


Burning Yellow With Black Smoke

by Sutera Tsuki (Fanschaotictrash)



Series: Tales of a Weathered City [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Action & Romance, After the Second season, After the anime, Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Anime, Anxiety Attacks, Asexual, Asexual Character, Asexual Izaya Orihara, Asexual Male Character, Asexuality, Bad Romance To Good Romance, Biker Gang, Bisexual, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Masaomi Kida, Bisexual Panic, Bisexuality, Blue Squares - Freeform, Chaotic Evil, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Depressed Orihara Izaya, Depression, Dollars (Durarara!!), Drama, Drama & Romance, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eye Sex, Falling In Love, Fear, Forbidden Love, Frowned Upon Love, Gang Violence, Gang War, God Complex, Grief/Mourning, Gun Violence, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Ikebukuro (Durarara!!), Implied/Referenced Sex, Info Broker, Long, M/M, Masaomi needs a hug, Mind Games, Modern, Multiple Sections, Mystery, Nervousness, Neutral Good, Occasional Action, PTSD, Pessimistic, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Romance, Romantic Angst, Romantic Tension, Secret Crush, Secrets, Sexual Humor, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Some Humor, Spoilers, Stress, Twisted love, Unspoken Love, Weight Issues, Yellow Scarves, after the fact, alternative universe, based on the anime, chaotic relationship, city, cursing, gang leader, injured leg, kizaya, messy love, messy romance, multiple parts, saika - Freeform, street gangs, underweight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:15:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 124,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28155183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanschaotictrash/pseuds/Sutera%20Tsuki
Summary: It's been a year since the incident and nineteen-year-old Masaomi is overcome with grief and fear. His girlfriend, Saki, died in the chaos at the hands of Izumii, the person who sent her to the hospital many years ago. Yet Masaomi hardly has any time to process his feelings as many gangs, such as the Yellow Scarves and Blue Squares, are out for blood, specifically his. With Aoba having an expansive network of information, there may only be one place safe for him. One thing leads to another and he finds himself rushing right back into the arms of Izaya Orihara, the info broker that ruined everything for him. As he remains trapped in his apartment while the chaos dies down, will the flea get back inside his head or will he be able to resist his manipulation? Only time will tell.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Vorona, Kida Masaomi/Orihara Izaya, Kishitani Shinra/Celty Sturluson, Ryuugamine Mikado/Sonohara Anri, Yagiri Namie/Tanaka Tom
Series: Tales of a Weathered City [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086710
Comments: 23
Kudos: 18





	1. From One Fire To Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masaomi has hidden for a year and a half, but that's about to change. Aoba, thirsty for vengeance, has his gang steal away the crippled Masaomi away when left unattended. Beaten and battered, he is unsure how to escape his terrible fate.

**⁃ PART ONE ⁃**

* * *

It's been a year since everything happened, it’s been a year since _she_ died. The war of Ikebukuro destroyed a lot of gangs or simply made them weaker. Nobody really talked about The Dollars anymore, in fear of what the name may cause. The Dollars still existed, but it was lowkey like it used to be. Anyone that was brave enough to be a member didn’t really want to talk about it and no other gangs wanted to associate with it. I think it hurt Mikado a little but it was for the best. Speaking of which, both he and Anri were released from the hospital without any long term damage. Meanwhile, I was relegated to a wheelchair, which was pretty scary considering all the threats I became aware of after getting out. The Yellow Scarves had been dragged into too much crap due to my personal problems and, seeing as a lot of the members retained serious injuries from the insanity last year, I was basically on their shit list. It wasn’t just them either, the Blue Squares had even more of a vendetta against the Yellow Scarves than ever, and their leader, Aoba, despised me. Despite how calm everything seemed on the outside, I somehow ended up with more enemies than I ever had before. At first, I tried to ignore it. I kept my head low, didn’t leave the house much, and cut off contact with a few individuals I worried might drag me into trouble, including _Izaya_. I was staying with Mikado at the time since I couldn’t take care of myself, but I didn’t tell him about any of this because I didn’t want to worry him. He had enough trauma to filter through. I thought it’d all eventually blow over but, I was wrong, I was _so wrong_.

It all started when I was **kidnapped**. Mikado left me alone at the store for a second, a minute at the most, and they found me.

“So, you’re Masaomi Kida, the leader of the Yellow Scarves?” A young man asked. He was wearing a button-up shirt and jeans, his hair a blonde mess on his head. Behind him were two other boys, one in a white jacket, the other in a purple one. They wore shark bandanas; Blue Squares. I swallowed, praying Mikado hurried back.

“I think you have the wrong guy,” I said, though I doubted they’d believe it. The man laughed.

“Oh, you’re not getting off that easily, you met us before, remember?” he said, tapping his head mockingly and my eyes widened. Of course, that night Mikado saved me. Shit!

“Look, I’m not the leader of the Yellow Scarves anymore, I want nothing to do with that crap. Your quarrel is with someone else.”

“As if that matters! Aoba asked for you and you specifically so…” I suddenly felt hands come up from behind, a white handkerchief pressed to my nose and mouth; Chloroform. I hadn’t even noticed one of them coming up behind me and, not able to put up much of a fight, I soon passed out. The last thing I saw was them rolling me away and laughing. 

“Mika-” Pitch black.

I reawakened in complete darkness, though I suspected I was in the trunk of a car considering the constant shaking. Tape was on my mouth and string wrapped around my wrists and ankles painfully. I tried to break my hands free but it was too tough and only embedded deeper into my wrists. I wasn’t sure what hurt worse, that or my highly agitated leg. Shit, shit, shit! What the hell am I supposed to do about this? Mikado, somebody, please… The shaking stopped and I froze. After a moment there was light, causing me to flinch back, two figures looking down at me.

“See? He’s not dead, you were worrying over nothing,” one of them said and the other scratched the back of his head.

“I just wanted to check, that huge bump in the road made me nervous. If he had died Aoba would kill us!” I tried to scream, tears filling my eyes, but the tape muffled the sound.

“Aw, is he crying?” one asked mockingly, then, “what a pussy.” They both laughed.

“Hurry up guys, we shouldn’t keep the boss waiting any longer!” a male voice called and they slammed the trunk closed, continuing on. 

It felt as if hours passed before the trunk opened again. I could hear arguing before the sunlight peered in. I let my eyes adjust and then looked around. I was at an abandoned warehouse, a bunch of Blue Squares surrounding the car, including Aoba himself. 

“If it isn’t Masaomi Kida. If I’m being honest, I had no idea you’d be so easy to catch but, I’m pretty ecstatic about it,” he said, the liar, I knew for a fact he purposefully wanted to kick me when I was down. He was probably the second biggest cause of Mikado’s downfall. “Let’s hear your excuse.” He violently ripped the tape from my mouth and I could finally breathe. I sputtered before speaking.

“You bastard! Are you insane? What the hell is all this for? What did I ever do to you?” I screeched and his face became serious.

“What do you ever do to me? You meddled in things you shouldn’t have and completely wrecked my plans. Mikado wasn’t yours to mess with! Oh well, once my boys and I have our fun maybe we’ll use you as a bargaining chip against the Yellow Scarves, I’ve heard their thirsty for vengeance too,” he said, his voice full of some sick, twisted sadism. My eyes widened and I swallowed. I could barely process his words.

“You wouldn’t,” I said, staring at the demented high schooler who only smiled widely at me.

“Oh, I think I would,” he said to me then, to his followers, “get him into the warehouse. I’m just going to check and make sure you three weren’t followed.” He breezily walked away as I was roughly picked up by my arms, legs dragged along the ground. I screamed in pain, more tears running down my cheeks, and I only made it worse as I continued to struggle. 

“Let me go!” My screams were only met with smirks and chuckles.

They took me into the warehouse and threw me onto the cold, metal floor. One of them pressed their foot down on my side roughly. 

“You better not move, you prick!” he yelled, the pressure only worsening. 

“Yeah that’s right, cry, you good for nothing sissy!” I was kicked, trying to curl up yet the bonds wouldn’t let me as I suffered blow after blow. Anri, Mikado, I’m sorry I had to go out this way. If only I had been stronger, smarter, but now I’m finally facing the consequences of everything. Mikado got his, maybe it was just my turn, as if losing Saki wasn’t enough. I closed my eyes. Sorry everyone. Yet, the moment I gave up I heard it. It sounded like a horse but unnatural, echoing in a sort of way, the sound only getting louder and louder. I opened my eyes to see Aoba running in, panicked, desperately trying to close the door.

“Help me!” he yelled and the others rushed over, closing the door as quickly as they could.

“I thought you said you weren’t followed!” Aoba said angrily and the other boys backed away.

“W-we weren’t boss, we swear!”

“Then why the hell is the headless rider and someone else headed this way!” he exclaimed and we all stared over at the door. It was silent for a good while, apart from their heavy breathing. Then, there was a large banging at the door that wouldn’t stop. It sounded almost as if someone was repeatedly punching it, but surely that would break their fist. I stared at the entrance in awe as it began to grumble and be pried open.

“You pieces of shit, kidnapping a damn cripple! You gangs never learn!” A familiar raspy voice shouted, the entrance finally giving way. A large figure with blonde hair in a bartender suit walked in, Celty close behind. 

“Shizuo Heiwajima? You’ve got to be kidding me!” Aoba exclaimed. Of course, no one else would have any luck opening the door like that. Shizuo menacingly walked towards the Blue Squares as Celty carefully cut my wrists and ankles free. 

“How did y-” I said but I was interrupted by her quickly holding her phone up to my face.

“Mikado told me you had gone missing. We have to hurry. Can you walk?” it read. I shook my head and, to my surprise, she picked me up, hurrying over to her bike outside. I was placed down behind her, strapped to her with a shadowy seatbelt, a black helmet forming around my head. 

“Shizuo!” she typed and, as if sensing it, the huge man stopped his fighting with the Blue Squares and hopped back onto the back behind me. Celty didn’t even hesitate, ripping on the engine.

“After them!” I heard a voice yell from behind us 

The Blue Squares followed behind us on most likely stolen motorcycles, tearing up the old pathway as they attempted to match our speed.

“Don’t they know when to quit?” Shizuo said, glaring them down and I stared at him. He noticed, looking over to me. “What?”

“Sorry, I just didn’t expect to see you here,” I admitted.

“Yeah well, I bumped into Celty when she was looking for you and wanted to help.” Shortly after saying this he kicked one of the motorcycles that had gotten dangerously close, the rider falling off and scraping nastily against the pavement. I couldn’t help but flinch as I watched. We turned swiftly into the main road and they followed close behind, both of us passing dangerously between cars as we tried to lose them. Some of them collided with nearby cars, but they were too persistent to just give up.

An all too familiar honking sound rang in our ears and I could see a blood vessel pop in Shizuo’s head. “Great, now what?” I looked back in horror to see the motorcycles had only increased dramatically in number.

“Dragon Zombies!” I exclaimed.

“What do they want?” Shizuo asked in exasperation. I bowed my head a little in shame.

“Celty this is all my fault, I’m so sorry! The gangs are mad at _me_ , they want _me_ , you’d be better off just ditching me and making a run for it!” She typed something then tossed me her phone.

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not abandoning you. We’ll be fine, we just have to get you out of sight. Let me shake these bikers off and then we can discuss this.”

“Right,” I said hesitantly.

But we couldn’t shake them off. No matter what alleyway or corner we turned into, they always followed. Is this how much they all really hated me? At some point it looked like the ranks even increased, some of the bikers wearing yellow scarves. This was a nightmare! I could feel Shizuo’s anger rise behind me as he gripped onto the bike.

“Celty,” he finally said, “pull over.” I handed her back her phone so she could reply.

“Are you crazy?” she asked.

“Trust me and pull over.” She seemed to think it over for a moment before doing as told. Shizuo immediately got off, grabbing the nearest stop sign and yanking it out of the ground. The bikers stopped in confusion and awe, not being able to react fast enough to avoid the metal pole flung at them. Several of them went flying and most traffic had stopped. Celty watched for a moment, before writing out a message.

“There’s not many places you can hide. Aoba knows where Mikado and I live. He’d probably be able to figure out where Anri lives as well,” she said and I nodded along. Where else was there to go? An idea seemed to come to her. “I know where you might be able to stay, though it’s no guarantee. You won’t like it and I’m sorry, but it’s our best shot. First, let’s get out of here.”

“Whe-” I began but the next message Celty gave me made my heart drop and I fell silent.

“Hold on.” 

She started her bike again and drove towards a building, our forms shining in the glass. She can’t be serious. Her bike collided with it and we began to ascend up the building. I didn’t dare look down, staring at Celty’s back until we stopped at the top. The cool breeze blew through my hair and I stared down at the chaos below. Just how high up were we? Celty occupied herself with rapidly texting someone before receiving a phone call. It looked as if she took a breath, her shoulders shrugging slightly, before clicking the answer button and holding it up to her helmet. 

“Hey! It’s been a while, Transporter, and to think our first encounter after so long would be such a strange request. Shinra said you’d pay and everything!” a lurid voice spoke from the other side. My whole body tensed as I began to understand. No, Celty, anyone but him, please. I grabbed onto her hand as if to stop her, but she simply held mine back as if telling me to hold on. Her grip tightened on her phone, but she couldn’t respond. “If you really got rid of those bikers I suppose I don’t mind indulging your strange plans. I haven’t seen Masaomi in a while and it’s getting quite lonely up here.” My hands formed into fist just listening to him. I swore I’d never talk to him again after the incident, yet here I am, falling right into his hand again. Why do things always have to be like this? “I’m not home right now, but I’ve informed Namie of our little visitor. She’ll meet you outside. We can discuss business details later. Oh, how exciting! Alright, bye-bye,” he said before hanging up.

“Celty…” I began but I couldn’t quite find the words.

“It’s only temporary,” she quickly assured me. “It’s just until we can think of another solution and deal with Aoba.” I bit my lip.

“But, it’s _him_ ,” I said darkly, staring down at my feet.

“I know. I’ll find other accommodations as soon as I can, I promise, but right now you’re wanted, beat up, and can’t walk. The condition of your leg has probably worsened even. We can’t afford to run with you all around the city. Trust me, please?” she seemed to beg me. I bit down harder on my lip, knowing I would regret this later, but not having much of a choice.

“Okay, I’ll trust you,” I said quietly and I imagine she would have smiled if she had a face.

“Good, now let's get you over there while we still have the chance.”

We sped down the building and made our way to Izaya’s apartment via alleyways and backstreets. Celty knew the city like the back of her hand and took the quickest but most hidden route. Thankfully, no bikers spotted us, not that any of them could escape Shizuo’s wrath. She slowed down and came to a stop at a familiar black building with plenty of windows. A woman stood outside in a green sweater, arms crossed and her eyes narrowed slightly as she saw us. Izaya lived in Shinjuku and, apart from his short disappearance from Ikebukuro, he always had. Staring up at that building made my stomach churn. I remembered the nervousness I had felt the first time I visited, standing at the entrance and staring up, just like now. I felt it again, but reimagined into something horrible that made me feel like I could puke. Celty stood and showed the woman a message, which caused her to scoff. 

“I can deal with it from here. Now hurry away, you’ll just attract more attention and make the situation worse,” she said, walking over to me and offering her shoulder.

“Here, let me help,” she said and we wrapped our arms around each other’s shoulders so I could limp along. She was oddly nice to me compared to Celty. I turned my head, wanting to say thank you to Celty, but she was already long gone. We made our way to the building, which wasn’t far, Celty had come as close as she could.

“I’m Namie, I work for Izaya. You must be Masaomi,” she observed and I nodded.

“Yeah, nice to meet you. Thanks for the help.” Namie, Mikado had told me about her. She worked for a company that did human experimentation, a company she was kicked out of, and was madly in love with her brother. She’d do anything for him really, no matter how horrible. Well, whatever, she couldn’t be as bad as Izaya at least. We made it into the building, she punched in the code at the front door, and we used the elevator. We stumbled into Izaya’s apartment once we reached the right floor. She helped me onto the couch and I was doing my best to process all of this. 

“I’ll get you some pain medicine for your leg,” she said, going off somewhere and I nervously watched her go. It was as if she had abandoned me on a raft in a shark-infested sea. She returned with pain relievers and a warm drink, setting them down on the coffee table.

“Here you go, you look quite beaten up. I hope it doesn’t hurt too badly,” she said, though it sounded insincere in a way. 

“Thanks, don’t worry, these will help a lot,” I took a pain reliever and held the warm mug for comfort. She smiled. 

“Here.” she wrapped a blanket around me, “you should probably get some rest, it might take Izaya a while to come back.” I was far too anxious to sleep despite my injuries.

“I will,” I lied.

“By the way, Masaomi, aren’t you classmates with Seiji?” she asked innocently. Her brother, right. I nodded. “Have you been in contact with him recently? He hasn’t called me in so long…”

“No, I think he’s traveling or something,” I informed her and her eyes widened for a moment before she regained her composure. 

“Oh, I see.” She was clearly disappointed.

“I know a couple of people that were friends with him though. Maybe at some point, I can ask them if they’ve heard anything?” I offered. I wasn’t really sure why I was trying to help her but, I guess I didn’t want her kindness to wear out. She beamed.

“Really? Oh that’d be great, thank you so much!” she said, patting my hand before heading towards another room. “Well, I’ll leave you to rest. If you need me I’ll be around.” Her smile faded as she disappeared behind the door. I didn’t have her number or a bell or anything, so I seriously doubted I could really contact her in any way.

  
So, left all alone, I sat on his couch, a cup of warm cocoa in my hands, pulling the blanket tightly around me as I tried to keep my cool. My heart wanted to beat out of my chest and, ever since I was rescued, I couldn’t stop shaking. I wondered if Namie thought I was cold rather than petrified. I never thought I'd come back here ever again. I felt so shell-shocked taking in the familiar sleek decor all around me. Nothing had changed since five years ago. When he came back, it would probably feel just like it used to. I waited, breathing in and out, in and out, counting the minutes as they passed by. After a while I almost wondered if I had imagined it all, this being Izaya’s house, him coming home, as if I was going crazy over an event that would never happen. I was paranoid, he won’t come home soon, he wouldn’t care enough, I’ll probably be safe for a few hours. Of course, just when I had relaxed, the front door flung open. As I peered over, praying for anyone else to be there, _anyone_ , my blood ran cold at the sight in front of me.


	2. Smoldering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning of the Flickering Flame arc. To Masaomi's horror, Izaya Orihara finally arrives home, immediately starting a conversation with the fearful young man. Masaomi is adjusting to the fact that he may be stuck there for a while, despite how much he loathes the idea. How long will it take for things to go downhill?

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," a familiar voice mused. Raven black hair, brown eyes...a tall man in a fur-trimmed coat, and black skinny jeans stood there.

He took off his jacket and put away his keys as if it was any normal afternoon. We hadn't had a conversation face to face in so long and I was honestly avoiding looking at him. I remained silent, deciding to watch the marshmallows melt in my drink. I felt a cocktail of fear, anxiety, and rage. "It's been a while. You stopped answering my calls ever since everything went down. Honestly, I thought you had moved on. I never expected Celty to show up with you at my doorstep. If only I had been here to see the sight myself,” Izaya said in disappointment.

"It has been a while. I didn't really expect you to still be in Ikebukuro either," I said, my voice quivering and I could practically feel his smirk on me. That bastard, if it weren’t for my leg, I’d make him pay for what he did to Mikado. No, I can’t let him get to me.

"Oh, so you can talk? I was beginning to think you were ignoring me." Well, I was but, he _did_ offer to protect me, so, I supposed I could be a little polite. Besides, he’d probably just enjoy it more if I acted too afraid to talk.

“Yeah…” Izaya sat down on the chair across from me, lounging back, offering me a mischievous grin. It wasn’t like I wanted it. 

“I’m surprised Namie treated you so nicely. When I got stabbed she didn’t even visit me in the hospital, but look at you, as snug as a bug in a rug,” he said, laughing a little.

“She just wanted to hear about her brother, that’s all,” I said, still avoiding making eye contact.

“She would manipulate someone for that. The woman is obsessed.” 

It fell silent. This part of the city was dead quiet, Celty knew no one would come here, probably. Izaya kept the place clean like it was nobody’s business, he hated people interfering, it was really the only place I’d truly be safe. I just wish the likes of him didn’t run it, yet… “Right about now, you’re probably wondering why I even accepted Celty’s strange proposition. Why would I ever care about what happens to you?” I finally looked up at him to see he had this smug look on his face, his eyes shimmering in a demented way. I was stuck here now, all I could do was stare and grip onto my mug. “Well, to tell you the truth, I expected this all from the start. The things that went down that night were too dramatic to forget. Naturally, a lot of gangs would be pissed off at people such as yourself and that little Aoba.” I raised my eyebrow.

“So? I don’t really see what this has to do with me being here now.” He sighed.

“You wouldn’t. You see, I knew you’d be on the run, Masaomi, leader of the Yellow Scarves, friends with Anri, a wielder of a demonic sword, and Mikado, a young man that went crazy with power,” he began to explain and my eyes widened. “Both are just furious at me...oh, do you understand now?”

“Yeah, I think I get it. Basically, you’re using me so those two won’t go after you. I understand Anri I guess, but why Mikado?” I asked genuinely curious. Even after I tried to tell him Izaya set him up, he wouldn’t believe me. 

“He’s known for having a screw loose and playing around with guns. No matter how innocent he may appear, I’d rather not risk it.” The only reason he ever messed with that shit was because of him. I gripped onto my cup even more, which I had hardly taken a sip from.

“You’re getting angry now, and you did so well at staying calm. I was shocked you didn’t immediately dive at me the moment I entered the room,” he said, bending down to look me in the eyes, smiling widely and I just sat there, taking deep breaths. The truth was, I was a coward still and the instinctual terror he caused, the panic I felt as he stared at me with those sharp eyes, was the only thing keeping me on the couch. He laughed, pulling away and patting me on the shoulder. “But you’re my beloved guest, so I suppose I should be a little more courteous. Are you peckish? Feeling faint? Do you need a vomit bucket? I’m afraid Shinra won’t be able to come and examine you until things calm down.” I was exhausted and my stomach did hurt quite a bit, but I’d rather not tell him that, not that he was actually worried.

“I’ll be fine, thanks,” I said, hoping he’d just lose interest and leave me be. Thankfully he did, passing me the remote. 

“Of course, just watch some TV and relax for a while. I need to finish work.” He spoke as if he wasn’t just tormenting me seconds ago. He walked towards his desk, which was a comfortable distance away from the couch and I allowed myself to slouch down a little more, placing my hand on my throbbing stomach. 

I decided to just set my mug down, giving up on drinking from it, turning on the TV only to fill the tense silence. Some cooking channel was on, I think. It felt like he was staring at me constantly, even though every time I dared to look back he was preoccupied on his computer. I started forcing myself to just stare at the TV, watching him only making me worse, laying down after a while because he couldn’t see me that way, but on my back, since my side was badly bruised. After a while of just lazily watching the cooking show, I fell asleep. 

The bullet train sped along, shaking slightly. I had a packed lunch on my lap, Saki had made it for me.

“Masaomi, always so messy,” she said with a giggle, wiping the food from my mouth. I laughed as well.

“Yeah, sorry, it’s just a bad habit I guess.” She sighed playfully, ruffling my hair.

“You’re so goofy,” she said.

“And you’re so weird,” I countered, smiling from ear to ear. She smiled back, picking up one of the chopsticks. “Aw what, do you think I can’t feed myself now?”

“Not properly at least,” she said, smiling even wider. “Now say ah!”

“Ahhhh!” I was fed a vegetable which I chewed eagerly. “It tastes so good! Your cooking is the best.” She blushed.

“You’re just saying that! I bet you’ve said that to plenty of other girls,” she said and I shook my head.

“No, how could I when you’re obviously the best cook in the world?” I asked and her face turned red.

“Aw, Masaomi! Stop it!” She giggled, fanning her face. I grinned, then suddenly noticed something in the window. A man hanging down by the window. Sunglasses, a blue scarf, a large hammer. He smirked and slung it at the window.

Saki!” I screamed, opening my eyes and sitting up, breathing heavily. I wasn’t on the train anymore, I was back in Izaya’s office, staring at the wall as the TV still hummed on. 

“Saki?” a male voice asked and I looked down to see a man crouching there. He wore glasses and a lab coat. A medical kit was sat on the coffee table, gauze stretch sat on the table. I checked my leg to see it had new bandages. The man must be Shinra, Celty and Izaya’s doctor friend. I heard he had gotten pretty beaten up too, but he healed up pretty well. Well, unlike me, I don’t think he was shot. I waited until my breathing calmed to speak.

“N-nothing, it was just a dream, sorry,” I said and he adjusted his glasses.

“Are you sure? You seemed rather panicked.” I nodded.

“Yeah, how did my leg look?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Well, the events Celty told me about definitely made it worse, but I was able to clean it up so it should begin the healing process soon,” he said and I smiled timidly. 

“That’s reassuring.”

“Is anything else wrong? A sore throat, aching stomach, info broker getting on your nerves?” He winked at me when he said the last part and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well, my stomach does hurt a little. It did get beaten up pretty badly though,” I admitted.

"Ouch, that sounds rough. Can I take a look?" I showed him my stomach, nervous. I wasn't sure why, he seemed really nice. There was a big purple bruise there. 

“Ah, that looks pretty nasty. This might hurt a little but, it’ll help in the long run, I promise,” he assured me before wrapping an elastic bandage around it. 

“T-thanks.”

“Of course!” he said, beaming at me and standing.

“Now, make sure to eat well, drink plenty of water, get enough rest, and you’ll be recovered in no time!” he said, putting his things away. I nodded.

“I will, thanks again,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it. By the way, I know today has been chaotic and Izaya is...Izaya...”

“I heard that!” Izaya called from up above, causing me to jump slightly. He was leaning on the railing on the second-floor balcony area, a binder in one of his hands. I hadn’t even noticed him up there. Shinra just smiled at him skittishly before looking back at me.

“...But have you eaten today? Izaya hasn’t been starving you, has he? Do I need to punch him in the gut?” he asked, showing off his nonexistent muscles. I couldn’t help but smile again.

“No, not really. I sort of passed out and...wait, what time is it?” I asked, looking to the window and my eyes widened. The sun was almost done setting. “How long was I asleep!”

“Just a few hours,” Izaya said with a shrug, going back to looking through his bookcases. 

“Izaya! You let him go for hours on an empty stomach! You jerk! Don’t make me come up there!” he said, waving his fists around playfully. 

“It wasn’t like he was going to up and die or anything, besides, he was sleeping so peacefully, like a kitten. Meow~!” he said, smirking widely.

Shinra put his medical case down, readjusting his glasses, his mouth in a straight line.

“S-Shinra?” I asked, now a little frightened. 

“I’m coming up,” he said menacingly, approaching the stairs. What did he even expect to do, he didn’t have a knife or anything. Izaya just smiled widely in amusement, watching him climb the stairs.

“Oh? What are you going to do to me old friend? Hug me to death?” he teased. I watched, completely bewildered. Should I say something, is he joking, was he just going to threaten him? Just then Namie’s head popped out of the kitchen, a ladle in her hands.

“If you’re done with your little lover’s quarrel, dinner is done,” she announced, causing Shinra to stop in his steps. She heard the whole thing but wasn’t going to do anything? She raised her eyebrow at them then went back into the kitchen. 

“Oh, I see. Well, okay then,” Shinra said, cheering up and hopping off the stairs. He walked over to me, patting my shoulder. I stared at him, feeling like I was missing something. He gave me a card. “That’s my number, just call me if you need anything or if your leg feels like it’s getting worse.” I nodded and he looked back at Izaya, who was walking down the stairs. “And you, you better take good care of him, Celty and I are depending on you!” he said, pointing at him.

“Well, that’s a mistake on your part, but fine. I promise you Masaomi won’t pass out from starvation or dehydration, I would force-feed him before such a thing happened, but I refuse to babysit him if that’s what you want,” he said, giving him a look. I shivered a little at that. Why do I feel like he’d starve me _just_ to have an excuse to torment me more?

“Great! If you do I’ll know about it!” he said, skipping over to the door. “I’ll leave and let you enjoy your dinner then. Bye!” he said, rushing out before anyone could so much as wave. Well, he was on my side at least...I think.

Izaya sighed, peering over at me and I quickly looked away.

“Look at you getting all the love and attention, not even saying anything when I was about to meet my demise,” he mused dramatically, leaning on the back of the sofa next to me. I could see his shadow on the ground.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were jealous,” Namie said, placing a bowl in front of me on the coffee table and another on the side. I offered her a small smile in thanks.

“Me? Don’t be absurd. I wouldn’t desire Shinra’s messed up kind of love even if it would save my life,” he said simply and Namie looked doubtful.

“If you say so. I’ll be going home then,” she said, going to the entrance and getting her bag.

“You’re not even going to stay for dinner?” Izaya pouted as she took off her slippers and started putting on her outdoor shoes.

“I have no reason to, I’ve finished work for today and it’s nearly dark. Besides, I can just eat at home. Goodnight,” she said before briskly leaving, lightly slamming the door behind her. I honestly couldn’t blame everyone for wanting to leave so soon, if only I could do the same. 

“Stingy as always,” he murmured, staring at the door for a moment and sighing before sitting down. It was just us now, it would be _just us_ all night. 

There was an awkward silence as Izaya seemed to be thinking to himself before picking up his food and looking at me. We were having chicken udon, it smelled pretty good.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Izaya observed, blowing on his noodles a little. “In fact, you’ve been acting very strange today, well, in the hours that you were awake. No jokes, insults, or death glares. You’ve been as quiet as a church mouse.” I simply looked at him silently then focused back on my noodles. “Such as that! What was that, I wonder. No biting back, no little flinch, just a simple stare. Aw, are you feeling sheepish or are you just trying to be polite?” He tilted his head, watching me as I ate a few noodles. I wasn’t sure how to respond without completely showing my cards. Every time I try to explain something, I always just come out with the truth, that’s probably why I always avoided talking about my feelings with Anri and Mikado. Besides, right now he doesn’t understand me and I have the advantage, just how to keep it…

“Look at you, trying to read me trying to read you. Are you trying to hide something?” he said, eyes shimmering. I forced myself not to have a reaction and kept eating. “I understand now. Before you couldn’t bear to ignore me because I was your saintly savior, and now you can’t bear to acknowledge me out of terror that a secret might slip out. Funny, isn’t it? The only time I actually get dinner company and they’re stunned absolutely silent,” he said, actually sounding a little annoyed, his usual grin falling slightly. What, did he want things to be like old times when I’d listen to his jabbering and say he was “so cool”? If he wanted to keep laughing together like best buds he should have picked up his damn phone and told Saki not to be there in the first place. My grip tightened a little on my chopsticks.

“Sorry, Izaya, I’m just tired,” I finally said, not really wanting to aggravate him past his limits. 

“Starting out so formal by addressing me, well, you were always like that. Perhaps some things never change,” he observed. 

“Yeah, I don’t really think I’ve changed that much,” I said. I straight up lied, to his face. I never really thought I’d have the courage to do that. He narrowed his eyes at me. “Well, I guess we never really notice the changes other people do, right?”

“Yes, that’s true,” he allowed, finally smiling a little.

“Has much changed for you? I heard you went to the hospital for getting stabbed in the side among other things,” I said and he laughed.

“I was! It wasn’t anything serious, obviously.” He waved his hand dismissively. “Unlike yours, my goodness, getting shot in the leg by your best friend. Are you going to treasure the scar forever and ever?” he said mockingly. 

“Yep, totally. After my leg heals, I’ll start wearing around jean shorts and showing it off to everyone,” I said dryly. He stared at me for a moment. I thought he wanted me to joke and stuff, guess not. After a moment he burst out laughing, causing me to flinch.

“That has to be the most depressing joke you’ve ever said to me.”

He finished his dinner and stood. I wasn’t sure how, I had only finished half of it and was already full. He stretched and yawned. “Maybe you really are tired. After all, you have never been here so late,” he decided, giving me a slightly suspicious look before smiling. “Well then, as riveting as this is, I’m going upstairs. You’ll...oh dear, am I going to have to carry you?”

“I can just sleep on the couch, it’s fine,” I assured him and he smirked.

“I have a guest room, I insist. Besides, Shinra would be furious if I just let you sleep on the couch,” he countered. 

“Maybe you should eat a bunch of apples and see if that makes him stay away,” I joked, desperately searching my mind for an excuse. “It’s a nice couch.” I gave it a pat as if to prove my point. 

“ _Now_ you’re entertaining. Well whatever, if you want to wake up with a sore back that’s your business,” he said, heading up the stairs. “Goodnight, try not to wake me up with your screaming.” He gave me one last look before going into one of the rooms upstairs and shutting the door. I could faintly see him lock the door, the doorknob jangling a little. It wasn’t like I could walk so I had no idea what he was worried about. I finally allowed myself to sigh, putting my food aside, and laying down. One half of me was worried about nightmares, the other half worried I’d wake up somewhere different. This all did feel like a fever dream. I closed my eyes. Staying awake and worrying wouldn’t help either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very minor changes made for plot.


	3. Fanning The Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masaomi's first full day at Izaya's begins, despite how long he tries to delay it. He doesn't want to start a fight, but he hardly knows how to talk with the info broker without causing a fuss and his patience is wearing thin. He's not sure how long he can hold out, but perhaps he may find an unexpected ally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My romantic partner came up with the awesome name for this chapter ~ ❤

“Hey, so, I’ve been thinking about the Dollars,” Mikado begins in that slow, lurid tone as we sat down at the cafe.

“Dollars? I thought you were getting off of that for a while. Celty and Anri can handle it,” I said, trying to convince him.

“Oh I know, but I just can’t help thinking about it. I think about it all the time really.”

“Mikado...look, I know it’s hard but, for a while just try not to get involved. Promise me?” I said, grabbing onto his hands and giving him a begging look. He looked over, smiling at me. The smile sent shivers down my spine.

“You worry too much, Masaomi. I’ll be fine. I won’t do what I did again. _Trust_ me.” It’s happening again, but I’m here this time. I need to say something, I have to stop this before it all goes to shit again! I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. My breath was caught, like someone was forcing it back down my throat violently. Why, why is it that, now that I’m here, I can’t say a thing? I can’t do anything, I can never do anything! It doesn’t matter if I’m here or there, the words never come out, they scare me and I fall silent. I just sit and watch. _It’s all my fault_. 

I woke up with a start, staring up at the white ceiling as my eyes adjusted to the light from the windows. I almost didn’t want to move, just let anyone nearby think I was still asleep so I could process things. I was definitely still on the couch, considering the amount of light and my back hurting. Was Izaya here right now? There was the sound of typing so, probably. Though it stopped and I heard someone walk this way. It sounded like they had gotten up from an office chair and I could hear their shoes on the floor. Crap! I quickly closed my eyes, trying to keep on a neutral face. Eventually, they stopped and the couch creaked a little.

“Masaomi? Hello? Are you playing possum? That’s adorable,” he said, laughing. “Hey Namie, look, it seems like Masaomi died in his sleep. How unfortunate!” I could hear another pair of footsteps, it sounded like they were wearing slippers though.

“He probably woke up, saw your face, and died from distress,” she said coolly, walking away.

“Oh, harsh,” he pouted. I hesitated then opened my eyes. Izaya was peering over me, resting on the back of the couch. I just stared at him, I wasn’t completely prepared to see him yet. “Finally back from the dead! Good morning Masaomi, you’ve slept long enough.”

“He’s been waiting for you to wake up for hours. You should have seen him, like a kid on Christmas morning, pacing around recklessly,” Namie called from her desk and I sat up slowly. Well, I do have a habit of oversleeping and I guess unconscious people are completely boring to him. Not that he showed interest in waking me up yesterday though, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had been out cold.

“I was not,” Izaya insisted, glaring over at her.

“How early is it?” I asked, rubbing at my eyes.

“Eight,” she replied. 

“Oh, and when did you get up, Izaya?” I asked.

“Six, as usual,” he said easily. It hasn’t even been that long.

“I suppose I didn’t sleep in for that long then.”

“Yes, Izaya is just an impatient toddler that can’t wait even an hour for anything,” she said. Geez, this woman really doesn’t give a shit, does she? I was surprised Izaya hadn’t fired her yet considering how he is.

“It isn’t my fault things are so boring and peaceful right now. Ever since the big shown down everyone has been too afraid to make a move. The suspense is killing me!” It’s like he wanted everyone to just be indestructible so, no matter how hard they were damaged, they could keep on blazing by. Consequences don’t exist in his world.

“Yeah, well, it hit them all pretty hard, so,” I said carefully, feeling a buzzing in my pocket.

“That thing has been buzzing off the hook all morning,” Izaya said, sitting down on the nearby chair. Crap, don’t tell me he looked through my phone. I turned the screen on to see I had several messages from Mikado.

**Masaomi are you okay?**

**Oh God, please tell me you’re okay. Celty told me you’re safe now, but I have this bad feeling.**

**I’m so sorry for leaving you all alone like that, it was such a bad idea!**

**I hope your leg hasn’t gotten worse.**

**Oh this is all my fault!**

**Masaomi, please!**

I smiled a little. The poor guy feels guilty for everything, it’s not like I had told him so he would know to keep an eye out.

**Hey! Yeah, I’m fine, don’t sweat it.**

**Oh thank goodness! What about your leg?**

**Shinra said it would be fine. It’ll heal in no time!**

**I’m so glad! Where are you now?**

I paused. Should I tell him? It might worry him more, then again, if I didn’t Izaya probably would in some underhanded way. 

“Hey Izaya,” I said suddenly and he looked over to me. “Is it alright if I tell Mikado where I am?”

“I won’t be able to hang it over his head if you don’t. Go ahead,” he said, waving his hand a little. I bit my lip.

**I’m at Izaya’s.**

**Wow! Really? I thought you hated that guy or something!**

**Yeah, but it’s the only safe place for me right now, so.**

**I feel so guilty. I mean, Aoba Is kind of my fault so...**

**Don’t be ridiculous, that’s not your fault!**

**I’ll be fine. Let Celty deal with it okay? Promise.**

**I promise. I just wish I could help. I’ve caused you so much harm.**

**Nah. Staying safe will help me more than anything.**

**Just keep those bright smiles on your and Anri’s faces**

**and my soul will be saved!**

**Overdramatic as always, but alright.**

**Just let me know if you need anything, okay?**

**I will. Can you tell Anri I’m okay? I don’t want her worrying.**

**Yeah, don’t worry she’s here with me right now.**

**She wishes you a good recovery and everything.**

**Aw, thanks guys, for real.**

I laid my phone on my stomach, smiling in relief. That would keep him out of trouble, for now.

“Is he worried about you?” Izaya asked, surprising me a little. I had gotten so caught up in texting I forgot he was there.

“Yeah, well, he always is,” I said simply.

“It’s shocking his head doesn’t swell up and roll off his neck at this point,” he joked and I let myself laugh a little.

"Anri and I would have to chase it down the hill if that happened. It’d be such a pain.” I said that as if that wasn’t pretty much what happened. He chuckled then tilted his head. Why are we getting along so well? When I heard I’d have to stay over at his place this wasn’t what I was expecting. 

"You removed the charm from your cell phone," he noted suddenly and my eyes widened. I had a matching one with Saki. Ever since the incident, I couldn't bear to see it all the time.

"I just got tired of it. It was annoying, having it resting on my wrist all the time."

“Oh, is that so?” he asked, clearly not believing me. 

“Who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind and get a new one.” I couldn’t bear to, none could replace the one I had with Saki.

“I don’t understand the emotional appeal of them at all. I only ever use them to easily differentiate between phones,” he said, lounging back more in the chair. Was that a diss at me?

“It’s like...an ownership thing,” I tried to explain, nudging him away from the topic of Saki.

“An ownership thing?”

“Yeah. By decorating it, it feels more like their own,” I said.

“Isn’t it already theirs the moment they buy it?” he pointed out.

“Well, it is, but it doesn’t feel like theirs. It’s just plain like every other phone. People like having things that reflect their personality.”

“Ah yes, humans get so bored of the basic necessities. They constantly try to change them even if the originals worked just fine. Look at all the food recipes, fashion styles, and trends such as phone charms and putting stickers on laptops. They’re there just for sheer enjoyment. Well, it’s not like I’m complaining,” he rambled. The thing I always hated about Izaya is he wasn’t wrong, most of the time. 

“It’s nice at least,” I said simply.

“Oh please, if things were different and you had to eat the same food over and over again or wear the same clothes as everyone else you’d be throwing a hissy fit,” Namie chimed in, sounding annoyed.

“Yes well, as I said, I’m grateful for these innovations. That’s what makes human beings so amazing. Always creating, evolving, and they all benefit from it...most of the time,” he said, smirking at this concept. I looked at him, chewing on my lip. “What, is there something you want to say?”

“I-I’m just a little curious I suppose. If you believe...all of that, what do you believe the greatest or most useful human invention is then?” I asked, tilting my head a little. I’d rather talk about anything other than phone charms. 

“What a strange question, I never thought you ever cared about things such as this. Let’s see, cars would be the obvious answer but that’s ignoring the bigger picture. Of course, things such as refrigerators have done the world a great service, among other things. It’s just too hard to choose really,” he decided. 

“Well, that’s fair,” I said with a shrug.

“What would you have picked then, Masaomi?”

“Oh...maybe phones?” I picked what was on my mind.

“Why?” he mused, leaning forward in interest. Crap.

“I guess I just find it cool that people can communicate so easily nowadays. I mean, having to walk everywhere isn’t such a big deal and people survived without fridges for some time so...I guess, more of, if I had to have only one, I’d want to keep my phone.” He cracked up laughing.

“Spoken like a true phone addict. I suppose I can’t blame you considering everything that’s gone down, sometimes your phone is your only source of information. If I were you, I’d probably be glued to my phone as well,” he teased.

“You say that as if you aren’t. You spend all day on online forums or chat rooms and take phone call after phone call. If you’re not talking to someone for five seconds you lose it,” Namie mused and he scowled at her.

“That’s not true! I’m not always talking to people, I simply like observing,” he argued. 

“Call it whatever you want, the point is you wouldn’t live a day without your phone. You’d be rolling around and crying on the floor,” she said and he stared at her. I don’t think he knew how to rebut that.

“That’s right, don’t you have multiple phones?” I pointed out.

“That’s for work, it’s hardly the same. You don’t have a job, Masaomi, do you?”

“Well...no,” I admitted, pretty much allowing myself to be defeated.

“See? It’s different,” he concluded and Namie sighed.

He suddenly sprung up. “I’m bored. Masaomi, are you hungry?” My stomach grumbled angrily before I could reply.

“U-uh, yeah, a little,” I said.

“Great! I’m getting takeout then. I’ll be back in an hour or so!” he announced. He hummed to himself as he grabbed his keys and put his coat on.

“Alright. Thanks,” I said simply, trying to be polite. He gave me a look then left.

“He didn’t even ask what you wanted,” she said, now up from her desk and organizing binders on the shelves.

“Yeah, well, I doubt he cares,” I responded, suddenly remembering. I picked up my phone from my chest.

**Hey, Mikado, do you remember Seiji?**

**Oh, the guy dating Mika? The one obsessed with Celty’s head?**

**Yeah, that’s the one. Did you ever hear what happened to him?**

**Didn’t he move into the same area as the head?**

**Oh, I think Anri still texts with Mika sometimes. Why do you ask?**

**Just curious. Does Anri know where they are?**

**Hold on, just let me ask.**

**Chicago apparently. Wow, so far away!**

**Haha yeah it really is! Thanks!**

**I wonder, do you think we’ll ever travel that far?**

**It could be kind of fun.**

**Maybe, let’s not get ahead of ourselves though.**

**Graduate from high school first, ‘kay kid?**

**You’re so mean sometimes lol. I’m only a year younger!**

**And I will reap the benefits for as long as I can.**

**Hehe!**

At least he had acquired less dangerous hobbies. I had done my fair share of traveling, it wouldn’t really be the same without Saki. I looked over to Namie, pausing. “Hey, do you have a minute?” I asked. “It’s about your brother.” She immediately stopped what she was doing and looked over.

“Seiji?” She asked, putting her hand on her heart in distress. She looked like a totally different person whenever he was brought up. A hardcore librarian turned soft. I nodded.

“My friends say he’s in Chicago. That’s where they moved Celty’s head, so,” I said. It wasn’t the most helpful information, but I had promised her I’d look into it. 

“I bet that mangy girl put him up to it,” she whispered, gripping onto the binder in her hands before looking at me. To my relief, she beamed at me. “Oh, thank you so much! What a relief. Is there anything I can do for you...what was your name again?” she asked. I grimaced. Her lack of care showed like a sore thumb.

“Masaomi and that’s fine. You’ve already done so much for me. Can I ask something though?”

“Of course,” she said cordially. 

“Okay so, I don’t mean to be blunt, but, why didn’t you just ask Izaya? I mean, he is the info broker and, since you work for him, I don’t know, maybe he’d cut you a good rate at least,” I asked as carefully as I could and she got this sour expression on her face.

“There are a few things Izaya stays completely closed-mouthed about; his friends, his family, and my brother. No matter how hard I try to get him to crack, all he has is insulting remarks. He probably worries I’ll leave, he wouldn’t be wrong.” So he’s possessive, even of his employee? I didn’t think he cared about anyone that much.

“Yeah, that makes sense, he’s not very good at giving straight answers."

“By the way, do you have any siblings Masaomi? I’m not sure if you know this but Izaya has two younger sisters. He despises them, I have no idea why,” she asked slightly curiously. We’re talking about the guy that almost screwed up my whole life and I’m just sitting here realizing how little I know about him.

“Nope, it’s just little old me!”

“Oh, that sounds a little lonely, though you have your friends I suppose,” she said. 

“It doesn’t bother me really, it just means I get all the attention from my parents and get spoiled a lot,” I said, giving her a playful grin. 

“Lucky you,” she joked back.

We fell silent as we heard the door to the apartment fidgeting open. 

“That was quick,” she said, not even glancing over as the door opened. 

“I’m home~!” Izaya said in a sing-songy voice, a white takeout bag slung around one of his arms. 

“Welcome back,” Namie said dryly and I waved slightly. 

“Oh how terribly unenthusiastic you two are! I was hoping for a dramatic greeting, but fine,” he said in fake distress. 

“What did you get?” I asked curiously, tilting my head back and looking at him upside down. He pulled out a white box and walked over to me. I didn’t think about it much at first, then he suddenly stopped in front of me and placed it on my nose. I had to balance it like a seal at a circus until I could grab it.

“Bravo!” he clapped and I forced down my annoyance. He probably would just let me starve if it fell. Good thing it didn’t. This fishy smell though, it must be sushi. “I’m guessing you don’t want to work for your food, Namie? I’ll just put it on your desk.”

“Yes, thank you for the common decency,” she said, wondering over in that direction. 

“You’re welcome as always,” he said, sitting down at his desk with his own box. Well, at least I’d be able to eat in peace.

I opened the box carefully. I imagined he’d probably give me his least favorite kind or something else petty. Wait, could he have spit in it? No, hold on, back up, more importantly, could he have _poisoned_ it? I examined the suspected sushi carefully. Okay, a spicy tuna roll, that’s fine. He was probably hoping to burn my mouth off but I like spicy things. Okay, it will be hard without water but I'll survive. Now just how to figure out how to detect poison with just my eyes… “It’s not poisoned if that’s what you’re being so picky about,” Izaya said and a shiver went down my spine. “I could never kill a human so directly, that’d just be boring.” So no poison, but what about drugs? 

“N-no I was just...admiring the quality?" I said, looking over and he laughed.

“Yes of course. Go ahead and eat it then, if it looks so wonderful. Don’t let us stop you,” he said, stretching and watching in amusement. So, either he has drugged this and he knows something will happen or he expects me to freak out from the spiciness. If I suddenly passed out, Namie wouldn’t let him do anything, right? No, I probably shouldn’t just depend on her. I mean, on the outside it looks okay. I carefully picked one up and took the plunge.

At first, it was fine, it tasted normal actually, then the spiciness kicked up to ten, then a hundred, and despite how hard I tried to hide my reaction, it was impossible. Tears fell down my face and I coughed, feeling like I could hardly breathe. So he had spiked them, with chili peppers. Izaya burst out cackling. “I couldn’t have hoped for a better reaction! I was worried you might have smelled the spices earlier, but apparently not!” he exclaimed, practically crying as well from laughter. At this point I was watching him, using all my willpower not to glare at him. I had fallen over on the couch, clutching my ignited stomach, the wound on it yelling in protest. Namie seemed to notice she forgot something and headed off to what I assumed now was the kitchen. Yeah, she’s pragmatic, I shouldn’t have ever expected her to care. That’s fine. “What? No witty remark? No jokes? Oh, that’s right, your lunges are on fire!” I thought he wanted me to talk more, not less! I guess I wasn’t enthusiastic enough for him, not enough yelling and crying. There wasn’t much I could do now but lay there. It felt like I was going to be sick. It’d be completely his fault if I threw up on the carpet. 

Namie walked back in, two glasses of water in her hand.

“I wanted a drink and thought I’d get you one as well, here,” she said, placing it down on the table. I blinked, ecstatic yet shocked she helped. I quickly grabbed it, taking a big gulp and she smiled at me for a moment before going back over to her desk. 

“Namie, why must you always ruin my fun?” he said, watching her like a big cat watches a rabbit, but she didn’t really mind.

“I was simply being polite to our injured house guest. It’s not my fault that you desire to torment everyone that walks through those doors, including yourself,” she said as she brushed her hair behind her shoulder. 

“I don’t torment you that much do I, Namie?” he asked, acting like he was a sweet little angel, his head down as he looked up at her innocently.

“No, though you certainly try to.” He sighed.

“You both are such party poopers,” he concluded. With that, the room fell silent besides the occasional wheeze from me and typing from Izaya. Maybe happy endings really do still exist.


	4. Swallowing Embers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Christmas Eve, Masaomi discovers that, not only will he have to put up with an injured leg and stomach, but a cold as well. Things come to a head as he debates which should worry him more, his sickness or his confusing host.

It was the next day and I still had a cough. I didn’t get much sleep because of it. Jokes on him because he had to listen to it all night. He came out of his room in the middle of the night, leaning on the railing and watching, as if to make sure I wasn’t dying. It was like those spices ate away at my throat or something and I wondered how long the damage would last. I woke up that morning hearing the sound of bells and snickering. I rubbed my eyes, confused, sitting up after a while. The bells jingled every time my head moved and I looked around to see Izaya and Namie by a white Christmas tree. Namie was holding up a black ornament, looking like she was about to put it on the tree though she was probably distracted by me waking up and Izaya had his hand on his mouth, trying to hold back a burst of laughter. I wasn’t sure what confused me more, the tree or the way they were staring at me.

“W-what?” I asked, feeling something on my nose. I looked down to see a toy glowing nose was placed there. So the bells must be… I was startled by the flash of a phone camera, nearly falling off the couch. “Hey!” Izaya finally let himself laugh, phone in his hands.

“I just couldn’t help myself, you look ridiculous! Consider this my revenge for keeping me up last night,” he said and I tried not to show my irritation. My cough was entirely  _ his  _ fault.

“He has one of you sleeping too,” Namie informed me, finally putting the ornament on the tree. It took a concentrated effort to stop my mouth from gaping. Izaya pulled it up on his phone and showed it to me. I looked fast asleep, one of my hands lightly touching my lip, eyes closed peacefully and dressed like a reindeer. 

“Look at how adorable you look!” he said. Why did he feel the need to take that picture and why did he want to keep it? I couldn’t freak out, he’d hang that picture over my head for centuries if I did. I exhaled lightly through my nostrils, the action hurting my chest a bit, looking away. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him frown at this reaction. 

I looked out the window. The picture looked like it was taken in the morning and it was starting to get dark.

“You’re putting your tree up on Christmas Eve?” I asked Izaya, who was helping Namie finish decorating it. 

“Yes well, I was busy and it took forever to convince Namie to help,” he said and she sighed.

“You would have managed just fine on your own, besides, I’m only doing this because you paid me to,” she said, narrowing her eyes at him. If I didn’t know what I did, I might have felt sorry for him.

“It’s no fun by yourself, everyone knows that! Honestly Namie, where’s your Christmas spirit?” She scoffed. 

“Please, Christmas is a holiday for children and couples, I have no use for it,” she said.

“Are you jealous of them?” Izaya asked, peeking at her from the other side of the tree. 

“Don’t be absurd.”

“With you two bickering like this I’m surprised I didn’t wake up,” I said.

“It wasn’t like he was trying to be quiet, he practically shouted the whole time we brought the boxes downstairs, you just wouldn’t wake up,” she said. I could be a pretty heavy sleeper when I was exhausted, so that didn’t surprise me.

“No matter what I did you remained completely unconscious, it was so annoying!” he said as he took a step away from the Christmas tree. “Done.” I examined it. The tree had white lights and black ornaments and tinsel. I wasn’t surprised that a tree decorated by Izaya would be completely devoid of color. 

“It looks nice, very…aesthetic?” I said, about to say “colorful” but that wasn’t true at all. I took off my reindeer antlers and red nose, putting them on the coffee table, and laid back down, coughing a little. Izaya frowned.

“Are you going back to sleep?” he asked and I shook my head.

“No, I just need to lay down for a bit.” He examined me for a moment then shrugged it off and went back to work.

I laid there for quite a bit only coughing more frequently as time went on.

“Maybe you should call that doctor again,” Namie told me after a while from her desk. She was sat there scrolling through her laptop. Izaya was at his desk as well, looking through papers.

“I have a feeling he won’t,” Izaya interjected confidently and we both gave him a puzzled look.

“Oh, and what makes you so confident? I think it’d be logical to call him or at least to ice down his throat before he loses his voice,” she said. He looked at me.

“Masaomi, Shinra scares you, doesn’t he?” he asked, tilting his head slowly in an unnerving way. He intimidated me a little, but I didn’t think “scared” was the right word really.

“No, not exactly. I mean, he’s super energetic and hard to keep up with, but otherwise, he seems nice,” I replied in a hoarse voice and he raised an eyebrow at me. I swore he shot me a dirty look for a second but I couldn’t be sure.

“Then explain why you were acting so strangely around him, I’m curious.”

“Strangely?” I asked. I hoped I didn’t act ungrateful.

“When he asked to look at your stomach you started acting all skittish and shy, all like,” he paused, putting on a sad face and puppy dog eyes, “don’t h-hurt me please Mr.” That had made me anxious and I wasn’t entirely sure why. A feeling just suddenly came over me, but I couldn’t tell him about that. The thing was, Izaya was great at figuring things out, he could tell you how you were feeling when you were confused and bring up something you never realized bothered you. It made it tempting to ask him for help and advice, but you should  _ never  _ be vulnerable with him.

“It was pretty sensitive, that’s all. I thought it’d hurt more than it did,” I lied and he walked over, crouching down near me. “Um…”

“Poke,” he said, jabbing at it and I let out a yelp in pain, grabbing onto my stomach. That one touch sent pain throughout my whole stomach, sharp, stabbing pain and I fell into a coughing fit. It only made it worse. I didn’t mean to lose it, but I hadn’t felt well since being kidnapped and I was kind of fragile in that regard.

“Asshole! What the hell did you do that for! That rea-” I yelled, then stopped, forced speechless. He looked at me, his eyes lighting up, a venomous, wide smile appearing on his lips. His eyes almost looked red, filled with absolute delight. My lip quivered and the words just faded away. He’d led me into a false sense of security. He wasn’t just going to use me as a hostage, as long as I was weak he’d use me as a human punching bag. What do I do? I could hardly defend myself right now. What do I do!

“S-s-s…” He stood.

“I suppose you weren’t lying. Yes yes, I know. I’ll call Shinra,” he said, walking off and pulling out his phone.

I put my hand on my chest, finally able to breathe when he was gone. He had never looked at me like that, he never looked so unhinged? I mean, I knew he was sadistic and insane but he always acted so calm, unaffected. I sat on the couch, waiting, staring ahead of me. I was lucky Izaya decided to keep a distance. Eventually, the doorbell rang and he pranced over to the door, happier than ever really.

“Come on in!” he said as I heard the door open and someone stepped in. 

“Boy, it sure is cold out there. I worried I might become an icicle before I got here!” The familiar man in a lab coat walked in from the entryway, Izaya close behind. 

“That would be quite the sight,” Izaya said with a smirk. Shinra gave him a pouty look then beamed at me when he saw me. I wished I could maintain the same cheery attitude. “Masaomi! Izaya tells me you’re not feeling very well!” he said, frowning in concern and sitting next to me. I simply nodded, looking around. Izaya sat down at his desk, watching, but, to be honest, I kind of felt like Shinra was protecting me. “What’s the problem? Does your leg feel worse?”

“N-no, my leg feels fine. I have a cough though and my head kind of hurts,” I finally explained, avoiding talking about my stomach just to be safe, and his eyebrows furrowed at my raspy voice.

“That certainly doesn’t sound good, let me check your chest,” he said, getting out a stethoscope. He put it in his ears and put the drum under my shirt and on my chest. My face felt kind of hot, I hoped I didn’t have a fever. “Okay, take a deep breath in and out.” I did as told a few times before he nodded and took his stethoscope off. 

“That explains it. You have a chest cold. Have you been eating well? Staying warm? Wow, your face! Maybe we should take your temperature too,” he said, quickly searching through his bag and pulling out a thermometer. He put it under my arm and we waited. I found myself staring at him. He wore a concentrated expression, but it looked more cute than serious considering his chubby cheeks and demeanor. He noticed me staring and looked up, smiling in reassurance, but I quickly looked away. It caused my stomach to have butterflies, what the Hell is wrong with me? After a while, he looked at the thermometer. “Huh, well, this says you don’t have a fever though your face is still super red. Did I embarrass you? I’m sorry. Did Izaya say something weird?” he asked kindly and I messed with the strings of my hoodie nervously.

“U-um,” I said, and, seeing my anxiousness, he stood. 

“That’s it. We’re going to need some patient and doctor confidentiality, I’m banishing you both to the kitchen!” Shinra pointed dramatically in that direction.

“Banishing me in my own house? How cold,” he said, placing his hand on his heart as he stood and followed behind Namie, who was already heading that way without complaint.

“It’s only for a little while. No eavesdropping, okay?” Shinra said, winking at Izaya playfully. 

“Never!” he joked back before they disappeared into the kitchen. 

Shinra watched the kitchen doorway for a moment as if to double-check Izaya wasn’t listening, then looked back at me.

“Izaya probably isn’t listening, so lay it on me. What did he do?” he asked and I blinked.

“How did you know?”

“Just intuition,” he said with a shrug. I bit my lip. Should I tell him? I mean, I might just be overreacting. How do I tell a friend of Izaya’s I’m scared of Izaya just for being...Izaya? 

“I-it wasn’t anything big, just a prank with um, chili peppers,” I said. Since I wasn’t the best at lying I’d just tell another truth instead.

“Chili peppers, when you’re sick? That’s so mean! No wonder your face was red, you must have been so embarrassed, that jerk!” he said, clenching his fist and I nodded.

“Yeah, and physically I don’t feel very good so, it kind of just made it worse.”

“I see, I see. I’ll talk to him then, try to convince him to tone it down a little until you get better, okay?” he said.

“Okay...thanks,” I said, shifting a little and he looked at me curiously before heading to the kitchen.

“Oh, is your little private gossip session over?” I heard Izaya’s voice say.

“Yes, and I have a few things to say to you young man!” Shinra countered. Namie walked out, massaging her temples. 

“Young man? I’m older than you. Hey, don’t pinch my cheek!” She sat down across from me and we both exchanged glances as we listened.

“Masaomi is really sick right now and you need to learn to play nice! No more pranks until he gets better!” Shinra scolded.

“It was only one and I didn’t know he...okay okay!” Izaya said in annoyance. 

“Good. Now has he been drinking enough water? Do you feed him three times a day?”

“Yes, yes, I’m not  _ that  _ mean,” he replied as if Shinra was being ridiculous. Did I just imagine it before or was he just a really good actor? 

“Where has he been sleeping?”

“The couch.”

“Izaya! That’s no place for a recovering patient!”

“He wouldn’t let me carry him upstairs, it isn’t my fault!” Izaya whined.

“He has blankets I hope at least.”

“He never asked for any, I just assumed he was fine,” Izaya replied nonchalantly and I could hear someone stomp their foot.

“No wonder he has a cold! That room must be freezing with all those windows! I can’t believe you...nevermind, I’m fixing this situation right now,” he said, walking out and heading over to me. Izaya walked out as well, quickly sitting in his chair and turning it away from everyone.

I was completely caught off guard as Shinra picked me up.

“W-wow, wait!” I said, staring down at the ground.

“Relax, I’m stronger than I look, I promise. I won’t drop you. I’m just going to take you up to the guest room so you can rest properly,” he told me gently.

“Okay…” Namie looked over to Izaya to see if he had any objections but he was content in sulking.

“Finally some peace and quiet,” she joked. He began carefully carrying me up the stairs.

“Um, goodnight I guess,” I said, waving a little.

“Goodnight,” she said, picking up her tablet and focusing on it. I watched Izaya as we went. Was telling Shinra really worth it or did I just majorly piss Izaya off? Why do I always have to screw these things up? As we entered the guest room, the one across from Izaya’s, he finally looked up. He didn’t smile or anything, he just watched us disappear into the room.

The room was small but not overly so with a bed, desk, and window, the window covered with heavy blinds. Shinra put me down carefully on the bed, tucking me in as I laid down like an overdotting parent. He turned the lights off.

“Don’t stay up on your phone or anything now, you need plenty of rest,” he said and I smiled.

“I won’t...thanks for everything.”

“Of course, anything for a friend of Celty’s! Rest well and good night,” he said before closing the door and the room became almost pitch black. With the darkness and my head finally on a soft pillow, I found myself drifting off…

Suddenly the room was brighter, bluish in color, and I sat up as I heard a noise. I couldn’t tell if I had even fallen asleep or if it just woke me up, but something about this felt off. There were footsteps and, eventually, my door creaked open ever so slowly, red eyes peering in. I shook in horror, looking around desperately for a weapon but nothing was there. The door finally opened fully and the dark, lean figure walked in. 

“Oh, you’re awake? How unfortunate,” Izaya cooed and my eyes widened. 

“I-Izaya...what are you doing in here?” I asked, taking in his form only to see a knife by his side. “What the Hell!”

“Did you really think I’d just take you in and let you relax here? That’d be so boring for me and I’m itching for something to do. What happened earlier today gave me an idea.”

“What do you mean?” I asked carefully, backing away as far as I could as he approached the bed, knife out. 

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t kill you, just hurt you...a little,” he said as he pushed me down, straddling me. “Now, what should I do first? Oh, I know!” He brushed the bottom of my hoodie and shirt aside, exposing my stomach. I tried to fight him but he was too strong, holding me down. “Just relax, it won’t hurt that badly,” he said, that smile returning to his lips as his eyes shined. He readied his knife, about to strike down. The knife came closer and closer.

“Stop, stop!” I shouted desperately and then…

I screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I ended it on the worst cliffhanger in the world. I'm evil, I'm sorry. Well haha, regardless have a good Christmas Eve!


	5. Burnt Christmas Coal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masaomi seeks to cure his confusion and frustration but only ends up making it worse, Izaya trouncing all his efforts. The info broker is keen on remaining a secret and has no faith that Masaomi will figure him out, but, perhaps things have changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to my lovely partner for giving me some ideas for this chapter.

My eyes opened quickly to look into the darkness. Had I died? Where was I? I could hear my panicked breathing but my body felt numb. I heard a door slam open panickedly and there was a flash of yellow as my eyes reacted to the sudden switch of a light. I sat up and blinked, struggling to take in the figure that looked around my room. When I could finally see, Izaya stood there, a smile painted on his face.

“What an intense showcase of emotions! You know, despite everything that’s happened I never once heard you scream! Such character development, now tell me, what warrants this scream? Was it a scream of terror or joy out of realizing it’s finally Christmas day!” he rambled and as I looked at him I could only see the dream over and over. That smile was ingrained in my head, those red eyes still digging into my soul. I couldn’t speak, my body was trembling too much and my brain was fogged. My chest hurt like Hell and I was wheezing for air. He took enjoyment from my fear, what if that went too far? What if my dream was right?

Seeing my look of fear, he turned around to see if something was behind him, then back at me. “Oh, so you’re giving  _ me  _ that look? Why?” He stared at me expectantly and I couldn't hold it back any longer, pent-up frustrated tears filling my eyes and pouring down my face. I was tired, sick and it felt as if I might never get better with him hovering over me. He stared at me, seemingly not expecting that, seeming to be reasking his question. I remained silent, swallowing and his face contorted into irritation. “Why are you so contradictory? You’re suddenly so quiet despite everything I do and when you finally lash out, instead of being angry like you usually are, you’re too scared to speak! When did you become so  _ timid  _ and  _ fragile _ ?” he wondered, stomping his foot a little and I flinched back. I blinked.

“Wait, you’re upset that I’m scared of you?” I asked, baffled.

“No! I don’t care about the petty little opinions of you humans. I’m upset that you’re making no sense!”

“I-I’m not trying to be confusing!” I finally spoke up, the tears shaking down with my yell. The exertion on my voice box made me cough.

“Then will you please enlighten me on why you’ve been acting so strangely as of late?” How could I begin to explain how everything was affecting me right now, and how none of that really mattered because recently my thoughts had been circled around him? Ever since I began crashing with him everything has become about him. When I think about a secret I wonder how to hide it from him, almost every word I said was measured with his reaction in mind, and now I felt like I had to play a messed up game of cat and mouse with him just to survive. His words hadn't reassured me, all he had told me was that he preferred for me to be angry rather than cowering, not that he worried about my health.

I bit my lip. I couldn't tell him.

"I-I don't know," I said and he narrowed his eyes at me. " _ You're _ confusing too..."

“How am  _ I _ confusing?” he said as if insulted. “I love humans and therefore put them in many different scenarios, the concept is simple.” Oh god if I angered him too much...

“Yeah well…” I said, trying to think of how to explain it, my emotions raging. “...it  _ feels  _ different.” He looked at me like I said something insane. Are emotions that foreign to him? Maybe he’d understand physical discomfort better. “I-I’m sick and in pain all the time, that’s probably why. It’ll pass.” At least if I was feeling better I could fake it. He raised his eyebrows, examining my face for a moment.

“If that was true then why didn’t you ask for painkillers?” he wondered. My eyes widened, so did his and he smiled. “Alright. I’m tired now, I’m going to go back to bed. I’m sure that nightmare isn’t bothering you anymore,” he interrupted as he walked back to the door. “Goodnight, Masaomi.” He turned off the light and was gone without a word. 

I stayed awake a long while after he was gone, just staring at the wall and calming myself down. My mind was such a mess, nothing that had happened made any sense to me and I just wanted to erase it. In the end, I went to sleep just hoping things would be normal, well, relatively normal tomorrow. The whole thing would pass over like a dream. When I awoke again, it was because of the buzzing of my phone. The room was brighter now, the heavy curtains not even able to fully contain the holiday sun. I rubbed my baggy eyes and opened my phone, squinting at the light. 

“A video?” I murmured as I opened my text from Mikado. From the thumbnail, I could see Mikado and Anri standing up front with Erika, Walker, Saburo, and Dotachin, the van in the background. I curiously tapped play.

“Did it work?” Mikado began, pausing to examine his phone, “oh yeah, it is. Okay.” He smiled sweetly. “Hey Masaomi, I hope this doesn’t wake you up too early, but we all just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas!” He nodded to Walker, who swung his hands around like a conductor. 

“One, two, three,” he said and they all took a deep breath.

“We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!” they all sang together, bright smiles on their faces. Damn, they were such bad singers, but still, it made me happy. Why couldn’t I be there with them? Erika, Walker, Saburo, Dotachin, they all seemed cool and they had helped me out of binds before, but I had never really gotten close to them, despite all of Anri’s trying. I was too busy remembering everything that had happened. Mikado looked relieved when they finished.

“We’ve been practicing that for a while, so I hope it turned out good!” he said and Anri gave him a reassuring look.

“We know things have been really hard for you lately, but we know you can pull through!” she said confidently.

“Recover soon so we can give you all the presents we bought, kay?” Erika chimed in.

“We’ve got tons of new manga for you to try out! There’s one with swords and tragedy and another one with this really cute girl-” Walker began, but Saburo playfully ruffled his hair and shushed him.

“Quiet down, he gets it!” They all laughed.

“Obviously we can’t force you into anything, but, once you recover, just know you’re always welcome to join us,” Dotachin said and they all nodded in agreement.

“Well, this video has gotten pretty long so, bye!” Mikado said.

“Call us anytime! “ Anri added. They all waved, shouting their goodbyes and the video stopped. I sat there in silence. If I hadn’t wasted my tears earlier, I probably would have cried again. You see, looking at them like that, it felt like home, a home completely out of my reach. I left a little text thanking them and wishing them a merry Christmas as well.

The door opened and I quickly looked up. Izaya stood there, leaning on the doorway, an oddly small smile on his face. One might even say it was gentle.

“Good morning, how are you feeling?” he asked. It was his kind act, I had seen it many times before, but why the Hell was he using it now? I didn't think Izaya had much holiday spirit.

"I'm...okay, just a little tired," I lied quietly, my throat scratchy. "I'm sorry about last night, I was really out of it, so”.

"Of course, don’t even worry about it. Can I carry you downstairs now?" he said, almost impatiently. I slowly nodded. I had never been in his arms before, he barely touched me besides shoulder pats and such. As he carefully stepped down the stairs, I expected him to drop me for an experiment. He'd call it, "how do males react when suddenly dropped on the stairs," or something placed beside his experiment with hallways and rooftops. Shockingly he didn’t, just placing me down carefully on the couch, wrapping a blanket around me. All of this was happening too fast for me to fully process it. 

“T-thanks,” I said and he beamed at me. What’s his angle? 

“Are you hungry? I made some stew.” 

“You can cook?” I asked in confusion, then, “where is Namie?”

“A few things, mostly soups, and stews. Namie’s off for the holidays, but I’m not a horrible cook, don’t worry,” he assured me in that creepy tone of his. Well, if I didn’t say yes now I might not have anything to eat for hours. Maybe if I just went along with it I’d figure out what he was hiding.

“Okay...sure.” With that, he trotted off to the kitchen humming happily to himself.

I looked around as I waited as if expecting to find something, like a clue or a small thing out of place. The only thing different I spotted were presents under the tree, but they must have been fake. Who would get Izaya presents? He walked back in with two bowls of stew in hand, placing one in front of me and sitting down on the other side of the couch. It was a stew with meat and vegetables and certainly didn’t look bad, despite my previous doubts. I picked it up, the warmth comforting me slightly, and stirred it about a little to see if anything about it seemed unusual. The broth looked just like his, well, from what I could see of it, and so did the meat and vegetables. Then again that sushi looked normal too. Izaya watched in amusement as I messed around with it for a while, mixing it, smelling it, stabbing at the vegetables and meat, before finally taking a bite. I swallowed anxiously but nothing happened. 

“See? It’s perfectly safe. We both know what happened last time and I'd prefer not to endure another Shinra lecture,” he said teasingly and my cheeks flushed a little in embarrassment.

"Yeah, thanks for the food," I said politely.

"Of course." He kept acting like his kindness should be expected.

I ate my food slowly and he watched me for a moment, looking pleased.

"Hey, Izaya, where'd those presents come from? I don't remember them being there before," I asked.

"They're from Shinra and Celty. Like the good Santa he is, he left them after putting you to bed," he explained, sipping some of the broth.

"Oh." Celty didn't exactly surprise me, but I hadn't thought Shinra would get me anything. Despite being a friend of Celty's I had only just met him this year. He finished his stew before speaking again.

"We can open them once you've finished, though I'm guessing most of them are for you. Celty still holds a vendetta against me for hiding her head. What a shame," he said dramatically.

"If you're lucky. I wouldn't be surprised if she got you a bag full of coal," I joked and his eyes lit up slightly. 

"How brutal of you both! I'm certainly on Ikebukero's naughty list, but really who isn't?" he pointed out and I finished my stew, placing the bowel down.

"Yeah, that's true I guess. I'm done, thanks, that was nice." He smiled.

"Are you feeling any better now that you've eaten?" he asked strangely.

"A b-bit," I said in alarm.

"Good."

He got up, stretching a little. "I suppose it's present time then? Time to dig into those bunches of coal!" he exclaimed, sorting out the gifts in piles for both of us. As he expected, he only got one. He sighed. "So predictable! Here I was hoping Celty would let a fit of rage overcome her, but no. Oh well." He really had a thing for anger. "You go ahead, open your presents first. It's not like I'll get anything exciting," He said with a shrug. I had two bags while his gift was a wrapped box.

"If you're sure," I picked up the smaller one first.

"You save the biggest one for last? I see, good choice, the biggest ones are usually the most exciting," he said as if taking notes. Saki was the one that told me to do that. She had said, "don't be so impatient!" or something like that. I checked the tag.

"This one is from Shinra." I dug into the bag until I felt something super soft and fluffy. I brought it out only to discover an adorable dog stuffed animal. It looked like a pomeranian and was perfectly cuddly. I hugged it happily to my chest and Izaya made a face.

“It’s just like Shinra to give you something cute and useless. I hope he hasn’t done the same for me, I wouldn’t know what to do with the thing,” he whined. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it either. Saki used to have a stuffed animal like this, though much smaller, she’d keep it in her purse and take it wherever she went, like a good luck charm. Oh Saki… “Do you not like it?” he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. I shook my head.

“No, I like it, I’m just not sure what to do with it either.”

“See? It’s a pointless gift, perhaps your other gift may be more useful,” he said, peering at the big bag. I looked at the tag.

“This is Celty’s,” I announced, beginning to pull things out and stack them on the couch. “Oh wow, there’s a lot here.” There were a few sets of clothes, some I recognized as my own, some with tags on them, mostly hoodies, and a phone charm in small packaging, which was laid in one of the folded hoodies. There was a note as well on the bottom, which I read to myself, though that didn’t stop Izaya from walking over and glancing at it from behind my shoulder;

“Merry Christmas! I’m sorry I couldn’t get things resolved by the holidays, I hope you’re holding up! I know the tag says it’s from me but, Anri, Mikado, and the others helped as well. The new clothes are from me and I selected the old clothes with their help. I’m not really a fashion person. They also gave you the phone charm. We all have matching ones! Not just Anri and Mikado, but Erika, Walker, Saburo, and Dotachin too! It’s so exciting, isn’t it? I’ve never had a matching phone charm with anyone before! Anyways, hopefully it will help you feel closer to us. Just call me if you ever need any new clothes or anything! Celty.” Celty was so sweet, everyone was really. Shinra, Anri, Mikado, the gang...what had I done to deserve to be surrounded by people like them? I spent a whole year moping and refused to talk to anyone unless heavily prompted to. My relationship with Celty only began because Anri insisted on it.

"She's a really good listener I promise!" Anri had said as she positioned my wheelchair next to a park bench where she sat. I hadn’t ever seen her that up close before, so it had been a bit of a shock at the time, even with her helmet on. “Celty helped me so much and I hope she can help you too so please, just play along for a while...even if it’s just for me.” I had fallen silent for days and Mikado and Anri were worried sick. Celty quickly typed out a message.

_ Hi! I know we’ve seen each other before but, it’s nice to finally meet you properly. Anri and Mikado have told me so much about you!  _ At the time I thought she hated me. She saw all the shit I had done with the Yellow Scarves and even had to save Anri from me, so I just assumed she saw me as the trouble maker. 

“Really? I thought you saw me as the bad one,” I had muttered. Celty quickly shook her head and Anri laughed.

“Don’t be silly Masaomi, I’m pretty sure that spot is reserved for Mikado,” she joked.

_ Anri, that’s so mean!  _ Celty had typed, but in the end they both laughed. After a while of conversation and becoming comfortable with her, I began to tell her my side of the story, the side she had never heard before. I started out with the simpler things before going into what had depressed me so much. We met for a month or so, starting off again wherever I left off or adding in details, though I got to learn about her too. She told me about her head and everything she had to go through for it, only to get rid of it in the end. We became fairly close and I found her very easy to talk to, but for a year and a half, she was the only new friend I made. Yet still, here they are, waiting patiently with smiles on their faces. I clutched the phone charm in my hand. With this on my phone I’d always feel like a part of the group, even if I couldn’t be with them yet, and the fact they even wanted to include me in this meant a lot. Maybe it was possible to take home with you.

I took it out and immediately put it on my phone. It was a white bird drinking from a yellow mug. I wondered what everyone else's looked like. I smiled at it for a moment before looking at Izaya who studied me carefully.

“It’s a good thing she brought over clothes, you really should take a bath soon. You haven’t been doing much besides sitting around and sleeping, so it’s not like you smell, but I’d rather not push it,” he said, going to sit back down. Wouldn’t I need his help because of my leg? I’d rather avoid that as much as possible, even if it would be nice to freshen up.

“Probably, it’s your turn to open presents now though.” He gave me a look, clearly noticing I had changed the subject but didn’t stop me, picking up the box and putting it on his lap. I had never seen someone so reluctant to open a gift. He tore the wrapping paper elegantly and put it off to the side, the bow attached to the paper, as if he’d ever use it again. What remained was a cardboard box, which he opened with some struggle.

“Let’s see, clear nail polish, pants and...what is this?” he asked, holding up a pair of fuzzy socks and I forced back a laugh. 

“They’re socks for extra warmth,” I joked and he scowled at me.

“What does Shinra think I’ll do with  _ these _ ? I wouldn’t be caught dead in fuzzy socks. They don’t fit my aesthetic at all,” he said, complaining about fashion as if he didn’t diss the concept a couple of days ago.

“They’re so comfortable though! It’s like...wearing clouds on your feet.” He chuckled.

“I’ll save myself from the experience, but feel free to steal them when I’m not looking,” he said, standing and looking at the mess of wrapping paper and tissue paper on the floor. “Well this is all garbage, it’s not as if I’ll be needing it for anything. I am so not a gift person.” He began picking it up and shoving it in the trash bin. As I watched I realized this was my second Christmas without Saki. Had it really been that long? It was like time was moving on without me and I wasn’t ready for it.

“Did you give Shinra anything?” I asked to distract myself.

“Of course. I gave him a gift card.” He finished cleaning up and looked at the state of his trash in disappointment. It’s probably never been so colorful before.

“To where?” I asked and he turned, smirking at me.

“I have no clue, honestly, but he seemed to like it, so whatever.” Yet he still complained about Shinra not being thoughtful. 

“Well, saving money is always good I guess, no matter what it’s for,” I decided and he nodded.

“Yes exactly! It is a very pragmatic gift, unlike...fuzzy socks.” He scowled at the thought. “I suppose, in the end, I can’t blame humans for wanting random luxuries such as this, though I have no interest in them.”

I smiled a little, then frowned, putting my hand on my head.

“Wow...my head suddenly feels all fuzzy,” I murmured.

“Maybe you’re just tired. Does anything else feel strange?”

“Well I...wait, I can hardly feel the pain from my injuries anymore!” I said, eyes widening.

“Wonderful! What a Christmas miracle! I am so happy for you!” I narrowed my eyes at him. Even if my injuries had healed some, it wouldn’t be this sudden. I took a few deep breaths, doing my best not to panic. Is this how someone feels before they pass out?

“Izaya, answer me honestly, did you put something in my stew?” I asked in a strained voice. He was surprised for a moment but smiled.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he lied and I could tell he was purposefully trying to rile me up, yet I couldn’t help myself. It was just like old times. 

“Come on, just tell me! What the Hell is going to happen to me?” I said, almost tearfully. He rolled his eyes.

“Would you just relax? They’re only painkillers, they won’t hurt you.” Then why didn’t you just clarify earlier?

“Why didn’t you just give them to me? I would have taken them!”

“You say that now, but if I had asked you if you wanted any earlier, you would have just made an excuse, admit it. You’d say you were fine or that you’d survive without them because that’s just the type of person you are. You can’t accept kindness from anyone, can you?” he said, trying to shift the focus.

“Don’t turn this on me, man! You could have convinced me to take them or something.” I pulled my knees up to my chest since I now wasn’t worried about agitating it. “Don’t put mystery stuff in my food…”

He stared at me for a moment, a slightly demented look on his face, not the satisfied kind of demented, but the baffled and shocked kind, as if he had seen or heard something awful. He quickly brushed it aside and smiled. 

“You truly are skittish or, perhaps skittish isn’t the right word. Sensitive might suffice.” 

"Most people don't like finding random pills in their food," I muttered. 

"Yes, you're right. Even if they have a positive effect they just can't get over the fact the person didn't tell them. They act as if it was their choice in the first place to need the medicine, then decide they won't take it because it makes them appear strong or capable. It's all completely silly really," he said with a laugh.

"I don't get it though, why did you give me the pills anyway? Just to psyche me out?"

"Oh Masaomi I wish you'd stop trying to read me, you're so bad at it. You don't understand me at all and you probably never will."

"I  _ want  _ to understand, why do you hate that so much?" I asked, clenching my fist a little. I had always wanted to understand, to stop feeling like a can he constantly kicked down the road, but it felt like he just changed every day. It was impossible to get a grip on him really, it made me feel like I was losing my mind, but still, like an idiot, I couldn’t help but try every time. 

"It's not that I hate the concept, I just simply believe it's beyond your capabilities and that's fine."

“Beyond my capabilities in what way? I just want to know. I may not be the smartest but still, I do my best,” I said, eyebrows furrowing in frustration. What was I trying to prove? That I wasn’t an idiot that could be suckered by him, that I was brave enough to be on equal footing with him? In all honesty, I never understood why I kept going back to him, even after I knew he was awful.

“I know you do, you try and you try giving yourself a headache each time, and every time you fail. If you can’t figure it out yourself I’m not going to help you. That’s just how it is,” he said, walking off towards his desk, effectively ending the conversation. Yet he knew everything about me just like that. He met me before I could put my defenses up, before I could know anything, he used my desire for guidance against me. He used it again and again and again. 

But last night he flipped out because I wasn’t acting like myself because he couldn’t read me. This time I’m not spilling my guts out anymore, my fit of depression and Saki are a complete secret to him and they always will be. I’m a little more clever now, all that fighting has mellowed me out, and I think I’ve finally wrapped my head around how the city works, how he rules it. So, just maybe…

  
...the deception he’s built as these years is easier to crumble now, and  I bet he knows it .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated Christmas! I did something different for Celty's dialogue based on how the visual novels do it so, let me know which one you like better!


	6. Boiling Frigid Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masaomi worries his time is running out and Izaya will soon uncover his trauma. With Namie still gone, he is left completely defenseless against the info broker's schemes and prodding. With his mind completely scrambled and his heart vulnerable, Izaya has the perfect opportunity to strike.

I woke up groggily, shading my eyes from the sun that peered in from the curtains. My head was wrapped in my hoodie and Cocoa (that’s what I decided to call the plush dog) was under my arm. I _hated_ sleeping here. It always reminded me of that nightmare and Izaya was just across the way. I sat up slowly, rubbing my throat a little and looking around. A bottle of painkillers with a little bow on the lid had been left on my bedside table, along with a glass of water. I took one, hand shaking slightly. Nothing horrible happened, I just needed to calm down. I let out a breath, listening to the sounds outside. I could hear footsteps and humming. It was Izaya’s voice. After a moment the door clicked open and I took in his dark figure as he peered over to the bed. 

“You’re awake, how long have you just been silently sitting there?” he wondered, seeming to find this thought amusing.

“I just woke up, so,” I said.

“Ah, then I’ve arrived just in time! Today is a special day, do you know why that is?”

“No, is it your birthday?” I asked, holding back a yawn.

“My birthday is in May, today you’re going to finally be taking a bath!” he announced and I paled. “Why do you look so horrified? Would you prefer to just continue to sit in your own filth?” 

“N-no,” I said, not bothering to explain, looking away, cheeks flushing a little. 

“Then I fail to see why you’re acting so dramatic. Do you have aquaphobia?” 

“I’m not scared of water,” I muttered and he sighed.

“Well, I have the bathroom warmed up and a new set of clothes all laid out for you, so there’s no avoiding it now. I suppose I’ll have to help, considering your leg. Can I pick you up?” he said, though he was already moving a little to do so.

“Okay,” I practically whispered and he gave me a look before doing so.

He headed down the hall and I kept silent.

“Why are you acting so flustered all of the sudden?” he asked, looking down at my slightly red face for a moment.

“I’m not flustered! I just prefer dealing with these things by myself.”

“Oh, so you’re shy? Knowing you, I suppose that makes sense, though, I’m not very judgemental so you have nothing to worry about,” he assured me and my face turned even redder.

“No, I mean yes, it’s just u-um...I can handle this by myself! I mean, my leg isn’t that bad, I’ll manage!” I quickly said.

“You can hardly walk and someone has to carry you _everywhere_. It’s really no big deal. It’s not as if I’ll be creeping over you the whole time, I’ll just be on standby to help you get in and out,” he insisted.

“Yeah but…” I said, struggling to explain the idea. At first, I thought it was Izaya but, if it were any other male, I’d still feel uncomfortable. He stared at me for a moment, then suddenly smiled.

“I understand now, it all makes sense!” he said and I blinked.

“What do you mean?”

“You being so bashful around Shinra and now you freaking out about me seeing you naked. You’re not afraid of Shinra nor are you self conscious, no, you’re bisexual. Yes, it makes so much sense now! How did I never see this before?” he exclaimed and I choked on my own spit. 

“I-I’m what?” I asked, completely startled and he laughed.

“You didn’t know? Oops.”

“I’m not _that_ , I’m just private, that’s all,” I insisted. I mean, it can’t be true, right?

“ _That?_ It isn’t a disease, but this reaction makes perfect sense. You haven’t realized it in all this time because you’ve been ashamed of it. You tried to ignore it or pass it off as something else, but simply shutting your eyes and pretending it’s not their won’t make it disappear. No, instead it festers and you find yourself in situations such as this where it’s impossible to ignore,” he said, stopping at the door. “Well, with this new information I’ll leave you to deal with this by yourself. I may find it interesting to see humans in all sorts of situations but we’re not dating and I’m no pervert. Instead, I’ll stay outside the door, just in case.” He opened the door, letting the hot air out, the warmth caressing my skin, then set me down near the entrance. He pushed me a little with his hands, scooting me closer to the tub. “Good luck,” he said teasingly before he closed the door and left me alone. 

I let out a sigh of relief, looking anxiously at the door for a while. Having him standing right outside the door was a little jarring, but he wouldn’t come in unless I sounded like I needed help, right? I looked around. My clothes were put on a small table and a bucket full of hygiene products sat next to the tub. I psyched myself up, repeating in my mind that he would not come in here, then started to undress. I took all my clothes off before working on the bandages on my leg and stomach. I examined them both, trying not to poke and prod at them too much. They looked a lot better though my leg still felt wrong. I half crawled and half dragged myself to the tub. It was already filled up with warm water, I just had to manage to get in. I pushed myself up, sitting on the rim then turning around, nearly falling, to awkwardly slide in. At first, it felt hot, but eventually, I adjusted, sinking into the comforting water and letting myself soak for a while. I couldn’t be bisexual, could I? I mean, I’ve only ever shown interest in girls, then, suddenly, all these new feelings popped up. I mean, I’ve admired the appearance of some guys before but, in a guy to guy sort of way. I can’t be bisexual, Izaya is just trying to get into my head, there has to be some other reason. I mean, I told Saki I was straight, if I hadn’t told her the truth or I suddenly started dating a man...that’d feel unfair to her. 

I tried to forget it, washing my hair then my body, rushing at first, paranoid he’d walk in if I took too long. His words just kept running through my head. The longer I spend trying to figure him out the more he figures out about me. Soon he’d know what I’d been hiding. I wish I would just figure it out already! Yet, my brain was too fogged over to come to any conclusions. Everything he did was so contradictory, his motivations so jumbled I just couldn’t predict any of his plans. Was I in danger, was I safe? Did he want to physically hurt me or would it be better for him if I recovered? I couldn’t tell any more. If only Shinra stayed over until this all blew over. I could ask and he probably would, since he knows how Izaya is, but I didn’t want to ruin his or Celty’s holiday. They had already done so much for me. After my fear died down and I washed a little more thoroughly, I stumbled out. I dried myself carefully, then examined the clothes Izaya got for me. There was a burgundy hoodie, a white undershirt, and black skinny jeans. I put them on with some struggle, getting trapped in my hoodie for a short while before sorting it out. Now, just how to get out. I could call for Izaya, but I imagined he’d enjoy hopeless me stuck on the bathroom floor shouting for him a little too much. Dammit! I hesitated, then reached up to the sink, grabbing onto the ledge and pulling myself up. I leaned on it for support as I limped over to the door. I opened it, grasping onto the handle for dear life, and nearly stumbled out and onto the floor. Izaya caught me at the last second, grabbing onto my arm, my face floating only a few inches from the floor.

“Look at you, taking your first steps! And here I thought you couldn’t walk at all. You also managed the bath on your own. What an overachiever, I’m so proud,” he said sarcastically and I glared up at him a little.

“It was more like...a hop,” I muttered and he leaned down to hear me.

“Ah yes, and you almost fell on your face, so maybe it wasn’t such an achievement after all. It’s a good thing I was here to catch you. What a lucky boy you are,” he mused, pulling me up, grabbing my legs, and carrying me bridal style. 

He made his way down the hallway then down the stairs, doing his best to keep his shirt dry with my hair still damp. “Masaomi, can I ask you something?” he said, abruptly breaking the silence, as we were halfway down the stairs.

“S-sure, what is it?” I agreed after a moment. He smirked in an almost self-satisfied way.

“How come you never call Saki?” My blood ran cold. Wait, are you telling me he didn’t know she was dead? “It’s been so long and the holidays have passed, but not once have you called her. Are you running away from her again or did you break up with her? Neither would be surprising,” he said but I remained silent. “Oh, did I hit a sensitive spot?” I was screwed. What could I say to convince him it didn’t bother me as much as it clearly did, to not give away the truth?

“Yeah, something like that,” I decided to say, hoping to be vague. He narrowed his eyes at me before giving it up and putting me down on the couch.

“Fine, keep your secrets, for now,” he said, looking down at me and wandering over to his desk. 

Izaya didn’t say much after that, he hardly even looked at me at all. I watched him curiously from the couch, leaning over and resting my head on the top of the cushion. I felt a lot better, honestly, now that I had finally freshened up and was taking painkillers. I thought that would excite him, but he seemed preoccupied in his own thoughts. I mean, I wasn’t angry or emotional like he wanted but, it was something, wasn’t it? Instead, he was typing rapidly, his eyes dancing eerily with ideas. Namie still wasn’t here, I had a feeling she’d be off until the next year. I hoped she hadn’t suddenly left in search of her brother, she was the only friend, well, ally might be the better word, that I had here.

“What are you doing?” I asked after the silence made me uncomfortable enough. It had never been this quiet, Izaya was usually always chatting or laughing about something, or the TV was on, or Namie was fighting with him or talking to me. Besides, that look on his face worried me. He smirked in amusement. By suddenly chatting with him, he might let something slip without realizing it.

“Suddenly so curious. I’m following a lead.”

“A lead?” I asked, blinking.

“Yes, a lead, now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to run an errand, I’ll be gone for a few hours,” he said suddenly, standing. Did I piss him off?

“O-okay, bye.” He was out the door before he could even respond. He didn’t come back for the rest of the day and I was left all by myself. I looked through my phone, hovering over Mikado’s number. Should I call him or Anri? So much had happened and I needed help processing it all. I wanted to talk to someone, someone normal, before I lost my mind, but I didn’t want to worry them either. I thought it over for a while but, in the end, I was too afraid to call them. I kept remembering how happy they were in the video and how I didn’t want to ruin that. Maybe I’d text at some point, let them know I was okay, but I wouldn’t tell them about everything else. I hope they’re together, laughing and having fun. That sort of thing doesn’t last forever...

Izaya only returned when the sun set, making a few chipper comments.

“I’m back, and so late too, were you completely lost without me?” he said egotistically. 

“I mostly just slept.” 

“How boring, though considering you’re sick this was probably for the best. Speaking of which, should I take you upstairs now?” He moved to pick me up like usual, but I stopped him.

“Er, wait, for tonight at least, can I just sleep down here? I don’t sleep well upstairs,” I said and he shrugged, giving in oddly easily.

“Alright.” He got my blankets from upstairs along with Cocoa and I set up on the couch. I had laid down, hidden under blankets, and was looking up at him when he went off to bed.

“Thanks, night,” I said and he waved behind him as he walked up the stairs.

“Goodnight Masaomi. _Sweet dreams_.” That lurid little jingle was the last thing I heard before my eyes closed shut and I drifted off.

A scene faded into view and I tried to grasp my bearings. I was on some street and there was a van, Saburo’s van and in front of it stood…no, it can't be. There he was, sledgehammer slung over his back, blue scarf blowing in the wind, his mouth turned up in a large, sharp smirk. His followers stood behind him, readying themselves for a fight. I was here, it was that night all over again, I could save her! Izumii forced the door open, grabbing Saki and dragging her out of the car. I could hear screaming and shouts from inside the van. Anri and Erika desperately tried to grab her feet, but couldn’t manage, He quickly threw her to the ground and she tumbled, coughing in agony. 

"You're as pretty as you were back then, maybe even more so," he said lustfully.

"Don't you dare touch her!" Anri shouted, leaping out of the van, eyes red in rage, Saika in hand. He only laughed, hitting her knees, causing her to fly sideways and scrape down onto the concrete. If it wasn't for Saika protecting her, her injuries would be much worse.

"Anri!" Erika shouted, rushing to her aid despite the boys trying to stop her. The few of the gang approached them and Anri did her best to keep them at bay. Dotachin got out, trying to take Izumii down from behind, but soon he was flung off.

"You bastard!" The other two, Walker and Saburo also rushed out but were taken over by the other fighters. 

"It's pop quiz time! What do you guys think I'm going to do to Masaomi's little girlfriend? A, beat the living shit out of her or B, kill her right now to get back at that little bitch Masaomi?" he asked, clearly enjoying all of this. Anri tried to stand but her knees were too weak. "If you answered B you were correct! Thanks for playing!" He pulled up his hammer and was about to strike down. It felt like time slowed and Saki looked over to me, reaching out her hand.

"Masaomi, save me…" she whispered, large, terrified tears running down her face.

"Saki!" I yelled, running towards her without even a second thought, jumping over her to protect her. The hammer hit the middle of my back and I heard a loud, unnatural crack before hitting the ground.

I landed next to her, my body slamming onto the road as I grunted in pain. She smiled at me, stroking my cheek.

"You idiot! When I asked you to save me I didn't mean like this!" she said, though I could tell she was happy. I laughed a little.

"Yeah well, it was worth it for you.” I pulled her into my arms. Now everything was okay, we’d both spend time in the hospital, we’d get through this. But I hadn't been there that night, I was in some other part of the city, this whole thing a complete mystery to me, and Saki died via a fatal blow to the head. The girl in my arms turned into a bloodied corpse and the cries and horrified screams of my friends filled my ears. 

“No! Anri screeched, shoving me out of the dream. I woke up sobbing, sitting up quickly, pulling my knees to my chest. "Saki, Saki I'm sorry!" As I was looking at my hands, the hands that held her only a few minutes ago, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I turned when I saw a familiar figure standing there. He seemed to search me with inquisitive eyes. _He had seen everything_.

After a moment, they lit up in understanding and he _smiled_. "So that's the story then. I knew it all had to circle back to her." I was too upset to think of a clever rebuttal or lie, unable to stop the flow of tears and my shaking.

"H-how did you know?" was the only thing I knew to ask.

"That something had happened with you and Saki? It's quite simple really. For one, despite everything that happened she never called you and you never called her. It was as if you had no contact at all, though I wasn’t completely certain until I checked your texts. Yet, I’m getting ahead of myself. The dream you had when Shinra was what really started it all. A bad dream about Saki, surely something happened. Then you received all those texts and, since you were fast asleep, I checked to see who it was. It was Mikado, not Saki. I found it so odd. After that I looked through your texts with Saki and realized they ended last year, a little before the incident. It was clear something had happened and I’ve been very keen to figure out what. Considering your reaction to my question this morning and the dream just now, I have come to the conclusion-”

“Stop, just stop!” I shouted then, barely above a whisper, “I don’t want to hear it.” He laughed in disbelief.

“You’re the one that asked, but fine, you are grieving after all.” 

I turned away, pulling my hood up.

“I’m sure you find this all hilarious or some shit,” I murmured. Why did I say that when I already knew the truth? 

“Yes. I mean, think about the irony! Once upon a time, you wanted her gone so you could keep avoiding your shame forever and ever and ever, and, now that she finally is, you harbor such despair. Yet, you being all depressed isn’t very entertaining,” he decided. I hid my face in my knees, knowing I’d get no comfort from him. I just wanted him to leave but I couldn’t help but lash out.

“I never wanted Saki dead! I never wanted her to stay in a coma either...I thought about it, but that isn’t what I truly wanted,” I yelled as much as I could.

“What _did_ you want, then?”

“I wanted her to wake up so I could tell her I love her and apologize. I wanted to stay with her forever, I wanted us to marry and have kids. I wanted us to grow old together, but now…” I said, trailing off.

“But now she’s **_dead_ ** . The world is unforgiving, it doesn’t care about what you or anyone else wants, it just keeps giving and taking without discrimination. All humans are equal before **God**. You have to learn to adapt and work with what you’re given,” he said, as if it was that easy.

“I know! That’s why I shouldn’t have ever left, or why I should have brought her with me. If I had just been with her, protected her, maybe things would have gone differently.”

“Weren’t you listening to anything I just said? It’s all random. To avoid such circumstances you’d have to follow your loved ones everywhere all the time and you can hardly watch them all at once. It’s physically impossible, which is what you experienced. For instance, if you hadn’t gone perhaps Mikado would die in her place or meet an even more terrible fate. In the end, you couldn’t have both. It wasn’t your fault, it was simply an unfair circumstance you stumbled into. Walking a tightrope with both of your friends’ necks on the line. It happens to us all,” he said. I gripped my pants.

“It’s always happened to Saki, I knew that, yet I _still_ couldn’t protect her, after everything!” I fell silent, breaking into a bigger sob. 

“Saki went to both places on her own accord, you had no control over this. You may have known she was in danger when she was kidnapped by the Blue Squares, but in this instance, you didn’t _even_ know she was in Ikebukuro. What did you expect to do, I wonder. Do you want to be on equal footing with **God**?”

“No. I-I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am,” he asserted, smiling. 

“Do you feel better now?” His eyes seemed to soften somehow, but it must have been my imagination. 

“A bit, but that doesn’t change the fact she’s gone now. I won’t ever be able to talk to her again, or laugh with her, or tell her stupid jokes,” I said, even more tears flowing down my face, “I can’t ever get her back, I didn’t even get to say goodbye. _I don’t know what to do_ .” I’m not sure why I admitted that to Izaya of all people, that I was lost, that I didn’t know what to do with this sadness in me, that I thought it might swallow me whole. Maybe I told him because he always seemed like he had the answers and I was desperate. I was tired of feeling this way too. He fell silent for a moment, then _grinned_. 

“ _Nothing_ you do can turn back time. You will _never_ be able to fulfill your desires with Saki or bring her back from the dead. She is gone from this Earth _forever_ , you will have to move on to new and better things. You need to _evolve_ ,” he told me. 

“B-but…” I said, chewing on my lip. He tilted his head at me.

“It’s only been a year-”

“A year and a half is more accurate,” he interrupted matter of factly.

“Yeah well, it hasn’t been that long, and she was _everything_ to me. If I just move on...the idea doesn’t sit well with me. Imagining me not thinking of her, or forgetting her later down the line. Imagining me with someone else like it never happened, it makes me sick.” I admitted. He laughed. “What?” That stung a little.

“You said someone _else_ , gender nonspecific, rather than just another _girl_ ,” he explained.

“W-well I…”

“It was merely an observation. Onto the topic at hand, let me guess, you’re worried that people will see you as a selfish monster because you’ve moved on too quickly for their liking. No, knowing you, you must be wondering if, in the end, maybe you didn’t love her that deeply. You’re ready to walk away and you see that as a sign that your emotions were weak. You’re thinking ‘what would Saki think if she saw how I felt? I’m betraying her without even trying, she must hate me!’” he said, twiddling with his fingers a little as if creating a spider web out of all my feelings. “I just find it hilarious that you humans care so much about the thoughts and opinions of others, even when they’re long gone.” I kept silent. He held out his arms dramatically. “Saki is gone, deceased, the girl we both knew no longer exists. If she sees anything it’s just _darkness_ and she feels absolutely _nothing_ ! She can no longer be upset by any of your actions, thoughts, emotions, past, present, or future. If you move on she will be affected in _no way_ , worrying about the thoughts of a dead person is a complete waste of energy. It only makes you miserable for something that will never be there.” I knew he was right, I knew I was being an idiot, but it ticked me off. Even if someone is dead how can you do that to them? Just kick them to the curb without them knowing simply because they can’t do anything about it? How can you do that to someone you love? It’s cruel, I don’t ever want to do that. I gritted my teeth and he looked at me in interest. “Oh Masaomi, you are loyal to a fault, but for all the wrong reasons. Can I tell you something?”

It was then that he said those seven devastating words. I wasn’t prepared and before I could even fight back, they viciously ripped through my walls, shattered me to my core, and left me breathless. They’re probably the words that changed _everything_. “Saki would want you to be happy.” My eyes widened and I looked up at him.

“W-what did you say?” I asked, voice quivering.

“You heard me. Saki wouldn’t want you to be depressed forever. What would she say if she saw you like _this_? Surely she’d be disappointed.” he said. I rubbed the tears out of my eyes. I could practically hear her voice in my head and see the tears in her stormy eyes. “You idiot!”

“She’d probably call me an idiot.”

“Is she wrong?” he joked and I laughed a little.

“No.” I shook my head.

“See? There’s no reason for you to hold on so much, the world certainly won’t wait around for you to get over it. I can only imagine all the little things you’re grasping onto, no wonder you’re such a stress case,” he said, smiling in delight, yet, oddly enough, it didn’t bother me. It almost looked warm to me. In these two years no one had said that to me, “you’re expecting the impossible, you need to move on, why are you doing this to yourself?”, and most importantly, no one had dared try to destroy the sensitive, rageful Saki I had created in my head. No one even knew it was there because I always lied. No one heard me screaming. Yet he saw it, he heard it, _all_ of it, and with just a few of his words I finally felt okay, like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders and I could just cry again out of pure joy. It felt safe and secure, in this moment it held me completely, and I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t help but let it consume me. With his power, he had done what perhaps no one else could. 

He walked over to the window, staring out at the cold city, his smile reflected in the glass.

“Masaomi, can you just tell me one thing?” he asked, then, after a brief moment of silence, “Saki, who killed her?” My breath was caught in my throat.

“I-Izumii, the old leader of the Blue Squares.” He clasped his hands together.

“Interesting, so that’s his move, I see,” he said to himself then, spinning around energetically and falsely losing his smile, “This has become too heavy even for me, I’m going back to bed.” He didn’t look all that disturbed.

“Alright, um...Izaya?” I spoke up carefully and he paused at the stairs, looking back at me. I wasn’t exactly sure how to explain my gratitude. Did he know his words released me from a year and a half worth of shame and pain? “T-thanks so much.” I bowed my head a little and he stared at me for a moment, face forced expressionless before he smiled widely, his eyes glowing in that strange way of his.

“It was my pleasure,” he said, turning without another word and transcending the stairs. He looked down at me, the city lights from the large windows reflecting on his face, before finally going into his room for the night and shutting the door. He didn’t lock it this time. I put my hand on my chest, head spinning. This might sound completely stupid and crazy but…

  
 _I almost didn’t want him to leave_.


	7. The Spark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final of the Flickering Flame arc. Ever since Izaya helped Masaomi overcome his grief, he's been feeling odd. He isn't sure what's wrong with him, but Izaya certainly doesn't give him any time to figure out, hatching a new "test" for the young man.

I woke up not really knowing how to feel. For once I had a dreamless sleep, which had been comforting. As my mind slowly woke up the events from last night replayed in my head. Did that really happen? Last week I could barely function being in the same room as him, just being in the bedroom across from him scared me, and we were constantly on the verge of fighting. Now everything is different. I’m not worried about all those previous things, it’s like he reached into my mind and just snatched them away. Then there was Saki. I didn’t feel immediate relief or joy, which is to be suspected I suppose, but I wasn’t really depressed anymore either. I just felt a little numb, like, I spent so much time mourning over Saki my emotions didn’t know what to do with themselves anymore. I sat up, looking around. I didn’t see Izaya anywhere in the office, I guessed he went out for a while. I was just about to lay back down and mess with my phone when I heard a muffled chuckle. I turned around and nearly leaped off the couch when I saw Izaya.

“Aggghhh!” I exclaimed, dropping my phone on the ground. 

“Agh?” he asked, chuckling at me.

“You surprised me. I thought you weren’t in today...” I found myself smiling now that he was here. He lounged back lazily.

“I wasn’t, but my lead turned out to be nothing but a few petty rumors. Oh well, I’m on to bigger and better things” he said. I wondered how long ago that was. Wait, does that mean he was just sitting there, watching me? He looked over and smiled at me playfully, as if reading my mind and I quickly looked away. I hoped he didn’t see me as a crybaby after what happened before. “How are you feeling?”

“A-alright,” I said a little skittishly. I wasn’t used to him being so chummy with me. 

“Good.” I looked back at him carefully and he leaned forward a little, chin propped on his hands, just watching me. It was like he expected me to implode or something. 

“U-um,” I said awkwardly. What to say...usually I’d crack some kind of joke, but nothing was coming to mind, my thoughts were scrambled. I tapped my fingers together nervously and he smirked at this. “About last night…”

“Oh?” I desperately thought of how to word this.

“T-thanks for everything you said. You’re right, I feel a lot better now. I was sort of depressed before, so…” I said and his smile widened. 

“Of course,” he said. He was so quiet, I mean, I liked this version of him better but, it felt so weird.

“Things aren’t awkward between us, are they?” I asked.

“No, why would they be?”

“I mean, I was sobbing and...yeah,” I said, cheeks flushing and he snickered.

“Does that _embarrass_ you?” he wondered.

“N-no!”

“Aww, look how red your face has become,” he said, smirking widely. I pulled up my hoodie and turned away.

“It’s not!” I said.

“I already saw, it’s too late.”

“Yeah, okay, but like, I didn’t know you were there and you snuck up on me!” I whined.

“That was my intention, yes.”

“T-that’s not the...whatever,” I decided, putting my hood back down and pouting. 

“ _Whatever_ ,” he mimicked playfully and I laughed, grinning despite myself. 

“So you still can genuinely laugh, good to know.”

“Have I really never laughed even once?”

“Not when I was around at least. With Shinra perhaps. Oh and I’m sure you and Namie exchanged plenty of jokes when I wasn’t here. That woman is such a hoot,” he said sarcastically and I laughed again. I just couldn’t help it, imaging Namie, stern-faced, practical Namie, telling a knock-knock joke was too much. 

“Yep, all the time, it’s kind of like, her thing? She’s even funnier than me,” I joked back.

“Considering you’ve always sucked at making jokes, that’s not a high bar to cross.”

“H-hey!” I said, though I wasn’t offended. 

“I’m just saying it how it is.”

“Yeah well...your jokes suck too so, take that!” I clapped back.

“I will inform you that I have an excellent sense of humor. I’ve talked to many humans and they’ve all found me very entertaining,” he said.

“I’m sure they all found you real funny until you stole all their bank information and sold it on the black market or something,” I joked then froze, shocked at myself. I watched him in concern but it didn’t seem to crack his mood.

“Oh, you heard about that? I’ll let you know that man deserved it. He was cheating on his wife and stealing money from his parents. Now, who does that?” he said and my mouth gaped slightly.

“ _What_?” He looked at my shocked face in amusement.

“I was just kidding, though I have plenty of stories that are similar. I highly doubt you want to hear them.” His stories must be so depressing if they’re all like that. I fell silent.

He got up and stretched. “Don’t look so down, today is too nice to stay inside moping. Can I pick you up?” he asked.

“W-why?” I bit my lip.

“So suspicious. I just want to show you something,” he said with a huge smirk.

“Okay I guess…” I muttered and he skipped over happily. He picked me up carefully, holding me close to his chest and heading over to the apartment door. My face turned a little red. He smelled kind of nice. It was a fresh scent, jasmine and mint I think. It was like a spring morning, a light and breezy scent. It didn’t really suit him at all, but still. What’s wrong with me? “We’re going outside?” I asked, slightly distracted. 

“Yes, as I said, it’s lovely outside. Can we really let a day such as this go to waste?” he asked me as we exited the apartment. 

“No?” I said unsure and he held back a laugh. He walked into the elevator, his eyes shifting around as if he was thinking. Suddenly, he placed me down. I stared up at him in horror.

“Izaya? You can’t be serious!” I said, trying to grab him but he stepped out of the way.

“I am very serious. I’m sorry Masaomi but I have no time. Thanks for visiting, come back again soon!” he said, pressing the first-floor button and rushing out. It made a little noise in recognition and the doors began to close. 

“Wait!” He just watched as they closed, waving a little. The doors were glass, so I could see him watching me in pleasure as it traveled down. 

I watched as the floors went by, clueless on what to do. Things were going so well too, I could nearly cry but now wasn’t the time, I needed to think. I reached up for the handrails, pulling myself up and looking at the buttons. Izaya’s apartment was on the top floor...right? I hit the button, which lit up and I waited for the elevator to stop descending so it’d make its way up, dragging my teeth across my lip. I think I was shaking but I could hardly feel it, the fear consuming me. It stopped at the first floor, pausing for a moment, then, after I hit the button to keep the doors closed, began its ascent. Someone was there in the lobby, waiting for an elevator that wouldn’t stop for them. I felt a little guilty. They stared at me, the man leaning against the wall as if he had just gotten shot, holding onto his leg like it might fall off, utterly bewildered. They dropped their wallet and I waved at them sheepishly, forcing a smile. They waved back slowly and watched me ascend like they were watching a ghost. They probably thought they had just imagined it.

I stared at the ceiling as I waited. That bastard, who knew how far back this could put my leg. I shouldn’t have trusted him, not that I’d have any idea why he’d do something like this all of the sudden. Dammit! I hit the wall, immediately regretting it, rubbing my knuckles. The elevator slowed as it reached the right floor and Izaya still stood there, smiling like a proud parent as he watched me. I was completely pissed at him...but I was still glad to see him. The elevator stopped and I got out the moment the doors opened.

“Back so soon? You must have really missed me, how sweet. I hope the ride was fun,” he said teasingly. I stomped over, grabbing onto his jacket, trembling.

“What the Hell man! I was all by myself, I could barely do anything, I had to put stress on my leg, this could set me back for who knows how long, if someone had been there...why?” I yelled at first but it slowly dissolved into a whisper.

“I don’t know about that,” he said, taking my hands off his jacket, holding them for a moment. “After all...you’re standing.” He let go of my hands, letting me support myself and my eyes widened. I looked down, just to make sure, and I was in fact standing, even on my injured leg. 

“But...I don’t understand,” I said, grabbing for his shoulders for support but he stepped back and out of the way.

“It’s been a year and a half yet you still can’t even walk a little, don’t you find that strange? I looked into it and heard your injury wasn’t even _that_ serious. You were originally put in a wheelchair due to both of your legs being injured at the same time. Though, it was possible things with the Blue Scarves had been nasty enough to leave a fatal wound. So, I called Shinra, and would you guess he was also surprised you weren’t walking or, as he put it, ‘enthusiastically running away from me’. I thought I’d test out the theory by putting you in an extreme circumstance and you performed wonderfully! Good job!” he said, clapping.

“Y-you’re saying it was all just in my head?” I asked, gritting my teeth.

“Exactly! It’s a psychosomatic wound worsened by your memories, your guilt. You keep thinking about that night over and over again and so, in your eyes, your leg worsens dramatically. Now that I’ve distracted you, you only have a limp! The human mind works in such mysterious ways!” He held out his arm and walked back even further. “Now, come here. Let’s finally get you to walk properly, shall we?”

I stared at his arm, still trembling. 

“I-I can’t…”

“Masaomi-”

“I can’t!” I said, my shaking worsening. He only chuckled, as if seeing me as just overdramatic.

“Yes you can, I assure you it’s possible. Think about this logically, you’re standing right now all by yourself! Walking should be no problem,” he assured me but I still felt scared. “If you fall I’ll catch you.” I didn’t believe him but I was out of options. I nodded, taking a deep breath. Just one foot after the other. I took a step with my good leg, then with my bad leg, testing it several times before putting pressure on it. One step, two steps, three steps, four steps...I walked a little funky, but I was walking. I kept counting in my head to try to keep my chill and, before I knew it, I bumped into his arm. I looked at it in amazement before grasping it. Izaya’s eyes lit up like Christmas lights.

“This result is better than I ever imagined! I’ll have to call Shinra to make sure that elevator ride didn’t cause any complications, but I have a feeling with some help you’ll be running around the apartment in no time!” he said, grinning.

“O-okay, okay, can we go sit down?” I didn’t want to test my luck. I was hyperventilating a little. It had been so long since I walked on my own.

“Alright,” he said softly. 

He led me to the couch, sitting me down and waiting for me to calm down slightly before making the phone call. “Hello, Shinra? Are you free today? It’s about Masaomi.” 

After he finished he offered me a warm cup of tea. “Here.” I smiled a little.

“T-thanks,” I said, carefully taking a sip. The warmth helped calm me down. 

“You might be able to start walking, I thought you’d be more excited,” he admitted. 

“I am I just...it’s been so long, it’s hard to get used to,” I said then, grinning a little playfully, “Besides, it’s not like I can _actually_ go anywhere.” He looked away thoughtfully. 

“You’ll be happy to hear the Blue Squares have been oddly quiet as of late. I wonder what on Earth they’re up to,” he said as he peered out one of the windows. At least that part of him never changes.

“Really? Oh, I do remember you saying something about that before,” I said. “Maybe they’ve given up?”

“I doubt it, but I have a feeling the city will be quiet for a while. It’s the calm before the storm,” he mused, seeming to really like this idea. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was true about him as well. I examined him. His head was tilted up slightly, almost sloping with his slightly perky nose, thin pointy chin held up high. His deep russet eyes gleamed, reflecting the city lights below, and his thin lips were drawn into a Cheshire like grin. His raven black hair was polluted with yellow and orange. He was an evil empress looking down at his realm, waiting patiently for the smoke and fire to rise far into the sky. Was _this_ the calm before his storm? I couldn’t look away. I wanted to somehow ball it up in my hands and never let it go. 

I found myself just staring. Eventually, he noticed, turning.

“Hm?” he began, pausing as he saw the expression on my face, smile fading. We stared at each other dead in the eyes, both of us startled. It was as if we both expected to see something there, but neither knew what the other was searching for. The silence felt so heavy I could drown in it. Izaya took a breath and his mouth moved, as if to say something, but before he could get the words out, the doorbell rang. “I’ll get that,” he said, as if I would have. He danced over to the door and opened it. “Welcome! You arrived so quickly, how splendid!”

“Hey, ha, you’re in a good mood. Celty drove me. When I told her Masaomi might be walking soon she got all excited. Speaking of which, where’s my little patient then?” I heard a familiar voice ask.

“Right this way.” Shinra followed Izaya inside and clasped his hands together as he saw me.

“There you are! I heard you’ve made some great progress! I’m so happy for you!” he said, putting his arms up in the air a little bit. I laughed.

“Yeah, I have, I think. I feel a lot better honestly,” I told him and he beamed.

“That’s wonderful to hear! Being sick during the holidays is never fun. Let’s check out that leg then.” We laid it out on the couch and he pulled up my pant’s leg gently. It looked nasty but it was small and had dried up. I never really looked at it too closely, it made my stomach churn. He nodded to himself. “Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I see,” he said, pausing to adjust his glasses, “It’s looking really good! It’s healed up nicely, though it will probably still leave a scar. I think it’s safe to say you can start walking now, but don’t overdo it. This should help.” He pulled a cane out of his coat and handed it to me. I blinked, taking it. It was your basic medical cane, metal with a black handle at the top and a stopper at the bottom. I can’t believe he was just walking around with it there.

“An item that serves an everyday function and can also be used as a blunt force object. What a thoughtful gift,” Izaya said from behind the couch, kneeling down, his arms draped over the cushions.

“Oh shush you,” Shinra said playfully.

“Thanks so much,” I said, offering him a shy smile.

“No problem!” He smiled then suddenly frowned, eyes narrowing. “Wait a second, something feels off here.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Hmm, you and Izaya are in the same room, but you’re only a few feet apart and you aren’t reacting at all Masaomi,” he points out then, whispering, but not quietly enough that Izaya can’t hear, “Do I need to shoo him away?”

“I’m not a cat,” Izaya muttered.

“Oh, no? I guess we...settled our differences or something?” I said hesitantly. 

“Really?” Shinra looked between us dramatically. 

“Yeah.” Izaya had gone silent as if letting me do the talking.

He stood up, crossing his arms, looking like he didn’t believe us.

“Izaya, tell me, how did you figure out Masaomi could walk? No wait, actually, we both knew he could, so why did you _even_ call me here?” he said, flailing around dramatically. 

“I didn’t have a cane besides, he wouldn’t listen to me,” Izaya said.

“Izaaayaaa! Be honest,” he said, giving him a look. 

“I may or may not have put him in a situation where he absolutely had to stand. He’s fine.

“Izaya! Masaomi what did he do?” Shinra asked. Both men looked at me expectantly.

“W-well, he...he put me in an elevator,” I explained.

“I thought we said no more pranks until he got better!” Shinra exclaimed.

“He is ‘better’ and he wouldn’t walk otherwise!” Shinra reached over and grabbed his ear, tugging on it. “Ouch, ouch, ouch!” Watching them, no longer feeling in danger, I couldn’t help but laugh. They were older than me but they acted like children.

“Sorry, sorry, I don’t mean to laugh,” I said but Shinra smiled.

“No, no, laugh all you want! I’m just glad to see your mood has improved. The other times I came here you looked so scared and upset,” he said to me kindly and, when he was distracted, Izaya nudged him in the stomach, breaking free. Shinra glared at him. “If I help Masaomi get more comfortable with walking, will you lay off for a little while? Pretty please?”

“Okay~!” he said cheerfully and Shinra sighed.

“You knew I was going to say that, didn’t you? Fine, I would have offered anyway, oh!” 

His phone played a little text alert and he looked at it. “Hey, Izaya, can I send Celty up? She wants to see Masaomi.”

“Doesn’t she want to chop my head off?” he asked.

“Maybe a little...but she promised not to do anything! She just wants to make sure he’s holding up okay,” Shinra assured him.

“Fine, but I’m not answering the door” Shinra quickly texted her and, after a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. He ran over and before he could say anything, Celty immediately went to me. She put her hand on my shoulder, checking me for all my limbs I suspected, then hugged me. I blinked, surprised, hugging her back. After a moment she pulled away.

“Aww, Celty, you didn’t have to worry so much about me. I’m fine, see? My cute little face is still perfect!” I said with fake narcissism and I could see her shake, laughing.

 _Good, I hear that’s what the ladies like most_ , she joked. I fidgeted a little nervously. _What about emotionally? Has he said anything weird to you? He hasn’t initiated you into his like...weird brain cult, has he?_

“His what now?” I asked, confused.

“Yes, my what?” Izaya asked, not being able to see her phone but she ignored him.

 _Nevermind. Just...don’t let him get into your head, and if you think he’s getting into your head, talk to someone, anyone_ **_but_ ** _him. My texts are always open._ A pang of guilt hit me. If I explained the situation to her, I didn’t think she’d understand. I didn’t want to discredit all the ways she had helped me either. I just forced a nod.

_Anyway, I heard you’ll be able to walk! That’s so exciting, isn’t it? It’s been such a long time. You know, I think we’ve only properly talked when you were in a wheelchair._

“Y-yeah...I’ve been in a wheelchair for quite a while now. I’m kind of worried about walking,” I confessed. 

_Why? Does it just feel foreign now?_

“I think so, I also just worry about my leg a lot. It still doesn’t feel very stable.”

“That’s what the cane is for! You’ll have to build up those muscles before being able to walk normally. It will be worth it though, I promise!” Shinra said, patting my hand and I looked at the cane. 

“If you’re sure…”

 _Shinra knows what he’s talking about, I promise._ I smiled slightly, a little comforted. _So, are we going to blow the lid off this thing or not? I’m ready to kick this leg injury in the butt!_

“Yeah! Come on Masaomi, stand up and give your cane a try! Here,” he said, offering his hand and I took it. He pulled me up steadily, making sure I could stand on my own before letting go. I leaned on my new cane a lot, nearly tumbling over at first as I tried to find the balance. 

“What a horrible host I am. Does anyone want a drink?” he said then, when no one responded, both Celty and Shinra terrified I might collapse, “I’ll just make tea then.”

“Thanks!” Shinra called and Izaya headed for the kitchen. “You seem to have better balance now, try walking towards one of us.” I limped forward, the cane catching onto the carpet and I nearly fell face-first into the coffee table. 

“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

_Don’t be silly, that was only your first attempt. It’ll be alright, we’ll make sure nothing bad happens._

“Oh, Izaya, I thought you went to get drinks,” Shinra said and I turned to see Izaya standing there. I hadn't heard him approach.

“I was, but this is much more entertaining,” he said and Shinra sighed.

“Fine, just don’t make him too nervous, okay?” he said and Izaya gave him an innocent little angel type look. I took a moment to compose myself then took another step forward. It was shaky as well, but at least I didn’t nearly fall over. Izaya trailed behind closely, standing by my side. 

_Good, good! See, you’re making great progress!_

“It was only one step though,” I said, eyebrows furrowing.

“One step at a time Masaomi, one step at a time,” Shinra reassured me and I offered him a grateful grin.

“You two act like such parents, honestly. Yet, Shinra has to be twenty-five or twenty-six and Celty is who knows how old and you still have no children. Interesting. I wonder, are you two just completely opposed to the idea or is Masaomi your replacement for Celty’s inability to have any?” Izaya said and the smoke on Celty’s head burst in anger. 

_Firstly, that’s none of your business, secondly, do you know what you’re implying? Bringing another Dullahan into this world? Hell, we don’t even know_ **_what_ ** _it would be!_

“Exactly, it’s like a chemistry project. Mixing things together to see what pops out of the other end, sounds fun to me,” he said and Shinra’s and my face turned red. 

_You pervert!_ She said to him then, to Shinra, _That’s it, I’m punching him!_ I limped over, nearly falling into her but managing to brace myself by putting my hand on her shoulder. 

“H-hold on, he’s just trying to rile you up Celty, calm down,” I said and she took a deep breath, well, it looked like she did. 

_You’re right, I’m sorry._ Shinra composed himself, messing with his tie. 

“You know, he does make a point though,” he said and Celty jumped back dramatically. 

_Not you too!_

“No, it’s just, we really don’t know what our child would look like. But, at the same time, having little Dullahan babies would be kind of cu-” Shinra began, getting cut off when Celty grabbed onto his cheek with her shadows. 

_This isn’t what we talk about in front of company!_

“Ow, ow, sorry Celty!” he said, not fighting back much. Izaya laughed

“You two are such a mess,” he noted. Celty turned to him, walking up and holding her phone right in front of his face threateningly. I followed, attempting to stop her but she was too determined. I leaned on the couch and watched anxiously.

_And you! I have so much to say to you, but right now I’m focusing on Masaomi. Don’t think I’ve let you off the hook!_

“My my, what an angry woman you are. You should be careful who you threaten though, especially when they’re taking care of one of your dearest friends,” he threatened right back and I flinched slightly, hurt. Her fist clenched but she forced her rage down. She let Shinra go, who breathed in relief.

_Fine, I’m sorry. Thanks for taking care of him._

“Of course!” he said, beaming in triumph.

“More importantly, look at you go Masaomi!” Shinra said and I blinked.

“You’ve been limping back and forth during this whole conversation,” Izaya explained and my eyes widened.

 _You have! Masaomi that’s great!_ I couldn’t believe it really, this was all so much.

“See? There’s no reason for you to worry so much,” he said. I gripped onto the top of my cane, unsure.

“So, Izaya, are you satisfied with Masaomi’s progress yet?” Shinra asked.

“Yes, immensely!” he said and Shinra cartoonishly wiped his forehead, making me laugh.

“Good. Masaomi, why don’t you sit down, you wouldn’t want to overwhelm yourself,” he said with a soft smile, helping me struggle to the couch. Once I had sat down, he looked between Izaya and Celty, this sort of sad look in his eyes. It shocked me, he rarely ever looked sad. “Celty, Izaya, can I talk to you both outside? We need to have an adult chat.” He offered me a wink before heading for the door. “This won’t take long!” he assured me. Izaya and Celty exchanged glances before following him. 

I heard the door close and I peered over. What the Hell was that about? I hoped everything was okay, then again, maybe Shinra was just mad at him for making Celty so uncomfortable. I tried to tell myself that at least, but it felt like they were out there forever and, when they returned, it was oddly quiet. Izaya went to the living room, plopping down on the chair almost moodily while Shinra and Celty peered in from the entryway.

“We’re just going to be off now, but as always, call if anything happens okay?” he said and I nodded.

“Thanks so much for everything!” I called and he beamed.

“No problem at all! Have a good night,” he said.

“You too.” He turned to leave but stopped when Celty didn’t follow. She froze there for a minute, then rushed over and gave me a hug. “Celty?” She hugged me for quite a while before pulling away.

 _Are you sure you’re going to be okay here? I don’t care if Aoba or the Blue Squares comes to my apartment, I’d be prepared for anything if it meant you were safe._ I grinned, touched.

“It’s okay Celty, I...I’ll be fine. Promise,” I said, giving her my pinky finger and she grabbed it with hers.

 _If you’re sure, don’t be a stranger though._ She stood and followed Shinra out the door.

“Gone so soon. Well, it was to be expected, that woman hates my guts,” he said, smirking as we both heard the sound of her motorcycle below, the sound zooming by. I looked at him before awkwardly looking away, my face red. He noticed, smiling widely.

“Did the things I say to Celty and Shinra upset you? As I’ve said before, I’m no pervert, I just knew it’d bother them the most and therefore used it. Besides, Shinra lectured the life out of me for saying such tasteless things in front of poor innocent you. They really do see you as a nephew,” he explained. 

“R-right…” I said, hiding behind my bangs. 

“You know, for a ladies' man, you’re adorably immature about this topic.”

“Yeah well, it’s embarrassing. Stop bringing it up…” I complained, sinking into my hoodie to hide my blushing cheeks. I was joking around but, it really did make me nervous, _especially_ when he brought it up. 

“Fine, fine,” he said, not pushing me to my surprise, holding back a yawn. He stood, he never stayed in one place for too long, I noticed unless it was his computer desk. “I’m going to bed then, putting up with those two has exhausted me. You...well, I suppose now you can do whatever you want,” he said, motioning to my cane. “Will you be able to handle the stairs by yourself, or are you still insisting on being a couch potato?”

“U-um…”

“I understand. In that case, goodnight Masaomi,” he said, heading up the stairs a bit hurriedly.

“N-night,” I said, unsure if he heard me before disappearing into his room. 

I couldn't sleep that night, my head just wouldn't shut up with everything going on. I laid there for what felt like hours, eyes closed, but nothing happened. I kept asking myself, why was Izaya being so strange, why was _I_ being so strange? Not to mention everything with my leg. This place was so eerie at night. It felt like the empty set of a movie, cold and lifeless without its main actors. The place had A/C. That's stupid to mention, but it was such a normal, strange thing to hear here. Izaya, the master manipulator that had hurt so many, who I can’t figure out at all, sleeps at night in a normal apartment with A/C. The more you looked around the more human he became. This place was so normal that if I closed my eyes I could just pretend I was back at Mikado's. He would be laying only a few inches away, yet if I reached out here I was met with nothing. God, I wished he was here, maybe he could make sense of all the things inside my head. I hoped he wasn't worrying himself to death.

I heard the steps squeak and I froze. Izaya was the only one in the house, but why was he down here this late? Did he work sometimes, or was the only bathroom down here? Well, those are the reasons I hoped for. As far as I know, he's sneaking out at night doing shady shit or...no, don't think about that. I turned to the back of the couch so he couldn't see my face, trying to listen as he walked by. Yet the moment he left the stairs his steps became near silent. After holding my breath for a good while, I risked a peek around.

Izaya was standing by the window. He wasn't doing anything, just looking out at the snow-covered city. I could see his face reflected in the window and it looked oddly _stern_. He just stood there for a good while and, when it seemed like he would move, I hid my face in the couch again, closing my eyes just in case. I couldn't hear him but, after a while, I swore I could feel his eyes on me. They were just burrowing into my back, I even swore I could smell a small hint of mint. I passed it off as my imagination. I just had to stay calm. I felt something lightly on the back of my head. It tickled honestly, I thought it was the wind from him walking past until it became stronger. A gentle stroke of the fingers from the top of my head to the nape of my neck. Just one, then the feeling of his eyes disappeared and I heard the stairs again. Then silence. 

I had expected to have to force myself still but now I hardly wanted to move. Izaya rarely ever touched me and, when he did, it felt demanding or insincere. Yet he wanted the person to feel that. This was different. It was light as a feather as if he had hoped I wouldn't notice. It couldn't have been from Izaya, could it? I'm paranoid and imagining things. Is this a dream? I was half expecting him to parade down here all like, "you reacted exactly as expected!". Yet he didn't. It was so silent. I finally moved to pinch myself. It stung sharply. I took in a shaky breath.

What was that and…

  
... _why do I feel those butterflies again?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the 27th in the story so, the New Year chapter will be coming later. Regardless, happy beginning of 2021! I hope everyone is doing well and thank you so much for consuming my work.


	8. The Kindling You Can’t Douse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Izaya out of the house, Masaomi attempts to relax and take a breather, having a long-overdue conversation with his closest friends; Anri and Mikado. Yet his heart may have other plans.

When I woke up it was the first thing I thought about. The feeling tickled my neck and I felt a little breathless. I rubbed it then looked around, expecting Izaya to be hiding somewhere, waiting to jump out and scare the life out of me. Instead, what I saw was a note in the chair where he usually sat. It was folded in a triangle so it could stand. I pushed myself up then, not really in the mood to try to walk over there, picked up my cane, and attempted to use it as a pole. I had to push the paper around a little to reveal the opening, then stuck my cane inside, carefully pulling it back towards me. It almost fell off a couple of times, but I managed it, reading it curiously. I could practically hear it in his voice:

_Goodmorning ~_

_I’m afraid I won’t be around today. I have work to do for an important client that refuses to wait any longer. How scary! There are leftovers in the fridge you can heat up if you get hungry. Don’t have too much fun while I’m gone!_

_Izaya_

It was probably for the best. I needed some space to breathe and think. My phone buzzed and I checked to see who it was. Mikado was calling me? I thought I had done a good job at acting chill. After collecting myself, I picked up.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“Masaomi! Oh my gosh, it’s so great to hear your voice again!” Mikado exclaimed in relief. “Can I put you on speakerphone so Anri can hear you too?”

“Sure, as long as you’re alone.” Knowing how they both were, things might get sickeningly deep. 

“Hi, Masaomi,” I eventually heard Anri’s soft voice say.

“Sup Anri! It’s super good to hear from you guys too, it feels like it’s been forever,” I said and they both laughed.

“It really does! That’s why we called you. We realized we got so caught up in everything we forgot to properly check-in with you. We’re just so used to seeing you every day, it’s weird to have you so far away,” he said, his voice sounding a little strained. He seemed tired, I hoped he wasn’t getting involved in anything shady, but Anri wouldn’t let him, would she?

“Yeah, we really didn’t mean to, we promise!”

“Aw, don’t worry so much, I didn’t take it personally or anything,” I assured them, biting my lip. The truth was I had missed talking to them so much. 

“Is Izaya there?” she asked, sounding a little scared.

“No, he’s out today,” I told her and she sighed in relief.

“That’s good. So, then, how have things been for you? I know staying with Izaya must be hard, especially since you two have a history,” he said.

“If anything has happened, we’re always willing to listen if you want to talk about it,” she chimed in. I didn't know how to respond. A couple of years ago, I would have easily lied and kept laughing like it was nothing. Things were different now. Should I tell him he helped me get over Saki or keep quiet? If they thought he might use it against me they might freakout. I didn't want Mikado to lose it again.

"It's been a little confusing...okay, very confusing. Izaya is so different now, I don't know how to respond to him," I explained.

"Different in what way?" Mikado asked.

"How to describe it...he's quieter, fidgety, and I guess I don't completely hate him anymore. I sound like a complete hypocrite, don't I?" I asked nervously. That didn’t even explain that weird feeling I kept getting.

"No, though I didn't expect to hear that from you, you've always had such a thing against him. You even vowed to kill him once. I understand the situation must be complex though. I wonder what's up with him. Maybe Shinra's scoldings really got to him somehow."

"How did you hear about that?" I asked, alarmed.

"Oh, Celty told us. She said Izaya was acting strangely too," Anri said, then, "Masaomi, you should be careful. People like Izaya, well...they don't just become better like that." That warning hit me to my core.

"I-I know, that's why I've been so worried recently. It feels like he's just waiting to burst sometimes," I practically whispered.

“I’m sorry!” she quickly said. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just worried is all! I’m sure Celty and Shinra will be able to deal with whatever he has planned. You’ll make it out fine, we promise!”

“Yeah,” Mikado agreed and I smiled.

“Thanks, guys, that helps me feel better.”

There was a tense silence for a moment and I furrowed my eyebrows. 

“O-on a brighter note, Masaomi, Shinra told us you’re starting to walk!” he said, suddenly changing the subject.

“Haha yeah, it’s a bit hard to get used to,” I confessed.

“I imagine, it’s been so long. It’ll be great to have you mobile again though!” he said.

“Maybe, when it’s safe and you’re comfortable with going outside, you can talk to Erika and the others. They’ve been wanting to talk to you for so long,” she added and I was honestly so happy they even still had interest in me.

“Totally. Er...can you apologize to them for me?” I asked.

“Why?” they both said at the same time then laughed at each other. 

“Well, it’s just, they were so nice to me and I pushed them away all the time so...I feel pretty bad about it.”

“Don’t worry, they didn’t take it personally! They knew you were going through a lot, so…” Anri assured me. 

“Aw, that’s sweet of them,” I said, pulling on my bangs. I didn’t deserve it. 

“When things calm down, I’m sure we’ll all become great friends,” Mikado said optimistically, but it wasn’t the same as it used to be. He used to be a starry-eyed dreamer that saw the good in everything and everyone, he was living every day like it was the best day of his life and always smiled. Now his optimism felt so...forced? It worried me but I never knew how to respond to it. What do I say to make him feel better? I was always useless at this…

“Totally, they seem like a lot of fun.”

There was an odd silence for a moment and I narrowed my eyes a little. 

“Hey so, speaking of which, Mikado and I had an idea, but we’re not sure if it will sit well with you,” Anri began and I suddenly felt sick.

“It’s not anything bad! We just think, well…”

“We think it’s important you talk to normal people from time to time, so Izaya doesn’t isolate or confuse you,” she began, I couldn’t bear to tell her she was too late, “So, just in case you’re stuck there for a long time, we’ve been thinking of ways to connect you with the others.”

“Okay, and?” I asked hesitantly.

“I’ve been trying to figure out that one site we used to have that chat room on. It took a bit of practice since I’ve never been an admin but, I think I know how to host my own chat now!” he exclaimed happily. The last time we had a chatroom Izaya hijacked it and made everything go to shit. “We’ll make sure Izaya doesn’t get involved, and, even if he does, we’ll know what to look out for this time. Not that we’re putting pressure on you or anything of course.”

“For a while, it could just be Mikado, you, and I and we could bring others in slowly. We just don’t want you to be lonely. It seems unfair that we can go everywhere and you’re stuck there,” she said and I chewed on my lip. I didn’t want to put them at risk again but, then again, I desperately needed someone else to talk to. Okay, it’ll be fine, if Izaya hacks into my account I’ll just be honest about it.

“I mean...we can give it a shot,” I said quietly and I heard the sound of someone rushing around.

“Great! Now that I have your permission, I’m going to create it right now!” Mikado said and Anri giggled.

“Careful, don’t trip!” she said to him then, to me, “he’s been really excited about it, he’s been wanting to ask you for a while but we’ve been pretty shy about it.” I couldn’t blame him, logging into that chat every day probably helped him cope a little.

“What should we call it?” Mikado’s voice was louder now as if Anri had moved over. He must have passed her the phone.

“Something cool, like...um, oh I’m so bad at naming things!” she admitted playfully.

“I’ll just call it the guild, since Walker always talks about that time he made one with Celty,” Mikado decided, typing away quickly. He had always been such a fast typer, I could hardly keep up. “Alright, I’m sending out invites! You both should get it via email.” It took a while but, eventually, it came and I paused from the call to use it. I clicked on it, being brought to the familiar page asking for a handle/name and offering me a selection of icons. There were some new ones since I last checked, mostly people icons. The one that drew my attention most was the yellow one, the little figure wearing a crown. I mean, I liked yellow and it fit my personality so, why not? I named myself Ōji, meaning prince, an obvious choice but whatever.

“I’m in,” I said, going back to the call for a second, then checking Mikado’s handle. His was Hisho (meaning secretary) and I could see from the test post he left that his icon was green with a tie. I found that adorable, considering he wasn’t exactly the stern businessman type, even now. I checked back to see how Anri was doing.

“Oh my gosh, you both are so quick! Hold on...oh what to choose. Fine, I’ll just go with this one! Okay, I’m in!” she exclaimed. 

“Awesome! Hey, if it isn’t too much of a bother, can we add Celty too? She just seemed so worried for me and this could be an easy way to put her at ease, I think,” I said.

“Of course!” Mikado said.

“I’ll just send her an invite! She might be busy now but, I’m sure she’ll join at some point.” I checked the chat, though nothing happened. “She said she’s out today but she’ll join later.”

“Okay, cool,” I said then, realizing how hard it’d be to stay on the call and use the chat at the same time, “I’m just going to hang up and catch you both on chat then. See ya there!” I’d miss hearing their voices but, I might feel less pressure there.

“Okay, bye, see you there!” Mikado said.

“Bye!” Anri chimed in and I hung up.

I went back to the chat. Anri was named Gādo (meaning guard) and had a pink avatar with a ponytail. It was so strange, I never thought I’d use a chat room like this again. Not to mention how calm it was. I was half expecting Izaya to just magically join the chat and break it with his daily bit of gossip.

**[Hisho: Test]**

**[Hisho: Oh my gosh, it works!]**

**[Gādo: Yay! This is so cool!]**

**[Ōji: You guys are such dorks.]**

**[Hisho: That’s so mean! Well, you’re a total jock!]**

**[Ōji: OMG! You take that back!]**

**[Hisho: He is though, isn’t he?]**

**[Gādo: He really is.]**

**[Ōji: I feel so betrayed!]**

**[Hisho: Haha, I’m sorry, it’s just the truth.]**

**[Hisho: Hmm, what to talk about now. This is so exciting my brain is all over the place!]**

**[Ōji: Haha yeah, it’s weird being here again with new avatars and everything.]**

**[Hisho: It is, though your avatar really suits you Ōji! Um, I’m sorry, I probably should have added “your highness” to the end of that.]**

**[Gādo: Lol.]**

**[Ōji: I rule this chat now and there’s nothing you can do about it!]**

**[Gādo: Oh no!]**

**[Hisho: We’re doomed.]**

**[Ōji: Totally! Your guys' avatars are cute though.]**

**[Gādo: Aw, thanks!]**

**[Hisho: I missed these people avatars, honestly.]**

**[Gādo: Yeah, me too.]**

I got pulled out of the conversation when my stomach rumbled. Great, I’ll have to walk all the way to the kitchen. I was starting to wonder if Izaya left the house just to get me to walk more. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a hidden camera somewhere.

**[Ōji: Damn, I’m kind of hungry.]**

**[Gādo: Oh!]**

**[Hisho: Did he leave anything for you?]**

**[Ōji: Yeah, but it’s all the way in the kitchen.]**

**[Ōji: I’m kind of too scared to test my luck with my leg.]**

**[Gādo: You can do it!]**

**[Hisho: Yeah, we believe in you man!]**

**[Ōji: I mean, if you guys think I should try…]**

**[Hisho: Do it, do it!]**

**[Gādo: Do it! Do it!]**

**[Gādo: If you want to, I mean!]**

**[Ōji: Aw Gādo. Okay, I’ll try.]**

I put my phone in my hoodie pocket and picked up my cane, which I had laid next to the couch. I psyched myself up then stood, leaning on it for support. I was shaky at first, having to find the right balance again, then, before I could lose it, scrambled to the kitchen. I hoped continuing to move forward would keep me upright. I practically tripped into the kitchen, leaning one of the cabinets to catch my breath. It was a nice kitchen decorated in silver, red, and grey with lots of steel counters and cabinets that didn’t exactly seem put to use. The fridge was on the same wall as the entrance and the microwave was hung up nearby. I checked my phone again.

**[Hisho: Oji are you alright?]**

**[Hisho: Oh I hope he’s alright.]**

**[Hisho: Maybe we shouldn’t have pushed him.]**

**[Ōji: I’m fine, just took me a while.]**

**[Ōji: I made it to the kitchen at least. I have no idea how I’m going to use the fridge and microwave.]**

**[Gādo: How does your leg feel?]**

**[Ōji: Weird. Like, it doesn’t hurt or anything it’s just...different.]**

**[Hisho: Well that’s good, I think.]**

**[Gādo: Will you be able to make the food after all then?]**

**[Ōji: We’ll have to wait and see!]**

I stared at the fridge for a moment in dread, then scooted along the cabinets to it, opening it the moment I got there. A few things were inside, like rice and some drinks, but the leftovers were clearly labeled. It was the soup he had made, placed in a bowl with ceramic wrap put over it and a sticky note on top. It read “For Masa”, I guess he couldn’t fit the full name, and how long to put it in for. I picked it up with my free hand, glancing over at the microwave. Here goes nothing. I unsteadily made my way to the microwave, placing the soup down for a moment to open it with my free hand. I nearly fell over, holding onto the microwave door for dear life before regaining my balance. “That was close,” I murmured to myself, picking up the soup. Should I risk putting it in one-handed? If I dropped it I might break one of his bowls and make a mess, which I doubted he’d appreciate, and I have stood on my own before, even if it was just for a second. I carefully leaned my cane against the counter, ensuring it wouldn’t fall, before grabbing the bowl with both hands, sticking the note where it used to be, and shoving it into the microwave. I say shove because, as I reached up to put it inside, I began falling backward and, panicked, then basically forced it inside before hitting the floor. Mission success, sort of? God, I really hoped my camera theory wasn’t right. My face turned red in embarrassment. I used my cane to force myself up then closed the door, putting in the correct time and hitting start. I gripped onto my cane in frustration. It took forever for me just to heat up food and I really wasn’t getting any better at using this thing. Would I really ever get the hang of it or would I still be stuck depending on everyone for another few months at least? Then I remembered, eyes widening for a second. Oh shit, I should probably check my phone to make sure they know I’m okay. 

**[Hisho: I hope he didn’t fall. If he did, do you think he can get back up?]**

**[Gādo: I’m not sure.]**

**[Ōji: I did. Right on my butt too.]**

**[Hisho: Oh no!]**

**[Gādo: Are you okay?]**

**[Ōji: Yep. I managed to start the microwave too.]**

**[Hisho: That’s awesome man!]**

**[Hisho: Oh that reminds me, what are we doing for lunch Gādo?]**

**[Gādo: Oh, I’m not sure. You know I’m open to almost everything.]**

**[Ōji: Wait, does that mean you’re staying over at her place?]**

**[Hisho: Yeah, for a little while. We thought my apartment might not be safe, so.]**

**[Ōji: Ooo, sounds fun ;)]**

**[Hisho: It’s not like that!]**

**[Gādo: It really isn’t!]**

**[Ōji: I was just messing with ya.]**

In reality, I had some serious jealousy for them. The microwave beeped, causing me to nearly leap out of my skin and I smiled, putting away my phone. Maybe some warm food would help me feel better. I did the same thing I did earlier, but leaned on the counter more for support, situating the bowl comfortably in my free hand before limping to the couch. “Hot, hot, hot!” I whined, not accounting for how the heat would build up on my hand, as I shuffled over there, putting it down immediately once I could reach the table. I sat down, all the tension melting out of my body. Here’s hoping Izaya doesn’t leave me alone like this again...and that he didn’t have any secret cameras so he didn’t see me fall on my butt. I put my phone down to the side, undoing the wrap on the bowl. “Thank you for the meal,” I said, though no one was there, beginning to eat while side-eyeing the chat.

**[Gādo: I have some rice, we could do something with that.]**

**[Hisho: Sounds good!]**

**[Gādo: I can cook it for us. I took a cooking lesson once, so I’m a bit better than I used to be.]**

**[Hisho: That must have been fun! I really should learn how to cook more.]**

**[Ōji: Same.]**

**[Ōji: Can I ask something a little serious?]**

**[Hisho: Of course!]**

**[Gādo: Go ahead.]**

**[Ōji: Concerning my situation, how is the progress on it so far?]**

**[Hisho: I hate to tell you this but not very well.]**

**[Hisho: It’s like the Blue Squares and Yellow Scarves have just disappeared.]**

**[Hisho: Anytime someone discovers a hideout and closes in they’re never there.]**

**[Gādo: They seem to know they’re being trailed. They’re being a lot more cautious than usual.]**

**[Ōji: I see.]**

Did Izaya have anything to do with it? It wouldn’t surprise me if he did. One and a half years of quietness was probably enough for him. I could just see it in his eyes, he couldn’t stand still. 

**[Hisho: I’m sure we’ll figure out something though!]**

**[Gādo: Yeah, don’t worry about it.]**

**[Ōji: I’ll try not to. I mean, it’s only been a few days.]**

**[Hisho: Yeah, so, things will turn around. They can’t hide forever.]**

**[Ōji: That’s true.]**

It was around this time that I caught a glimpse of Izaya’s computer and the worst idea popped into my head. It had to be the dumbest most dangerous idea I’ve ever had. Yet, after everything that happened a year ago, I couldn’t help but be desperate. 

**[Ōji: He just got back, so I think I’m going to log off for now.]**

**[Ōji: Have a good afternoon!]**

**[Gādo: Oh, I’ll just go prepare the rice then.]**

**[Gādo: It was fun talking to you, bye!]**

**[Hisho: Bye and thanks Gādo!]**

**[Ōji has left the chat]**

I looked over at Izaya’s chair. I’ve really lost my mind...screw it! I grabbed my cane, then practically skipped to his chair, crashing into it and rolling back dramatically. I pulled myself to his computer, shaking the mouse gently and waking it up. It needed a password, of course, it needed a password, Izaya wasn’t stupid, and I’m not a hacker. When was Izaya’s birthday again? No, it can’t be that simple. What the Hell would he use as a password? He barely cares about anything or anyone. I looked around his desk to see if he had written it somewhere. I checked all the drawers. They mostly had folders and binders. I paused when I found one in particular. “Holy shit.” It had my name on its little label. Now isn’t the time, then again, I couldn’t find a password anywhere and Izaya wasn’t the type to write it down. Fine. An anxiety rose in my chest as I opened it, thumbing through it. It had all the basic information, date of birth, family...it looked like there were some recent notes. Suspected depression, sex repulsion...my face turned red and I quickly flipped the page. There was information on Izumii, why did he have any interest in him? It seemed like he was trying to find him, but I couldn’t make much sense out of it.

I swore I heard a noise by the front door, so I hurriedly put the binder back, rushing to the couch and collapsing onto it. I waited, and waited. The front door never opened, I was just paranoid. I let out a sigh of relief. I took a moment to think. Why Izumii? Is it because i told him what he did to Saki? They were never truly close, so it couldn’t be for vengeance, did he just want to hang it over my head? But he was supportive that night...why, why, why? I gripped my head in frustration, then laid it down on my pillow. I wouldn’t be able to just puzzle my one out of this one, maybe he’d say something that would give me a clue or I’d somehow learn more. At the moment I was stressed out and exhausted. I found myself drifting away and dozing off. It was to be expected, I was still a little sick after all. 

I opened my eyes to see Izaya there, kneeling down next to me, a little too close for comfort.

"W-when did you come back?" I asked, cheeks flushing in surprise.

"Just now, but I didn't want to wake you. You were resting so soundly," he said, smiling a bit mischievously.

"Oh...thanks," I said, biting my lip and he reached up, touching it gently with his fingers. The touch felt electric. I shyly looked away. Come on, don’t let him toy with you.

"I'm glad I managed to come back. I missed you~" I laughed a little.

"Yeah right. Don't try to play with my feel-" I began but he stopped me, grabbing my chin, forcing me to turn to him, and suddenly pressing his lips to mine. At first, I couldn’t process it, I was completely baffled but, slowly...I sort of liked it. I relaxed and closed my eyes.

  
I jolted awake, placing my hands on my lips, face red. I didn't understand, I'd never had a dream like this before about a man, especially not about _him_. Does this mean I...no way! My brain must just be confused, he did something to screw me up. It’s just not possible, it makes no sense, it was just a fluke because of the things he had said earlier. He’d walk through that door any minute now and I’d feel nothing. I just had to sit and wait. Yet the hours passed and he never did. If he did come home that night, it was past ten and I was fast asleep by then.


	9. Pouring The Gasoline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Start of the Burning Ace arc. Masaomi is slowly coming to terms with his feelings, which Izaya is completely unaware of. Instead of giving him a chance to rest, Izaya insists on testing his leg further and going for a walk. Despite his protests, Masaomi might not have much choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My partner is the one that came up with this chapter's awesome name, so shout out to them ❤.

I cried that morning, I just couldn’t keep my pent up frustration in. I couldn’t make sense of my head, let alone the situation around me. Izaya had done something to make me feel this way, but I couldn’t tell what. It felt like even in my dreams he was messing with me. Yet, no matter what I did I couldn’t stop the change, my mind just wanted to bend and break without my consent. So I had sat there, face hidden in my pillow, which was propped up by my knees, crying. It was fortunate Izaya slept in today so he didn’t walk down and see me. By the time he did come down, eleven in the morning I think, I had calmed down and was sitting quietly watching TV. He yawned and stretched as he walked down the stairs, not looking very pleased about waking up. 

“Sorry...did I wake you up?” I asked softly and he stared at me for a moment, slightly baffled. He probably was surprised I was watching TV, I had been too afraid to turn it on previously, not wanting to annoy him.

“No, I can barely hear the TV even from here. Are you truly watching it or just staring at the pictures mindlessly?” he pondered, moving to sit down next to me, though I hadn’t exactly been referring to the TV. I tensed, he hadn’t ever sat on the same couch as me, always on the section across from me or the chair. I could practically feel his warmth. 

He took the remote and turned up the volume. 

“In other news, a huge and very brutal fight broke out in East Ikebukuro Central Park just last night. It is said four men were ganging up on-”

“Can we change the channel? I’ve never liked the news very much,” he asked after staring at the screen for a while with glassy eyes. His gaze sluggishly switched from the tv to me expectantly. I thought he loved hearing about all the drama that went down. There finally being a fight sounds like something he’d usually enjoy.

“Sure,” I said avoiding eye contact. He changed the channel to some cooking show, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and groaning. The chef was currently running through how to make tempura. There was a foreboding silence and I chewed on my lip. “How long were you gone last night? I fell asleep before then, so…”

“Oh, were you worried for me?” he joked, and honestly I had been, then, “I finished the job at midnight and came back at around one A.M. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being followed. I thought you knew, I hadn’t realized you were asleep,” he confessed and I looked towards him curiously.

“What do you mean?” He smirked widely.

“When I walked in you called my name. You weren’t very talkative, yet I just assumed you were half awake considering the time. Masaomi, do you mean to tell me that you were saying _my name_ in your _sleep_?” he asked, sounding highly amused. My face turned red and I hid it in my knees.

"H-how am I supposed to know? I was asleep. Maybe I was having a weird dream," I murmured. 

"You don't remember? I thought you had a bad dream. You seem quite grumpy this morning."

"I'm fine, just sleepy," I lied.

He looked unconvinced.

"Did something happen when I was gone?" he asked, eyes narrowing a little.

"No…"

“Are you lying to me? I can’t help but notice your eyes are red and puffy from crying, now what’s all that about? Did you miss my presence so much you just had to cry about it?” he pointed out teasingly. 

“Like I said, I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“You just contradicted yourself, _interesting_. You said you were fast asleep by the time I came home, yet now you barely slept at all. What’s so important for you to hide that you’re lying all willy nilly? Are you thinking about Saki again?” I wish he hadn’t brought up Saki, what would she think about all this?

“No! Yesterday was just a little scary is all,” I said, which wasn’t completely a lie.

“You’re scared to be left alone?”

“It’s not that, it’s just, with my leg and everything, even the simplest of tasks are so difficult. I can’t help but wonder if it’ll be like this until whenever my leg recovers…” I said quietly and he tilted his head at me.

“How unmotivated of you. It’ll never be easier if you don’t practice,” he said then, bouncing up, “I know, let’s go somewhere! It’s my day off and I’m terribly bored already.”

“Wait, hold on! I can barely put soup in a microwave without falling over, what makes you think I can walk _anywhere_?” I asked, panicked, and he smiled widely.

“You _fell_?” My cheeks flushed.

“Y-yeah, a little. But I’m fine, thanks for asking,” I said sarcastically.

“I didn’t, but you’re welcome. Well, the microwave isn’t very accessible to you and there are no chairs in the kitchen for you to rest on. I have a feeling you’re more capable than you think. At the very least we can find a park bench and you can get some fresh air. What do you say?” he said but I doubted it was up to me, truthfully.

“But it’s freezing and I don’t even have a winter coat.” His eyes gleamed in mischief and I wished I hadn’t said anything at all.

I grumbled as we walked away from the apartment. It was snowing lightly and luckily the sidewalk wasn’t icy. 

“I have no idea what you’re grumbling about. You look perfectly warm!” Izaya said, falling back since he was bouncing along happily in front of me earlier. He put my hood up and I nearly sneezed from the fur. Despite my protest, I had ended up wearing one of his many jackets. Not that I had any idea I would be. He had just smiled and said, “hold on a minute, I need to check on something” and, while I was distracted watching a dramatic commercial on the TV, snuck up behind me and wrapped me in it like a mummy. It was quite warm at least, but the fact his mint and jasmine scent was rubbing off on me didn’t sit with me well. I mean, what would people think? Izaya was wearing a different variation of a similar jacket so we didn’t perfectly match at least. It was a bomber jacket with fur. He also had a scarf and gloves. I never thought I’d see the day, but it did suit him. I had ear muffs and gloves, I was surprised he had ear muffs, I just couldn’t see it at all. I tossed the hood down.

“It’s just...I never thought I’d ever wear any of your jackets,” I said, but what I really meant is I had no idea he’d ever share his jackets with anyone. 

“I’m not overly protective of them but yes, it is unusual. No one would ever think to ask and I tend to not offer. If I hadn’t snuck up on you, you probably would have never worn it,” he said.

“Well...yeah.”

I walked carefully, my cane, which I had in my right hand, sometimes scrapping a bit on the pavement and I nearly tripped a couple of times. My muscles all felt on edge, as if they could spring into action at any moment and my other hand desperately kept grabbing for a hand rail that just wasn’t there. I wanted so badly to turn around and walk back so I could lay down, but I had gone too far now for that. I took a deep inhale in and exhaled out, my breath showing in the frosty air. Finally being outside was nice though, the longer I was out here the more suffocating the apartment sounded. I could almost pretend none of the things there even happened if it wasn’t for him. He watched me for a minute as I looked up at the sky, snowflakes falling on my nose and eyelids. “See? Don’t you feel so much better after taking in the fresh winter air?” he said, but to me, it sounded more like “aren’t I clever?”. It felt wrong to go along with him completely, especially since I had no idea what his motivation for this little walk was, so.

“My legs really hurt,” I complained and he gave me a look before going over to a bench and plopping down, patting the space next to him. I let out a breath of relief, slowly shuffling in that direction. I was sort of slumped over, wobbling back and forth as I tried to keep my balance. Izaya laughed at my constant struggle and I would have glared at him if I wasn’t so focused. After a while I finally sat down, letting myself relax. It was like my limbs had been frozen and they were finally melting. 

“Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it? You’re steadily making one new accomplishment at a time, and to think only a couple of minutes ago you were whining about barely being able to do anything,” he said, but every step of the way I was unsteady and dangerously close to falling, so it wasn’t really an accomplishment. Then again, I was like that around the house and that had been a much shorter distance.

I stared at him. It was so weird seeing him in the middle of the day, the light, grey due to the clouds, reflecting off his raven hair and coat. His eyes looked brighter out here, while, ironically, his silhouette looked so dark compared to everything else. It was like this city knew what he was, what he had done, yet here I am sitting with him and noticing this, yet finding it sort of eye-catching. “Masaomi? Masaomi! Masa, masa!” he kept calling, seemingly getting tired of saying my full name after a while or hoping the switch would catch my attention, then, when he got my attention, “Are you feeling faint or something?” I turned away and tugged on the hood of my jacket, blushing.

“Er, no, sorry, I sort of zoned out. You’re right though, this is good progress,” I decided to finally agree and he looked at me curiously. There was silence as he just examined me, yet, eventually, he seemed to let it go and smiled.

“If you say so~” He could assume it was whatever he wanted, I didn’t care, he’d never guess how I was feeling.

“Where are we going anyway?” I changed the subject. Izaya didn’t seem like the type to randomly wander down the street just to return back home. He could hardly sit down for a second inside his own home. He’d want to go _somewhere_ , even if it was just some random store or restaurant. 

“I only said we’re going for a walk yet you assume we’re going somewhere. Well, you’re right, it would be a waste of time otherwise. I was thinking we could get something to eat, if you’re feeling up to it. Namie’s still on vacation and I don’t feel like cooking,” he said, making a face when he mentioned cooking. I didn’t think he was half that bad at it, but it was probably boring for him. I would prefer to pretend I was sick or something and go back, the city was overwhelming and I wasn’t positive my leg could take much more pressure, but, at the same time, knowing how petty Izaya is, if I said no he might just go out by himself and leave me starving. He wore a smirk and had a certain sparkle in his eyes, so he probably realized what I was thinking.

“Sounds good,” I said with a nervous swallow. Fingers crossed he doesn’t try to get me to walk all over the city.

Izaya waited for a moment before standing up and I followed suit. The city felt like a whole different beast after being out of it for so long. Though it wasn’t even just that, it was quieter than usual. Izaya and Mikado were right, it was as if the color gangs had just vanished. I didn’t see anyone wearing blue or yellow scarves, in fact, the only gang I saw around was Chikage’s gang. Chikage...I hadn’t seen him since he visited me that day at the hospital, the dude loved to stay elusive honestly. I remember, I had been watching over Mikado, who had fallen asleep when he entered the room.

“Hey, Masaomi!” he had begun loudly until I shushed him. “Oh, sorry. Can we talk outside?” I had agreed, so he rolled me around the hospital in my wheelchair as we talked. “Shot in the leg, huh? Nasty stuff. How long do you think you’re going to be in this _thing_ for?”

“A while, probably,” I had answered vaguely, looking up at him carefully. I appreciated everything he had done for me but, he still scared me a little. 

“Damn, that sucks,” he said.

“Y-yeah...hey, Chikage, um, thanks for everything before. If it wasn’t for you, I might not have gotten to Mikado in time. It means a lot to me,” I told him and he smiled.

“It was no problem, though I can’t help but wonder, what do you plan to do now?” he asked a bit suddenly and I blinked.

“Is that why you came here? I have nothing against your men and neither does Mikado, so please just-”

“Relax, relax, I don’t have any beef with you or your bud either. You and Mikado settled the score yourselves. I was just thinking, if you’re staying in the whole gang scene, we’d make good partners. I scratch your back you scratch my back kind of deal, so I just wanted to know,” he explained. I balled my hands into fists. 

“I want to get out of it but I have a score I need to settle first,” I said in a strained voice.

“Well, tell me the details then! Who are you out for? The guy that messed with your buddy Mikado?”

“Yeah, something like that. I want to _kill_ Izaya Orihara.”

These words made Chikage stop in his steps. His eyes widened as he looked at me, I thought his opinion of me had probably changed for the worse, but then he laughed.

“A kid like you, kill someone? Please!” he said, hardly able to hold back the tears of laughter.

“I-I’m serious! I want to get back at him for everything he did to Mikado, to me, to Saki…” I said, gritting my teeth. At the time I also blamed him for Saki’s death, even though he had no involvement. 

“Okay, if you’re serious, how are you going to do it then?” he asked.

“What?”

“You know, how are you going to take him out? Are you going to try to find someone else to do it or are you going to do it yourself? What’s your weapon of choice? A gun would probably be the most effective but I’ve heard this Izaya is a pretty tricky fellow, you might have to get crafty about it,” he said and I paled. He was right, I didn’t want to admit it at the time but he was right. Kill someone, what the Hell was I thinking? Had I lost my mind? I didn’t have the guts for it, the idea made me want to puke, no, I couldn’t even imagine it. How could I yell at Mikado for using a gun when I planned to do the same? When I planned to do worse? No matter how powerful my anger was, I couldn’t. I’d become worse than Izaya, I’d hate myself. Without doing a single thing, he had won, he’d keep ruling over this city, manipulating everyone, and there was nothing I could do about it.

“You’re right...I’m sorry,” I whispered and he gave me a smile.

“Don’t worry, you didn’t offend me. Does this mean you’re going to be cleaning up your act then? Well, in that case, I guess this is goodbye for now,” he said, rolling me back to the room. He tipped his hat to me and spoke softly so as not to disturb Mikado, “If you need anything, you know where to find me.” He was gone before I could say another word. I think that’s the last time I truly felt any sense of rage. The more powerless I realized I was, the more my rage sunk into depression and I haven’t gotten that spark back since.

Now here I am, watching the man that tried to seriously screw up not only my life but my best friend’s life, and I‘m sort of glad to be here. I still have no idea why I feel this way. What would the past me think if he saw me now? He’d probably think I was absolutely insane. He’d hate me, want to beat the sense back into me, drag me back into that rageful mindset, and I couldn’t blame him. I half wanted him to come and do it. Maybe this is just what I get for going into the deep end too much. Fate was tired of my bullcrap. With how peaceful the city was, it was like one huge prank.

“I guess they really aren’t around,” I murmured mostly to myself but Izaya overheard.

“The Yellow Scarves and The Blue Squares you mean? They’re not as obvious as they used to be, recently they’ve all hidden away underground and it sounds like getting inside is quite difficult. They’ve turned from being a rough and tough street gang to exclusive clubs. It has me so curious! If only they weren’t all so tight-lipped,” he whined, so maybe he didn’t really know anything. 

“Yeah, it seems so quiet now...it’s a little unnerving,” I said, watching as people and cars passed by. Out of the corner of my eye, Izaya’s eyes seemed to light up at my words, but, before I could react, a van nearby slowed down, the window rolling down. I probably had just imagined it.

“Masaomi? Masaomi is that really you?” someone called out the window and I turned, startled. A girl with a brown bun wearing all black, a big puffy coat with a scarf, was yelling out the window. I hadn't recognized the van because they repainted it. Erika? Oh God, this must look so bad! I’m just fumbling around in one of Izaya’s jackets. If I don’t say anything she might not notice. I quickly pulled up my hood and looked away. Please just forget you saw me, please just forget. I could hear Izaya walking up to me and before I could ask him not to say anything, he pulled down my hood and waved at them.

“Hello Erika, what a pleasant surprise!” he said.

“Oh my gosh, Masaomi it really is you!” No offense to Erika, but she was the _last_ person I wanted to see right now. The car stopped and she got out, rushing over and hugging me. “I can’t believe you’re back! This is the best day ever!” she said, waving me around a little.

“It’s great to see you too Erika, um, could you stop, you’re making me a little sick,” I admitted and she immediately stopped.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so excited!” She beamed and I smiled back. Please don’t notice the coat.

“Well, well, well, the _badass normal_ returns to the streets of Ikebukuro!” Walker said as he came over. 

“I’m a what now?”

“No, no! _Hidden badass_ fits him much better, don’t you think?” Erika said.

“Hm, I guess, though everyone knows he’s a badass at this point, don’t they? Oh, actually, I think _sad clown_ fits him right now!” I looked to Izaya to see if he understood any of this but he just playfully mimed a clown honking their nose. 

“You guys have lost me,” I said and they laughed.

“Settle down you two, there’s no reason to overwhelm him,” Dotachin said, coming out of the now turned off car. He smiled at me. “So the rumors were true, you really are starting to walk.”

“Y-yeah, sort of,” I said, scratching the back of my head.

“Sort of? Well, you seem to be doing pretty well to me,” he said then, noticing Izaya, “Yo, it’s been a while.”

“It certainly has. How have you been?” Izaya asked. Wow, they know each other? I probably shouldn’t be too surprised.

“So-so. How about you? You’re looking pretty healthy considering things.” _Things_?

“It was no big deal, honestly,” he said dismissively.

“Well, if you say so.” Erika and Walker looked between me and Izaya with wide eyes.

“Wow, wow wow! What’s Masaomi doing with the _broken ace_!” Erika asked.

“No, he’s not the _broken ace_ he’s the _big bad_!” Walker argued.

“ _Broken ace!_ ”

“ _Big bad!_ ”

“Whatever, the point is…” she began and they finished together, “why are _you_ with _Izaya_?”

“Didn’t Mikado and Anri tell you?” It didn’t surprise me they didn’t, those two could be dead paranoid. They shook their heads.

“He’s staying with me for a short while,” Izaya interjected. 

Erika looked at Walker, then at us, then back at Walker, frustrated.

“Don’t you see what’s happening here?” she said, blushing with a starry look in her eyes, and Walker shrugged. “Matching jackets, Masaomi acting all nervous, him smelling like Izaya, and staying over at his place? Come on guys, it’s a total enemy to lovers' situation! I’m so happy for you guys, this is amazing!” My face turned beet red and any sentences I tried to form came out as nonsense. I knew it was coming and _still_.

“It’s no...I...er... **what**?” I spit out. I was mortified.

“Masaomi does seem less angry at Izaya than usual,” Walker observed. Meanwhile, Dotachin and Saburo, who sat nearby in the car, looked horrified. 

“That’s not what’s happening here! Don’t put them on the spot like that!” Saburo called from the car in annoyance. 

“Then why is Masaomi so embarrassed and unable to form words?” she pointed out.

“Because you’re completely wrong!” Dotachin said and Erika just gave him a playful grin.

"You fascinate me, Erika," Izaya said, not confirming or denying her words. 

"Oh, why is that?" she wondered. 

"You try to read other humans and always fail miserably," he said bitingly, but she just smiled. 

"You're not so great at it yourself, mister!" Does she have a death wish?

"Is that so?" he asked.

"Yep! You miss out on all the little details all the time!"

They glared at each other for a while before Dotachin stepped in.

"Not to cut this short, but we'd better get going. It was nice seeing you though, Masaomi, and I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep it up," he said, patting me on the shoulder.

"Thanks, you too," I said and he smiled before heading to the car.

"Come on you two." Walker basically had to drag Erika to the van.

"I almost forgot! Masaomi, Doll-san and Mika-boo, oh I mean Anri, Mikado, and I have something super fun planned! Anri is totally going to send you the details so look out for that! Bring your creepy crush if you want, bye!" Erika called and just like that, they drove off.

“B-bye?” I called but they were long gone by then. Did Anri and Mikado really keep up with them on a daily basis? My head hurt after talking to them for just a minute.

“Aw, you’ve bounced back from your stunned silence already?” he observed and I had, though my face was still red. I nodded, taking breaths to try to get it back to normal. “Does what Erika says really bother you that much? Her mind is corrupted with fiction to the point it has become her reality. She’s completely lost the plot,” he said with a laugh. Except she’s kind of _right_ and if _she’s_ right then maybe I too have _lost the plot_.

“Y-yeah of course it just shocked me,” I said, pulling my hood up and hiding beneath it.

“Ah, that’s right, I forgot, you’re sensitive and get easily flustered. Well let’s quickly move on then, the cafe is only a few blocks away.” I bit my lip and followed him down the street.

“I didn’t know you went to cafes,” I said.

“I do occasionally, I enjoy watching the people go on by. Besides, I assumed you’d prefer a cafe over the _other places_ I go,” he explained. He couldn’t be more ominous.

“Oh, yeah, probably.” When we arrived there, from the window it looked bright and nice, decorated in whites and tans. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, well, I wouldn’t put it past Izaya to take me to a maid cafe or something just to fluster me. I followed him inside and we were shortly seated in a booth. He took his jacket, scarf, and gloves off, scooting them to the side and I put my earmuffs around my neck and my gloves in the jacket’s pockets. I looked around. It had been forever since I’d been in a cafe, Saki loved them so much. I think she’d like this one, it was cozy and modern with a nice atmosphere. Calming jazz music played quietly in the background, drowned out slightly by the roar of talking and laughter. I was so nervous about leaving the apartment, but this place truly put me at ease. I just couldn’t help but smile. We were given our menus and Izaya started looking at his. “It’s nice here.” He looked up at me, seeming surprised for a moment, but smiled.

“I should have suspected you’d say that. After all, you _are_ the type that would love the light and energetic atmosphere of cafes. I imagine you used to come to places such as this all the time to hit on your passing classmates,” he said and my cheeks flushed.

“W-well...okay _yeah_ , but you didn’t have to call me out like that.” He chuckled. 

It was at around this point that we fell silent and I realized it was a miracle we ever had conversations at all. We had nothing in common. Come on Masaomi, just say _something_.

“What are you going to order, do you think?” he asked me.

“Probably just pancakes, I miss them. You?”

“You talk about them like they’re an old friend of yours. I’ll just have a sandwich like usual,” he said. You know, looking at him he was awful skinny. It was more obvious without his coat on, his long-sleeved black shirt tightly fitting. I wondered if he ate enough...what am I saying? The waiter came and we gave our orders. I was having chocolate chip pancakes with a soda and Izaya was having a sandwich with coffee. “You’re having a soda _with_ pancakes? My goodness, it’s a miracle your teeth haven’t become rotten and fallen out at this point,” he teased and I laughed nervously. Despite how childish he came off sometimes, he was certainly better at playing the role of an adult than I was. Mikado and Anri as well. Right now I bet Anri is making sure they both eat super healthy and I bet they’re reminding each other to drink eight glasses of water each day. Sometimes I forget they’re younger than me.

“I guess I just have a bit of a sweet tooth.”

“Your diet must be dreadful! Though you were never one to plan these things out, nor are you a cook,” he said, yet somehow I looked healthier. Okay, I did lose a few pounds due to the incident, but _still_.

“Haha, yeah it kind of is. Maybe I’ll learn how to one day though,” I said and he smirked.

“Thank goodness you are in my care then.” I was starting to get more comfortable with the fact we weren’t fighting.

Our food arrived and I took the coat off, not wanting to stain it, scooting it as far away from me as I could. I basically poked it into the corner, which Izaya watched with great amusement. I then carefully took one of the syrup packets they gave me and poured it on slowly. Izaya stared at my arrangement of food and soon looked away, putting his hand on his cheek as if it made his teeth hurt. He then had a drink of his coffee as if to swoosh the imaginary flavor out of his mouth and I cut up my pancakes. I had a bite and beamed. They were so fluffy and warm! He took a bite from his sandwich, watching as if he expected me to have a heart attack and die any minute now. “I’ll be fine, besides, I spent a year and a half with Mikado, who would barely let me touch any sweets, and I’ve spent days with you, so this is a treat,” I said. 

“What a relief,” he joked then, smiled as a thought came to him, “though how on Earth am I going to deal with you when you’re on a sugar high?”

“Oh, they’re never that long. One moment I’ll be bouncing around and singing and the next I’ll be passed out in a dead sleep. I’ve always been like that, that’s why I don’t have too much sugar _all_ the time.” He smiled in delight.

“I look forward to seeing that,” he said.

As we continued to eat, we both heard a loud sound in the distance. It was like something had been kicked or thrown, though we couldn’t see anything from here. Izaya got that glassy look in his eyes again as he stared out the window.

“Hey, are you okay?” I asked and he blinked, turning back to me.

“Yes, I was simply admiring the view,” he said. Damn, we both sucked at lying. What the Hell was all this about though? First whatever Dotachin was talking about, then his weight, now this look. Is this all new or did I just never notice? How did I never notice?

“Alright,” I said, deciding not to push him, finishing up my food before he did and sucking contently on my soft drink. I was always a fast, greedy eater. 

“You shouldn’t eat so fast, you’ll get the hiccups or a stomach ache, didn’t anyone teach you that?” he told me, taking his time. Not really, as long as I ate, my parents didn’t care.

“I’ll be fine, I do it all the time,” I said with a shrug and he grinned.

“Really, because anytime I give you food you take so long to eat it. Every time you just separate it piece by piece. How thoughtful of you to savor it so much,” he said and I looked away in embarrassment. 

“I-I’m just being careful…” I muttered. 

“So paranoid.”

Eventually, he finished his sandwich, paid, and we left. I staggered around fairly cheerfully, humming to myself but that was mostly the sugar talking. “You’re in a fairly good mood, and to think just this morning you were huddled up on the couch and crying,” he said and I paused.

“I was just tired of being cooped up, that’s all,” I half fibbed and continued.

“Naturally. Humans despise being trapped in anything. A career, a home, a hobby, they’re constantly switching things up and changing their routines. They can be so unpredictable sometimes!” he said happily and I smiled a little. 

“Yeah, you make a good point.” He gave me a strange look, then continued on. 

“Masaomi, can I ask you something?”

“You always ask that even though you’re probably just gonna ask anyway. Go ahead, though,” I said and he laughed.

“Yes, I would. Are you still afraid of me?” My eyes widened. How to say this without sounding stupid or giving him ideas…

“Er, not exactly? I mean, I’m not petrified of you or anything, but it’s not like I trust you not to send me down an elevator or put spices in my food,” I explained and he stared at me for a moment, expressionless. It felt like his eyes were digging into my soul.

“Interesting,” he finally concluded, lost in thought for a while before chirping up. 

“How long do you think your sugar high will last, Masa?” I stiffened in annoyance but let it go.

“An hour maybe,” I answered, giving him a slightly suspicious look.

“Wonderful! When we get back to the apartment we should play chess or something,” he said.

“Chess? I can’t focus on something like that! You just want to win,” I pouted.

“I’d win regardless if you had a sugar high or not.”

“H-hey! That’s not true! Fine, I’ll play it just to prove my point!” I declared, dramatically pointing at him. He burst out laughing.

“Good luck with that!” he said before skipping off and I fastened my pace as much as I could manage, which wasn’t very much at all.

“Slow down!” Unsurprisingly, he pretended not to hear me all the way to the apartment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, despite loving anime, I am not 100% on some of the terminology used and, upon looking it up, only got more confused. So instead I used character archetypes from TV Tropes https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Characters/DurararaMainCharacters. Hopefully, the vibes were still the same lol.


	10. Tower of Drenched Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year’s Eve is right around the corner and, as he recovers from his sugar coma, Masaomi receives an invitation to the celebrations by his friends. Unsure if he can handle it but wanting to make things up to them, he asks the only person there for advice: Izaya. He’ll happily answer his questions...so long as Masaomi answers his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made some edits so, if anyone is confused, Celty's chat name originally was Yin and was changed to Joō.

I took another bath yesterday night since I’d been out and about, then played a couple of rounds of chess and passed out. I lost all of them.

“Checkmate~!” Izaya had said, knocking over my king piece for the sixth time. 

“Ugh, I can’t wrap my head around this game,” I complained, ruffling my hair in frustration. 

“The problem is you’re too expressive! I can predict all your moves and your confidence in them just by looking at your face,” he said and it was around that time I felt my eyes begin to droop. I yawned, putting my arms on the table and resting my head on them.

“If you say so…” I had officially crashed. I woke up in the guest bed. It seems Izaya got tired of my insistence to sleep on the couch, I imagine he was distracting me with the chess games for that reason. I looked around in confusion at first, having no idea where I ended up, then sat up and rubbed at my eyes. Parts of yesterday left like a weird dream thanks to my sugar high. As I slowly woke up I remembered. Erika had said Anri wanted to tell me about something, maybe I should check the chat. When I logged in, there were already a few messages. There was a new user called Joō (meaning queen) and the icon had adorable cat ears. Must be Celty.

**[Joō: Thanks so much for inviting me to the chat!]**

**[Joō: I’m so sorry I couldn’t join earlier, I was caught up in things!]**

**[Joō: I’m glad that I have now though.]**

**[Gādo: No problem! I’m glad you were able to join.]**

**[Hisho: Yeah, we’re happy to have you!]**

**[Ōji has entered the chat]**

**[Hisho: Oh, here he is!]**

**[Gādo: Hi!]**

**[Ōji: Yo!]**

**[Joō: Oh good! I was hoping you’d come online today.]**

**[Joō: How are you feeling?]**

**[Hisho: We heard you went outside recently. That’s so awesome!]**

**[Ōji: Yeah, it was a real struggle, but I think I’m getting the hang of the whole cane thing.]**

**[Ōji: So I’m pretty happy!]**

**[Joō: That’s great! I’m so proud of you!]**

**[Joō: It’s such a huge step forward!]**

**[Ōji: Aw thanks, you’re making me blush.]**

**[Hisho: Finally getting some fresh air must have been nice. How far were you able to go?]**

**[Ōji: We went to a cafe so, decently far, I think.]**

**[Gādo: Oh wow!]**

**[Joō: I just thought you walked down the sidewalk a little!]**

**[Ōji: I mean, that’s what I wanted to do but my company pushed me further.]**

**[Ōji: I’m a little glad though, I wouldn’t have ever done it otherwise.]**

I tugged on my ear. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn’t really prepared to let them all know how things with Izaya and I were going. It felt like I had betrayed them, and they’d definitely be mad about it at least. I mean, I know Mikado doesn’t think Izaya put him over the edge but

**[Gādo: That reminds me! Ōji, me and Hisho had an idea, but we worry it might be a little too much for you right now.]**

**[Ōji: Oh yeah, I heard about that!]**

**[Ōji: Well, in super vague terms...what is it?**

**[Hisho: We thought we could go as a group to the new year festival tomorrow, but we understand all that walking could be really straining on your leg.]**

**[Gādo: You’re invited too, Yin! Only if you want to of course though.]**

**[Joō: I wish I could, that sounds fun! I’m afraid my partner has other plans.]**

I didn’t want to disappoint and I kind of owed it to them. They both had done so much for me since that night and I wanted Mikado to finally have a good year. How long had it been since we all celebrated something together?

**[Ōji: I’ll think about it. But don’t cancel just because of me, ‘kay?]**

**[Gādo: Okay!]**

**[Hisho: We hope you can come, in the end!]**

I let out a sigh and a small laugh. Mikado, when you say stuff like that you know I can’t resist. You hopeless dolt, you’re the one that shot my leg.

**[Gādo: No pressure though!]**

**[Ōji: I’ll see what I can do. Fingers crossed!]**

**[Joō: I would offer to let you use Shooter but I think that’d draw too much attention.]**

**[Ōji: Probably!!!]**

**[Gādo: It’d be so cute though. Shooter is so sweet!]**

**[Joō: I’ll tell him you said that.]**

**[Hisho: I hope he’s doing well! What do you and your partner plan to do for the new year?]**

**[Joō: I want to try to cook something for us, then we might watch a movie or play some games.]**

**[Gādo: That sounds like fun too!]**

**[Hisho: It’s probably the more relaxing way to spend the new year.]**

**[Ōji: You guys are such adults!]**

**[Joō: Aw well, there’s nothing wrong with going out and enjoying yourselves. I’m sure plenty of other adults are going as well.]**

**[Hisho: Yeah, besides, you’re older than us Ōji, shouldn’t you be interested in that sort of thing?]**

**[Ōji: Pfft, I’ll never be interested in that stuff! I’ll always be a kid at heart.]**

**[Hisho: You goofball!]**

**[Joō: Good, it just means you get to have all the fun.]**

Celty’s words made me smile, but I couldn’t help but start to overthink things. How much time do I have to do childish, silly things with Anri and Mikado before they lose interest? Right now Mikado was eighteen and Anri was seventeen, when they become nineteen like me, would it just be completely lost on them? Would they become more interested in spending time with each other, like Celty and Shinra? What would I do then? They both were so mature and it was probably because of everything they went through, I just didn’t know how to catch up. When Mikado lost it, I was sort of like a big brother to him. I stepped in and looked after him until he got out of the hospital, yet, after he was released, the tables were turned and they both wanted to look after me. Sometimes I just think of those afternoons spent in my wheelchair, listening to him snore away along with, occasionally, the wind from an open window, and question if I could have done something differently. Well, in the end, they managed to move on faster than me and nothing could really change that. 

**[Ōji: Exactly!]**

**[Ōji: You guys are just a bunch of squares!]**

**[Gādo: Oh no!]**

**[Hisho: Hey that's no fair!]**

**[Ōji: Is too!]**

**[Hisho: Is not!]**

I heard a soft knock on my door.

**[Ōji: Tots is, no takesy backsies!]**

**[Ōji: I gotta go now though so, talk to you later!]**

**[Ōji: I'll update you soon!]**

**[Gādo: Okay, bye!]**

**[Hisho: Bye and thanks again!]**

**[Joō: Have a good day!]**

**[Ōji has left the chat]**

"Yeah?" I said to the door and it opened. Izaya stepped in, leaning on it.

“Morning Masa~! How are you feeling? Do you have a stomach ache now?” he asked mockingly and my cheeks puffed up as I pouted. 

“No,” I said, but it wasn’t the truth. My stomach felt like a violent blender. 

“No? Should we go for another walk today, then?” he asked and my stomach rumbled in annoyance.

“Er…”

“I thought as much. Are you feeling well enough to head downstairs or are you just going to suffer in bed today?” he said with a smirk. I groaned.

“I might as well get up,” I said. I wanted to try to get better with my cane again to try and guarantee I could go. I looked around for my cane. “Hold on, where’s my cane?” I looked up at Izaya, who smiled widely and peered away, as if to fake innocence. “ _Izaya_ , where did you put it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said simply. I scowled at him a little, then looked around. It wasn’t anywhere in obvious sight...I stopped as I looked at the bottom of the bed. You’ve got to be kidding me, would he? Well, it was better than outside the room. I grabbed onto the bedpost, leading down and trying to feel under the bed. I ended up falling over onto my back, struggling like a crab to get up. He burst out laughing and I was blinded by the flash of a phone camera. 

“You did _not_ just take a picture of that!” I yelled, finally sitting up, humiliated. 

“Oh but I did,” he said in satisfaction and I sighed. I felt under the bed again and found it, brushing it off and lifting myself up. 

“It’s too early for your antics,” I said, rubbing my upset stomach.

“It’s noon,” he pointed out. 

“O-oh.” I walked out of the room, Izaya holding the door open for me before following behind. It was indeed noon, the sunlight shining into the main room brightly. It had been a long time since I saw it from this perspective. I stared at the stairs in dread, a dread that only built as he put his hands on my back. “No, no, no!” he gave me a push, one I only realized was small when I instinctively hobbled forward then stopped myself halfway down the stairs. I froze then, confirming I wasn’t doomed to fall, continued down the stairs.

“I can’t believe you fell for that,” Izaya said as he caught up with me. 

“You’re absolutely the type of person to push someone down the stairs,” I muttered, which he didn’t argue against, pulling a bottle out of his desk. I plopped down on the couch.

“Do you want some ibuprofen? Though your stomach will probably feel better after you’ve had some proper food.”

“Sure, thanks,” I said, taking the bottle from him.

“I’ll just get you a glass of water then,” he said, he was gentle all of the sudden. Did he just want to keep my mood up?

“Here you go,” he said, placing the water down and waiting. I took it and swallowed an ibuprofen pill, nearly choking from his intense gaze. What was his deal? I coughed a little.

“T-thank you?”

“Of course,” he said, sitting down, still looking at me. This just got straight-up weird, did I do something yesterday that annoyed him? I fiddled with my fingers shyly. 

“U-um…”

“You hate my attention, don’t you?” he said with a malicious grin. 

“What?” I frowned, baffled.

“Whenever I give you all my attention you become extremely skittish and quiet. It’s as if you believe I’m going to devour you whole and I find that fascinating,” he said in that smooth, but sinister voice of his. 

“I-it’s just a little intense is all…” I said softly and he leaned forward as if to listen more closely.

“Hm? How so?”

“Well, I don’t know how to describe it but,” I said, trailing off and looking away. 

He stood and approached me. I backed up until I couldn’t, my back hitting the cushions of the couch. He sat down next to me, scooting closer and closer until I could practically feel his breath on my face. I must have looked like I had a fever because I was shaking, breath caught in my throat. “Y-y-you’re too…” I swallowed, “...close.”

“Now, what is this reaction? A mix of embarrassment and fear? What on Earth is there to be embarrassed about, or do you just dislike being seen so closely?” he said and I recoiled into my hoodie. I just didn’t want anyone to see _it_ , my shame, my feelings, I wanted to bury them down forever, I wanted them to be a ghost I remembered fondly, but never touched until they disappeared. “You’re hiding something.” My eyes widened. “Humans are so silly. They think, by hiding their physical bodies, they can somehow hide the truth, but that physical reaction is so telling, isn’t it?”

“M-maybe...whatever!” I said in frustration.

“Oh, so angry! What are you hiding? Something personal, I imagine, a fear or worry you find embarrassing. Are you worried about moving on from Saki? Maybe you’re afraid Mikado might lose it again, those are two very plausible possibilities,” he said.

“I-I’m worried about both those things,” I said.

“Yet you admitted it so easily, so that can’t be it.” He scratched the back of his head in annoyance. “I don’t see what else you’d be so worried about.”

“Hey, Izaya…”

“Yes?” he responded.

“I know you won’t listen, but I’m going to ask anyway. I know you like poking at things but please...leave this alone,” I said faintly.

“If you know I won’t listen, why did you ask?”

“Just thought it was worth a shot I guess…”

“You really are desperate! Either you’re overexaggerating or this secret is truly _explosive_!” he said, excitedly jumping up from the couch. I curled up into a ball, hiding my face in my knees. “Don’t look so down, I’m not the judgemental type, it isn’t like it’ll change my opinion of you in any way.” I peeked out at him as he began to walk away.

“Somehow I don’t believe you,” I said mostly to myself, but these words made him circle back around.

“The plot thickens! Every way you try to deflect just makes me more interested.”

“You won’t like it though, wouldn’t you prefer just not to know?” I said.

“There aren’t any secrets I’d prefer not to know. I try to collect as many secrets as I can and file them away for later use. I've heard many, some shallow and others absolutely twisted. Everyone has secrets, what makes yours so special that it deserves my contempt?” he asked, leaning down to look at me in the eyes. I couldn’t look away, I was trapped.

“I-I know it’s stupid, but that’s just the way I feel.”

“You humans and your feelings! Always so irrational, yet, even when you know that to be the case, you can’t stop feeling them,” he said and I flinched back, his words hitting too close to home right now. He smiled widely. "That has always been a problem with you, hasn't it? When you start feeling something, you can't shake it. Instead, you let it consume you completely. That's why you're so convinced your secret is something to be feared."

“I know it’s something to be feared, by me at least,” I uttered.

“Oh if only you’d just tell me! But that’s fine, it’s more fun this way,” he decided, going over to his desk.

“Can we change the subject?”

“I don’t think I can convince you to tell me, so go ahead,” he said as he typed on his computer.

“How far do you think I can walk?” I asked and he peered at me.

“What a strange question, why, do you want to go somewhere?”

“Sort of. Anri and Mikado want me to go with them to the New Year festival, but that’s a lot of walking, so,” I said, ducking my head a little.

“Couldn’t you just take breaks or stay in one area with someone? Surely they’d be understanding of this,” he suggested.

“Yeah but that’d be no fun. I don’t want to hold them back, if that’s the case I’d rather just not go.”

“How selfless of you. I wouldn’t mind staying with you and didn’t that Erika try to invite me?” he offered.

“Really?” I thought he’d find that boring.

“Yes, I don’t mind not participating, I’m more of an observer. Besides, I probably should be there considering. Crowds are a perfect place to hide and I wouldn’t put it past the Blue Squares or Yellow Scarves to try and take advantage of that.” That was the _best_ idea, but did Anri and Mikado know about this? Would he try to mess with them again? Maybe I should just warn them.

“Let me just check back in with them,” I said and he smiled.

“Alright.”

**[Hisho: I don’t do well with spicy foods, to be honest lol.]**

**[Yin: My partner is the same sometimes! He’ll cry if he eats them.]**

**[Ōji has entered the chat]**

**[Hisho: He’s back!]**

**[Joō: Sooner than I expected!]**

**[Gādo: Welcome back!]**

**[Ōji: Aw thanks!]**

**[Ōji: So I thought about it...]**

**[Hisho: And?]**

**[Gādo: And?]**

**[Hisho: Haha jinx!]**

**[Ōji: I think I could manage, though I’d need breaks. Would that be too much of a bother?]**

**[Hisho: Of course not! We just really want you there. We miss you.]**

**[Gādo: Yeah, we really do!]**

If I was being honest, I could just cry from joy.

**[Ōji: Guys that’s so sweet! You’re gonna make me tear up a little.]**

**[Hisho: Aw, no!]**

**[Gādo: Don’t cry!]**

**[Joō: It’s good it makes you so happy!]**

**[Ōji: There’s kind of a catch though and I don’t think you’ll like it.]**

**[Ōji: I’m sorry!]**

**[Hisho: What’s up? Whatever it is I’m sure it’ll be fine.]**

**[Gādo: Yeah.]**

**[Ōji: Well, you know my situation? It might be dangerous in such a crowded area so...that creepy dude kind of wants to come along.]**

**[Joō: Really? While that’s a bummer, he does make a good point.]**

**[Joō: I’d be worried if you went by yourselves. I just wish it didn’t have to be** **_him_ ** **.]**

**[Hisho: Oh well, I don’t mind.]**

**[Ōji: For real?]**

**[Gādo: Are you sure? Not even after everything?]**

**[Hisho: Of course.]**

**[Hisho: I’m not like how I used to be, he can’t get to me.]**

**[Hisho: So don’t worry about it Ōji, I just want you to be safe and happy.]**

Whenever he talked like that, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened. I mean I know what happened, but specifically, what inside him snapped? He had always been affectionate and giving, but it hit so differently now. Rather than expecting little acts of kindness, it felt like he had a whole plan mapped out in his back pocket.

**[Joō: That’s rather mature of you.]**

**[Ōji: If you’re sure. What about you though, Gādo?]**

**[Gādo: I’ll...manage.]**

**[Gādo: I was warned this might happen and besides, as long as you can come, anything is fine.]**

**[Ōji: Are you guys 100% sure? Like really really really sure?]**

**[Hisho: I am!]**

**[Gādo: Me too!]**

I smiled a little. “So, what did they say?” a voice asked from behind me and I nearly dropped my phone. Izaya was looking over my shoulder. Crap, did he realize we have a new chat room? 

“T-they said they were fine with it,” I said.

“How predictable. Why do you sound so disappointed then? Were you hoping to get rid of me?” he asked playfully.

“N-no!” I was a little. “It just surprised me.” 

“Oh, why? They’re your friends that really want to see you. Are you so insecure that this simple concept goes right over your head?” he said a bit mockingly.

“I mean, I know they want to see me, it’s just...they have a lot of baggage with you.”

“You thought they’d choose their hatred for me over their affection for you? Interesting, yes very interesting indeed,” he said, nodding. My cheeks flushed slightly and I hid behind my bangs. I felt so exposed today, you think I’d have gotten used to this by now. “You offer your friends undying loyalty yet don’t expect the same from them. It’s textbook insecurity really. You must be thinking, ‘they deserve the world but I deserve nothing. I could never be as good as them’. Am I right?” he asked.

“I’m not _that_ pessimistic about myself,” I said, raising my eyebrow at him. 

“Really now? Tell me Masaomi, what do you want to do in life?” he asked, catching me off guard.

“T-that’s easy I…” I looked around frantically as I tried to think of something. He waited patiently, disappearing in the kitchen for a moment then reappearing with a tea kettle and cup, pouring the hot tea in slowly. “Well, I’m not sure yet.”

“You _aren’t_ sure?” he asked, feigning surprise, then, “What do your friends want to do?”

“Anri wants to be a nurse and I don’t know about Mikado. He probably just wants to finish school with all As and work on his mental health…”

“I see. All valuable goals, and what was yours again?” he asked, then laughed, “Right, you don’t have one.”

I slammed my hand down on the table.

“Why does that matter! Is it really so strange for someone my age not to know what they want to do?” I asked. My eyes widened as I realized what I just did. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout.”

“It didn’t bother me, though there is no reason to get so angry. It isn’t strange for someone your age to not know what they want to do in life, but they usually have other goals or interests. Hobbies, desires involving school or mental health, activities or a few fields they want to explore. Yet you don’t, instead, you force yourself to sit and wait for your friends to reach their own goals so you can applaud them. Now, that isn’t very fair to you, is it?” he said.

“I think it’s fair,” I said a little darkly and he tilted his head at me, grinning.

“How so?”

“Izaya, if you had this one thing you were really good at and sucked at everything else, what would you do with it?” I asked.

“I’d use it for myself of course, but that’s not how you would answer. No, you’d use it purely for your friends. Are we discussing you then?” he wondered. 

“Yeah. If all I can do is help them, Anri and Mikado, I might as well. I’m fine with that if it makes them happy.”

“See? You didn’t even think to mention yourself. How does it make _you_ feel? Don’t you feel left out or jealous watching Anri and Mikado?” he asked, smirking in enjoyment. I fell silent. “Your silence says it all. You’re unhappy, yet do nothing to fix this dissatisfaction due to your own self-hatred-” I stood up quickly.

“I deserve it! I can’t do _anything_ ! Even when Anri and Mikado needed me the most I couldn’t do anything, when Saki was in danger, I just stood there, and that’s the _one thing_ I’m supposed to be good at. If it wasn’t for Celty, Mikado would be dead right now! The same goes for Saki with Dotachin and them. If I can’t even help them what _can_ I do? I’ve never been good at anything else, I’m such a _waste_ ,” I found myself exploding. He gently put the tea down for me.

“What else have you tried then?” he asked and I looked up in surprise. 

“W-what do you mean?”

“You confidently proclaim you’re not good at anything, but what have you even tried? What you really mean to say is ‘I see myself as a failure and worry if I tried anything I’d only be proven right’. In reality, if you truly did put forth some effort, I’m certain you’d discover that isn’t the case at all,” he assured me.

“How are you so sure of that?” I asked, clenching my fists. He walked to the window, staring out at it and watching the small figures walk along.

“Human beings defy imagination! There’s no limit to what they can do if they put their minds to it. You are no different and if you were, you’d be a truly unique human indeed,” he concluded in satisfaction. “I wonder who put the idea in your head or if you invented it all by yourself.”

“Didn’t you say Saki’s first incident was my fault?” I asked in a strained voice.

“I did, it’s your fault for not saving her when you knew she was in danger, but one mistake doesn’t invalidate everything else you do. You live and you learn, isn’t that the saying? Besides, that happened years ago, I don’t see how it’s relevant now.” I finally sat back down, staring at my feet.

“Maybe you’re right…” He laughed at that.

“I know I am,” he said.

Who gave me that idea, huh? I could still remember the creaking of our old house and the sound of cicadas floating in the Summer air. 

“Dad, Dad, look, look! I caught a beetle! It’s a really big one!” Is something I said to my father often but he rarely ever looked up from his desk, repeating the words on his papers as if I wasn’t there. “Mom, I made a drawing for you, do you like it?” She would sigh in frustration and keep stirring the pot. “Well, okay, you look busy right now, I’ll just put it on the fridge for you to look at later!” I _always_ put it on the fridge and neither of them touched it. I got the same reaction every time and they’d never mention it later. I tried a lot of things, but they were never interested, so, I just gave them all up. I assumed they weren’t good enough to deserve any attention. The only time anyone took interest back then was when…

“Wow, that’s such a big beetle! Guys, look!” a young voice had said and a bunch of little kids gathered around the cage. I was sitting on a rock, dejected, the cage sat nearby. I had been surprised at first but smiled confidently.

“I caught it myself!” I told them.

“Really?” one asked.

“Can we have it? Pretty please? It’s so cool!” another chimed in. I laughed.

“Sure! Take good care of it,” I said, handing them the cage. They rushed off, giggling and smiling the whole way. After that, I just started sort of helping people out wherever I could. I guess I never got out of the habit. Wait, wasn’t there one more person that took interest? It was later in my life but still...

I looked at Izaya for a moment then shook the thought out of my head.

“But, what am I supposed to do? I dropped out of high school and there’s no way I could afford college, let alone get accepted…” I said.

“Not all careers require a college degree and you could always be a freelancer,” he pointed out. “You don’t have to worry about careers right now anyway, just test things out and have fun with it. It can be your resolution for the new year.”

“I-I can at least do that...I think,” I said, running my finger along the rim of the teacup, the liquid inside shaking lightly. “Thanks.” He chuckled.

“You’re welcome.” There was a tense silence for a moment and I started hiccuping. He looked back over at me, watching in amusement. “You’re panicking even after we’ve come to an agreement? Take a sip of tea and relax awhile.” He walked over, patting me on my shoulders and I blushed a little, looking away.

“O-okay.” I drank some of the tea as told, the warmth comforting me a little, my shoulders slumping down. His hands didn’t move.

“You make no sense. You were so shy when I approached you before, but now that I’ve approached you from behind, you’re just fine,” he said.

“I am?” He smiled and looked at me in disbelief.

“What do you mean by such a ludicrous question? You seem fine to me, you’re smiling after all.” I blinked, startled.

“It’s probably less intimidating when you approach me from behind...when I know you are, I mean,” I said, adding in the last bit quickly and he pouted.

“Aw,” he said in disappointment.

“Are you worried about tomorrow?”

“A bit, yeah. I mean, it’s such a big step up from a walk,” I said. Not to mention _he_ would be there. “I just have a bad feeling about it.”

“Don’t be! I’m positive things will go according to plan,” he said in his lurid voice, the words tickling my ears, but I didn’t feel afraid. Why wasn’t I afraid? Shouldn’t I be worried for Anri and Mikado? Yet, when he says those things, holding onto my shoulders as if guiding me, I can’t help but feel protected. I’m safe when he’s watching over me. Watching over me, getting more ammo to use against me, but I don’t care if I’m being manipulated, as long as it _feels_ nice. I get so attached to the sugar I keep consuming, until I get a belly ache. I constantly have burns and he always has the ice to soothe it, too much ice for one person to handle. The wound was better but my whole body was frozen. Did I really learn my lesson? “When you start feeling something, you can't shake it,” is right. When all was said and done, I think I was afraid, no, I was petrified, because these strange feelings might just lead me and everyone I love back down the drain. The person I used to be, enraged and swearing he would never make the same mistake again, was starting to become out of reach, my hands only grasping onto their fingers now. But, in a stupidly emotional way, I wanted to just...release.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're officially in the double digits, woot! Thank you SO much to everyone who has stuck around for this long ❤.


	11. Lighting The Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s New Year’s Eve and Masaomi finally gets to see Anri and Mikado in person again, well, with Izaya close behind. They have no idea about his feelings and he fears their reaction to it. Will he be able to keep his secret, or will he succumb to the pressure?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took forever to get to. Happy belated 2021!

It was so loud, louder than it ever had been before. Laughter and chatter filled my ears no matter which way I turned. The square was a sea of lights and people, the waves constantly moving and engulfing the empty space. I had _never_ experienced social anxiety in my life, _ever_ . I always loved crowds and adored the energy of festivals, so I hadn’t really worried about it bothering me. But that was when I was young and springy, easily cutting through the people and keeping up with the set pace. Now, with my leg the way it was, it’d be extremely easy for me to get swallowed up. What if I went too slow to the point that _even_ Izaya lost sight of me? The thought made me shiver and, waiting for them to arrive, all I could do was think. I sat on a bench looking into the main plaza area. Anri and Mikado had assured me they’d find me this way, wanting to make sure I rested my leg. Izaya stood next to me, observing the crowd with a wide smile and bright eyes. Yeah, this was definitely his scene. He must live for events like this were so many people gather and chaos ensues. Though he probably prefers going to them by himself. I just imagine he walks through and listens to all the voices, all the stories, getting a kick out of each and every one. In one corner, there’s a mother searching for a bathroom to change her baby, in another there’s a group of teens doing something stupid, and somewhere in the middle, an argument between strangers or acquaintances has probably broken out. He’d hear them all and just laugh to himself, but the only way he’d participate in the festival is by buying a drink or something. 

I blew on my gloved hands absentmindedly. I was wrapped up like a mummy. Getting dressed for the frigid weather was possibly more frenzied than the event itself.

“Can’t I just wear what I wore last time?” I asked as he opened his coat closet, sorting through the options. 

“It’s nighttime so it will be much colder. Ah, this should work!” he said, picking out a puffy winter coat. 

“It’s so big though!”

“That’s the point Masa~. It’s _warm_ ,” he said, physically making me hold my arms out so he could put it on. 

“Should I take my hoodie off or…”

“No, you _need_ layers,” he said, putting it on me. I was also wearing sweats but I had decided on that earlier. Once it was on I hesitantly zipped it up and moved around a little. Well, it wasn’t as restrictive or heavy as I had thought. “You should also wear a scarf and hat. You’ve already had a chest cold, a head cold would be a nightmare.” He stuck a hat on me down too far so I couldn’t see, I folded the rim up so I could, and ran around me to put the scarf on. “Now just put on gloves and I’ve made myself a wonderful snowman!” I put the gloves on, making a face.

“Do I _look_ like a snowman?” I asked slightly self consciously.

“Big and round with a vacant expression? Absolutely,” he said as he put on his things. He wore a long button-up jacket with fur, a scarf, and gloves.

“How come you aren’t as layered?”

“I’m more adjusted to the cold and I’m in perfect health, unlike you,” he said. He moved some things to his coat pockets then beamed.

“Let’s go~!” 

He was in a pretty good mood, he hummed and skipped the whole way here. I wished I could share in his enthusiasm. 

“Masaomi? Is that you?” a familiar shy female voice asked and I looked over to see Anri and Mikado standing nearby. Anri was in a blue winter coat wearing adorable earmuffs and gloves with snowflakes on them. Meanwhile, Mikado was in a green winter coat with a white scarf and gloves.

“Mikado, Anri?” I asked and, hearing my voice, they rushed over. I stood as I was pulled into a group hug.

"I can't believe it's really you! I've missed you so much!" Mikado said and I reached over and ruffled his hair. After a long while, we pulled away.

"Masaomi, are you _crying_?" Anri asked and I wiped at my eyes.

"No! I'm just so happy to see you guys again. I didn't think I'd be able to come and…" I trailed off, more tears running down my face. She gently rubbed my arm and he laughed.

"You're such a sap," he joked. We had a good laugh together before addressing the elephant in the room.

We turned to the slender figure. "Hey Izaya, how ya been?" Mikado asked casually, causing me to stare at him. Him being so calm around people like Izaya is something I'd never get used to.

"Just fine. I see you’re much better now, though that scar is a shame," he said, smirking and tilting his head. He had a few scars where he was stabbed and one on his left temple where he shot himself.

"I think it builds character, but I have cream for them and hopefully they'll slowly start to fade."

"Oh, I see. Masaomi will have a scar on his leg soon from when you shot him, I'm certain of it. You'll be matching, how adorable," he mused and Mikado clasped his hands together in recollection.

"I just remembered! About your leg, Masaomi, feel free to ask us to slow down or take a break anytime! I wouldn't want you to be in any pain or discomfort!" he said, grabbing onto my free hand. I was relieved he was acting normal again.

"Yeah, we don't mind at all!" she agreed.

"Thanks, I'll be okay though. I'm a trooper!" I said with a playful grin. They both grinned, nodding in agreement. 

"I think trooper might be an under exaggeration," he said, letting go of my hand and patting my shoulder. I blushed bashfully. 

"We're both super proud of you for all your progress," she assured me. Izaya clapped a little.

"Aw, you guys are making me blush," I said. Anri giggled then took out her phone. I noticed her phone charm, which was similar to mine. A brown-reddish bunny was drinking from a pink coffee mug.

"I'm just going to check on Erika. She should be here soon,” she explained.

She sent a few texts and, after a moment, a van drove up nearby. Erika and Walker got out. Walker was wrapped in a puffy pale blue jacket while Erika was in a slim black jacket wearing a scarf and winter hat. They waved as the two rushed over to us.

“We’re just going to be at Russia Sushi, so call us if you need a ride or anything, especially considering Masaomi’s leg!” Dotachin called, waving his phone in emphasis. He had a phone charm too, a black boar drinking from a dark cyan mug.

“I won’t be drinking!” Saburo added.

“Thanks so much, have a good new year!” Mikado said back.

“Yeah, thanks,” I agreed.

“You too!” They both shouted, Dotachin giving us a thumbs up. We all waved as they drove off. Erika sighed.

“Silly boys, never wanting to participate in anything. Oh well,” she said with a shrug, Walker not seeming to take any offense. She gave Anri and Mikado a little hug, which they returned, before practically leaping on me. “Oh my gosh, Masaomi you look like a little marshmallow!” She gave me a tight squeeze and I struggled to breathe. 

“Would you look at that, a fellow connoisseur of the puffy look!” Walker said, smiling playfully.

“Oh don’t squeeze too tight, Erika,” Anri said, concerned.

“Masaomi hardly wanted to wear that outfit, it was my idea,” Izaya said and they both jumped back, releasing me from the prison that was Erika’s arms.

“Masaomi’s creepy crush really did come!” she exclaimed.

"Masaomi's what?" Anri exclaimed in shock.

"This sounded too chaotic and exciting for me to miss," Izaya said.

"Wait hold on Erika, what did you just call Izaya?" Anri asked again.

"Oh, you didn't know? Masaomi totally has the hots for Izaya!" Erika exclaimed. Anri’s and Mikado's faces turned red.

"What" they shouted.

"I really don't!" I quickly corrected.

"Then why is your face all flushed!" she asked with a cat-like grin.

"Because it's such an embarrassing thing to say!"

"Your dear friend Erika is under the delusion that Masaomi and I are having some secret gay affair. I suggest you hand her over to a psychiatrist," Izaya said in annoyance.

"But you didn't even _correct_ me when I called you Masaomi's creepy crush!" Erika said.

"Why argue with you when you won't listen? It'd be a waste of my time," he said. Anri and Mikado laughed in relief.

"Oh, so it's just one of Erika's things, okay," Anri said and Erika pouted.

"Yes, let's switch to talking about a more plausible relationship. You and Mikado," Izaya said, pointing to them. Anri blinked in alarm.

"Oh yeah, they're totally adorable together! Doll-san's the motherly type while Mika-boo is cute but the secret _chessmaster_! They match each other perfectly in the cuteness department then balance each other out with their different sense of justice!” Erika rambled passionately. Mikado smiled timidly.

“I have no idea what you mean,” he admitted.

“I see Anri as more of a _hive queen_ type but, your analysis was spot on as always,” Walker said and Erika gasped.

“You’re so right! They’re definitely an evil king and queen pair who will rule the city one day!” she exclaimed.

“I wouldn’t do that!” Anri said.

“I should hope not. Saika claiming the human race? As if I’d let that ever happen,” Izaya said in disgust. She glared at him slightly, then decided to let it go. 

“Well, if you did we’d still like you anyway, so don’t worry about it.” Erika slid over to Mikado, putting her hands on his shoulders. “You’d still love her too, wouldn’t you? I bet you’d like her even more as a sexy evil mistress, yes you would.” Mikado’s face looked as if it was burning off and Izaya watched in extreme amusement.

“I-I...huh?” he asked, struggling and trying to get away from her as she rubbed his shoulders.

“You’re totally the type to have a secret torture or bondage fetish, aren’t you, Mika-boo?”

“Please stop…” he said, looking around with shifty eyes. Anri looked like she wanted to scold Erika but she was speechless. 

“Hey Erika, maybe you shouldn’t-” I began but stopped as she looked at me with that devilish look. “Nevermind.” Walker went over and pried her off Mikado.

“Relax, Erika, you’re making our friends uncomfortable. Besides, Masaomi over there is completely vanilla, you can’t say those types of things in front of him,” he said and she turned to me, bowing her head.

“Oh my gosh you’re right, I’m so sorry!” she said. That’s what she’s sorry about? I’ll never get her.

“N-no problem?” I said, just glad she didn’t pick on me.

“Sorry about her, she gets overly excited. Anyways, changing the subject, what do you guys have planned?” Walker asked Mikado and Anri, who were slowly recovering. 

“We just wanted to walk around the fair for a while. We can play some games and get food as we go, then find somewhere nice to watch the fireworks,” Anri said.

“Sounds like a good plan!” Erika beamed, returning to normalcy. I held back a sigh of relief.

“Let’s go then!” Walker said, him and Erika linking arms and leading the throng, swaying back and forth as if they were dancing. Mikado and Anri fell back with me and Izaya followed a comfortable distance behind. The whole square was lit up and decorated in oranges and red, paper lanterns hung to the sides and lighting every path.

“Sorry about Erika, she doesn’t mean any harm really!” Anri assured us and I laughed.

“It’s okay, it just shocked me is all,” Mikado said, putting his hand on his heart in distress. 

“I’m fine with it as long as she doesn’t target me,” I teased and he punched my shoulder gently.

“You’re so selfish!” he said playfully and she laughed.

“I probably am too then, after all I was too shocked to say anything.”

“I can’t blame you, I wouldn’t be able to form the words!” he said in her defense. 

“At least you tried to say something Masaomi, well, until Erika gave you _that_ look,” she said giggling.

“What? As if you wouldn’t back down in that circumstance, you guys are way shyer than I am,” I said.

“Am not!” they said at the same time, then, “jinx!”

“I think you should give Anri some credit though, I mean, she hangs out with Erika all the time and she seems to handle it just fine,” Mikado said and Anri blushed. 

“We’re pretty close so I'm just used to it.”

I beamed. When I was around them, I completely forgot about the crowd, about the million worries in my head, about my _secret._ Talking like this, I forgot what Mikado had done and his weird tendencies that had always frightened me, deep down, and maybe that was the problem with me. I easily forget. 

“It’s really nice, having us all together like this. I’m sorry I didn’t call you guys much before,” I said and they both offered me kind smiles. 

“It’s fine, we understand you have your own things going on,” he assured me.

“Yeah, the last couple of days have been busy for everyone,” she agreed. It’s sort of beautiful that the city, in these instances, can almost just freeze for a while. We remained silent for a moment, though it was a good sort of silence, each of us just resting in the presence of the others. Realizing how much I wished I could cling onto this forever, my previous idea came back to me. Was our time, our days like this, limited? Did they feel like they were drifting away without me realizing? More importantly, if they realized what I felt, would they want to distance themselves from me? If I tried to mend things while the city was bright and calm, I wondered if I could somehow sew its stillness and eternity into my relationship with the two of them. 

“Hey guys, can I ask something?” I finally spoke up and they turned to me.

“What is it?” he asked. 

“Our friendship isn’t like...on the rocks, is it? Gosh, I don’t mean to be a bummer, I’ve just been thinking about it for a while. I know we all went through so much and if there is an issue I want to fix it when I can, you know?” I said. Anri seemed surprised but Mikado just _smiled_.

“You’ve done something Masaomi, haven’t you?” he asked and my blood went cold. We all stopped.

“What makes you think that?” Anri asked carefully.

“Well, Masaomi has always been super loyal. If he feels he has to fix something, it probably means he feels like he betrayed us in some way,” he explained to her then, to me, “Not that it matters. I doubt whatever you did would upset us that much and, even if it did, we’d forgive you.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “You’re my best friend Masaomi and you’ve been there for me through thick and thin. So, to repay you for your leg and thank you for everything, I promise I’ll do the same. You could destroy the whole city and I’d still forgive you, I hope you know that.” I rubbed my eyes, taking in a shaky breath.

“Wow, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that, thanks so much,” I said and he hugged me a little before we continued to walk.

“He’s right. I’d like to think everything we’ve gone through just made our friendship stronger. It might be optimistic, but I'm determined to keep us friends no matter what so,” she said shyly, kicking at the ground a little. 

“Me too!” he chimed in happily and I smiled.

“You three should totally make cool friendship bracelets!” Walker said, him and Erika slowing their pace to walk beside us. 

“Yeah, that’d be sweet! I have a set you guys can borrow if you want,” she agreed. 

“Only if it wouldn’t be too much of a bother,” Anri said and Erika waved dismissively.

“Of course it’s not a bother! You can borrow anything Doll-san! My manga, my jewelry, and especially my cosplays!” Walker stopped as he spotted a game.

“Oh, darts!” he said, stopping in front of it then, dramatically pointing to Izaya, “Mr. Orihara, I challenge you to a duel!”

“Me? A duel?” Izaya asked, stepping up to join the group.

“Yep! I want to see which one of us can get the best score, and, since you have the best aim here, I’m challenging you!” Izaya laughed.

“Well, if you insist. Why don’t you go first,” he said, motioning to the game and Walker nodded.

“Excuse me, mister! I want to pay for two games.”

He handed over the money to the man in the booth then took his turn. He had better aim than I realized, landing pretty close to the bullseye each time. His confidence was overflowing. “Ha, beat that!” he said and Izaya smirked, going over and examining the darts.

“Sure thing.” He frowned, concentrating, eyes sharpening. He practiced with the first dart for a while, as if weighing it, before letting go. It was a bullseye. They were _all_ bullseyes. He never stood a chance, but I think we all knew that. Walker stared at the dartboard and gaped while Erika and Mikado clapped.

“Congratulations, you win a prize!” the old man attending the stall said.

“I don’t want anything, one of you can just choose something,” Izaya said with a shrug. Erika giggled.

“Oh forget us! Masaomi, what do you want?” she asked and I blinked.

“What?” I asked, baffled.

“Izzy just won a game for you! So, go on.”

“Don’t call me that…” Izaya muttered. 

“We _are_ making you walk everywhere, so go ahead,” Mikado said generously and Anri and Walker nodded along.

“O-okay...well, it’s kind of hard for me to carry stuff so, I guess I’ll just take that superhero mask,” I said, pointing at it. It was a robotic, green looking thing. The man got it down and handed it to me.

“Here you go, have fun!” he said. We thanked him then went off. 

At first, I wore it fully, saying typical superhero catchphrases in a fake deep voice like, “green man to the rescue!”, “do you need a hero, young miss?” (To Anri and Erika), “good always wins!” and so on, which kept making Mikado and Anri chuckle and snort, but the visibility wasn’t that great, so I eventually just wore it on my head.

“You’re an expert prize winner, if you don’t mind me saying, Mr. Orihara! With your skill, we could get loads of stuff!” Walker said.

“That would simply be a pain. It’s funny, you humans love collecting new things, yet, when an event such as this comes around you’re never prepared,” Izaya mused.

“I have my backpack and that can fit at least twenty of those little bean-shaped stuffed animals!” Erika said.

“You mean those ones with the big sparkly eyes?” Mikado asked and she nodded cheerfully.

“Now what on Earth would you do with _that_ many of them?” Izaya asked.

“I’d create an adorable little army! I’d set them up somewhere near a window or door so they’d just stare at anyone approaching, like,” she said then made a goofy intense stare, holding her eyes wide open with her hands. I laughed.

“So that’s how you mark your territory? Gotcha. If I see an army of bean plushies anywhere, I’ll be sure to stay away,” I chimed in playfully. 

“No, no, no! Please do come in, you’re on our super-secret, special guest list!” she responded playfully. 

“Aw, I’d be glad to attend if the other guests are all that small and adorable.” 

“Considering Doll-san and Mika-boo would be on the list, they definitely are,” she said. They all laughed except Izaya, who simply smiled. 

“Where are we going, by the way?” Mikado asked.

“Oh, don’t know, I was just following you,” Erika said.

“Oh.” He blushed in embarrassment. 

“I mean, we might as well just wander around until one of us sees something interesting, right?” I said. 

“Yeah, that’s the whole fun of carnivals!” Walker said.

“Look, look! It’s one of those strength thingies! Come on everyone, bet you can’t beat me!” Erika said, rushing off in that direction and we followed her. I lagged behind, my leg cramping up a little, but Izaya stayed with me. He found a nearby bench, sitting down and patting the space next to him. I went over and sat down, my leg immediately feeling relief. We watched as Erika tried to lift that big hammer, it wasn’t like I could participate anyway without falling over. Izaya sneered as he watched her struggling.

“Oh my, she’s going to break her back if she tries to lift it like that,” he said before looking at me. “You’ve walked quite far, how does your leg feel? Has it been aching this whole time and you simply could no longer hide it?”

“Actually, if I’m being honest, I sort of forgot about it. Only just now has it started to ache,” I admitted. 

“Yes well, that makes sense considering it’s mostly in your head,” he said then smiled widely. “And to think you were so worried about coming tonight. You made it sound as if you couldn’t walk five steps without suffering but, in reality, you’re having no issues at all. You really do over-exaggerate every tiny fear inside your head.” I laughed a bit at myself.

“Yeah well, it’s been a while since I’ve been to a festival.” Talking to him casually like this in the middle of a crowded plaza, having him so close to Mikado and Anri without any huge drama or tension, it was all so peculiar. This night was peculiar. In fact, he’d been so quiet, though he did say he was merely here as an observer. For once he didn’t lie about his intentions. 

“Why are you staring at me like that? You did it Tuesday as well when we went out, I wonder what it means,” he said, almost seeming to accept I wouldn’t answer.

“I’m just curious, sorry…”

He was about to ask for clarification when Mikado walked over.

“Hey, how are you feeling Masaomi?” he asked, sitting down next to me.

“I’m alright, don’t worry. My leg was just getting a little achy, so. If I rest for a while I’ll be fine,” I said and he smiled. 

“Good. Hey, Izaya, can I ask you something?” he said out of the blue, catching both of us by surprise. He laughed, leaning over slightly, hands in his lap, so he could more clearly look at Mikado.

“You have me intrigued now. Go ahead.”

“What does Masaomi feel so guilty about?” he questioned, his voice changing to that horrible tone again. 

“Here I was thinking your sharpness had dulled out! So you’ve noticed? I’m afraid I don’t know. Masaomi has a big secret apparently that’s eating him up inside and he won’t tell me what it is,” Izaya said. 

“Oh, so that’s the problem.” He turned back to me. “If it’ll make you feel better, you can tell me. Like I said earlier, whatever it is, it won’t make me hate you. We can start off the new year with a better understanding of each other,” he said, crossing his fingers. It was scary, I really wanted to honestly.

“W-well…” He indicated for me to scoot closer to him.

“Go ahead, I’m listening,” he said. I scooted close to him and Izaya tried to as well indistinctly. I poked his cheek and Mikado laughed. “Izaya!” He sighed, pouting and scooting to the opposite end, resting his chin on his hand moodily as he looked away. 

Mikado, who was shorter than me by two inches at least, rested his head on my shoulder, looking up at me expectantly. 

“Oh gosh, I don’t even know if I can say it,” I said quietly. 

“I won’t judge, remember? Promise,” he said, offering me his hand to hold onto and I took it. 

“I-it’s just...I kind of have feelings for someone,” I whispered.

“You’ve moved on from Saki then? That’s good at least. Oh, sorry, I mean that in the sense I want you to be happy. I don’t see why you need to feel guilty about that,” he said softly. “Who is it then?”

“That’s the problem…”

“Are they someone really bad or are they already in a relationship?” he asked.

“They’re kind of, um,” I said, peering over at Izaya. Mikado looked over at him as well, not seeming to think much of it, then it suddenly clicked with him and he dramatically looked between me and him. He sat up, eyes widening.

“What! For real!” he exclaimed in shock, causing Izaya to look over, smirking in interest. 

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, everything is fine, it just shocked me is all,” he said with a forced smile, composing himself, before turning back to me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak out, what brought this on then, or was it just sudden?”

“It felt really sudden, but I don’t know. I don’t understand it at all, I feel like I’m going insane,” I whispered, gripping onto my hair in frustration. 

“You’re not insane, but yeah, that sounds really confusing and, since Izaya loves all humans equally, he can’t return your feelings, so it’s pretty inconvenient. I’m really sorry,” he said quietly, finally starting to sound normal by the end of his sentence, patting my head with his free hand.

“You’re taking this really well,” I said, eyebrows furrowing. “You’re not just putting on a brave face for me, are you?”

“The initial shock was pretty intense, but no, I’m not putting on a brave face. I suspected something was going on between you two for a while now and your opinion of him was obviously changing. I am worried for you, though. I mean, being around him when you feel like that must be uncomfortable,” he explained, squeezing my hand a little. I nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I’m scared of how he’d react and, either way, if he knew he’d probably use it against me. All I can really do is just wait for it to go away.” He smiled at me kindly.

“Well, if you ever need an excuse to be busy or something, you can always call me. I hope talking about it at least helped you feel a little better,” he said and I nodded, tears forming in my eyes. A heavy burden crumbled off my shoulders and I couldn’t help but be so grateful.

“I really thought you’d hate me so I...I…” I said, scrubbing at my eyes.

“Masaomi!” Anri called when she realized I was crying, rushing over. “What’s wrong?” “No, please, don’t look at me when I’m like this” is what I wanted to say, but I was too choked up to speak.

“Aw, we’re sorry! We didn’t mean to leave you over here!” Erika said as she walked over as well, Walker close behind. Mikado looked at me for permission and I shook my head.

“We were just talking about things and he got a little emotional is all,” Mikado assured them. I tried to hide my face, holding my arms in front of it and peering out of the crack between them. 

“What were you talking about that got him all worked up? Was it his super mysterious backstory?” Walker asked. Mikado smiled, winking at them.

“It’s a secret!” he said playfully and Erika giggled.

“Oh you!” she said. I struggled to stop crying, I was embarrassed they had all seen that.

“You’re overwhelming him, haven’t you noticed?” Izaya told them and all three of them took a step back.

“Sorry!” Anri immediately said, giving Izaya and me confused glances.

“I-it’s okay,” I told her in a muffled voice. “I mean, I’m not sad, I’m really happy, I promise.” They all seemed unsure. Mikado looked around, seeming to be thinking.

“Oh, I know what will cheer him up! There’s a fortune-telling machine over there, we should all get our fortune told!” Mikado said, pointing to the machine. He pulled me up, dragging me in that direction before I could protest. “Come on!” 

“Yes, I love these things!” Erika said. The attention was off me as we all walked over and it felt like they forgot about the whole incident, so my tears steadily dried up. 

It was one of those creepy fortune-telling machines with an uncanny mannequin inside. He just stared blankly ahead of him, his eyes looking old, as if they could fall off. I really hoped they didn’t. “Why don’t you go first Masaomi? Here,” he said, giving me a coin. I gave the mannequin a dubious look before sticking it in. The crystal ball lit up and his face moved a little, perfect nightmare fuel, before the machine spat out a paper fortune. I unwrinkled it, then read it silently to myself. It read: “The love of your life is right behind you!” That sounded oddly menacing for a romantic fortune.

“Ooo!” Erika said in interest from my left shoulder, making me wince a little. Yet, when I turned to my right to see Izaya there I nearly swallowed my own tongue. 

“So either you’re madly in love with me or obsessed with Erika. Basically, you’re screwed,” he said with a snicker. 

“What! It can’t be me!” she said and Izaya looked at her, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

“Oh, is that how it is? You pair everyone together yet become so skittish when someone does it to you,” he mocked.

“Masaomi is so not my type! I mean, I’m pansexual so I like everyone, but for me, the sensitive act only works on girls,” she explained and Mikado paused for a moment, then looked at me in shock. So he finally realized I wasn’t straight like he had thought? Bless him.

“Whatever you say,” Izaya said simply. 

“Mm-hmm, I’m going next then!” she said, putting a coin in and grabbing hers. “Mine says I’ll have a lucky streak! I should totally play a bunch of carnival games and see if it’s true! Yes, my plush army is nearly in my arms!” she made a cartoonishly evil laugh, then, “Doll-san, Doll-san, give it a try!”

“Okay...mine says I’m going to eat delicious pie,” Anri said, laughing a little.

“Mine says I’m going to get a new hat!” Mikado chimed in.

“And mine says I’m going to meet a mysterious stranger! I hope they’re a hot anime girl!” Walker said, dancing around a little. 

“Izzy, Izzy!” Erika called over to him, despite the fact he was only a few inches away. He massaged his temples.

“What is it now? Also seriously, don’t call me that.”

“Aren’t you going to get a fortune too?” she asked, grinning.

“Why should I? They’re just nonspecific phrases that make people feel good about themselves, even though they aren’t true,” he said and Mikado laughed.

“Wow, you must be fun at parties,” he said as a jab and Izaya chuckled in disbelief at this insult. Erika sighed dramatically.

“Fine, I’ll pay for it,” she said, putting a coin in then showing him the fortune once it came out. 

“Let’s see; You’ll find love in the most unlikely of places. What nonsense,” he said, throwing it in the nearby trash, which was already filled with fortunes. “Erika, did you rig this machine?” She laughed evilly again.

“I don’t know what you mean!” she said.

“You’re acting beyond suspicious though,” I kidded. Izaya examined the machine, as if trying to see if it looked tampered with. His eyes fell over to the reflections and stopped on them. He was horrified by what he saw.

“Izaya?” I asked gently, walking closer to see that glassy look in his eyes. I was about to touch his shoulder but Erika stopped me, shaking her head.

“Izaya! Izaya! It’s me, Erika!” she said until he blinked, looking over at her a bit lethargically. “Hey, we lost you there for a moment. You okay?” He took a moment.

“Yes, I was distracted by something,” he said without clarifying. 

“Are you sure?” I asked and he was confused by this, but smiled. 

“Of course, you worry too much.” I watched him still, uncertain. Erika beamed at both of us.

“I have a great idea! We should split into groups!” she said.

“What?” Mikado and Anri asked in alarm. 

“If we all stick together we won’t have enough time to do everything we want, so we should split up into groups of two! Mika-boo, you’ll go with Doll-san, obviously. I’ll go with Yumacchi, and Izzy will go with Masaomi!”

“Huh?” I cried in distress.

“How disappointing. You don’t want to go with _me_ , Erika?” Izaya teased and she smirked at him.

“Nope! Today is your day with Masaomi! Anyway, we should find a food stall or something to meet up at!” she said, checking her phone. Her phone charm was a dark brown horse drinking from a black mug. 

“The one over there has seating,” Walker suggested, pointing out a food booth that was further back from the others, plastic tables set up for the visitors.

“Perfect! It’s ten twenty now, so we should be back here by ten forty or eleven at the most. Let’s go guys!” she said.

“W-wait, should we really leave Masaomi with...woah!” Mikado said as Erika pushed him away.

“Go, go!” 

“But Erika!” Anri said, yet she persisted. She and Mikado gave me an apologetic look before heading off together. 

“Have fun, but not too much fun,” Erika said, waving to us then heading off in another direction with Walker. 

I watched them go anxiously. 

“It looks like your friends have abandoned you, what are you going to do now?” he asked, giving me a calculated look.

“I-I don’t know,” I said. That fear I felt beforehand hit me again.

“Didn’t we _just_ talk about having your own autonomy? Try something that looks interesting! Live a little, Masa~.” Of course that nickname would come creeping back the moment they felt. 

“So, your comment was just a test then?” I asked him, narrowing my eyes a little.

“Yes and you failed miserably, but that’s alright.” I followed him as he walked aimlessly around the carnival, looking from one game and another until he saw one he thought might appeal to me. “There’s a skee ball game, why don’t you try it?” I looked at it, stopping but too hesitant to move to it. He laughed. “You’re too insecure to even play one little carnival game? Well, you were only watching your friends earlier, so that makes sense,” he said, going to it and waving me over. “Come on then, it won’t bite.” I better go to him before he spontaneously decides to just abandon me to prove a point. I shuffled to him, biting my lip.

“I guess trying it once won’t hurt,” I muttered.

“Exactly! Here you go.” He put some money in the machine and the balls came out. I picked one up, messing with it anxiously. So, I just had to throw it not too hard but not too soft, that should be easy, right? I swung my arm back, then forward, letting go of it. It landed right in the lowest hole. Izaya burst out chuckling.

“Were you aiming for that?” he asked me with a huge smirk.

“Y-yeah! I was just warming up!” I tried again and again but I could only get as high as the forty hole. “Damn, I suck.”

“So harsh. I’d say you were just average. Oh well, at least you tried it,” he said.

We continued to walk around, looking at all the booths. 

“All of them are so precision-based,” I complained and he raised his eyebrow.

“You’re such a sore loser. The point of carnival games isn’t to win, it’s to enjoy yourself,” he said.

“That’s easy for _you_ to say. You’re great at this sort of thing,” I pointed out and he laughed. 

“That’s true, but you won’t get any better if you keep avoiding them like the plague. Do you think the boogie monster is hiding under the booths or something?” 

“It’s not like that..” I muttered. We stopped as we spotted a goldfish game just across the way. A few kids were doing it, but the smallest couldn’t catch one no matter what she did. She dropped her net and started crying, her parents trying to console her. “Aw,” Izaya said, though he didn’t sound very sympathetic. I furrowed my eyebrows then, after a moment of considering, walked over. “Here we go…” He paid the man in front and I was handed a net.

“Thanks,” I told both of them with a small smile, then stared into the little pool. I just had to catch one, come on Masaomi! I waited and waited, then struck! I looked into my net but, there was nothing there.

“I really do suck…”

“I’m beginning to think your secret is that you have horrible depth perception,” Izaya said, both of us staring at the empty net.

“You can have mine if you want,” a male, muffled voice said from behind me. I turned around to see what I assumed to be a teenager, though I couldn’t fully tell because he was wearing one of those superhero masks and had his hood up. He held his fish, which was in a plastic bag, out to me. 

“Really? That’s so nice, it wasn’t for me though,” I said, motioning to the little kid, who was still bawling her eyes out. He kneeled down in front of her. 

“Don’t cry. Here, take my fish, I don’t need it anyway,” he told her. Her eyes lit up and she took it, giving him a toothy grin.

“Thanks so much mister!” she said and her parents gave him their thanks as well before moving on. Izaya scoffed.

“All that effort and you don’t even _try_ to get any of the credit,” he said with a sigh and I gave him a lightly scolding look before smiling at the kind stranger.

“You really lived up to your mask, you probably made that little girl’s night. Thanks for that man,” I said and he slung his arm over my shoulder, bringing me close.

“No problem, _Masaomi_ ,” he said in a familiar sly but young voice. 

“A-Aoba?” 

“Don’t be so loud now, if your buddy Izaya over there hears any of this, well, let’s just say not only will one girl have cried tonight,” he said and my eyes widened.

“What did you do?” I asked, my body starting to tremble. 

“Nothing you need to worry about right now. Here’s the deal, if you just let us go about our business, your friends and you will remain safe...mostly. I mean, we aren’t above kicking them around a little if they cause us too much trouble,” he said and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“You bastard,” I said, forcing myself not to yell. 

“Do we have a deal then?”

“If I don’t meddle in whatever you’re doing, you’ll let them go, right?” I asked, gritting my teeth.

“Of course.”

“When?” I asked.

“As soon as the clock hits twelve, no sooner or later.” I’d probably regret this my whole life, but, if I didn’t want the Hell would he do to them? It was too risky not to and I couldn’t just let them get hurt.

“Fine, deal,” I said.

“That’s a surprisingly smart choice for you. Oh, and by the way, I feel like I should apologize in advance for what I’m about to do next,” he said and my heart stopped.

“W-why?”

“You see, I really don’t want you messing things up and everyone knows you’re a horrible liar. There’s also the chance Izaya would just figure it out on his own anyway, so I think I’ll just put him out of commission for a while. Don’t worry, we’re not going to kill him or anything, just _hurt_ him a _little_ ,” he said and I pulled away, grabbing onto Izaya’s arm urgently. Aoba waved casually, as if we had just had a normal conversation, and disappeared into the crowd. He tried to push me off, though kept an amused smile.

“What’s wrong, Masa? Did he try to hit on you or something?” he bantered happily. He had no idea.

“Izaya, we need to get out of he-”

“Izaya?” With just that word, the calm version of the city I once stood in melted to the ground.

We both turned to see a familiar figure standing there. Scraggly blonde hair, sunglasses, a strong build, a bartender outfit...no way, this was Aoba’s move? He was standing with another man and a female, but I didn’t have the time to process them.

“Shizuo,” Izaya said, hardly above a whisper, before I could say anything. I turned to him, expecting to see a look of rage or hatred on his face, he’d run away any moment now or start a fight, I had thought, but I was wrong, so terribly wrong. The only emotion I saw on his face was _fear_ and his legs shook so much he couldn’t move. “Y-you-” he said, trying to grab for his knife, his fingers moving restlessly but his body was stuck still. Shizuo held his hands up.

“I’m not here to fight, you have my word, so calm down,” he said slowly, not daring to move from where he stood. 

“I have to...run…but I...” He collapsed and I was dragged down with him, though he still managed to sit up. It only happened in a second and the pavement scraped my pants roughly. I grabbed onto my bad leg, which was now rather irritated. Shizuo was about to go to us, but the male next to him stopped him.

“Not a good idea, let the kid deal with it. He might calm down after you leave,” his friend said and, despite his hesitance, he and the others walked off. I focused back on Izaya, he was in a complete panic. His pupils were constricted and his hands were on his head. He looked like he wanted to scream but was incapable, his breathing extremely rapid as he let out pained groans. 

“I-Izaya, it’s me, Masaomi. He’s gone now, it’s okay,” I assured him, unable to let go of his arm now because he had latched onto me as well. He was mumbling something and only now did it become distinct. 

“ _I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die_ …”

“You won’t, I promise! I’m just going to call Dotachin so, hang in there,” I said, rushing to get my phone, nearly dropping it due to my trembling hands. I went to my contacts, hitting his number. He answered pretty quickly.

“Hello? Masaomi? What’s u...wait, your breathing is super rapid. Did something happen? Are you hurt?” Dotachin asked, sounding extremely concerned.

“I-Izaya, he...I need you to come quick!”


	12. The Inescapable Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of the Burning Ace arc. Masaomi's mind is divided between the suffering Izaya and his missing friends. He has no idea what to do and no one is there to guide him. He feels utterly alone. As he wonders around the messed up festival, will he be able to figure out Aoba's scheme before it's too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of

The whole world might as well have been on fire as we sat there in the plaza, waiting. The people around us blurred, their figures becoming flickers in the night. Here, on our little patch of pavement, the world was on pause. People just walked by without giving us a second glance. We were in an impenetrable, invisible bubble. 

“Izaya, Izaya please, it’s me, Masaomi,” I urged him, shaking his arm. He became still, his eyes remaining wide, pupils shaking. “ _ You’re safe _ , I promise.” 

“I…who?” he said, looking confused. 

“Masaomi!” I said, louder in case he couldn’t hear me otherwise. “ _ You’re safe _ here, trust me, please,” I said, gripping onto his arm more.

“Masaomi?” he asked, feeling around and I guided his hand, unsure where, at first, then to the mask and one of my ear cuffs, since those were the most recognizable features on me right now. “Masaomi.”

“Yes, that’s right. You collapsed but you’re okay.  _ We’re safe _ , everything is okay,” I told him, trying to hide the panic in my voice. 

“But you…”

“But I?” I asked gently.

“You want to...k-kill...me,” he said then let out a pained laugh, “I’ve known...your secret...all along. Surprise.” I paled.

“What are you talking about? I’d never kill you!” I shouted.

“But you want to...even if it scares you. It’s okay...I don’t hate you for it,” he said, his hand, which had been resting on my head, moving down to stroke my cheek. Tears filled my eyes.

“I don’t! I mean, I said I wanted to, a long time ago but, I didn’t mean it!” I explained, my body shivering.

“It’s...okay…this is your opportunity...you know,” he pointed out.

“Don’t say that! That’s not my secret!” I said but he smiled and hardly seemed to listen, his eyes still swimming with images of the past. He slowly retracted his hand and reached into his pocket. “What the Hell are you doing!” He took out his pocket knife and, after searching for and finding my hand, put it in my palm.

“Take...it.”

“Izaya stop,” I said, doing my best not to break into a sob.

“Go ahead. You can get your...revenge...if only just a little. It’s  _ easy _ . Just...switch it open and aim somewhere,” he said and I finally burst. 

“Stop it!” I screeched, sobbing. He flinched back in shock and I pulled him into a hug, my head flung over his shoulder and my tears falling down on his coat. “I want to be mad at you, I want to hate you and hold grudges, things would be a lot easier that way. But I can’t. I try so hard and I…” I said, the words fading away as my sobbing worsened. He slowly though very lightly wrapped his arms around me. He chuckled weakly.

“So...overdramatic...I just had to...make sure,” he said tiredly. His chest felt so warm and his touch was so soft. I blushed, not wanting to let go.

“Your secret,” he began and I could see his eyes sliding in my direction out of the corner of my eye, “what is it…?”

“You’re just asking? You’re not gonna keep like, you know, try to figure it out?” I asked, surprised.

“Are you going to just answer?” he replied, then, “you’ve stumped me...annoyingly. I don’t know what else it could be. _ I want to know _ .”

“M-maybe I should. I don’t want you to think I want to  _ kill  _ you. It’s the exact opposite actually...it’s stupid,” I said, looking away despite the fact he wasn’t really looking at me, heart racing. 

“The opposite?” he murmured, tilting his head. He smirked a little. “You...want to be friends, then? That’s a lame secret.”

“No, I mean, sort of. It’s more than that!” I said.

“Best friends?” he joked.

“No!” I said in frustration and he laughed.

“I don’t get it,” he admitted. I put my hand on my chest nervously.

“I-I don’t know if I can outright say it. You’ll be mad or something,” I said.

“You just make me so...much more curious...when you say that. It’s almost cruel. I won’t.  _ I want to know, _ ” he assured me. 

I bit my lip.

“You’ll find it boring,” I said and he laughed.

“It can’t be as boring...as wanting to be my friend. Go on,” he encouraged me once more.

“You know all that stuff Erika says? About you being my creepy crush and stuff,” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes...what does that have to do with anything?” he said, his eyes dancing around a little less and he was becoming more confident in talking.

“U-um, well she…” I paused, the terror taking me over and my whole being trembled in fear of the words I was about to say, to confess to him of all people, “...she’s right.” I pulled away, looking down in shame. “I don’t know how, or why, but I don’t think I can keep them a secret from you forever, even if I don’t intend to act on them. I guess, in a weird way, I’d rather tell you instead of you figuring it out or hearing from Mikado without me knowing. In short...what I’m saying is I have feelings for you. I’m sorry!” There was silence. That seemingly unbreakable bubble popped and we were forced violently back into reality. If we had stayed, maybe things would have been alright. In a fairytale world, a prince falling for the villain mastermind isn’t all that strange, but in real life, it just makes you insane. 

I took a sharp breath in to see his reaction. He was just staring at me like a fish, then he cracked up.

“Okay, okay, I get it, you want to keep the secret to yourself. It was a good joke, though it’s a relief Erika isn’t here to hear. I understand, you’ve always been sensitive about these things,” he said and I grabbed onto his arm.

“I’m not lying! Don’t laugh! If even  _ you  _ don’t find it believable, then I really  _ have  _ lost my mind,” I said, sniffling, more tears falling down my face. His eyes shined and he grinned widely as he took this in.

“Seriously?” he asked, but mostly to himself. He thought it over and nodded in satisfaction at his conclusion. “You definitely have lost your mind! But that’s alright, don’t worry about that now,” he said dismissively. I blinked in shock. 

“What do you mean ‘you’ve lost your mind don’t worry about it’! How can I not worry about it?” I yelled in alarm. 

“It’s nothing to freak out about. You’re the same as you’ve always been, yet different,” he said.

“I’m confused…”

“Exactly!  _ Logically _ , you realize your feelings make no sense, yet,  _ instinctively _ , your mind wants to protect you, so you form feelings for the person you fear will hurt you. Your brain rewires the way you look at them completely, it’s basic survival instincts! The human mind is amazing! Though I never imagined in a million years you of all people would suffer from it!” he exclaimed and my shaking worsened. 

“Wait, you think I have…” I said, unable to say it, grabbing onto my head. “ _ I’m scared _ . Stop, you’re confusing things.”

“On the contrary, I think  _ you’re  _ the one that’s confusing things! That’s what makes this even more interesting, because it’s all just in your head! There’s nothing to be scared of and there’s no reason to grovel to me. You could insult and belittle me, Hell, you could want to  _ kill  _ me and I’d love you just the same! I would never threaten any physical harm against you no matter what you said or did, do you understand? Yet here you are! You’re probably thinking, ‘why am I feeling this way towards the man that hurt Saki and Mikado? I must be a terrible person or Izaya has done something to me’, but it was your own perception that made you feel this way. Yes, this is exactly the secret I was hoping for!” he said, and I was unsure whether I should feel comforted or insulted. So all those things, the peppers, poking my stomach, the elevator, weren’t meant to cause harm? I mean, I wasn’t injured, but I wasn’t sure what other reasons he had to do all these things.

“W-well, that’s reassuring, I think? I wasn’t exactly worried about that though. I mean, okay, I was a  _ little _ , but I didn’t think you were gonna like...purposefully stab me or something. I don’t get it though, if you can understand all of that how come you didn’t notice before?” I asked.

“See? You think I considered violence and changed my mind, so now you’re grateful. That’s the whole point of Stockholm syndrome, though I never considered it at all. I didn’t realize before because I forgot how  _ illogical  _ you are. You’re ruled by your emotions and emotions can be wild and cruel! Emotions don’t follow rules, they can switch sides constantly or betray and mislead you.” 

“I guess...I don’t know. I don’t understand why I started feeling this way. Maybe you’re right,” I said, giving in.

"Of course I am, now you'll understand how to better manage them," he said.

I twisted my lips, unsure.

“Okay but, i-if I’m mentally screwed up, what the heck is  _ wrong  _ with you?” I asked and he smiled.

“You mean what happened just now?” he wondered. No, I meant more in general, but alright.

“Y-yeah.” He paused, considering my question.

“If I tell you mine, do you promise not to overthink yours?” he asked.

“Uh, sure?” 

“During the events a year and a half ago, I had an encounter with that  _ monster  _ and was nearly killed. I would rather forget about it and move on, yet my mind still thinks I’m in danger and won’t let it go. You’re not so strange after all,” he said, looking away from me as he spoke. Deep down, I still didn’t want to think he was right, but, in a stupid way, his words made me feel a lot better. 

“You have PTSD then? I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” I said and he laughed.

“Why are  _ you  _ sorry? You didn’t do anything,” he mused and I blushed in embarrassment. 

“There you are!” I heard Dotachin’s voice call and he rushed over. I slipped Izaya’s knife into the back pocket of my jeans. “What happened? Are you okay?” He took in the scene quickly then, seeing I was physically fine and noticing the vacant look in Izaya’s eyes, which now searched around in confusion, he knelt down. “Hey Izaya, it’s me, Dotachin,” he said, carefully putting his hand on his shoulder and he looked over.

“That’s right, Masaomi called you, didn’t he? I didn’t exactly hear,” Izaya said, sounding calmer though his body was still clearly tense. 

“That’s right. You’re in pretty bad shape, it’s probably best if you tag out for now. Let me get you to the van at least, then we can decide what to do,” he said and Izaya seemed disturbed by this idea. 

“I can give you my arm and guide you or something,” I offered. 

“Or I could just carry you, dealer’s choice,” Dotachin said with a shrug. Izaya reached out, as if accepting my offer, and I put my arm into his hand. He grasped it and I slowly pulled us both up. “The car is just over this way. It only took me so long because it was hard to see you down there.” I walked carefully through the crowd, looking back at Izaya from time to time to make sure he was okay. I could tell he hated this, constantly looking around and flinching at every bump or nearby sound. Despite the presence of the Blue Squares, everything was like how it was before. People in the crowd chattered excitedly, kids ran around laughing, and the mood was still light and bright. It made me feel even more on edge. 

The van was parked away from the crowd and Saburo sideyed us as we approached. Dotachin opened the back door and I helped Izaya inside. 

“What happened?” Saburo asked Dotachin quietly, who approached him.

“A PTSD attack, I think,” he answered back, too soft for Izaya to hear. He went over to him and I stepped out of the way, having been standing there previously, Izaya taking a moment to let go of my arm. I couldn’t blame him, this must have been really scary and confusing for him. “Listen Izaya, I’m not gonna make you talk about what happened but, I think we should take you to the hospital just in case.”

“Yes, fine. I can’t focus enough to do anything anyway,” he said in aggravation and Dotachin sighed a little, before putting his arm over my shoulder and pulling me away.

“You scared the Hell out of me man, I thought Izaya had hurt you or something,” he said.

“I’m sorry, I just sort of panicked and...I’m  _ so  _ sorry,” I apologized and he gave me a smile.

“Hey, we said you could call us if anything happened, right? It’s no problem. I’m glad you called me when you did before things took a turn for the worst.” I grinned back, reassured. He looked back to see if Izaya was paying attention, then turned back to me. “So what happened exactly?” Should I tell him about Aoba, that I thought Erika was in trouble? No, it was too risky.

“We bumped into Shizuo and he freaked out,” I said, then to clarify, “Shizuo didn’t do anything though.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” He pulled away and headed over to the passenger seat of the van. 

“Well, we better get going. You coming with, Masaomi, or do you want to catch up with the others?” I knew I said I’d stay out of Aoba’s way, but could I really just sit by while my friends were who knows where? What would Izaya, the normal Izaya say? 

_ “What if he was just lying to make you complacent? He knew your friends were your weakness, so he used them. He has too big of a grudge against you to let them go so easily,”  _ his voice spoke in my head and my eyes widened. No way! I have to find them as soon as possible! 

“I’m really worried about Anri and Mikado. Some crazy shit happened, so I think I better check on them, but seriously, thanks for everything,” I said, bowing a little in appreciation. 

“It’s no problem at all, make sure no one else has to go to the hospital though, okay?” Dotachin joked and I swallowed, forcing a smile.

“Okay,” I promised, biting my lip, then, carefully stepped toward the still open back door “Hey, Izaya, sorry, I wish I could go with you, but I have to do something. You’re going to be okay though, right?”

“I’m not  _ that  _ fragile Masaomi, I really will be fine,” he said then narrowed his eyes. “Where are you going?”

“I want to check on the others, that’s all,” I said. He stared at me. 

“You’re up to something, aren’t you? You won’t tell me now, so you might as well go. Tell me about it later,” he decided and I laughed a little. 

“Alright. Oh, your knife!” 

“Keep it. I doubt the hospital staff will react well to me having it,” he said and I was unsure but nodded.

“I’ll see you later then,” I said and he waved lazily before I closed the door. I stalled for a moment.

“We’ll take good care of him, we promise. We’ve had our issues with him in the past but he was keeping an eye on you and the others, so, we owe this much to him,” Dotachin told me and I smiled in relief. 

“Yeah, that makes sense...good luck,” I told him and he grinned.

“Same to you. Don’t let this get you down too much.”

I watched them drive off, guilt filling me. Maybe I should have at least hinted at the fact I thought Erika is in danger. After they did that for me, the least I could do was find her. I called Mikado, pacing as I waited for him to answer.

“Masaomi? Oh thank God you’re safe!” his voice said when he finally picked up.

“Where’s Anri?” I asked quickly. 

“It was horrible! They came out of nowhere a-and they took her!”

“Where are you?” I went as fast as I could through the crowd in the plaza to find him, searching desperately for the booth he sent me a picture of.

“Masaomi!” a husky voice called in the crowd and I skidded to a halt. I saw a tall figure heading towards me, the crowd basically parting for him.

“S-shizuo? Um, about me being with Izaya-” I began but he held his hand up to stop me.

“Don’t worry about it. I mean, I have a lot of questions but, they’re not important right now. How is he?” he asked, looking angry as usual but worried.

“How is...wait, hold on, who are we talking about now?” 

“Izaya, how is he?” he clarified. This was beyond bizarre. Had I just smoked my dome off for good, was this all a bad dream? The world was shifting beneath my feet and I couldn’t keep my balance. 

“H...he’s alright. Well, he calmed down at least and is being taken to the hospital. Listen, I really have to go, there’s been an emergency,” I said.

“Really? Maybe I can help, what’s up?” he asked and I showed him my phone.

“Do you know where this is?” He viewed it for a moment, seeming to be thinking. I could practically see the cogs turning in his head. 

“Oh yeah, I just passed by that recently. It’s over this way, come on.”

When we arrived, Mikado was standing in front of it, chewing on his lip and fiddling with his gloves. “What’s gotten your friend so worked up? Something happen?” How to word this without saying it outright.

“We can’t find Anri and it has him pretty worried,” I explained, heading over to Mikado, who tried to calm down when he saw Shizuo.

“Shizuo, I didn’t know you came to the festival,” he said, still clearly nervous. In these situations, he usually became oddly calm, but Anri was his one weakness. 

“Yeah, well, I was dragged along. I hear your friend has gone missing, I want to help,” he said, though it sounded less like an offer and more like a demand. Crap, I didn’t think this through. I couldn’t send him away, he was the best help we had currently. Well, I supposed I could tell him, as long as Aoba didn’t figure out. Mikado tugged on my sleeve, bringing me closer so he could whisper in my ear. 

“Masaomi, they’re  _ watching  _ us,” he said and I was originally confused until I saw them. Across the way, between the booths, stood a figure with a superhero mask, his hood pulled up. I almost didn’t see them considering how dark it was there. Shit, why couldn’t Aoba have just moved on? So Shizuo wouldn’t find this interaction odd, I feigned catching him and Mikado played along.

“I think I might puke,” he said quietly and Shizuo’s eyebrows furrowed. Come on Masaomi, think fast!

“B-before we do anything, maybe we should go to the bathroom and get Mikado sorted out,” I said and Shizuo nodded. 

“Sure thing, just take it slow and take a deep breath,” he said to me then Mikado.

“They’re that way,” he told me about the bathrooms feebly, pointing. We made our way there. I “helped” Mikado with my free arm and he occasionally “retched”. 

“It shouldn’t be too far, just hang in there,” Shizuo said, not seeming to realize it was an act. The people in masks were  _ everywhere _ . Around every  _ corner _ , at every  _ booth _ , watching  _ everything _ . Their eyes felt relentless and it seemed as if I couldn’t make even the tiniest shiver without them seeing. 

Seeing the outside of the dirty public bathroom was a relief. As we hurried Mikado into the bathroom, Shizuo having to duck to get inside, I prayed they  _ at least _ weren’t here. If they truly were everywhere, _ I’d _ be sick. Mikado stood properly, helping me check  _ all  _ the stalls and corners while Shizuo raised his eyebrow at us.

“Nobody’s here,” Mikado said and I looked around for  _ anything  _ to block the door. The janitor had left his cart, so I just pushed it in front of it, hoping that’d be enough. We’d hear the door hit it at least.

“What’s going on? Don’t tell me the  _ flea  _ put you up to this,” Shizuo said. At least he was acting normal again.

“I’m sorry for not saying anything earlier, we didn’t mean to leave you in the dark, but, if we tell you the truth, it’s absolutely important no one else hears!” I said.

“Ah, so something really is up. I had a feeling you were hiding something. What’s all this about?” he asked.

“Anri isn’t just missing, she was kidnapped!” Mikado said bluntly. Shizuo’s eyes widened. 

“The Blue Squares are behind it, except, instead of wearing blue masks they have those superhero ones on,” I explained.

“They’re all over the plaza!”

“If we tell anyone or interfere, they threatened to hurt their hostages. You don’t know this Mikado, but I talked to Aoba. I think he might have Erika too. He said he’d release them by twelve but, knowing him, that’s probably a lie,” I said.

“Erika too?” he asked, terrified, then, “They gave me a similar threat too, but they didn’t mention anyone else. I think they might have Walker, I can’t reach him.”

“So, let me get this straight, the people in superhero masks are  _ actually  _ a gang and they’ve taken your friends hostage. This  _ Aoba guy _ , their leader I assume, promised to let them go by midnight, but what he  _ really  _ meant was you have until midnight to get them back. Is that about right?” Shizuo asked. We both nodded. “Those bastards, now everything is starting to make sense. Before I bumped into you and Izaya, one of those thugs stole Tom’s wallet. I was chasing after him, but I got distracted by you guys. Was that planned?” 

“Aoba wanted to get Izaya out of the picture so, I think so,” I said quietly. I hoped he got to the hospital okay. My thoughts went back to him, to everything we had said, but I shook it off. No, not now.

“Dammit,” he said, stomping on the tiled floor, the sound echoing. I was expecting him to have some rageful outburst and this whole place to get obliterated, but he did his best to keep his cool. 

“Wait, what happened to Izaya exactly?” Mikado asked.

“He saw Shizuo and freaked out, so Dotachin and Saburo are taking him to the hospital. What did you think happened?” I wondered. I knew I sucked at communication but I wasn’t sure what else could logically happen to him. 

“I thought they kidnapped him, since he’s your soft spot,” Mikado said and Shizuo’s mouth opened slightly in alarm.

“T-that doesn’t matter right now. The issue is, I don’t know how to get them back without Aoba and the others noticing, I don’t even know where they are, this whole situation is just a mess,” I said, bawling my hands into fists. 

“Hey wait, you have one of their masks. Where did you get it? Did you steal it?” Shizuo wondered, eyes narrowing in slight suspicion.

“Oh, I got this from one of the booths...” The realization seemed to come to both me and him.

“Shit, so they blend right in! How are we going to know who the bad guys are and who are just a part of the normal crowd?” Shizuo complained and that calm smile crept onto Mikado’s lips. He leaned on my shoulder, giving me an almost impish look.

“Well then, how are they going to know the difference between  _ us  _ and  _ them _ ?” he proposed.

“Mikado, you’re a genius! I even have a hoodie under this, I could fit right in!” I exclaimed. 

“Wait, hold on, there’s no way we’re letting you go in by yourself. That’d be too risky,” Shizuo said.

“He’s right. You’re plenty capable, actually, you both are leagues stronger than me, but sending you in all alone wouldn’t sit right with me. We should look for masks and hoodies so we can all go! We’ll just look like we’re enjoying the festival, they shouldn’t suspect a thing,” he said.

“Let’s go then, staying in the bathroom for too long might agitate them,” Shizuo said. So, we pushed away the barricade and Mikado took a breath, putting his sick act back on. Shizuo raised his eyebrows at Mikado being able to put it on so easily. Though, as I looked at his sad, terrified face, I could tell it wasn’t fully an act. I put my hand on his shoulder, squeezing it supportively, before helping him out.

“Thanks so much guys, I feel better now,” he said, hand still on his stomach, hunched over though he now stood up a little more properly.

“No problem. There’s nothing to worry about, we’ll find your friends in no time,” he assured him with a smile. His fake kind act was scary, honestly. We both took a while to respond and Mikado looked at me.

“Y-yeah, of course! Mikado was just overreacting,” I said with a nervous laugh. I wasn’t acting, well, I was trying to, but I was horrible at it. It was a good thing I was supposed to act so weird.

“Let’s just retrace your steps. They probably lost their phone or it ran out of battery. I’m sure they’re waiting for you somewhere around here,” he said, patting our shoulders, which was genuinely comforting, even if it nearly made us fall over. 

“The first game we played was that dart game, right?” Mikado asked and I nodded.

“Yeah, that’s where...yeah.”

I-it’s just over here,” he said, skittishly shuffling along. I think Aoba had them watching us more closely now, because I swore they multiplied the longer we walked. I tried not to stare too much, focusing ahead of me. How can he be nearly as confusing as Izaya? I couldn’t get a read on him either, though I guess at least I was confident he wanted to help.

Mikado stopped at the dart booth and we filed in beside him. “Excuse me sir? Did anyone drop a phone around here?” Mikado asked skittishly. 

“No, I’m afraid not. Did one of you lose yours?” he asked. He had a crackly but soft voice.

“No, we think our friend did though. Have you seen a girl, about 5’0”, with short black hair and big glasses?” I asked.

“Oh, the girl you were with earlier?” he asked and we both nodded. I really hoped he said he saw her, that she had escaped and was looking for us or running away. “Besides then, I’m afraid not. I’m sorry, I wish I could be of more help.” I looked down in disappointment.

“I-it’s okay…” I said quietly.

“Why don’t you stop for a moment, give my game a try, on the house. It’s New Year’s Eve, you should be smiling and laughing,” he said sweetly.

“Are you sure?” Shizuo asked and the old man nodded. I exchanged glances with Mikado. It could be worth a shot if we won, but I didn’t have a good aim and neither did he. We both looked to Shizuo, who was alarmed. “You want me to do it?” he asked then smiled cockily, rolling up his sleeves, “Alright, stand back and watch the professionals. I used to do this in college all the time, let’s see if I still got it.” Despite this extreme confidence and him trying his best, intensely concentrated the whole time, he wasn’t that great at it either. We all sighed.

“Maybe next time,” the man said. Mikado threw down some money.

“Here, let me try it, at least once!” he said, but his hands were trembling and it was no use. They both peered at me, Mikado desperately and Shizuo curiously.

“Don’t look at me, I have no precision,” I said. If only Izaya was here, I never realized how much he did for us.

Suddenly, we were pushed out of the way as a girl with blonde hair and striking violet eyes came up to the booth, leaning her elbows on it. Wait, that’s the girl he was with earlier!

“You are amateurs,” she said in a Russian accent, her English not the best. “Let real professional take this.” She offered Shizuo a playful grin as if knowing what he had said previously and he sighed, but smiled back.

“Vorona! Weren’t you helping Tom find his wallet?”

“I was, but search proved useless,” she said, motioning for him to pay for the game. He laughed, charmed. I had never seen him smile at someone like that before. He happily paid and she was handed the darts. Mikado and I watched her anxiously as she picked up the first one, having a second of stillness. Neither of us saw what was coming next. She threw the dart speedily and with frightening accuracy, then the next, then the next, her hands moving so fast we could hardly keep up. In a matter of moments, the bullseyes had been pulverized. The old man stared in alarm, taking out a handkerchief and wiping the sweat from his brow. 

“W-well done, young miss, y-you get a prize.”

“Vorona, that was amazing!” Shizuo said and she blushed.

“I trained a lot,” she said simply and he smiled widely.

“I’m impressed. Hey, I know you won that, but for the prize, could I pick it out?” he asked and she tilted her head.

“Is important?”

“Yeah,” he assured her and she nodded. So Shizuo got a red one, placing it on his head. “How do I look?” 

“Like discount superhero, yes,” she said and he chuckled.

Mikado paced in place worriedly. 

“Ah, that’s right. Listen, I’m helping these two look for their friend, do you wanna come?” he asked, looking over at one of the hidden masked figures quickly before looking back at her. She considered this.

“I understand situation and will help. Where going next?” she said.

“We’re retracing our steps so...the strength game should be next, it isn’t far,” I told them all, heading off in that direction, though the others soon ended up walking ahead of me. Mikado stayed with me. “I’m just slowing you down,  _ dammit _ ,” I murmured.

“Don’t be so mean to yourself, Masaomi. You may not be the fastest, but we’re gonna need your strength in the end,” he assured me. Am I even necessary with Shizuo here though? I looked forward at him. He was walking with Vorona, who held onto his arm loosely, both smiling at each other. A pang of jealousy hit me but I tried to ignore it. I  _ knew  _ how things would end, so why was I acting so surprised? Izaya didn’t have interest in anyone and, if he did, they wouldn’t be some stupid nineteen year old like me. They’d be as clever as him with a silver tongue and quick wits. They’d be able to keep up with him and would be perfectly capable, he wouldn’t have to constantly comfort or look over them. I imagine they’d be beautiful or handsome too. Again,  _ nothing  _ like me. My fingers fidgeted uncomfortably. Now more than ever I wanted Aoba to show his face so I could just punch something and forget it all.

“Step up, step up! Test your strength! Win a prize!” We heard the announcer’s voice before we saw it. He must have switched out with the previous guy. The other guy was so quiet. This guy looked more up-kept, devilishly handsome might be the right descriptor. Not that I’d know. Shizuo stopped at the strength game, chuckling and Vorona took a step back.

“Alright, I  _ actually  _ have this one,” he said, stepping up and handing over the money.

“Oh, a new contestant! Step up, step up! You’re a muscular fellow too!” the man said and Shizuo shot him an annoyed look.

“Quiet down,” he said, taking the mallet. 

“Okay, okay.”

“Don’t use full strength, would cause ruckus,” Vorona warned him and he nodded.

“I won’t, promise.” He hesitated for a moment, testing the mallet out, nearly flinging it into the crowd once, before slamming it down on the button. It went up all the way, then suddenly sunk down.

“Aw, too bad,” the man said, making an exaggerated sad face. Terror hit my chest.

“How?” I exclaimed.

“What? That’s impossible,” Shizuo said, sharing in my confusion. 

“Your game is rigged,” Vorona told him pointedly.

“No way! I’m an  _ honest man, _ and it turns out  _ your man  _ just isn’t strong enough,” he said with a wide smile. 

“It’s fine, it’s fine, I’ll just try one more time. I was scared of breaking it, so I might have gone too gently,” Shizuo said, paying him again and hitting it once more, but harder. The mallet broke and yet it wouldn’t reach anywhere near the top.

“You snake!” I yelled, Mikado having to hold me back from wiping that dirty smile off his face. He just laughed. 

“You shouldn’t waste too much time on me, you only have so long until midnight,” he said and my, Shizuo, and Mikado's eyes widened.

“You’re with the Blue Squares?” I asked and he shrugged.

“They know,” Mikado whispered in terror and Shizuo went off in a huff. 

“Come on, we’ll just try somewhere else,” he said and Vorona nodded in agreement.

“Though, after danger is over, will come back for him,” she said, glaring at him.

“Come by anytime, sweetie pie!” he called, waving us off. “Your plan won’t work!”

“W-what are we going to do, what are we going to do?” I asked in a barely audible voice and they both looked back at me. They know about it? Do we just change our plan? But what if they figure out about that too? What will they do when the clock hits twelve? I began to hyperventilate and Vorona put her hand on my shoulder.

“In face of enemy must stay calm. If already know no reason to sneak around. I propose we find friends and get back with force,” she said.

“But where on Earth would they keep them? If it was in the plaza we would have noticed by now. They could be miles away. This is all fucked up!” Shizuo said, gritting his teeth and Vorona gave him a pat on the back. 

“We’ll just look everywhere until we find them! T-that’s the only way! Or maybe we can still go through with our plan, if they don’t see us change, it will work out, right?” I asked.

“Masaomi, don’t lose your head,” Mikado told me and I turned to him to see him standing there, perfectly serene. “If they’re going to be confident about it, we just have to be confident about it too. I have an idea.” He headed the way we came and we all followed him, confused. 

He went to the dart booth, the old man smiling when he saw us, beckoning us over. 

“So good to see you again! Any luck finding that friend?” he asked.

“Not at all sure, but I’d like to ask for a favor,” Mikado said and he blinked, surprised, though looking perfectly willing.

“Go on.”

“Can we have two more of your masks? It’s for an emergency.” The man seemed hesitant. “It’s really important. We’ll even bring them back if you want us to.” After a moment he sighed.

“I don’t know what you young folks are up to, but if it helps then, of course,” he said, handing Mikado two.

“Thank you so much!” he said, looking like he might cry in relief but holding it back. He turned to us. “Now, listen, I want everyone to give me their emails so I can contact them.” Both Shizuo and Vorona did so, baffled. “Great, we’re going to separate now.”

“What!” We all three exclaimed together.

“If we separate we’ll all be vulnerable. It’s not a good idea,” Shizuo said and Mikado laughed lightly.

“I know Shizuo. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m counting on. I’ll email you the details, so keep an eye on your phone,” he said before heading off in a random direction. “I’m counting on all of you.”

Shizuo watched him go in disbelief.

“Listen, I know Mikado comes off as, er, troubled at best, but he can be really clever when he wants to so, let’s just follow his lead for now,” I said.

“Well alright, if you say so, but if this goes horribly wrong he’ll be the one paying for it,” Shizuo said irritably. He looked at Vorona, pausing.

“Do not worry for me. Am capable of protecting self. I will be on way now, then,” she said, leaving and indicating for him not to follow.

“Tsk!” he said, rubbing his foot in the snow before heading his own way. I was all alone. I stood there for a while, staring at the sky. It looked exactly like it had that night, except for the snow. I could practically feel the yellow scarf around my neck, the fabric blowing in the wind and lightly touching my face. The festival music quieted down until it completely disappeared. I see, this is just how it is then. Was it possible that everyone around me was destined to meet the same end, quietly snuffed out behind my back, and before I had the chance to stop it? Was it worth even trying, or should I just fall down on the snow right here and give up, hope what Aoba said was true?

“Your friend sure is intense,” the old man said, bringing me out of my thoughts and I offered him a shaky smile.

“Yeah, he is, always has been,” I said, despite that being far from the truth. That’s right, Mikado is depending on me, so I at least have to play my part. 

“To be young. I remember running through a festival similar to this one like it was yesterday. I looked forward to it every year! Going with my beloved friends always brought a smile to my face. The Ferris wheel was always my favorite, see?” he said, pointing to the Ferris wheel in the distance. None of us had gone out that far, I doubted I could. “My legs aren’t what they used to be, so now I man the booths in hopes that I can give the young the same smiles I had,” he said. Damn, someone like him really didn’t belong in a city like this, then again, maybe the perfectly pure and elderly were the only ones that were safe. 

“We appreciate it, even if we don’t always show it,” I joked, then, noticing a masked figure coming towards us, “You been in the city for long?”

“Oh yes, I was born and raised here. I suppose I never had the ambition to leave. Whenever I think about going anywhere else, I’m always drawn back to this city. It’s a wonderful place,” he said and I could see a sparkle in his old eyes, so I knew he meant it. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty great,” I forced myself to say despite the irony. The masked figure stepped up and I moved out of the way so they could access the booth. They stared at me, clearly surprised by my behavior, but paid for the game anyway and started playing. Good, let them think I had just given up or put the bastards on edge.

“Are you married?” I asked the man, continuing our conversation. 

“I was, a long time ago. She passed before me, I’m afraid,” he explained and I immediately felt guilt.

“I’m sorry for bringing it up, that sounds rough,” I said, looking away.

“I see a certain pain in your eyes, boy, it looks almost nostalgic.” I glanced back at him in surprise. “I've been alive long enough to recognize it. What’s wrong?”

“It’s just...someone I loved died too, so I can relate to what you’re saying,” I said and his eyes widened.

“Who? A family member?”

“No, she was my girlfriend. Her name was Saki,” I said and he put his hand on his heart. It had been so long since I mentioned her to anyone new. “She died young, but she lived a pretty good life and wouldn’t want us to be sad over it. She was optimistic like that.” He smiled warmly.

“She sounds lovely, I’m sure she’s happy wherever she is,” he told me and I nodded. The masked figure finished his game, wandering off. That was less dramatic than I had expected.

“Yeah,” I agreed and my phone finally went off in my pocket. “I-I’ve got to go, but thanks for listening to me.”

“Come back any time,” he said and I gave him an appreciative grin before walking off.

I took out my phone, clicking on the email. Okay Mikado, what in the world do you have in mind?

**I had a realization, but I thought this would be safer. There’s nothing wrong with our plan, the issue is we’re too obvious together. A bunch of new gang members at once would be too obvious, but, if we confuse them enough, we can sneak at least one person in. Here’s my plan…**

So basically, first, I just have to put my jacket and mask somewhere? Isn’t that  _ too easy _ Mikado?

**Masaomi, I need you to lose them and put your jacket and gloves somewhere, anywhere. Hide your mask inside, if you keep the same color mask they’ll know it’s you. Vorona, I need you to try to hide in the crowd as much as possible, it’s important they aren’t too focused on you. You’re about the same height as Masaomi, so this should work. I want you to find his jacket and put it and the mask on, hide your hair as much as possible. We need them to think it’s you, since Aoba targets him so much. Leave your mask somewhere for him to wear and email Masaomi a symbol once you’ve done this.**

I kept an eye on the masked figures as I circled around the carnival. There were too many of them and I swore they were following me  _ specifically _ . They’d either lurk around me slowly or stop whatever they were doing as I walked by. It was completely unnerving. They’d slowly turn their head to me, sometimes greet me as a friend, call my name, it was as if they were knocking me for acting so casual with one earlier. I kept going around and around but my leg was starting to throb and I couldn’t keep this up for long. 

_ “Hi Masaomi!” _

_ “How’s it going?” _

_ “It’s almost midnight!” _

_ “Where do you think you’re going?”  _ I’d plug my ears but I couldn’t take my hand off my cane. I couldn’t stand it, their lurid voices and chiming.

_ “Good to see you again.”  _ Shut up...

_ “Need some help?”  _ Shut up!

_ “Why don’t you sit down,  _ **_cripple_ ** _?”  _ I just have to keep going...

_ “ _ **_Cripple_ ** _.”  _ Don’t listen.

_ “... _ **_cripple_ ** _.”  _ It doesn’t matter, you can still do this.

_ “ _ **_Cripple_ ** _!”  _ I’m slowing down a little. Come on Shizuo, come on. I began to come to a stop. I can’t do this...

“You son of a Bitch!” A familiar voice sliced into the night and I saw a park bench being wielded in the distance as a sword. The masked figures around me froze, all staring. Now was my moment. I took a sharp breath in, gathering all my remaining energy and sprinting off. 

**Shizuo, while they’re both doing that I need you to cause a distraction. We need the Blue Squares to forget about them for a while. Cause a ruckus until Masaomi emails you, indicating that the switch has been made. Hopefully, after things calm down, they’ll focus on Vorona instead.**

I skidded to a halt as a sharp pain enveloped my leg and I forced myself not to scream out in pain. I looked around for a bench but there was none, so, instead, I rested on the ground, leaning up against a trash can. I took deep breaths, in, out, in, out, in… After the pain calmed down I looked around and, seeing no one around, took off my jacket and gloves, wrapping my mask inside it. I shoved it in the trash, letting it peek out slightly. I knew it was disgusting and I felt bad for Vorona but, they’d be less likely to see it that way. I forced myself up. If I sat around they’d find it suspicious, I’d have to keep moving, or well, sit somewhere nearby so I could make my way back there easily. I walked, well, more of stumbled as far as I could and sat on the first bench I saw. My body was shaking from the cold but I could hardly feel it, adrenaline pumping through my veins. In the distance, I could hear shouting and loud thuds, people rushing away from that area of the festival in terror, masks or not. Yet there I was, sitting calmly on a park bench, freezing my ass off, my phone gripped in my hands, which were going numb, like it was my lifeline. To an outsider, I probably looked like a young man nervously waiting for his date, regretting not dressing warmer but refusing to give in. I’d wait here all night and get stood up, most likely. I  _ wished  _ I could just sit here all night. They had no clue, but that was the scariest thing about crowds, wasn’t it? In the grand scheme of the festival, regardless of what the Blue Squares did, I was  _ nothing _ . It was a miracle Shizuo and Vorona found us, they were the true saviors. Without any of them by my side, this place felt hollow, but that’s why I’ve always hated being alone. 

I noticed movement between two of the booths and I froze. Great, I’ve been seen, I’ve ruined our plan  _ again _ . If it wasn’t for my leg I could be as useful as I used to be. But, upon closer inspection, the figure looked familiar. A woman with blonde hair was rummaging through the trash. I could partially see where I put my jacket from here, so that must be...Vorona! She put the jacket on, tucking her hair snuggly into the hood, then very carefully put the mask on, making sure everything was secure. She dropped her blue mask inside the trash, perfectly casual, so any watchers would just think she was dissatisfied with it. Man, she was so much better at keeping her cool then all three of us boys combined. I could see the light from her phone before she wandered off. My phone buzzed and I checked my emails. She had sent me a dog emoji. I managed to crack a smile, staring at it, my phone screen dimming and slowly shutting down. It was my time but I was too scared to move. Anri, Erika, and Walker were depending on me and yet…

I was stuck.

**Masaomi, after you put the mask on, I’m going to ask you to do something pretty hard.**

Why me? Mikado knows I’m not capable. He knows I’m a coward, he knows I freeze up. How could he ask me to do  _ this _ ?

**I need you to abandon your cane and infiltrate their ranks. Once you find out where they are keeping the others, text everyone if you can, but most importantly Shizuo. Vorona will be busy and he can do more than we can. If you can’t do it just let me know and we’ll switch clothes. Best of luck everyone!**

Abandon my cane! I’d never done that before, I had barely recovered, and now I wasn’t even sure if my leg was usable. I should just email him, come on Masaomi, just type the words, “I can’t do it”, “help me”. I opened my email, set him as the receiver, but I just couldn’t do it. 

“You’re such a selfish brat,” I scowled to myself, hitting my leg, letting out a grunt of pain.

“I don’t know about that,” a voice, high enough to be feminine, low enough to be masculine, said nearby and I jumped back in alarm, dropping my cane, nearly shouting as I saw a tall figure in a hoodie and mask looming over me. I quickly hid my phone though it was no use, they had probably already seen it all. 

“Y-you…”

“Need some help,  _ friend _ ?” they said in a sing-songy voice, moving to pull something out of their pocket.

“Hold on!” I said, reaching for the pocket knife still in my jeans. Yet, what they took out shocked me. It was a mask, a blue mask. They saw Vorona, they knew it was her not me, and they had the mask as proof. 

“Relax. Shizuo hit you pretty hard, didn’t he?” 

“What?” I asked in confusion. They forced the mask on me and pulled my hood up. 

“It’s okay, I’ll take you to the  _ safe spot _ so you can receive some care,” they said, pulling me up, putting my arm over their shoulder and theirs around mine, supporting me as we limped along. My cane was left behind, the snow steadily covering it.

“Who are you?” I whispered to them and they turned to me slightly.

“The main hero of this story, obviously,” they said softly back to me, their tone playful. That was probably a hint, but I barely understood it, so I just fell silent. We walked around until they spotted another person in a mask, flagging them down.

“Wow, what happened?” he asked, motioning to my leg.

“He got caught up in the crossfire between Shizuo and one of our other guys. It was pretty crazy. Do you know a safe place I can take him? I don’t think he can walk on his own and it’d probably be a dumb idea to leave him out in the open,” they said.

“Huh? Just go to one of the tents beneath the Ferris wheel. Shouldn’t you know this?”

“My bad. I was just recently recruited and am doing my best to help out. I don’t know much. We’ll head that way then, thanks,” they said, speaking without any anxiety. The Blue Squares were here for recruits?

“Oh, okay, well talk to the people there, they’ll fill you in,” he said and they waved each other off before we headed in that direction. I weakly looked up to the Ferris wheel. It was a rainbow of color, circling around in the sky, the lights bleeding out onto the night sky. How could something so beautiful hide something so dark?

The masked figure looked around for others of their kind, then turned their head to look at me slightly. 

“You should probably let  _ our  _ companions know you’re okay, they must be worried,” they said. Did they mean tell them about the location? They know about that? I took out my phone and emailed the others. The message was simple:

**They’re under the Ferris wheel.**

Sent. I put my phone away making sure to close the app, half tempted to delete it just in case. I’m not sure what I was expecting under there, actually, I know exactly what I was expecting. A bunch of guys huddled around with steel pipes and their fists ready, your average gang of dumb teens that just want to cause trouble. That’s what I was like, I didn’t account for everything Aoba would do. I was an inexperienced idiot that had no clue what he was walking into. When we reached the base of that ferris wheel, shit got real sickeningly fast. The area nearby was closed off, a man standing near the entrance, watching people go by and charismatically redirecting them elsewhere. 

“Stand back folks! Don’t step any closer! This area is closed! Yep, turns out the Ferris wheel is  _ dangerous _ ! Don’t worry though, our men are working on it!” they exclaimed happily, circling around a light pole giddily. Wait, I know him! That’s the bastard from the strength game! “Wow there...oh, ha, I didn’t see your masks.”

“It’s no problem,” they told him easily, pausing, waiting for his approval. He looked me up and down with searching eyes.

“Well, well, well, I didn’t know we had a  _ cripple  _ among us! What a colorful bunch we are indeed!” he said, bowing mockingly. “Step right through!”

“Don’t call me a cripple,” I murmured in anger and he leaned towards me to hear.

“A  _ mute  _ and a  _ cripple _ ? Gold mine! You win a prize for excelling in  _ uselessness _ . Better luck next time, oh that’s right, you’re stuck like that. Oopsies!” he said, smirking, but nothing they said deterred the masked figure helping me. They just laughed a little as well.

“Let’s get going,” they said and continued into the area.

“Don’t strain yourself!” he called after us and my body tensed.

“Don’t let him get to you, he’s just messing around and causing a scene,” they told me.

“I didn’t mean to, I guess the whole  _ cripple  _ thing just gets to me.”

“But you’re not crippled, at least not permanently, remember? You took a nasty blow from Shizuo, that’s all. That guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” they assured me. 

“R-right.” After a while of walking, we could finally see the tents and base of the Ferris wheel, which all sat on a large pathed square. People in masks were either sitting on crates or rushing around, coming in and out of the area. There weren’t just a few like I had imagined, they were hundreds. They almost completely filled the area. This beat the scale of the Blue Squares and Yellow Scarves combined! How did he get so many people? A familiar masked figure sat in the middle, taking reports and giving orders. Aoba. But none of that scared me quite like what I saw next. Most of the figures carried boxes to and from the Ferris wheel and, as the crowd shifted slightly, I understood why. At the base were millions upon millions of fireworks, large fireworks, the numbers only increasing by the minute, yet worst of all, I could see two figures sitting there, tied up roughly, stuck among the pile and trying to break free. One wore a black jacket and the other was in blue, their eyes glowing red in agitation. The one in blue was more bruised and tattered than the other. Erika and Anri! I searched around but couldn’t find Walker anywhere. I nearly called out to them but the person next to me shook their head, shushing me.

We walked up to one of the masked figures sitting down.

“Hey, I have an injured one of us and was told to take him here. Is there a medical tent or? I’m new so you might have to fill me in a little,” they said and the figure looked up at them, nodding. 

“Right over there. What happened?” he asked. He sounded older than some of the others. So they were taking all ages then.

“That bartender guy, Shizuo, totally got into a fit and our buddy here got dragged into it,” they explained.

“Damn! I’m surprised you’re still alive!” he said with a chuckle, then, becoming more serious, “Listen, newbies, there’s no beating that one. He’s a beast. I don’t know if he’s entirely human or not but, either way, his strength is unnatural. Guns and the like won’t bridge the gap, he’s been shot loads of times and is still swinging. It’s best to just run away.”

“I’ll remember that next time,” I promised him, keeping my voice quiet since it was stereotypically loud most of the time, not really skilled at changing it.

“Thanks man, I’m just going to drop him off then,” they said, going towards the tent. What the Hell was our plan now? I mean, what could we do? The place was flooded with too many eyes. Did we just wait for Shizuo to cause chaos? Then again, I had no idea what this person’s aim was, why they brought me here. He could really just be a newbie that mistook me for someone else. No, he acted too knowing for that.

We approached the tent designated for the wounded, the sound of groans and whining filling our ears immediately as we entered. Judging on the injuries, it seemed as if all of these guys legitimately got hit by Shizuo.

“Wow!” they exclaimed and one of the masked figures helping the wounded looked up. 

“Another one?” they asked.

“Maybe, what happened to all  _ these  _ guys?” they asked.

“Shizuo.”

“Yeah, he’s another one then,” they said with a small chuckle. 

“Just sit him down over there, one of us will get to him in a minute.” They gently helped me sit down at the side. Shit, my leg hardly looked injured, I’d be found outright. They patted me on the head.

“You sit tight for a while  _ friend _ , you’ll be good as new in no time. I’m just going to go see about those fireworks,” they said and I grabbed for them, not wanting to be left alone, but they stepped out of the way, giving me a wave with their fingers before leaving. 

One of the masked figures came over to me, carrying a few medical supplies with them, which they placed down nearby as they kneeled next to me.

“Alright, show me your leg,” he said. I hesitantly spread it out, shivering in pain. They carefully rolled my sweats up, examining my leg. It was viciously red and bigger.

“Your leg just looks swollen. What the Hell? I thought you were attacked by Shizuo?” he said. 

“Fuck!” Someone exclaimed outside, mimicking my thoughts. I could hear the sound of punches and kicks, then someone was flung into the tent. They smacked onto the ground, face buried in the pavement. The masked figures serving as doctors all stood, staring at the entrance of the tent in dread. In the low light, I could faintly see a large shadow dancing around. This was my chance. So, I forced myself up, my leg protesting but I didn’t care, someone had to get Anri and Erika. The boy helping me turned in surprise and I punched him in the face before he could properly react, practically leaping out of the tent before any of them could process that I’d “gone traitor”. It was absolute chaos outside. Shizuo was swinging around a lamppost, a chunk of ground still stuck to the bottom, Vorona was tackling and kicking around everyone she could find in masks (I should probably just stay away from her), and Mikado was...well, I didn’t see Mikado at all. That was probably for the best. I stayed to the sidelines, trying not to get dragged into any fights, not that any of them were free enough to realize anything was odd with me. The ones in the medical tent seemed to be cowering inside. I used park benches, trash cans, and the occasional lamp post to keep myself upright, heading to the base of the Ferris wheel where the person from earlier crouched down, inspecting the fireworks. Anri and Erika sat there, staying as still as possible. The mysterious person heard my ragged breathing and turned.

“Oh, hey  _ buddy _ , feeling better already?” they asked, half-joking. 

“Yeah, sort of. What are you doing with those fireworks?” I asked, my voice making Anri perk up.

“Just examining them. You see, explosive things are kind of my  _ specialty _ ,” they informed me. “It looks like these ones aren’t rigged, which was a big mistake. If I light one of these up, I bet they’ll be a chain reaction and the whole thing will blow!” I bit my lip.

“Hold on, you’re not planning to blow it up, are you?”

“Not right now, don’t worry. You’ve gotta get those two out first,” he said, pointing to them and they were both surprised. After a moment of deliberation, Anri used Saika to free herself, helping Erika too.

“Who are you?” Anri asked. They shrugged.

“Who's to say?” Wait.

“Walker, is that you?” I asked. He was a pyromaniac after all and he’d definitely have the idea to come in earlier. They just laughed. Erika shook her head.

“No, I’ve talked to Walker, he got here before you guys did,” she told me, then, seeing my confusion, “he’s over there, see?”. Walker was indeed over there, using his typical technique to melt people’s masks off. I looked back at the person, perplexed. If they weren’t someone I knew why on Earth were they helping me? 

“You should get yourself and your friends out of here,” they advised, still giving me no answers and I nodded. Whatever, I could ask them after this was all over. I helped them both up to the best of my ability, though I ended up tumbling and Anri caught me. 

“Take it easy, you must have walked so far,” she said kindly, helping me hop along, one arm over my shoulder, the other limp by her side, or maybe it was my imagination. 

“I didn’t really do much,” I confessed, hiding behind my bangs. She occasionally slashed the people in front of us to clear the way or protect us. 

“Don’t be silly Masaomi! You’re saving us right now!” Erika assured me and I laughed weakly.

“Am I?” Anri nodded then, becoming concerned.

“Have you seen Mikado?” she asked.

“Oh, no,” I said and her eyes widened. 

“Then that means…” she said and we all ducked as we heard gunshots. 

“Everybody stop!” Aoba’s voice yelled and everyone turned to him. He had someone grabbed in his arms, holding the gun to their head.

“Mikado!” Anri yelled. 

“I’m sorry…” he whispered.

“You dirtbag! So you’re too afraid to fight fair, huh?” I heard Shizuo say and he just smiled.

“I’m just using my resources. Drop the lamp post,” he commanded. Shizuo let out a raspy breath before we all felt and heard it drop. Reassured the biggest threat was gone, Aoba focused in on Anri. “We had an agreement Anri! Turn yourself in and comply quietly or Mikado will suffer the consequences,” he said and tears filled Anri’s eyes, which were glowing red rapidly, Saika going crazy. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her let go of me, falling to the ground.

“I’ll come willing just please, let him go!” she screeched. I wanted to tell her not to, I wanted to  _ do  _ something, but my eyes were unable to move away from that gun. I have a knife, yet here I am, dammit Masaomi act! What was I so afraid of? Shouldn’t losing my friends be the most terrifying thing?

“Good, now,  _ come here _ ,” he said, a twisted smile forming on his lips. He was enjoying all of this, the sick bastard. 

“Anri, don’t!” Mikado said, Aoba pressing the gun harder to his head and silencing him. She stood, swaying as she walked, head down. I reached out for her, trying to grasp onto her hoodie but not managing to.

“You both should just leave,” she told us darkly.

“What are you talking about, Anri? You’re being crazy, there has to be another way!” Erika shouted.

“It’s okay, I’ll be okay…” Now she was starting to sound like Mikado.

Without thinking I grabbed the knife from my pocket and snapped it open, pointing it at him. “Masaomi, what are you doing?” Anri asked, finally stopping, clearly terrified. 

“Yeah, what do you expect to do with a knife against a gun?” Aoba asked, chuckling at this display.

“Let him go,” I said threateningly.

“Oh, so scary! Put the knife down Masaomi, this isn’t a fight you can win.” I took a step forward and he reached for the trigger, so I paused. Mikado was sniveling, whole body trembling, face deathly pale. “Watch yourself.”

“Masaomi stop! It’s fine really, please, just  _ stop _ ,” she said, looking at me pleadingly. That glance broke my heart, but no, I can’t let this happen. I took in a deep breath, steadying my shaking hands. Please, whatever power is out there, I won’t complain the rest of my life for anything you decide to throw at me, as long as you let this shot hit! I took a leap of faith and let the knife slip from my hand. I closed my eyes shut.

“Oh my gosh!” Erika exclaimed, sounding breathless. Her reaction combined with Anri screaming made me come to the conclusion I had hit the wrong person. I was such an idiot, why would I try such a risky maneuver when I knew the way my luck was. I slowly opened my eyes. It had hit, violently too. He held onto this shoulder, blood dripping from the wound. I only stared at the jacket, vision blurring and Erika caught me as I tumbled.

“You did it Masaomi!” she shouted happily, hugging me from behind tightly.

“I did?” I finally looked up to see it had hit Aoba, who wore a pained look as he stared down at his shoulder. Mikado used the distraction to escape, kicking him in the stomach then headbutting him to the ground, though he still gripped tightly onto his gun. Mikado was stunned for a moment, then ran over to us, falling into Anri’s arms, who cried in joy. 

“I-I,” I said, my heart pounding in my chest.

“Take it easy, breath,” Erika told me, taking my mask off so I could do so more easily.

Aoba stood, rage painted across his face. He pointed his gun towards us, Anri stepping in front of it protectively.

“You little-”

“Hey boss man?” a familiar voice called and we turned to see the mysterious figure standing there triumphantly.

“ **_What!?_ ** ” Aoba said with such raw fury, the veins on his face popping, his muscles jagged, that everyone took a step back.

“Sorry, I promise it’s important. You see, my hand might have slipped around the fireworks, and well…” they said, Aoba’s eyes widening. He put his gun away.

“We have to leave,  _ now _ ,” he told everyone, but most of them had already started fleeing at the words “slipped” and “fireworks”. 

“We didn’t sign up for this!” one of them shouted as he turned tail and ran. Anri rushed back to help Erika drag me along, but it wasn’t nearly fast enough. We could hear the wick of the firework quickly burning, our minutes counting down before our eyes. I was about to tell them to leave me when someone picked me up.

“Excuse me, I think I can be of assistance,” the figure said, still wearing their mask despite the fact their scheme had already been revealed. The others were shocked but they ran, me resting in their arms, without another word. My friends soon followed, Mikado grabbing onto Anri’s hand and holding onto it for dear life, Erika and Walker behind, Shizuo and Vorona probably long gone by now, seeing as they were at the entrance and much more athletic than all of us. 

A pathway that I originally thought was long passed by like a dream as we glided down it. It’s amazing how far people will jump and how intensely they’ll sprint when their lives are on the line. Not that any of us truly had any time to be deeply afraid. We passed the boundary where that announcer once stood, bumping into the normal crowd. I could see Shizuo in the distance thanks to how tall he was, well, that and the fact he had picked up his lamppost. 

“Everyone move!” he said, his voice echoing in the plaza, swinging the pole just above everyone’s heads, not hurting anyone but encouraging them to leave. There were screams and everyone booked it, pushing each other out of the way and going in whatever direction they could manage. They, just like everyone else, couldn’t stay in that peaceful bubble forever. We were able to get pretty far down the pathway when it happened.

What followed I’m not completely sure. It’s important to understand I genuinely thought we had died. I heard someone trip and cry out before the first firework went off, then a dozen after. It was so  **bright** we could only see for a second, then it  **all went white** . First, it was our vision that left then our ears as the relentless booms assaulted us constantly until we couldn’t hear anything at all. It was like the afterlife in all the movies. Empty and quiet. I had so many thoughts about all the things I wish I had done or what I should have done, things I wanted to say to them, Arni, Mikado, Erika, Walker... **Izaya** . Was earlier today the last time I’d ever see him? I wonder,  _ is that what Saki thought?  _ We weren’t dead of course, fate was too invested in our many tragedies to let that happen. My vision returned before my hearing. The white faded from the center to the edges of my vision. I was still in the stranger’s arms but we had all stopped running, shellshocked. The figure seemed calm and still, despite it all. Mikado and Anri were holding onto each other, for the last time they thought, eyes closed shut. Meanwhile, Erika had collapsed, she must have been the one that tripped, sobbing and looking like she had been trampled, though she was sitting up now, and Walker, having regained his sight as well, dropped down and held her in his arms. I could hear muffled talking but I couldn’t make it out. 

“I...we’re…” Erika’s voice said, then I could finally understand it, though my ears rang, “I’m dead, we’re dead!”

“No, we aren’t. Erika! Erika!” he said, shaking her because she couldn’t yet hear him. I took her a moment but she froze, then turned. I have never seen so much joy on someone’s face before. When she saw Walker, she exclaimed in joy and clung to him, as if worried he might just float away. I was put down and placed my hands on Mikado and Anri’s shoulders. They opened their eyes, flustered.

“W-we made it, we really made it!” I finally spoke and they cried in relief, pulling me into a group hug.

“Thank God,” Mikado said through his tears.

I definitely broke my promise to Dotachin, seeing as we were taken to the hospital after that. To be fair, a lot of people were. Though, as we left the plaza, I no longer saw anyone in masks. Shizuo and Vorona made themselves scarce as well before any police showed up. I received a leg cast and crutch, Anri received an arm cast, Erika was pretty beaten up and hospitalized, and Walker and Mikado were relatively fine. Despite the mysterious figure basically saving our lives, they refused to take their mask off in the end. We didn’t get to talk to them at all, actually. After putting me down they just disappeared into the night. They felt like a mirage. We stayed in Erika’s room at the hospital at first. We were all shocked and horrified but, for most of that, those feelings melted away as the adrenaline faded, revealing how exhausted we were. We talked amongst ourselves and comforted her until Dotachin and Saburo arrived, wanting some privacy with her. Walker stayed (though, he couldn’t leave if asked, Erika refused to let him go) while Anri and Mikado sat outside. I could hardly face Dotachin, despite the fact he didn’t seem mad at me. Saburo told me where Izaya’s room was, so I headed that way. We left Erika sobbing her eyes out, but they were her closest friends so hopefully, they could help her feel better. I stopped at Izaya’s door, double-checking the number on it with the one I had written down on my phone, before knocking.

“Come in,” his voice answered, a lot more energetic than it had been earlier. I prepared myself then opened the door a bit, looking in before entering. He was laying in the hospital bed, a magazine on his lap, turning from the opened window to smile at me. 

“Masaomi! I’m surprised to see you in one piece! When you said you had to do something, I had no idea you were going to blow up the plaza!” he said energetically.

“I-I didn’t…” I began but stopped. I didn’t have the energy to fight. I wasn’t sure how I was still standing and the shock was starting to hit me again as I looked out the window and saw the large heap of fire and smoke in the plaza. Sirens roared in the distance, the sound echoing in my ears. It was difficult to believe we managed to run away from  _ that _ . It felt strange with  _ him _ , seeing the event from afar as if I hadn’t just been there, working with Shizuo only to come back to  _ him _ . It was like I had swapped worlds and I didn’t really mind. There was something quiet about his. Refined, maybe. Not completely stable, but way less rocky compared to Shizuo’s. “...nevermind,” I finally concluded, sitting down in the chair next to his bed to rest. I closed the window so I wouldn’t freeze to death. He sneered at my words.

“You gave that battle up quite easily,” he observed.

“Yeah well...it’s sort of complicated,” I told him, then, “do you  _ really  _ think I blew up the plaza?” He narrowed his eyes impishly.

“Did you  _ really  _ blow up the plaza?” he asked me. 

“Of course not!”

“I suspected as much. You’ve never had it in you to be so destructive. You’d feel too much guilt. Your friend Mikado, on the other hand…” he said, smirking.

“None of my friends blew up the plaza!” It was like Izaya shared his energy, because, despite it all, I could still joke and bicker with him. 

“Aw, that’s disappointing,” he whined.

Then I remembered our conversation. “I’m surprised you don’t think I did it,” I mumbled. He tilted his head.

“Now why would I genuinely think  _ you  _ did it?”

“You said I had lost my mind earlier,” I said, getting tearful but doing my best to hold it in. He sighed.

“Losing your mind and going insane are two different concepts entirely. If I had thought you were so unhinged you’d blow up an entire plaza I wouldn’t have let you leave,” he said. I looked away, eyes watering. 

“For a while I thought that might be the last time I talked to you. The thought of dying with you thinking I’m...it’s just upsetting,” I said softly. He let out a breath of exasperation.

“When will you get it? Well, I’ll repeat it for you until you understand,” he said, his smile widening, and I could tell he was launching into a rant. “I love all humans, whether they’ve been pushed to the brink of sanity or are painfully average, it doesn’t matter! I hardly care if you have secret ambitions or Stockholm syndrome, if anything it just adds to your ever-evolving character! As a  _ human _ , there is nothing you can do to make me hate you. You really could lose your mind, blow up the whole city, I don’t care! I’d just keep loving you anyway!” he said, pointing at me dramatically and my face started turning red. “So you should stop worrying about it, besides, you promised me you wouldn’t overthink it.” 

“R-right, sorry,” I said, letting my hair fall in my face and he leaned forward in interest.

“Did my little speech get you all flustered?” he asked, smiling at me.

“N-no! Though you didn’t have to get so excited about it,” I said, pouting. “And don’t say ‘I don’t mean you personally’ or something. I know…”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” he said with a playful smile. 

“Then what  _ were  _ you going to say?” I asked, raising my eyebrow. He chuckled.

“Nothing.”

“But you’ve never just said  _ nothing  _ in the history of, well, ever! You’re always talking and making snarky remarks,” I pointed out.

“Well, maybe your reaction left me speechless,” he said, fake swooning.

“S-shut up!”

He laughed, but like a belly laugh, which I didn’t think he was capable of, putting his hand on his chest. “I didn’t expect today to be so eventful! Things are starting to finally heat up and I didn’t even have to do anything to start it! That’s why I love this city so much! If only I wasn’t stuck in the hospital,” he rambled.

“You’re staying overnight then?” I asked.

“Of course! If I could leave I would, but they want to keep an eye on me, so here I am.”

“Oh, why?” I asked and I could tell by his sudden stern expression he’d rather not answer.

“I wouldn’t know,” he said, looking out the window for a moment before looking back at me and smiling, “You should stay as well, after all, it isn’t like you have anywhere to go.”

“Yeah,” I agreed easily and he blinked at me. “It’d probably just be safer that way. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be walking around, alone.” Not that I could go that far anyway with my leg.

“The Blue Squares are the ones that caused that explosion, aren’t they?” he asked and I nodded.

“Sort of. They planted the fireworks at the ferris wheel, someone else set them off though,” I said, trying to stay a little vague, preferring not to talk about it. 

“So that’s their move? Wonderful! The Blue Squares have finally shown their hand and it’s magnificent!” he said excitedly and I bit my lip, curling up a little more on the chair. He seemed to notice. “What’s wrong? You’ve become all reclusive.”

“It’s just, it was a lot and the Blue Squares are...different now,” I said.

“Different how?”

“Intense, I guess,” I said, their phrases running through my head again. 

“Hey,” I said suddenly.

“Hm?” he uttered, his eyes almost seeming to soften for a moment. 

“Do you think I’m going to remain crippled fore-”

“Of course not,” he said before I could even finish. It was too quick and easy, it was rehearsed. I looked up at him for a brief time, glanced into those russet eyes as if to find a more truthful answer, before letting it go.

“Okay,” I said quietly. He gave me one of those “what am I going to do with you?” type looks before the nurse walked in to basically kick me out and make sure Izaya rested. He explained the situation to her though and plans changed. He acted so charismatic around other people, why didn’t he act like that normally? Not that I wanted him to, that’d be unsettling. Seeing as I was staying overnight, she helped me set up the sleeper sofa. By the morning their sheets would probably smell of smoke, considering.

“Don’t stay up now, you can talk plenty in the morning,” the nurse told us.

“We won’t, we promise. I’m sure Masaomi will fall asleep instantly,” he told her and she laughed. I blushed in embarrassment, though I  _ was  _ pretty exhausted. She closed the curtains and turned off the light.

“Goodnight,” she said, exiting and gently closing the door.

“Goodnight,” we both repeated back politely. Now the only real light in the room came from the nightlight and under the door, though the hallway lights were turned off soon after. 

I got on the sofa properly, settling down and doing my best to get comfortable. My leg still hurt, though resting it felt nice. 

“Masa, do you mind if I remove the nightlight? I don’t sleep very well with lights on,” he said.

“Sure. Why would I mind?” He smirked widely.

“Because you’re horribly afraid of the dark, obviously,” he teased and I turned away from him in a huff.

“Goodnight!”

“Night night~” he chimed, taking out the nightlight, the room becoming pitch black. I heard him start to adjust, pillows and blankets moving, as I drifted off to sleep. He was wrong, I wasn’t afraid of the dark, the dark felt safe to me, I was afraid of the  _ silence _ . That stillness that accumulates in a room at night when you’re by yourself, as if no life had been there previously. That hollowness...being alone is what upset me. It wasn’t surprising those demented Blue Squares now ingrained in my head would use that against them. I would have settled for the silence over hearing their voices. They called out to me in the darkness, getting louder and softer constantly, as if they were whispering in my ear before retreating back just to psyche me out.

_ “How are you feeling?” _

_ “Does your leg still hurt?” _

_ “That’s a shame~” _

_ “I hope it stops!” _

_ “Or maybe not.”  _ Shut up, just shut up!

_ “Shut your eyes and we’ll just disappear!”  _ I try but it feels like my eyes are glued open.

_ “Are you gonna cry?” _

_ “It’s not like anyone cares, you useless cripple.”  _ I’m not!

_ “You’re…” _

_ “...Just…” _

_ “...A…” _

_ “... _ **_Cripple_ ** _.”  _ The word made my stomach turn violently like a tidal wave. 

I wasn’t sure if I was awake or asleep, though I could hear myself crying. I tried to hold it down and stay quiet but I couldn’t help it. I was petrified. Using a cane forever, my leg retaliating against me forever? I could barely help my friends because of it, we could have all died. For what felt like an eternity that was the only sound I could hear, but then I heard the humming and I found myself quieting slightly. It started too low to tell for certain, but there was this certain quality to it, some alluring feature that made me want to listen even more. It steadily got louder, turning from a hum to gentle singing, tenderly mixing in with my sobs, cradling them and slowing them down. It didn’t have any specific words, just a soothing melody that I eventually succumbed to, calming and becoming still. It was beautiful and light, yet powerful, so powerful it  _ chased all the voices away _ . 


	13. The Difference Between Smoke and Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya felt a lot of things about Masaomi, though the young man never realized. As he returns to him in the hospital, Izaya reflects over that night and his views.

“Masaomi! I’m surprised to see you in one piece! When you said you had to do something, I had no idea you were going to blow up the plaza!”

The important thing to remember about Izaya was the fact he wanted to  **be** God. Not play God, no, the info broker never desired things in half measures.    
“I didn’t…” the young man started, then suddenly stopped. Izaya couldn’t take his eyes off him. Having seen the wreckage from his hospital window, he was glad Masaomi had returned, because that’s just the way he willed it. Any God that would have Masaomi die in such a manner, in an explosion with many others and out of his sight, was not a God that deserved to be respected at all. So he watched in satisfaction as the smoke-smelling man stood before him, limping back to him willingly and knowingly. Deep down, he had nearly expected him to vanish into the night, run away as he usually did when things became too hard or frightening. He enjoyed the indecisiveness, yet, if his theory was correct, logically he would come back. A human with Stockholm syndrome rarely ever abandoned their love and Masaomi was far too emotional for it. That’s alright, in a strange way he didn’t mind Masaomi doing the unexpected, the unusual for him, if anything he relished in it. 

As he was having all these thoughts, running analysis after analysis through his head, the young man stared out the window in horror at the smoke and fire outside. Masaomi was so much more innocent than him and he got a kick out of this. Though don’t be mistaken, he never liked the flowery, hippie types. The kind that peacefully protested and would never think to harm anyone or the type that never yelled and rarely hated anyone didn’t click with him as much. He enjoyed the fact the young man was over-emotional with an anger streak and only understood how to fix problems with his fists. Masaomi was not pure of heart nor was he pure in his actions, he was what some would call innocent in other ways. He and the young man couldn’t be more different and that fascinated him. When Izaya looked out the window and down at the chaos, all he saw was a collective human will put into action. Meanwhile, when Masaomi stared at the explosion all he could see was destruction and hate. Rather than merely seeing the fire and ash as Izaya did, his thoughts shifting to the Blue Squares, he probably imagined the area as it used to be in longing and worried about all the poor souls that weren’t as fortunate as him. He clung to everything Izaya did not, and he loved that about him. Masaomi had fallen silent but, seeing the look in his eyes, Izaya decided not to interrupt him. He had on a stern expression, one Izaya was all too familiar with. It was the look he wore whenever he took charge of the Yellow Scarves or had some sort of personal revelation. His golden-brown eyes seemed to turn amber as if a light inside had been ignited, though they still simply peered out the window. Indeed it was a look of intense emotion and passion, Izaya would be amiss to squander it, so he simply  _ watched  _ and  _ smiled _ . 

It was there for only moments as Masaomi stood still, the wind gently ruffling his honey-colored hair. “...nevermind,” he concluded and Izaya wondered if he was talking to him or himself. He limped over to the chair with his crutch and sat down, that previous fire completely distinguished within a second. Yes, that’s what Izaya enjoyed about Masaomi. He was like a broken lighter. You flick and flick but a spark only shows for a brief moment. It made that full flame all the more satisfying. That’s why he couldn’t take his eyes off him, he was determined to see it. He smiled even more to himself. Yes, the day that blaze finally shined brightly in this despicable haze would be a beautiful day indeed. As stated before, the info broker didn’t just wish for this, he desired it with his whole being.


	14. Gathering The Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the start of the new year and, away from the danger, Masaomi attempts to process everything that happened. As he begins his day, he catches up with Celty and Shinra and is dragged away from his unlikely crush. His feelings just might be called into question in more than one way as the day goes on.

I shouldn’t have really been all that surprised that Celty visited first thing in the morning, Shinra in tow. I imagine when she saw the news that morning she completely flipped out. I couldn’t blame her, I would have too.

 _WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED!_ Celty showed me her phone dramatically and, even though it was just text, it made me jump back. She was dressed in something similar to her usual outfit, except in separate pieces with a leather jacket and leather pants. I was sitting on the lounger, the sheets and pillows having been taken away so it was back to being a normal chair. Izaya was preoccupied with his breakfast and not paying much attention, humming quietly to himself. He was in his own world right now. _I turn my phone off and avoid the news for ONE day and you all get sent to the hospital?!?_ Shinra leaned on the wall next to Izaya, sipping on a cup of coffee he had probably gotten somewhere close by. He wasn’t dressed in his lab coat for once, wearing a comfortable white turtleneck and sweats. Something told me he was dragged out of bed by Celty pretty earlier, he looked exhausted.

“I didn’t get dragged into it on purpose, I swear! Aoba kidnapped Anri and Erika so we _had_ to do _something_. We never intended for it to blow up!” I quickly informed her.

_He what?!? Wait, hold on, Aoba was there?_

“Y-yeah...well, the Blue Squares were there. Things went downhill pretty fast. I’m sorry…” I whispered. Celty sighed, calming herself down. 

_It’s alright, I’m not mad at you. I’m just worried. I saw that on the news this morning and...I really should have gone with you._

“D-don’t be like that Celty, we managed on our own,” I said, but that was a complete lie. We were just lucky. Despite everything we Anri, Mikado, and I went through, beating down other gangs, each other, we still couldn’t compete with most of the people in this city. I could contribute it to age, but Aoba was only sixteen and managed to put all that together. We survived but it felt like we had already lost. Why did I ever have to get involved in this stuff?

“Erika and Izaya were the only ones hospitalized, if it helps you feel better.” She froze for a second, then turned to Izaya.

_You’re hospitalized??? I thought you just got petty and stole the bed!_

“I wouldn’t do that to an injured man. You may view me as scum, but I’d never go that low,” he mocked with a smirk, then, “I wouldn’t have stayed with him anyway. I hate hospitals.

 _Then why are_ **_you_ ** _here? You look perfectly fine!_

“As if I’d tell you,” he said, turning his head away in retaliation. 

“Maybe don’t push this one Celty,” Shinra warned her, to all of our surprise. Izaya blinked, staring at him for a moment before quickly looking away. 

_Okay, if you say so._

“Are you feeling better?” Shinra asked him softly, bending down a little to look at him. He just smiled and laughed.

“Of course, stop acting so strange,” Izaya said. Shinra leaned towards him a little more, adjusting his glasses.

“But you look exhausted! What happened?” he asked and guilt immediately filled me. Now that I looked more closely, I could see dark circles under his eyes. Was he unable to sleep because I had been crying? Izaya glared at him lightly. Does he just hate affection or something?

“I told you, I hate hospitals. I just couldn’t sleep is all.”

“Right…” Shinra said, standing up straight and smiling. 

_Wait, hold on, then why is_ **_Masaomi_ ** _here?_ Celty asked.

“I stayed overnight. I was too scared to go back by myself, so,” I explained, leaving out the other details. If Celty found out I had...she’d lose her mind. Shinra’s eyes widened.

“You slept in the same room as _Izaya_?” He looked between the two of us.

“Is it that surprising?” I asked, hiding behind my bangs and biting my lip. 

“Considering how shy you acted around Izaya before and the fact Izaya hates sleeping with company, it definitely is. He never even let _me_ sleep in the same room as him, said it’d distract him too much. He’s always been a pretty light sleeper,” Shinra explained. Now I felt even more guilty. I was surprised he didn’t complain this morning.

 _I’m so sorry!_ Celty typed out swiftly. _If I had just left my phone on I could have given you a ride or you could have stayed over for the night!_ I’m the one that should be sorry. I didn’t tell her when he started to get in my head like I said I would, and now the problem has only gotten worse.

“I-it’s okay Celty, really. I did fine here,” I assured her. Shinra seemed thoughtful, rubbing his chin. Celty considered for a moment, then knelt down, gently putting her hand on mine.

 _You’re starting to really worry me Masaomi._ She admitted, surprising me. _You keep insisting you’re fine, no matter what happens. But you can’t just be fine! You’ve been with Izaya for several days! You just fought a gang and saw an explosion!_ She took my hand, giving it a squeeze. _So tell me how you really feel. You don’t have to pretend, I’m here to listen._ Despite not having a head or eyes, it felt like she was staring into my soul. I was trapped beneath her gaze. 

“I really am...fine,” I tried to lie but my voice quivered and I couldn’t help but pause.

_It’s okay. What’s wrong?_

“I’m…” I tried to say again but tears filled my eyes. “ _I’m_ _scared_.” Celty pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back. Shinra watched curiously, peering over at Izaya, who didn’t seem to notice. Though he _did_ notice me looking at him and smiled slightly. Shinra nearly choked on his coffee.

_It’s alright, I’m here, I’m here. It’ll all be alright. I won’t let anyone hurt you._ I began sobbing.

“B-but Aoba and the Blue Squares they’re...they’re…” I trailed off, trembling horribly. 

“What did they do _exactly_?” Shinra asked, finally satisfied with whatever conclusion he came to. “It seems to have you really shaken up.” I hesitated.

“You never did describe the event to me. I’d like to hear as well,” Izaya chimed in and I nodded, staring down at my shoes.

“They’re _insane_. There were so many of them, a billion, a-and they were gonna…” I had to put my hand on my mouth to stop myself from being ill, shutting my eyes shut tight for a while until the feeling calmed down. The image of them tied up among the fireworks mixed with that explosion kept playing in my head.

_Going to do what?_

“B-blow Anri and Erika up. Aoba said he’d release them by midnight if I didn’t get in his way. If I believed him then t...they’d be gone,” I whispered the last words.

“That’s horrible!” Shinra agreed

“If we had missed up even a little bit…” I put my head in my hands, crying my eyes out, quivering. 

_But you didn’t. Everyone is safe and I promise I won’t let them do something like that ever again, okay?_ I wasn’t sure. They’d probably surprise us again. They seemed impossible to predict and, worst of all, they were after all my friends. What if even _Celty_ was tricked by them? I couldn’t say all of that so I just fell silent. I heard the sound of slippers sliding along the floor and looked up to see Izaya approaching us. Celty pulled away, alarmed.

“Oh, you stood!” I observed, wiping away my tears and forcing a smile. “H-How do you feel? You probably haven’t stood up in a while, so.” He gave me a look then smiled a little devilishly. 

“Is Aoba truly as frightening as you seem to believe? A boy of merely sixteen who’s obsessively power-hungry. Now, that doesn’t sound all that frightening, does it? The only advantage he has is numbers, and half of them are either in the hospital or have realized he’s lost his mind and left. The boy can surely set up a plan, but he’s anti-social at best and violent at worst, something that isn’t going to win him a loyal following very quickly. After experiencing such a huge blow, I wonder how he will attempt to recover!” he said and I blinked. I hadn’t thought of that. 

“You’re right. After a stunt like that he might have to start back from square one, so it isn’t like he’ll be able to do something big again soon...thanks,” I said.

“You’re welcome.” Celty and Shinra watched us silently in confusion. That's right, and by the time they came back, my leg would be…

_“Cripple…”_

_“...Cripple…”_

_“Cripple!”_

I gripped onto my leg.

“What is it _now_?” Izaya asked, though not impatiently. 

“Just something they’ve said that’s been on my mind for a while now,” I said, chewing on my lip. “Shinra, can I ask you something? Please be honest, it’s important to me.” Shinra considered for a bit.

“Alright,” he eventually agreed, though there was hesitance in his voice.

“My leg...it’s never gonna fully recover is it?” I asked. There was a tense silence as they all three looked at each other. Shinra adjusted his glasses.

“No. Since you didn’t strengthen it and refused to use it long after it recovered, it’s been permanently damaged. Though you’ll be able to walk with a cane. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I just didn’t want to overwhelm and upset you. I really am so sorry!” he said, bowing his head. I looked to Izaya, who was biting his lip slightly, shocked. That was the type of thing he’d hang over someone’s head, yet he didn’t mention anything. 

_I’m sorry too. But at least you’ll be able to walk, right? We’ll be with you every step of the way, so just take your time to process it._ Celty said optimistically. Walk but run, fight? I doubted it. Everything was falling apart. I laughed pitifully as tears fell down on the floor.

“I’m really screwed, aren’t I?” I uttered.

“Your other problem is perfectly fixable! So don’t worry about it, you promised, remember?” Izaya reminded me.

“Other problem?” Shinra asked in concern. 

_Something else is wrong? What happened? Is it because of what happened last night? Is it physical? And what does he mean you_ **_promised_ ** _!?_

“If it's physical, maybe I can help!” Shinra offered.

“No, mental...I promised I wouldn’t overthink it. I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, looking away.

 _You just told him to_ **_ignore_ ** _it!?_ She yelled at Izaya.

“No, I told him not to freak out about it, that’s all. Don’t get your shadowy panties in a twist,” he teased and the smoke from her head erupted. 

“Relax Celty. He’s right, panicking about mental health is never good, it just makes the problem worse. Though, I must say, Celty’s panties are actually-” he began but was quickly stopped by Celty, who shot liquid like shadows into his mouth to shut him up.

 _Don’t talk about that around company, especially around Izaya, and_ **_especially_ ** _around Masaomi!_

“Sorry!” he gurgled out. She finally stopped and he was able to breathe. 

“A-anyway, I’m no psychiatrist but we can both offer advice,” Shinra said once he’d caught his breath. She nodded in agreement.

“I-I don’t want you to hate me…”

_Don’t be ridiculous, we’d never hate you._

“It’s embarrassing though and pretty bad. I don’t want to bother you with it,” I said.

“It’s no bother! We’d never judge you, so go on. You’ll feel better after you’ve gotten it off your chest,” Shinra assured me. I fiddled with my fingers.

“Celty, I need you to promise me something,” I said.

_What is it?_

“Promise me you won’t attack Izaya. Even if you’re pissed at him. Please?” Izaya laughed shallowly.

“You don’t need to protect me, Masaomi,” he said and I glanced at him before looking back at Celty.

_Okay...I’ll try._

I collected myself for a moment and they both waited patiently. 

“I think I have Stockholm syndrome.” There was an extremely long silence. You could cut the tension with a knife, no, actually, it was too thick for that. Shinra’s head slowly turned to Izaya menacingly.

“ _Izaya_ , what did you _do_?” he asked between gritted teeth and Celty was shaking in anger, trying not to explode.

“Pranks and nothing more, though I haven’t done anything recently. It’s all in his head,” Izaya said calmly. Celty finally moved, sticking her phone in his face.

_Oddly enough I don’t believe you. Now fess up! What did you do to Masaomi!_

“Nothing. I’d never hurt him,” he said though it didn’t sound very convincing in his voice, so I couldn’t blame them for not believing him. Celty wrapped a dark shadow around his neck, a knife-like edge pointing at him. I paled, wanting to say something but Izaya indicated for me to stay quiet.

_Stop messing around and just tell me!_

“Or what? You’ll kill me?” he asked, finding it hilarious and not looking very threatened. 

“Wow, Celty, calm down! I’ll just check Masaomi and make sure everything is fine, does that work?” Shinra said. Celty retracted her shadows.

_Fine, but if you find anything I swear I’ll pulverize him._

“Suit yourself,” he said simply. Shinra carefully checked me, rolling up my sleeves and checking under my shirt and sweats for cuts, bruises, or new scars that wouldn’t happen in the incident. When he didn’t find anything he looked to Celty. “Everything looks fine to me.”

“See? There’s no danger,” Izaya said to all of us but I think it was intended for me.

“So, either it’s due to emotional manipulation or the pranks really got to him,” Shinra decided. 

_Were you afraid this whole time and you just didn’t tell anyone?_

“Well, sometimes. I didn’t want to worry you,” I admitted. 

_You should have told me! We could have prevented this, you shouldn’t have to live in fear._ Shinra hummed thoughtfully.

“Hey, Masaomi, can I ask you a few questions?” he said, bending down and patting my shoulder. “Nothing too personal, I promise.”

“O-okay,” I said a bit shyly. 

“Have you ever felt _physically_ threatened by Izaya?”

“Once maybe...I was just overreacting though,” I said and his eyebrows furrowed.

“Aw, when?” Izaya asked. I blushed a bit at that and looked away skittishly.

“After you poked me in the stomach…”

“Oh. You’re so sensitive! I didn’t mean it like that, I was just curious,” he said, laughing a little.

“Oh,” I echoed. “Well, after you offered me pain pills I calmed down, so.”

“Why? Because he chose to be merciful with you?” Shinra asked.

“No, I wouldn’t say that. He just didn’t seem very interested in causing me pain. I just guessed I misread it,” I said. Shinra scratched his head.

“And that was the only time?” he asked.

“I think so.” My head was a bit fuzzy and so much had happened. 

“Okay, what about psychologically? Did you feel like he’d emotionally abuse you if you weren’t nice to him?” he asked.

“I...don’t think so? I mean, we argue all the time,” I replied. 

“Do you feel emotionally abused?” he asked. 

“No? Maybe. He hasn’t really been that mean actually…” Shinra ruffled his own hair slightly in frustration. Then an idea came to him.

“Are you sure you’re not just feeling sexual tension?” he asked and my face turned completely red, my body going rigid.

 **_SHINRA WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?_ ** Celty exclaimed.

“Well, it’s just, it doesn’t seem like the requirements for Stockholm syndrome are there. Victims usually feel threatened or in danger, clinging onto the more kind behaviors or feeling grateful when abusers choose it. For example, if a kidnapper decides not to kill their victim, that’s the kind of situation needed for it to happen. It’s a survival and coping mechanism. Emotional abuse can cause it too, but I’ll believe what Masaomi says and, from what I’ve seen, Izaya has mostly been a simple prankster. That’s not really extreme enough. Sexuality, however...I’m being more respectful than you think Celty, because sexuality doesn’t really have anything to do with someone’s personality. If Masaomi suddenly realized he also liked men and was trapped in a house with Izaya, it’d be kind of awkward, wouldn’t it? He can still dislike the way Izaya acts and start feeling awkward about it or have a physical attraction to him,” Shinra explained in length. So either way, something is controlling how I feel without me knowing it and I can’t stop it. Why did I find that idea almost as terrifying as the last?

 _For once, I agree with Izaya. How could you even imply Masaomi was…It's just wrong!_ Celty shuddered at the thought _._ I did too. Just imagining him like that...I hugged myself, my eyes becoming watery and my lip trembling.

“ _Actually_ , why didn’t _I_ consider that? It would make sense. After all Masaomi only just learned he was bisexual and we’ve had a few awkward mo...” Izaya started blabbering on, but stopped when I looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, whimpering like a puppy. 

“...ments.” He blinked, paused, taking this in. 

“You of all people are hesitating to analyze someone?” Shinra asked, laughing a little and Izaya ignored him. “So, it is true then? I did think he acted pretty skittish around me as a doctor, though I wasn’t certain.”

 _Great, you’ve both made him cry, I hope you’re happy_ , Celty said. 

“Don’t be mad, Celty, I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry, Masaomi, if I made you uncomfortable in either circumstance, I was just trying to help,” he assured me. Izaya cleared his throat, turning to Shinra with a smile. “I-Izaya?” Shinra asked skittishly. Suddenly he punched him in the stomach, causing him to double over in pain.

“You idiot!” Izaya said as he did so. Celty caught his coffee mug with her shadows at the last minute, entrapping it and the spilled liquid in a black ball. 

_Huh!? Where did THAT come from???_

“What, are you going to get overly protective of him or something? Honestly, I just wanted an excuse to punch him in the gut, especially after all the threats he’s given me. What a wonderful start to the day this is turning out to be!”

“I’m glad at least you’re happy,” Shinra muttered. 

_Don’t use Masaomi’s feelings as an excuse to play out your sadistic fantasies!_ She probably would have screeched. 

“Yes, well, I was just getting to that,” Izaya said. He then turned to me. “Don’t worry about whatever Shinra says, he’s just an unapologetic pervert!” he said.

 _Weren’t you just agreeing with him?_ Celty pointed out.

“I’ve had a change of heart,” he joked, putting his hand on his heart, and I think Celty would have rolled her eyes if she had any. 

“U-um,” I said, looking from Shinra on the floor to Izaya, still in a bit of shock. “What if it’s true though?”

“Then it’s confusion and will go away. It happens to the best of us! It’s much better than having Stockholm syndrome, is it not?” he said.

“Sure, Lots of people are falling over you _all_ the time. That’s why you’re still single despite being twenty-six,” Shinra insulted playfully, which caused him to receive a kick to the side. 

“Don’t ruin a good thing, would you?” He looked back at me, offering me a grin and ignoring Shinra’s pained groaning.

“O-oh yeah, that’s true,” I replied after giving Shinra a worried look, despite the fact I was still shaking like a leaf. 

“Either way, it’s not like either of us would do anything about it, right? So why does it matter?” he said.

_You say that as if you aren’t a manipulative pig._

“Haven’t I told you already? I’m interested in humans but I’m no pervert. I’ll just leave this part of Masaomi alone and focus on something else,” he said.

 _You’re such a liar!_ She said to him then, to Shinra as he stood, brushing off his clothes, _why did you put that idea inside of his head?_ He laughed nervously.

“I just didn’t want us to blow this out of proportion is all. But, whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll be able to beat it!” Shinra assured me and Celty.

They all looked at me, as if for a response.

“Right, yeah, okay.” I brushed my bangs in my face a little and peered away. I just needed some time to breathe. 

“Have we confused you?” Izaya asked mischievously. 

“Well...yeah,” I admitted. I also hated the topic.

 _Oh, I just remembered. Izaya said you’re bisexual. Is that true or is it just something he made up?_ She asked, trying to change the subject slightly before Izaya could say anything else.

“Rude,” he muttered. 

“I don’t know, I’ve only felt that way towards Izaya, so,” I said. For a while I had those sorts of feelings for Shinra too, but, that’d be awkward to mention to her.

“Sexuality does sneak up on you like that,” Shinra said with a chuckle. 

_I’m surprised, you always acted like such a ladies’ man._

“He really did, didn’t he? Well, that’s to be expected from someone that’s created a confident and masculine persona, not to say that a bisexual male can’t have these things, though people often paint it as if they don’t. When he finally accepts it no one will be safe from his cheesy pickup lines,” Izaya said, sitting back down on his bed.

“It just never occurred to me to flirt with guys really,” I said.

_Yeah, that’s understandable. Boys that age just don’t really talk about that, they find it taboo or something._

“They just don’t want to come off as uncool or weak. Males that age see it as girly or overly emotional to be attracted to other guys. They can get bullied for it or lose friends. It’s pretty sad, honestly,” Shinra said with a sigh, recollecting his coffee mug from the shadow container. 

_Was it like that when you were in high school?_ Celty asked him.

“Oh definitely! It was probably worse than it is nowadays. Not that I would know personally, since I’ve only ever had eyes for you, but, I saw the effects. People were shunned or bullied all the time for it. They’d put things in their lockers, steal their school supplies, vandalize their desk, and so on. Our friend group didn’t care about dating though so, we didn’t have to worry so much,” he said. Wait, was he implying they would have had to worry if they started dating, so they weren’t all straight? Izaya made a face at the subject matter.

_That’s awful!_

“Yeah but, it is what it is. Let’s not talk about high school too much. More importantly, just don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it, Masaomi. They’re just stuck in the old ages or uninformed.” I nodded.

“Yes, it’s their problem not yours,” Izaya agrees. 

“I-I’ll try not to,” I agreed. 

_Do Anri and Mikado know?_

“Mikado knows, or well, I didn’t say it directly, so he could think anything really. I’m not sure how to bring it up to Anri,” I said. I didn’t want to make my relationship with Mikado weird for her or anything and if she asked how I figured out, how would I respond? 

_Are you worried about how she’d react?_ She asked tenderly. 

“I mean, it’s not like I think she’s homophobic but...like you said, it doesn’t seem like like me. So I worry a little I guess,” I admitted. 

_That might be true, but Anri trusts you and wants you to be happy. I’m sure she’d believe and support you,_ Celty assured me _._ I was still unsure. _I understand it’s complicated but I’m sure she’d do her best. You’re one of her best friends. Besides, I don’t think you three should get into the habit of keeping secrets from each other again. It only made things worse last time._ My eyes widened.

“Wait, are you saying I should tell her about...you know?” I asked, swallowing fearfully.

 _Only when you’re ready of course! Come to terms with it yourself first, just, don’t force yourself to bury it down either. I’m sure they’ll be understanding of it all._ I smiled a bit.

“Okay, that sounds like a good plan. Thanks, Celty,” I said and she was relieved I had calmed down.

_Good._

“Celty, are you busy today?” Shinra asked, catching her off guard. 

“Ugh, are you two _flirting_? Don’t do it in front of me, I’d rather not see it,” Izaya said.

 _How can you say that after talking about Shinra and I having_ **_babies_ ** _?_

“Oh, you want to talk about that again? Does being in a hospital setting make you connect to your maternal side?” he asked with a smirk.

_Shut it!_

“Don’t worry Celty, he’s just jealous,” Shinra teased and Izaya gave him a death glare. 

“See Masaomi, no one hates you. We all just hate each other,” Izaya joked dryly. I bit back a laugh at that and he smiled.

“Exactly. I wasn’t flirting though. If you’re free, I was thinking, maybe you could take Masaomi out somewhere. It doesn’t look like he’s had breakfast yet and I want to talk to Izaya for a while. I’m sure you can protect him just fine, considering,” Shinra suggested.

_Really? You two haven’t talked alone properly in ages._

“Mm-hm, and I want to catch up! What do you say?” he said and we all stared at him, baffled. 

“What the Hell are you up to?” Izaya asked Shinra, narrowing his eyes at him and frowning. 

“Nothing, promise! Are you kicking me out? If you do that’s fine,” he said dismissively and Izaya thought it over for a minute.

“Fine, you can stay,” he decided. I watched this interaction worriedly. 

_Well...okay, if Masaomi is alright with it. I wouldn’t want him to put too much pressure on his leg._ Some space from Izaya might be what I need and I mean, Shinra had good intentions, right?

“I’ll be fine, I’ve dealt with a crutch before, after all,” I told her.

_You’re positive?_

“Positive,” I promised. She nodded, helping me stand.

“Have fun,” Shinra said, waving his fingers a little at us.

 _Whatever you’re planning, just fill me in later, okay?_ Celty asked Shinra.

“Okay!” he chimed giddily. She sighed, then walked slowly with me out, closing the door behind her.

We glanced at it before walking away. 

_I wonder what all that was about._ She said and I laughed.

“It was a bit strange, I hope they don’t get into an argument or something,” I said. She typed something out, then deleted a few things, thinking it out a lot before showing me.

 _Why do you defend Izaya so much?_ I flinched back a little. 

“He just went through a lot last night, so I worry...I know it sounds crazy,” I told her. She let out a puff of smoke from her helmet.

_I’m sorry, I’m just confused. You and Shinra aren’t being very specific about what happened._

“Yeah, sorry. It’s just pretty personal, even for him, so, you know,” I explained.

 _Ah, gotcha,_ then, after massaging her helmet, _let’s just forget about him for now. It’s been so long since we’ve properly “hung out”, I want to enjoy it._ I nodded.

“That’s probably a good idea.” The last thing I wanted to think about was...all of that.

We walked past Erika’s room, which Dotachin was just leaving. He smiled when he saw us. 

“Hey Masaomi, Celty. I didn’t realize you stayed, Masaomi, but well, that was probably for the best,” he said. I looked away from him, trying to find the words. 

“Listen, um, I’m really sorry for what happened. I promised I’d keep everyone safe, so,” I said nervously. He patted me on the shoulder.

“I didn't know the full scope of things when I said that, so don’t worry. You did your best,” he told me, but I still felt like it was my fault. 

_How is she?_

“Erika isn’t really that bothered by pain, she’s more emotionally rattled by it all,” he said, then, an idea seemed to come to him. “You know, Erika has always had a thing for urban legends. I’m not saying you have to stay but, Celty, if you could just drop in and say hello, it’d mean the world to her.”

 _Do you mind?_ She asked me. I shook my head. She turned back to Dotachin. _Sure thing_. He opened the door for us and, originally, I wasn’t going to follow, but he nudged me inside.

“The _heroic marksman_ and _badass biker_ have arrived!” Walker said, waving to us. Erika turned, her eyes looking puffy from crying. I didn’t deserve to be called that, I only hit Aoba out of sheer luck. 

“Masa...oh my gosh, it’s the black rider!” she exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. Celty walked over, kneeling down.

 _Hi! My name’s Celty, though you’ve probably already heard that._ Erika stared at her phone in disbelief. _I was told about what happened, I’m so sorry._

“T-that’s fine! I’m just shocked I actually get to talk to you like this. It feels like a dream!” she confessed, giggling.

 _I’m glad it makes you happy._ It definitely did, Erika was grinning from ear to ear. Celty thought for a moment, then took out a small card, writing something on it. _I can’t stay right now but, this is my number. Feel free to call or text if you should ever need anything._

“Really?” Erika asked, taking it.

_Of course._

“Thanks so much! I’ll treasure it forever, this has been the best day of my life!” she said cheerfully and Celty laughed a bit.

_Don’t let everything get you too down, okay? It’s going to get better, I’m sure of it._

“I-I won’t!” she said and Celty stood. “Oh wait, before we go, Masaomi, can I ask you something?” I blinked.

“Oh, sure.” I was mentally begging for it not to be about Izaya. 

“I heard you, Doll-san, and Mika-boo made a group chat. They said we should probably ask you before I join so...can I join, pretty please!” she said, putting her hands together. “You’re just so cool and I want to get to know you better!”

 _Oh, I’m on that chat too!_ Celty chimed in.

“That’s so awesome!”

“I-I barely did anything though,” I said, frowning.

“What!” Walker exclaimed in surprise. 

“You did so much for us! Mika-boo told me you snuck into their base without your cane and that shot you took at Aoba was amazing!” she rambled on.

_Wait, what?_

“You didn’t hear? Masaomi had a pocket knife and, since Mikado was being held at gunpoint, he threw it and it went right into Aoba’s shoulder! He totally saved the day!” she said.

_Wow, that’s pretty impressive!_

“I wouldn’t have even managed to get inside if it wasn’t for that kind stranger and I’m not sure how I made that shot. You shouldn’t give me too much credit,” I said and she pouted, reaching up and pinching my cheek.

“Well, _I’ll_ always see you as cool! So can I, pleeeasseee?” she asked and I laughed at her enthusiasm. 

“Of course. I like talking to you too, Erika!” I said with a grin, then, looking at Walker, “Oh, feel free to join too if you want. You both are pretty chill.”

“Sweet!” he said. 

“Yay, this really _is_ the best day ever! Oh, now that we’re friends, I should totally come up with a cute nickname for you! Let’s see, Omie, Mossie...what about Masa?” My blood turned cold.

“Please, anything but that,” I muttered and she blinked in alarm but didn’t push it.

“I personally think the cutest nicknames are made by amplifying the beginning or end of someone’s name,” Walker suggested. 

“You’re right! Hmmm, so then...oh, oh! What about Mimi!” she said and Celty shook with intense laughter.

 _I’m sorry, that’s just so adorable!_ My cheeks flushed in embarrassment and I rubbed the back of my neck.

“T-that would be fine,” I said, mostly just to appease her. She beamed at me.

“Thanks so much, Masaomi, or should I say, Mimi?” I smiled back nervously. That’s going to take a while to get used to. “Now I have one for all three of you! The trinity is complete!”

“Yeah, though I can’t help but wonder how you got Anri’s. I mean, it doesn’t follow the rules Walker mentioned,” I said. I also couldn’t help but wonder why she had one for Izaya but, I’d rather not ask that in front of Celty.

“It’s the cosplay name we came up with! Anri has a great figure and soft skin, so one of my cosplayer friends complimented her by saying she looked like a pretty doll. We decided to roll with it,” she explained, suddenly getting a mischievous look on her face. “You know, when I get better and when things calm down, you’re always welcome to join us at the cosplay club! It’s usually just girls but we _could_ make an exception for you one of these days.” Why did that sound more like a threat than an offer?

“M-maybe, I’ll think about it,” I said shyly. 

“That’s all I ask! Oh, you too Celty! You’re always welcome!”

 _Only if you don’t mind. I’ve never done cosplay but, it sounds like it could be fun!_ Erika nodded happily.

_Well, we better get going but, I can’t wait to talk to you on the chat!_

“Thank you again for stopping by! It really meant so much,” she said.

“You two are the true heroes today, that’s for sure,” Walker said, giving us an appreciative grin. 

_Anytime, Erika._ She squealed at Celty using her name and we headed out. As I was turning away from the bed, she grabbed my hand. 

“Hey,” she said softly and I turned. She bit her lip, considering her words carefully. “You did a good job, _Mimi_.” The comment took me back and I searched her face as I tried to understand it. She wore a gentle smile and I could see affection in her eyes. She squeezed my hand before letting it go. I smiled widely at her.

“You too, _Erika_ ,” I said, which caused her to put her hand on her heart, flattered. I gave her one last smile before leaving. Dotachin was leaning against the wall and he went to pat both our shoulders. 

“I haven’t seen Erika smile like that in a while. You two are the best, honestly,” he told us.

 _Are you staying?_ Celty asked.

“Nah, I’ve got to go to work soon, Saburo’s waiting for me outside. Besides, Walker’s keeping her company and the stuff they talk about goes completely over my head,” he explained and we all laughed. 

_Good luck._

“Thanks, you too,” he said, waving and heading down the hall. With nothing else to interrupt us, we managed to leave the hospital (using the elevator since Izaya was on a pretty high floor) and go to where Shooter was parked. 

_Shooter, look who I brought back._ He whinnied in greeting as I approached, patting his handles. I had no idea which part to pat. 

“Hey Shooter, it’s good to see you again buddy!” I said. He neighed in reply. I always took a shining to Shooter, he gave off such a gentle aura and loved every one of Celty’s friends just as much as she did. Of course, it took a while to get used to a bike with a mind of its own, but back then, whenever I hung out with Celty, Shooter was always ready to protect or comfort me. He’s the type of pet I’d want if he wasn’t a literal supernatural entity. 

_Do you have any idea where you want to go? I know a little coffee shop just around here if that sounds good. It's where Shinra got his coffee._

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” I agreed. It wasn’t too far away, so I sat on Shooter to rest my leg as she led him along. The shop was decidedly smaller than the cafe Izaya took me to, though I wouldn’t say it was claustrophobic or anything. It was decorated in browns and creams, the tables and chairs, rather than looking sleek, were made out of wood and decorated in a homely way. It had a cabin aesthetic and, while I preferred more modern ones, I could appreciate it. It was quiet but, the sound of dishes in the back and the hum from outside made up for it. I bet Mikado and Anri would love a place like this, it totally had their vibes. We were seated at a table next to the window, the sun shining in and reflecting off her helmet. My mind was exploding with thoughts that I did my best to suppress. “This place is so cute,” I said as we looked through the menu. 

_It really is, isn’t it? Anri introduced me to it. She goes here a lot, apparently. She said it’s a good place to study._ Knew it!

“I can’t blame her, it has a nice atmosphere,” I said. 

She paused before typing something up.

 _About what happened, I’m really sorry about Shinra. He crosses...pole vaults over the line sometimes. He really doesn’t mean any harm,_ she said.

“It’s alright, he was just trying to help. I feel better about it anyway...I think?” Her shoulders shot up in shock.

_Are you sure?_

“Well, now that I have some idea what they are, I can manage them better,” I lied.

 _You’re much braver than I am._ If anything I was a coward. It wasn’t as if I planned to try to tackle them or delve deep into the problem. If it was something as shallow as sexual attraction, I’d probably just try to ignore it until it passed. That’s why I was okay with it, it gave me an excuse to be complacent. Still, I didn’t argue with her and just smiled. I could tell it all didn’t sit right with her, but neither of us knew what to do about it. The situation was just all kinds of twisted. _I don’t mean to be serious it’s just, now that we’re alone, I need to confirm something._ I waited curiously for her next message. _Izaya hasn’t done anything weird to you, right?_ I shook my head.

“He was pretty brutal, conversation wise, when I first arrived, but he’s sort of softened. I don’t know why,” I admitted. 

_That sounds weird. I mean, I’m glad but, well, when people like him go all quiet, it usually means they’re planning something._

“It bothers me too,” I agreed. After he helped me out with Saki, for a while that moment was the only one that existed for me. After confessing my feelings and being reminded of Anri’s warning from Celty, my head was clearer. I was taken out of the weird home life Izaya had developed for us and gradually exposed back to reality, yet even still, my feelings didn’t change. I knew what he was like, I knew he was probably planning something and still. I was a complete sucker for him.

_On a brighter note, what are you going to order?_ Celty asked.

“Probably just waffles or something, you?” I knew full well that Celty couldn’t eat, yet she usually got herself something, if only to fit in.

 _Coffee. I enjoy holding the warm mugs._ I laughed, finding that charming. If I wasn’t so scared of changing the status quo, I’d easily consider Celty as one of my best friends. We both were so stressed out lately I forgot how fun our casual conversations were. 

“I do too, especially during the colder seasons. Staring out the window with a warm cup of coffee or hot chocolate just helps the winter feel less bleak,” I said, grinning at the snug thought. When the waitress arrived. she coughed at my smell. Celty tilted her head curiously, not immediately understanding the issue since she lacked certain human senses. I think the waitress assumed I was a smoker or something, because she went on to take our orders without questioning it. We ordered what we decided on earlier and she rushed off with the menus.

_What was that about?_ Celty wondered.

“Er, I may smell a bit smokey due to last night. Sorry, I should have mentioned it,” I said, hoping it wasn’t bothering anyone else too much.

 _No worries! You’re charming enough that I’m sure everyone can forgive you for it._ We both chuckled at that. 

“I mean, I’m pretty great so, I’m sure I can pull off most scents, intended or not,” I said with a charismatic smile. 

_The waitress must have been impressed. I’m sure it comes off as manly or something._

“Exactly! It gives off the impression I’ve been camping out in the wilderness and roughing it!” I replied playfully and her shoulders shook in amusement. She noticed something and typed quickly, leaning over a little, replicating the effect of whispering. 

_There’s a boy behind us that keeps staring at you. I think he likes you,_ she kidded. I carefully snuck a peek. They were someone around my age with slicked-back black hair and features that could be described as delicate. They at least weren’t the hiker male I was jokingly describing earlier. When they saw me look back, they shot me a smile. It was a sweet, rich smile, the kind I used to give to girls when I had the energy for flirting. I turned away, my cheeks becoming rosy and pulled up the hood of my jacket. Butterflies made their way into my stomach and I tried to figuratively spit them up. These feelings just didn’t sit right with me. I’d never known anyone else that had felt like this, well, Erika maybe but, it hit sort of differently when they were a girl. All the guys in my life had either settled down with a girl or hadn’t settled at all. Mikado had Anri, Shinra had Celty, Shizuo had Vorona, and Seiji had Mika I guess, meanwhile, as far as I knew, Walker, Dotachin, and Saburo were all single. I used to be among the others before Saki passed, and I was pretty content with that. It was just the right thing, or something. Maybe they did have the same feelings but decided it was best to ignore them. They might have been right.

_Wow, you’re really shy with men,_ Celty observed. 

“Yeah well, I’m not used to flirting with them, let alone being flirted to,” I said skittishly, taking a second to recover.

 _I do have to ask though, is black hair like, your thing?_ I jumped back in alarm.

“I mean, I guess I’ve always found it pretty,” I muttered. A lot of my crushes had black hair, actually. Saki had it once, Anri has it, so do Shinra, though his could look a bit brown at times, and Izaya, whose was possibly way darker than everyone else’s. I did have a crush on Anri a long time ago, well, more of, she was the kind of girl I wanted to have feelings for. Nurturing with a good head on her shoulders, but Mikado got her in the end and I’m happy for them. My crush has since faded. When it’s finally safe to leave Izaya’s, maybe my feelings with him will fade with time too.

_It is, but well, I’m pretty biased._

“Do you have a type, then?” I asked curiously. She considered this for a moment.

 _I don’t know, I’ve only ever really had eyes for Shinra. But in that vein I guess, people that are passionate and kind._ I nodded along.

“That makes sense. It’s pretty sweet that you guys always just liked each other,” I said.

 _I was lucky. As they say, sometimes true love really is just in front of you, even if you don’t see it at first._ I mauled over these words for a moment. _I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds but, I think you will find someone else again one day. No matter_ **_who_ ** _they are, he, she, they, whatever, we’ll all be supportive. Not that we have to worry, anyone that loves you would be great, I’m sure._ I grinned. 

“Thanks, Celty, that means a lot.”

The waitress came back with our orders, nose wrinkled slightly.

“Please enjoy,” she said in a muffled voice before going off again. 

_See? Your masculine energy completely intimidated her,_ Celty joked and I laughed, making a playfully confident pose before focusing on my food. I flooded my waffles in syrup, as usual, and Celty watched, in horror or jealousy, I wasn’t sure. She held the coffee mug in her hands, kicking her feet a tad in joy. It was adorable and clashed so much with her whole biker persona. I cut into my waffles and started eating.

_How is it?_

“Delicious!” I said with a thumbs up. 

_I wish I could eat waffles, they look so good._

“Maybe one day you will,” I said optimistically.

_You mean if I take my head back? How would that work? Would it just teleport from my head to my body?_

“Can you not attach your head fully?”

 _I don’t know,_ she replied. 

“Huh. Well, that’s stuff to worry about in the future, anyway,” I said, not wanting to upset her since I knew she couldn’t get her head back right now. 

_Listen, when we’re done here I was thinking you could drop by my place. You can freshen up and just relax a while. I’m sure Izaya and Shinra will be fine for a couple of hours,_ she suggested. Surprisingly, I had never been to her place, which is why I hadn’t met Shinra until recently. I was too closed off to want to do anything like that, having people come to me felt less threatening. It was about time I overcame that fear and saw it. 

“If it isn’t too much trouble,” I said.

 _Of course not! You deserve the break and, truthfully, I’ve missed you._ I smiled, touched.

“I’ve missed you too. Oh wait, what are we going to do about clothes, though?” I pointed out. She tapped her fingers together bashfully. 

_If I’m being honest, when I bought those clothes for you last Christmas I may have kept a few pairs at home just in case._ I hoped Celty wasn’t worrying her figurative head off every time I wasn’t with her.

“That was pretty smart of you. I _have_ to go then, I can’t let your efforts go to waste,” I said and she laughed a little. 

I scruffed down my waffles, she paid, and we left for her apartment. Luckily, the boy that flirted with me had left by then, so we didn’t have any more interactions. Riding on Shooter again after all this time felt freeing. It was like, I dived into this mess on him and it was easy to trick my mind into thinking that, now, I was finally being taken away from it. It was all over. The weird feelings, the fear, my limp, for that period of time I pretended it was all an illusion, a state of disorientation that only belonged in Izaya’s world. Celty would take me from his grey, monotone world to the vivid, bright world she and everyone I cared about resided. I liked to think I belonged there too, but no matter how hard I tried, I always fell away from it. If only there were some in-between I could comfortably fall into. A city like Ikebukero naturally wouldn’t have someplace in the middle, it only had extremes, and Mikado and I had touched both. The only difference was, the city had decided to give Mikado a break while I was dragged back into the underside again. I wanted it all to go away when we reached the apartment, still, when I stepped off Shooter, leaning on my crutch for support, it all came back to me. In the end, this was only a _break_. 

Celty helped me the whole way up, she was too anxious not to. Her and Shinra’s apartment was just as I imagined it. Warm and homely, organized with a splash of color and a sleek touch. We walked through the main hallway to a big open area that contained a sitting room, a dining table, and the kitchen just behind that. We walked past a glass office and bedrooms. I was sat down in the living room on a grey couch, a black coffee table in front of it, and a chair beside it. They had a TV set up in the corner and I was faced to stare out at the city from the big windows. Apart from that, they also had a balcony, all coming together to make the place open and welcoming. 

_I’ll get the bathroom ready, so just relax, okay?_ Celty said, patting me on the shoulder and I nodded.

“Okay, thanks,” I said and she headed that way. As I waited, I peered around, feeling that pang of envy again. It was the one I felt when Anri and Mikado said they were staying together, or when I saw Shizuo and Vorona. The place looked lived in. There was a game console sat under the TV with two controllers plugged in, I doubted they ever unplugged them, books about different topics scattered around shelves, and a few leftover mugs here and there. Things like this made me think about Saki, about that apartment we used to have together and the life we said we had always wanted. Then my thoughts would shift back to _him_ and the time we spent together. The thing was, it didn’t matter where I was, as long as I was stuck in my own head, the way I was feeling would only follow me. It wasn’t as if I immediately wanted to go running back, I still wanted the breather and to spend time with Celty, it was more like, if Celty suddenly came back and told me Izaya didn’t want me to come back and I should stay here, I’d be crushed.

That just put the horrible thought, no, realization in my head. Since he has a lead to follow, what if he didn’t want me back? I was only allowed to stay there because he was interested in me, in some weird way, but that had probably died out now. So then, did the new year mark the end of our agreement? I brought my good knee up to my chest, leaning on it as I chewed on my chapped bottom lip. Did I unknowingly just leave him for good? It’d be just like him to hide that and see if I fell for it. I bet he was laughing about it, knowing I was going to have this revelation sooner or later. _Dammit_! Why did he have to be so unfair all the time?

“I’m such an idiot,” I muttered, sniffling. It was for the best though, right? Did sexual attraction towards a guy really make you think all of this? If so, I despised it. Celty came back in, hurrying over when she saw my upset expression.

 _What’s wrong? Are you in pain? I have painkillers you can take._ She rubbed my back.

“I-it’s nothing...it’s just stupid,” I uttered. 

_Nothing you feel is stupid, so tell me. I’ll listen._ I gripped onto my pants. It wasn’t fair, it being Izaya of all people, the person everyone hated, for good reason, I knew that, and still.

“I’m just a little anxious about Izaya and everything. It’s just a lot,” I said carefully. It was so strange to talk about it with people like Celty.

 _That he’ll do something bad? I know I’ve offered a lot but it’s worth repeating. Shinra and I don’t mind dealing with Aoba. I’ve thought about it and I can protect you both, so, if Izaya is really scaring you, it’d be better to stay with us instead,_ she said and I shocked my head.

“It’s not that I think he’ll do anything _exactly_ , it's just...feeling the way I do for Izaya is, well, scary.”

 _I imagine. I mean, after all, he acts like such a sleazeball. He’s always trying to get people bothered._ She shivered at the thought. 

“You know, he’s really mean to you in that regard. Does he have a vendetta against you or something?” I wondered.

_Wait, hold up. He doesn’t normally talk to women like that? And what were those awkward moments he referred to back there then?_

“Oh, no, not really. Not from what I’ve seen at least. As for awkward moments, there was that one time I had to take a bath, but otherwise, I’m not sure what else he’s referring to,” I admitted. 

_YOU TOOK A BATH TOGETHER!?!_ My face nearly burned off and my thoughts ran wild.

“God no! Don’t put that thought in my head Celty!” We both took a break to calm down.

_Right, sorry. So, what_ **_did_ ** _happen?_

“He wanted to help me, but I refused. In the end, he just let me deal with it alone,” I explained. 

_For real?_

“I mean, he kept insisting, saying he wasn’t judgemental or anything, but after he realized why I didn’t want him to he said he wasn’t a pervert and left it alone,” I recounted. We both mulled this over. “Wait, hold on, if he only acts that way with you, does that mean-” I abruptly cut myself off, the redness on my face moving down to my neck.

_WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!?_

“I DON’T KNOW!” I shouted back. 

We heard the front door being unlocked and opened.

“I don’t know if you’re back yet Celty but I’m home!” he said, closing the door behind him and walking into the main area. “My talk with Izaya was pretty stressful so-,” he began, stopping as he took in our dramatic poses and expressions. “B-bad time?” We stared at him for a bit until Celty turned back to me.

_Whatever, let’s just forget it. Izaya is Izaya, Hell, he probably wants us to feel like this._

“P-probably, sorry about that,” I said, bowing my head.

 _I’m sorry too. Why don’t you just take a shower and forget about it?_ I nodded. She finally turned to Shinra. _Masaomi will be staying over for a while to freshen up._ He smiled.

“Aw, that’s sweet of you Celty. That’s probably for the best. He smells like he’s been in a house fire,” Shinra said, chuckling at this. I waited for my face to turn back to its normal color before standing, nearly wobbling over but Celty caught me. 

_Take it slow._ She helped me over to the bathroom and I sat down on a stool she had placed next to the shower. My new clothes were put on the clean sink. _Take your time and if you fall or get hurt or anything, call one of us, okay?_

“Okay,” I said, ducking my head bashfully and she closed the door. 

I listened to her walk away before getting undressed. Yes, I was highly insecure about this sort of thing, which wasn’t something I readily told anyone. I was only really comfortable with Mikado, but my defenses always crashed down with him, if I was being truthful. There was a reason I often covered myself up with hoodies and long sleeves. As I got everything off, putting it in a disorganized pile, nearly sneezing at the intense smell of smoke, I listened to the conversation outside. I could only hear Shinra’s side of it though.

“So, what were you two talking about that got you so riled up?” he said and I could hear him filling a mug from the faucet. There was silence as he read. “I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it. You know how Izaya is, always finding people’s weaknesses and exploiting them.” He ran his fingers around the rim of his cup a few times. “Does something? Like, convinces him into doing something sensitive and personal by pretending to share in his feelings or claiming it’s not a big deal? Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past him, but it’s not as if he would do anything without his consent. Izaya doesn’t enjoy getting his hands dirty.” A shudder went down my whole body from the top of my spine to my toes, which wrinkled in discomfort. He said he wouldn’t, I wanted to believe him, but it’s Izaya. If he tried to convince me to, what would I say? How would I react? I couldn’t play the conversation out in my head... Not really wanting to hear the rest of the discussion, I stood, using the sink for support, stumbling into the shower. Celty had put a stool inside as well and I sat down on it with a sigh of relief, turning the shower on. Their voices were drowned out by the sound. 

My mind kept going to places I never knew existed with thoughts and visions I’d never had before. I tried to push them back, the dam previously holding them in my head having other plans, and the stream of ideas washed steadily over me. I closed my eyes, the water from the showerhead dripping down my hair, falling on my knees, bruised from my fall that night, and rolling down my legs, one swollen. Why did Celty and Shinra have to say that, why did anyone have to say _anything_ about it? I didn’t want to see the reality of it or hear the truth, I wanted to stay blind to it, keep my eyes shut forever, because it didn’t change anything! Izaya was _sadistic_ , _manipulative_ , _cunning_ , a _silver-tongued villain_ that **didn’t give a damn** about me, I **_knew_ ** he wanted me gone, and still! If it wasn’t Stolkholm syndrome, then what did that say about my character? Izaya, when he was acting as he used to, represented everything I hated and tried to run away from, so, if I was attracted to him, maybe I enjoyed all of that more than I cared to admit, I might not be forced to the darker side of the city, but running to it, and if that was true I...tears filled my eyes and I curled up on the stool as they multiplied. If that was true, I was only as _bad_ as him. I cried out in terror at the thought. This darkness in me, the darkness that made me depend on the Yellow Scarves, again and again, the darkness that stopped me from saving Saki, Anri, and Erika and made me lie to everyone might finally be consuming me in the most barbaric way possible.

I sobbed pretty loudly and, to my surprise, neither of them interrupted me. I spent quite a long time in there, forcing the tears to stop before getting out. I took my time drying my hair and getting dressed before limping out. They were sitting at the dining table and Shinra adjusted his glasses as I approached.

“Feel any better?’ he asked with a kind smile and I flinched. 

“Y-yeah, sorry you had to hear that,” I said.

“It’s fine! You shouldn’t bottle up your feelings, if anything that was perfectly healthy of you,” he assured me, patting the space next to Celty and I sat down. She was strangely quiet, clenching onto her phone, the smoke coming from her head stalling almost. 

“Celty, are you okay?” I asked her. She was pulled out of her thoughts.

 _I’m fine,_ she replied shortly. Shinra stood, walking over and hugging her from behind. He did this for a while before picking up her hand and planting a kiss on it. 

“You worry too much, my _queen_ ,” he said, her smoke turning into a heart as if to swoon. I looked away, not wanting to interrupt. He then went over to me, patting me on the head. I blinked in surprise. “Cheer up you two! It’s the start of a new year which means it’s a time for new beginnings! Who wants to celebrate? Both Celty and I have the day off, can you believe it? I have ice cream in the fridge!” Celty almost mimed wiping away the negativity from her shoulders before responding.

_Heck yes!_

I spent the rest of the day there eating, laughing, watching TV and movies, and playing games, until the sun started to go down and Shinra urged Celty to take me back to the hospital. They went back and forth for a while.

_Are you sure about this?_

“Of course! I’ve considered it a lot,” he told her.

 _Yeah but this is_ **_Izaya_ ** _we’re talking about. He’s always been so unpredictable._

“Not to me. I would never put Masaomi in harm's way. I’m certain about this, I promise,” he said. I was too scared to interrupt, telling them he didn’t want to see me at all. 

_I know but..._ He took her hands in his.

“Trust me,” he said, looking into where her eyes probably would be without any hesitation.

 _Okay, I trust you._ He went with us to the hospital, getting off Shooter with me and indicating for her to stay.

“Things would probably go smoother if you stayed here,” he told her and she nodded, pulling me into a tight hug before letting me go. She didn’t say anything, Shooter huffing to comfort her, and we disappeared inside.

Shinra stood right next to me in the elevator, hand on my shoulder, and guided me as we walked down the hall. The lights glared on his glasses, so I couldn’t see his eyes, and his expression was unreadable. I said nothing to him and he said nothing to me. The lack of reactivity actually helped me feel better. We stopped at his door and I glanced in at him from the window. What I saw made me freeze. He looked... _angry_ , like, _really_ angry, teeth gritted, eyebrows bent down dramatically, and his eyes, good God, his maroon eyes were so focused and intense I was surprised a hole didn’t burn in the wall.

“S-Shinra, I don’t think he wants to see us. We should probably go back,” I said but he hardly listened, knocking on the door without fear and opening it without waiting for a response. 

“Izaya!” he chimed cheerfully, pushing me inside in front of him, as if to shield himself from his wrath. He looked at us from the corner of his eye but didn’t turn his head, his rageful expression dropping at the knock, though his eyes were still reminiscent of razors.

“You again, Shinra? Didn’t I already tell you my answer?” he asked in a fatigued voice. 

“Well, you gave me your answer this morning at least. It’s been a few hours. Have you changed your mind?” he asked smoothly.

“Of course it hasn’t, my answer is always going to be the same, whether you ask a day or a year from now. _I’ve made up my mind_ . If that’s all you have to say to me, _get out of my face_ ,” he said, wearing a snarl similar to a wolf, gripping onto his blankets as if to keep himself from aiming it at Shinra. He still smiled and didn’t even flinch. Damn, I wish I had such tough skin.

“Okay. Goodnight!” he said, waving at us. He offered me a supportive wink then left.

Without him there I was a defenseless bunny rabbit forced to stand in front of my predator. I was shaking, grip tightening on my crutch. I let out a quivering breath.

“U-u-u-u-um,” was the only thing I could say. He looked at me, his mouth becoming slack and his eyes flickering, similar to a pool of blood. “Did something happen between you two? Is there any way I can help?” He stared at me, then turned to look at the window without a word. Having his eyes off me was relieving, but it was just as I expected, wasn’t it? “The silent treatment, huh?” If I understood why he was hurting, he might reconsider.

“ _Don’t try to read me_ ,” his voice scolded in my head, but I brushed it aside.

“Do you think I’m on his side or something? He didn’t tell me about any of that, I swear,” I insisted. He didn’t budge. “I’m really sorry about whatever he said, and I’m sorry about Celty, I’m sorry about being annoying, ju-”

“Shut up!” he finally said and I immediately went silent, the words causing a pain in my chest, as if he had physically just kicked me into the wall. “You’re so _sickeningly sweet_ it makes me want to _puke_ .” Despite knowing this was exactly what should be expected, I still managed to be disappointed. He looked at me again, eyes narrowed. I stared back, having to force my body still. All that talk about darkness but, at a time like this I couldn’t weaponize it, I couldn’t bite back, I just gave up. I was completely vulnerable to him. “What’s _wrong_ with you? Don’t you want to yell, punch me, tell me off? _Something_ ? Instead you always just get quiet, or cry, or defend me. What, I arouse you sometimes so you’ve gotten all soft on me? How **_aberrant_ **,” he said bitingly, smirking widely.

Don’t respond, dear God Masaomi don’t respond, that’s exactly what he wants! We’ve been here, we know better. Yet his words had me shaking in anger. Just push it down, brush it aside as you always do. He’s had such a difficult time here, I was sure he’d calm down later. He laughed. “You’re just going to fall silent? How predictable. You really have gone weak. The _old_ you wouldn’t have been able to stand it! He’d react instantly with a swing to my head, overcome by rage. The new you, well, truly, I can say whatever I want and you’ll just stand there. Thank God for my good looks and your raging libido.” 

“Listen, you prick!” I said, unable to control myself, pointing over at him. The reality was finally in front of me and every fiber of my being refused to accept it. His world wasn’t grey at all, I wanted to think it was, but no, it was _bright red_ and _that_ was something I found familiar.

“Oh goo-”

“No, it's _your_ turn to shut up now!” I said, interrupting him and shocking him. “If we’re talking about going _soft_ what about _you_ ? Don’t take the focus off you, you idiot! You’ve decided to be nice for days and were just fine this morning, then _suddenly_ , you have to act like an asshat! It’s not _my fault_ you’re so insecure you can’t accept when someone wants to be _nice_ to you! So what if we get along? Who cares if I want to be friends! I don’t give a **_shit_ ** if it annoys you, or scares you, or bores you! I’m going to keep doing it because that’s what I want to do, I’m thinking about _myself_ for once! It might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, and the reasons might be devious or shameful, but you’ll just have to _put up_ with it, you **trash eating** , **shit licking** , **asshole**!” I finally stopped, throat feeling hoarse from all the screaming, literally panting in anger. He stared at me, eyes widening, mouth agape. He couldn’t respond at all, his whole being in shock. I came back to my senses, guilt filling my body so heavily I thought I might collapse. I paled in horror at myself. “Wow, wow, I didn’t mean that. I went too far! S-s…” He suddenly burst out laughing, the loud sound nearly sending me into a panicked frenzy, the chuckle coming out in dramatic spurts that made his whole body spasm. Tears filled his eyes the size of big dollops and rained down without his permission. 

“I-I-” he tried to begin, the words jumbling and disappearing into quick breaths. Was this a good thing, was he mocking me? I had no clue anymore, so I just stood there and waited, half prepared to have to call a nurse over in case he went into hysterics. He was slapping his knee in laughter and it took several minutes for him to chill out enough to talk.

“Good God! I was just trying to nudge you down the stairs and _you_ kicked me _all_ the way to South Ikebukuro Park. Brilliant!” he said in high amusement, still unable to fully hold back his laugh, jumping on the bed. I scratched the back of my head nervously.

“I didn’t intend to…”

“Relax, would you? This is a wonderful thing!” he said, leaping off the bed and landing easily. 

“It is?” I asked, backing up as he approached me, though he stopped halfway, his laughter ceasing. 

“Absolutely! Out of respect for your completely selfish tantrum, I will accept your offer of friendship!” he said and my heart nearly jumped out of my throat. 

“W-wha...really?” I asked, waving my arm around in disbelief. 

“I’m essentially friendzoning you, try not to smile too much,” he mused and I only then realized I was grinning like an idiot. My cheeks flushed.

“I can be happy about whatever I want!”

“Okay, okay!” he agreed, laughing again.

I took many breaths, trying to force the adrenaline out of my body that made me sick.

“Stop, you’re going to hyperventilate,” he told me with a grin, eyes sparkling. _Hell_ , despite everything that was pretty cute. I glanced at his face curiously. It was like a night and day difference. With the danger gone, my body slowly relaxed and I almost succumbed to the floor. Did I do the right thing or was he secretly trying to get back at me?

“You don’t find me gross?” I had to ask. I wondered if he saw me as many other things but I was too afraid to ask.

“No, if anything you’re perfectly normal. If you figured out you were bisexual and didn’t develop desires towards me at all, I’d be concerned,” he joked with a sly grin and I laughed, even though my face turned dead red.

“Well, you’re a jerk, so you deserve to have to put up with it either way,” I decided with a shrug and he smiled widely. I braced myself against the wall, sliding down it.

“Not to interrupt this, but, seeing as we get along so swimmingly, I suppose I’ll let you in on my plans,” he said and I raised my eyebrows. Since when did he start saying that to _anyone_?

“E-excuse me?” He smiled mockingly at my confusion.

“I’m tired of staying in this pitiful place and have come to the realization it might not be entirely safe for me. After all, Aoba did target me directly with... _that_. So, I’ve planned to sneak out tonight and head to one of my safe houses for a while, just in case. You can come with me, if you want,” he offered and I half expected him to ask me to shake on it. Talk about a deal with the devil. It was clear though that he had originally planned to disappear without telling me. “It’d be the safest option for you as well, still, I won’t push it.”

“Fine,” I decided, resting on the floor and staring up at him, “just tell me what to do.”


	15. The Remaining Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Izaya's horror, Shinra has an offer for him he's not quite ready for. How will he deal with the doctor's persistence?

As they left, the info broker hardly cared about his childhood friend that stood beside him. Instead, he watched the young man limp away with that  _ creature _ , smiling and laughing, until they disappeared from the rectangular window. Shinra didn’t interrupt him, sitting down on the chair where Masaomi once sat, still sipping on his coffee. If Izaya was honest, he hated that  _ thing _ , it was all Shinra ever talked about and, despite not even being human, lived comfortably with him in the city. He  _ hadn’t  _ even wanted to stay in the  _ city  _ , in actuality, that was Shinra’s idea. Well, at least it was entertaining here and he enjoyed playing with  _ it _ . In a word, he was jealous or, perhaps, vengeful. Moments such as this made him regret ever talking to Shinra in the first place, though, despite how annoyed he was at the idiot, he couldn’t fully condemn him either. It was such a frustrating situation, those two together truly put him on edge. He finally peered over at Shinra, eyes flicking over slowly. He was smiling while Izaya had become completely stern-faced. 

“Wow, what a scary expression! If I’m being honest, I forgot you could look like that. You were smiling so much this morning,” Shinra said, laughing a little. Izaya wished he could punch him in the gut again. They didn’t used to be this tense. In high school, despite that monster being around he had managed to survive Shinra’s fanaticism. When they graduated, Shinra didn’t really care what he did as long as it didn’t hurt Celty. Izaya couldn’t help but stick his hands straight into the fire and Shinra picked the  _ monsters  _ of the city over everything else. Yet, he had known that would happen, it didn’t stop him from wishing it hadn’t. Those two truly had grudges against each other, and that’s the only reason he accepted this meeting. He just wanted to see if Shinra would explode or could continue his friendly act. After all, as Celty said, it’d been a long time since they were left in a room completely alone. 

“What is it? Do you want to defend Celty’s honor or something,” I asked mockingly.   
“No, though I still wish you’d just apologize to her. It’d make things a lot easier,” he admitted.   
“Huh? Didn’t we already talk about this and as if she’d listen. Besides, I’m  _ not  _ sorry.”   
“You’d be surprised how caring and forgiving she can be! I know you aren’t sorry, but couldn’t you at least  _ pretend  _ to be? Just grit your teeth and bear it, then things could calm,” he said.   
“You call the girl that constantly punches and abuses you  _ caring  _ and  _ forgiving?  _ Oh, that’s right, she can never do wrong in your delusional eyes,” he said, the animosity powerful in his voice.    
“Come on Izaya. You  _ know  _ you were in the wrong in this case.”   
“Was I? You hide her head from her and it’s true love, I do it and I’m the most horrible person on the planet. If you ask me, you’re more of a scumbag in this case,” he said bitingly with a smirk. Shinra had to hold back his annoyance and good for him, Izaya thought, he hoped he strained himself.   
“I apologized and we talked it out, that’s just what people do when they hurt a loved one, Izaya. Why can’t you just say  _ sorry  _ for  _ once _ ?” he said. He looked away, falling silent. Why couldn’t he just say sorry? No one deserved his apologies, especially not those two. Shinra sighed.   
“I’m not saying this just for Celty’s sake, I’m saying it for you too. Being so stubborn and keeping in all this anger isn’t good for you. You’re stressing yourself out,” he said.   
“I’m not  _ stressed  _ ,” he said, though that was far from the truth. Consequently, after he was almost killed by that  _ monster _ , he couldn’t make his nerves settle. Shinra raised his eyebrows.   
“You’re gripping onto your robe right now and gritting your teeth. Not to mention your weight. Izaya, you’re stressed out, stop being in denial,” he said. 

Was he? He hadn’t noticed, he had no idea what was wrong with him lately. He felt strange, but he chalked it up to a lack of sleep or ambition. A lack of ambition, he found the very idea pitiful. He hadn’t made many plans lately, no, not many at all, something he rarely experienced and it unnerved him. Following many strings and causing many sparks, that’s how he relieved stress, and with his mind refusing to cling to the many possibilities around him, his tension was just growing and growing. A gang war was brewing, the perfect opportunity, so why was he just sitting here, mind smoking as if from overuse. Something was distracting him but he had no idea what. That’s why he was so ecstatic when the festival blew up and the Blue Squares finally revealed themselves, Masaomi right in the eye of the storm. He could bask in the greatness of humanity as usual and become excited for all the many possible events to come. Yes, Masaomi would be the action hero to his new story! That thought alone gave him a strong feeling of ecstasy. He was still on that high and would have relief for a while. Yet even that felt  _ tainted  _ to the young God. Who had disturbed it, he wanted to know. Was it because he had bumped into the  _ Devil  _ that night, or was it someone else? To him, it all felt  _ wrong  _ . He was developing a pounding headache.

He lightly put his hand on his forehead.   
“Yes, you’re right, I  _ am  _ stressed and you’re not helping,” Izaya decided, and Shinra’s eyebrows furrowed.    
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it worse. I really  _ do  _ want you to get better and I want to be your friend as well, that’s why I’m doing all this,” Shinra said, but Izaya doubted his words. What he meant to say, he was sure, was that he wanted Celty to have closure and, knowing Shinra, he wasn’t afraid to use their previous friendship as a bargaining chip. He wasn’t the sentimental type, so it wasn’t like it’d work, Shinra should have known better.   
“What a horribly twisted friend you are,” he said simply, massaging his forehead and taking a breath. He wasn’t certain why he was struggling to keep himself together.   
“I’m not twisted! We’re not going to get anywhere and you’re clearly stressed out, so let’s just change the subjecting,” Shinra decided,   
“Fine.”

“Is that all you wanted to say to me anyway?” If he left Izaya supposed he could sleep a while, he had nothing else to do, and thinking about everything was such a chore. “Nope. Like I said earlier, it isn’t about Celty,” he said. He wondered why on Earth he brought her up then, until he remembered how absolutely obsessive he was. He found that type of love disgusting, not that he was too interested in any kind personally. He could barely believe he fed into his friend’s interest in beasts and therefore converted him to their side, but, back then he was simply a foolish human like everyone else. He couldn’t relate to his past self at all and, in a sense, he loathed him. Maybe that’s why he killed off that version of himself a long time ago and was fueled by his regrets. He could be considered the blood sacrifice for the man that sat there now.   
“What else would you need to talk to me about?” he asked, watching the movements of the doctor carefully as he stood, walking to the other side of the room.    
“It’s not that  _ I  _ need to talk to you, I just want to. I didn’t lie when I said I wanted to catch up, but I’m also curious about something,” he said, adjusting his glasses. Izaya found Shinra’s claims to affection wholly unconvincing, yet, more importantly, he found Shinra’s curiosity concerning. If he had to describe the man, if he could still even call him that, he’d describe him as a problem solver, often in an underhanded way, rather than curious. He only embedded himself into issues to fix them, along with being observant in his own right. That being said, he usually only used these skills for Celty and was content playing the role of a lovesick idiot for the rest of his life. So, if he was genuinely curious about something, it meant said something deeply fascinated him, and that was the sort of attention Izaya enjoyed the  _ least  _ . Shallow curiosity didn’t bother him, he didn’t mind the honest questions he’d never answer or miserable attempts to understand his character, in fact, in a way, he found that cute. Becoming the accused while letting someone else be his judge, however, he  _ despised _ . 

“Oh?” he asked, his eyes narrowing and expression darkening. Shinra didn’t look to receive it, staring at the wall.   
“Throughout all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never stopped an analysis on anyone before. They could cry, yell, or scream for you to stop, but you’d push them to their very limits every time. It’d have to take someone getting seriously injured or someone butting in for you to take a step back,” he began and Izaya knew exactly where he was taking this, but it meant nothing to him. He had a reason for it just like everything else, he was playing a waiting game, that was all. Masaomi was difficult, the God thought, you have to learn to follow his moods and changing emotions to gain his trust. Trust was the necessary ingredient in his plan, he told himself, that was the only reason he had been so gentle. Flick the lighter until it ignites, and anyone that tried to douse the flame could suffer the consequences. He wasn’t very patient with those that got in his way. “Yet, with Masaomi, when he started crying you just stopped. It was as if you were frozen, you couldn’t really process it. You looked all confused then immediately switched sides. So, I can’t help but just wonder, why?” I know what I’m doing, he kept telling himself. This was fine.   
“Is any of that really new for me? I switch sides all the time. I’ll tell someone one thing, then tell another something entirely different and watch the chaos ensue. At the time I was pissed off at you, so I faked kindness as an excuse to punch you in the gut. That’s all,” he said with a shrug.    
“Yeah but, you usually only pretend to be nice around people that don’t know any better. I suppose, with the way Masaomi feels, maybe he gives into that type of thing more quickly but I don’t know. He acts as if you suddenly started being nicer, what caused that change?” he admitted, finally looking back over. Izaya laughed in disbelief. He thought, when did Shinra become so high and mighty and involved in his life? Believing he could just ask about the man’s plans as he did, ridiculing his actions, it was ridiculous! He was sure those  _ monsters  _ had an effect on him. His cold blood started to boil and this realization only made him all the more ticked.    
  


“Why do you care so much? Frankly, my plans are none of your concern and it has nothing to do with Celty,” he said irritably.    
“I know. I was just thinking, despite knowing you for so long, I only understand the reasons you do some things, so when something new or unusual pops up, I can’t help but be curious.” The doctor spoke in a soothing voice, as if to try to calm the man, but his mind couldn’t be changed.   
“Yeah well, keep it to yourself,” he shot back and Shinra laughed.    
“For someone who usually just laughs or scoffs at this sort of thing, you’re getting pretty riled up,” he pointed out. “If it’s that important to you though, I’ll try not to butt in.” Izaya was honestly surprised he gave up so easily. He kept thinking he was up to something and didn’t fully understand why Shinra had become so threatening to him. Shinra had never truly frightened him, now he felt terribly sensitive. The PTSD was probably clinging to him as a leech, taking away all his energy. He was extremely disappointed he hadn’t managed to shake it off by now. Despite understanding how it functioned and why it was there, it constantly haunted him. It was a weakness he simply couldn’t disguise. Yet, another thought came to him and it gave him pause.

“You’re exactly right. I wouldn’t usually have an outburst nor did I intend to. _ I’m tired _ ,” he finally confessed, putting his head in his hand, which may have been the doctor’s plan the whole time. Something was the matter with him, he knew that much, though he couldn’t pinpoint it.   
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you so much. But this is exactly the reason I want things to settle down and learn more about you. If I’m being honest, I feel pretty bad for blowing you off before. I guess I was sort of hoping that, since everything is all broken, we could start from scratch. It’s just complicated for me since Celty means  _ everything  _ to me and you hurt her pretty badly,” he explained. His eyes widened and he looked up in alarm. He had no idea what Shinra was blabbering on about or why.    
“Start from  _ scratch _ ?  **_Scratch_ ** _! _ ” he said in utter disbelief. The concept was physically impossible, to start from scratch that  _ monster  _ would have to be prevented from ever being born. Just thinking about him made Izaya’s body tremble and he wanted so badly to run. Shinra had chosen  _ that  _ over him time and time again, and Izaya almost being murdered hadn’t changed that in the least. That  _ thing  _ had attacked him first. Saying he “blew off” Izaya was an extreme under exaggeration. Shinra had his chance many years ago and was never interested in fixing things, Izaya found it insulting he thought he could just so quickly sweep this mess under the rug as if it was some petty argument. For him, it was too hollow and too late. 

  
“No? Okay, well, at least I tried!” he said optimistically.    
“You gave up so easily, I’m not sure if I should be relieved or insulted,” Izaya said, perking up slightly. He knew Shinra was going to leave, he always left when he hit a wall, that’s just how he was.    
“Oh, I’m not giving up. I’m just putting it on hold for now so you can rest. Try to get to sleep as soon as I leave, alright? Ask for earplugs if you need them, just rest. Drink plenty of water and oh, eat all of your breakfast next time,” he said nonchalantly. Izaya stared after him as he headed to the door. “I’m going to ask you again tomorrow! Do you remember that? Get better soon.” He finally left and Izaya let himself breathe, trying to settle the conflicting thoughts in his head. He rarely was overcome by them, filing them in their respective places for later dates, but, lately, they’ve run wild without his consent. After a lot of effort, they quieted and he grimaced. 

“Idiot, no matter how many times you ask it’s not going to change my answer.” Then, as his thoughts gravitated to the young man, he couldn’t help but begin to wonder if some plans were best executed from a distance. It wasn’t as if he had any obligation to keep him around and, honestly, he didn’t owe anything to a  _ creature  _ such as Celty. He smiled. Yes, the plan was formulating in his head much easier than any of the others. In cliche terms, it was just meant to be and he loved that. Now, just to preserve his energy for it...


	16. The Ensnared Fumes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beginning of the Rigged Canister arc. Masaomi escapes the hospital with Izaya, retreating to one of his safe houses. There, he catches up with Namie and, safe from the danger, explores his scattered thoughts. He is unsure if he made the right choices and his feelings may not be as simple as he previously suspected.

One of the nurses had “put us to bed” and the hospital was _bone-chillingly_ dark and _deathly_ quiet. We were both sitting up in our designated beds and Izaya had just told me his plan, which had me shell-shocked.

“What do you _mean_ jump out the window?” I forced myself to whisper despite my intense alarm. “Do you want to _break_ your legs or _squash_ us both, is that it? Was this day so _downright dreadful_ that you’ve tricked me into a _suicide pact_?” He grinned wickedly, teeth shining in the moonlight coming from the window, blinds pulled to the side.

“Why are you suddenly so talkative when you’re supposed to be quiet?” he replied softly, having to bite back a laugh.

“Just answer the question,” I said in an agitated voice.

“Stop being so turbulent, I’ve made similar jumps before. I’m not going to die young.”

“ _How_?”

“I simply have to make my way down slowly. I’ll land on a few things, I’m not jumping straight down. There’s another building right there, and a streetlight,” he explained.

“What if you miss? You’ll be carrying me too, have you accounted for that?” I asked pointedly. 

“Of course I have!” he yell-whispered. “Would you just trust me?” I sighed. Did I have a death wish?

“ _Fine_ , but if we die I’m going to find some way to haunt your ghost.”

“A ghost can’t haunt another ghost, that concept is ludicrous,” he said.

“I thought you didn’t belie... Just get dressed.”

He stood and I turned around in my bed so as not to look. He laughed quietly.

“I didn’t say you _had_ to turn around,” he observed and my cheeks flushed.

“Yeah well, I am, so shut it.” I heard the sound of fabric moving and, eventually, he tapped my shoulder. Thankfully, he was fully clothed and not just pranking me. He stared at me for a moment.

“Are you even comfortable with me enough to let me pick you up?” he wondered. My cheeks flushed.

“Would you just do it?” I said impatiently and he sighed, reaching under my legs and scoping me up. He opened the window and stuck his now booted foot on the sill. “Don’t scream, alright?” he said in that lurid voice of his and I nearly lept out of my own skin.

“Literally never say that to me in the middle of the night again.”

“Well, you think you’re going to die, so why worry about the future? Closing your eyes would probably be a good idea,” he said ominously and I stiffened. He waited for a fraction of a second, then jumped off. You know how, when you’re not supposed to do something, the temptation becomes even stronger? Despite knowing how terrifying it would be, I couldn’t help but look down. The ground arrived faster than I expected. We were falling, but it looked more as if it were rising, coming up to smack us right in the face. Two lonely thoughts occupied my mind: One, Izaya was going to shatter his legs, two, he might just drop me beforehand and whisk away happily into the night as my corpse lay there, rotting. I was only able to watch for a brief moment, my vision quickly becoming black and my body numb. All I knew was that the wind was blowing in my hair, the ground was steadily approaching, and I could no longer feel Izaya’s arms under me, leading me to assume I’d just been let go.

Before I fully regained consciousness, there was...something, though I had no idea if it was a dream or reality. My vision didn’t return, I only heard things distantly. What I heard was the sound of footsteps and the swishing of liquids, along with a small conversation.

“What’s gotten you so panicked? Shouldn’t you have predicted this would happen?” an apathetic female voice said and it sounded extremely familiar, though it had been a while since I heard it. 

“I’m _not_ panicked, I’ve simply made the _observation_ that he looks intensely pale,” Izaya’s voice retorted back irritably. I think I smiled weakly but I couldn’t feel it.

“He looks fine to me. I’ll revive him in a minute, it hasn’t been that long,” she said calmly, sounding as if she was rummaging through a bag. 

“Ow!” he exclaimed as I heard a slapping sound.

“If you try to help it will only take me longer. Just wait,” she scolded and I slipped away again. I think it was just a dream because, when I was revived later, Izaya was perfectly calm. Still, it reassured me at least.

My eyes pried themselves open as a strong-smelling cloth was put to my nose. My head pounded as I woke up, though it took a moment for my vision to clear. Two figures were looking down at me, kneeling over me. Izaya, who offered me a smirk and Namie, whose face was neutral, though her eyes softened. She looked exhausted and was in a messily put together outfit. Izaya probably called her in the middle of the night. 

“Welcome to the afterlife. Your wish has come true and now we’re haunting each other forever, I hope you’re happy” Izaya joked. 

“You can’t trick me with that,” I grumbled, throwing my fist up though not aiming at anything, movements sluggish. I almost sat up but she stopped me.

“Don’t sit up so soon, you could pass out again. Here, have some water,” she instructed me. She propped me up a bit so I wouldn’t choke and helped me drink it.

“Honestly, I tell you to close your eyes and, instead, the first thing you do is look down! Though I suppose I’m lucky I didn’t get puked on,” Izaya said then, with a wicked smile, “I’m certain passing out in my arms helped feed your weird obsession with me. So, how are you feeling? Appropriately infatuated?” There’s an appropriate amount of infatuation? I bet he wanted me to get all shy and embarrassed about it, but I felt too out of it.

“What on Earth are you going on about?” Namie murmured, rubbing at her tired eyes.

“Not really. My head’s spinning and, now that you mention it, I kind of _do_ feel like I might vomit,” I confessed and Namie stood, suddenly alert.

“I’ll get a trash can,” she said, shuffling off. 

“Awww,” he said in amusement. He went and leaned on the back of a sofa across from me, giving me some space. He seemed so high above me, like a king staring down at a peasant. Looking around, turning my head very carefully, there were sofas all around, black and leather, of course, except where a set of stairs were, and the area was sunk lower than the floor around it. The ground in the middle was carpeted and there was a nice but bare square coffee table. It was basically a conversation pit, deeper than the one at his main apartment. The lighting was low, yellow and orange in color, probably no light coming into the windows considering the late hour, which gave it more lounge vibes rather than homely ones. There was also a ceiling fan just above me and the ceiling wasn’t that high, so it was probably only one story. That surprised me a little, since I just assumed Izaya would go insane with limited space. It was a safe house though, so, I guess it was important it appeared normal. 

I glanced over at him as he smiled at me in extreme amusement at my grumbling. I squished up my face.

“Don’t look at me like that, I _will_ puke on you,” I scolded him, though not entirely harshly and he laughed. It felt as if I could be a little more critical of him, in fact, I think he wanted me to be.

“I just find your current expression entertaining. You look like that one person that insists on their bravery at a theme park, begging his friends to go on a scary ride. Then, despite apparently being the most confident one in the group, is the only one that couldn’t take it, so is now vomiting up his skittles and ridiculously sweet popcorn while his friends watch and laugh,” he said.

“That was an oddly specific compari...son,” I said, the sickness suddenly getting way worse, my stomach lurching.

Namie arrived just in time, placing the trash can down so I could roll over and immediately throwing up in it. Izaya made a face of disgust, though didn’t stop watching, which could either make him a masochist or a sadist really.

“Should we move him to the bed?” she asked.

“Oh God no, I’m not having him vomiting all over the room,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “He can sleep on the couch tonight, I’ll get him some blankets.” He headed off and Namie laughed.

“Night?” she muttered, mostly to herself. 

“E-er, it’s good to see you again, by the way, Namie. Thanks for the trash can,” I said awkwardly after I was done and she looked down at me. Damn, her eyes were as cold as ice!

“It’s good to see you too. Honestly, I didn’t expect you to still be with him. I was sure Izaya would have scared you away by the new year,” she said and I looked away shyly. For real, he almost had. 

“Yeah well…” I began, trailing off. What good reason did I have to be here anyway? I was so scared of losing Izaya that I just let him sweet talk me into being here. It wasn’t as if I had considered the safety it provided back then. She raised her eyebrow at me. “...I guess I don’t have many other places to go right now.”

“That’s fair,” she said, though she didn’t sound like she meant it, yawning and adjusting on her feet, as if trying to stay awake.

Izaya came back with a sheet and quilt, unfolding them at the end of the couch and dragging them over me, stopping just above my head and patting my now covered face. I let out a muffled groan and pulled them down, pouting at him.

“I don’t see why you’re complaining, that’s how you _usually_ sleep,” he commented and my cheeks flushed. Had he been watching me sleep?

“H-how do you know?” I asked accusingly.

“I occasionally work late, since you’re a heavy sleeper, and, back when you slept on the couch out of stubbornness, you were either curled up under the covers or hiding your face in the back of the couch. You were persistent on sleeping that way. Anytime I moved the blanket to make sure you weren’t suffocating or overheating yourself, you’d growl or whine at me, like an animal. It’s adorable~” he said mockingly and my face cheeks turned pinker. Wait, I never woke up like that though, did he find some way to calm me down or was it just a coincidence? Still, seeing that smug look on his face and imagining him watching and laughing at my sleeping form just...I wanted to punch him. Namie, sensing this, punched his shoulder. “Ouch, what was that for?” he questioned. 

“For being a creep. If this is all sorted out then, I’m going to bed,” she said, turning to face a hallway to the left. 

“Yes, I should be off too then,” he agreed, though, compared to us, he didn’t act tired at all. He turned off most of the lights in the living room, except a small lamp. “Goodnight, Masa~” Rather than returning the sentiment, I stuck my tongue out at him and he chuckled. Namie watched us for a moment, baffled, before sighing in defeat and going to her room.

“Night,” she mumbled, Izaya close following behind.

Once they were gone, the doors of their respective rooms opening and closing, I stared up at the ceiling. I acted more playful and confident but the truth was, it was a ruse to keep him liking me, to keep us friends, well, now that we were friends, apparently. That part of me and him knowing about it...honestly, it scared me. Physical intimacy was always something that upset me, and thinking of doing that sort of thing with someone like Izaya or even just thinking about him in that light made me feel that terror ten fold. Those sharp eyes saw _everything_ , I didn’t want them seeing me like _that_. I hid under my covers at the visual. Dammit, stupidly I wanted to care, but not like that! If he somehow convinced me to, what would I do? 

_“Does something? Like, convinces him into doing something sensitive and personal by pretending to share in his feelings or claiming it’s not a big deal? Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past him…”_ Shinra’s words kept echoing in my head, I replayed it over and over just to remind myself, just in case. Keep your head and don’t let your dumb feelings take hold, no matter what he says. I closed my eyes shut tightly to try to chase away the thoughts and images. I laid like that for hours until the intensity of the night got to me, forcing me to fall asleep out of necessity. 

I woke up sometime later, or, more of, what seemed like only seconds later, to see Izaya sitting down right in front of me, his nose only a few inches away from mine. I sat up in alarm, backing away, breathless. The sun was up outside, the light shining through the windows, but my vision was sort of blurry. I couldn’t make out much of the room beside this little area. Sitting up instantly was a bad idea.

“M-morning?” I said shyly and he grinned widely at me.

“Good morning, did I alarm you?” he asked in a mellow voice that made my whole face flush.

“A little…” I mumbled, pulling my knees up to my chest and he moved to sit down next to me. He positioned himself rather close to me despite my protests. I tried to scoot away from him, hitting the armrest of the couch. “W-what are you doing?”

“What do you _think_ I’m doing,” he asked, placing his hand on mine. My heart fluttered and I paused for a moment, then pulled away.

“W-wow, wait a second, you can’t just _do_ that,” I said. He chuckled.

“Why not? I just did,” he said.

“Okay _yeah_ , b-but we agreed we weren’t going to do anything,” I reminded him.

“I said I personally wasn’t going to do anything, and I’m not, but the path you take is entirely up to you. So,” he said, leaning his face towards mine, breathing lightly on my face, “What will you do?” My face brightened.

“I don’t want to…” I said, though I found my face gravitating towards his. I pulled away before our lips kissed, eyes widened. He smirked, tilting his head.

“Are you a masochist? What you want is right in front of you, ready for the taking, yet you won’t give in so much as touch it. You can’t hold out forever. Desires always catch up to you, _always_ . Whether you expect them to or not, feelings never go unrevealed, especially around **_me_ **. You may continue to try to stay on the straight and narrow, but a dark part of you will continuously want me. That hurts, it really does, doesn’t it? Instead of going the hard route and torturing yourself, it’d be easier to just…” he said, hand under my chin and I found myself leaning towards him, memorized by those ruby eyes. It was as if I was peeling out of myself, a darker version of me, all the negative energy inside of me in physical form, reaching out to him. My face almost touched his, my original body falling limp. No, it wasn’t a demon or something possessing me, it was just me...deep down. When did I get this bad? It was almost fully disconnected from my body when we both heard it and paused. It was the ringing of a cell phone, a very familiar ringtone, and there was a buzzing in my pocket. I stumbled back into myself, sitting up in alarm and he sighed. “And to think we were just getting to the enticing part. You should really learn to put your phone on silent,” he complained. 

I jolted awake, face heated, heart pounding out of my chest. Those kinds of dreams were probably to be expected, but still. I took a moment to settle before checking my phone. I could still practically feel that shadowy thing inside of me, sitting, waiting. Celty was calling. Oh Hell, she was probably freaked out because Izaya and I disappeared. She might think I’ve been kidnapped or something and is worrying herself sick. I should have texted or emailed her...anything!

“I’m such a dumbass,” I muttered quietly to myself then paused, remembering where I was. I should make sure Izaya isn’t around before answering this. I searched for him and finally got a look at the place. It had a few windows along the walls, all covered in blinds, creams walls that took on a more tan appearance due to the orangish lights, and dark wooden floors. A TV hung high on the wall beside me, the stand below it, containing the remote. As I moved on to look to the left of me, I swore I saw something out of the corner of my eye, but nothing was there. Instead, there was an extremely open main area that leaked into the bedroom hallway. Izaya’s desk was where it was back in his apartment, though Namie had her own separate desk here, which she was sitting at, not paying any attention to me. The pit was to the right of the desks, and an open kitchen was to the left of that on the same wall as the bedroom hall. This place actually had a dining table. It must have just been my imagination.

I finally answered the call, though I had no idea how I was supposed to communicate with her, considering. “H-hello?”

“Masaomi, you picked up!” a chipper male voice called.

“Shinra?”

“That’s right,” he said, then, “I’m so glad! We went to visit you and Izaya in the hospital this morning, but you were suddenly gone. We worried something had happened!” I was pretty sure Izaya hated both of their guts, so he would be pretty glad he left before they could visit again. 

“Yeah, that’s reasonable. Oh, I’m okay though! I’m really sorry, I probably should have warned you of that,” I said, tugging at my bangs nervously. Talking to him after he left me with Izaya was sort of uncomfortable.

“Well, knowing Izaya he probably sprung it on you. Where are you now then?” he asked and I grimaced. It’s not like I knew the exact location, but I should still keep it vague.

“Somewhere safe. It’s only for a while until things calm down,” I said.

“Ah gotcha,” he said then, a bit in the distance, “Ouch, ouch, I know Celty, I’ll ask, don’t worry.” I listened curiously. “Hey, Masaomi, you’re positive Izaya didn’t kidnap or pressure you into going, right?” I flinched back. Their opinion of him definitely wasn’t the best. Well, he did convince me, but.

“I-I’m sure. It’s probably for the best that I hang low for a while, anyway,” I said.

“You’re not saying that because Izaya is there, are you? Is he there? Can I talk to him?” I looked around.

“I don’t think s-” I cut myself off as I spotted Namie, who was subtly pointing behind me. I finally checked there, bending over backward only to see a familiar upside-down figure lounging on the armrest, unmoving as they rested. He grinned mischievously at me, wine colored eyes shining in a way, similar when you swish the liquid around in a glass. I was lost in them for a while, as if I was drowning, sinking further and further into the dark shades. The liquid steadily flowed into my lips, getting me drunk, the color filling my cheeks. Realizing how long I had been staring, I took in a startled inhale that started a coughing fit. How long had he just been sitting there? Oh crap, did he watch my whole inner monologue and everything? How did I explain what I just did! The colors of my cheeks turned up a notch, which I hadn’t thought was possible.

“Masaomi? Are you alright? Oh, you’re not getting sick again, are you?” Shinra asked, sounding highly concerned. It took me a while to stop coughing and Izaya put his hand on his mouth, stifling his laughter as much as possible.

“S-sorry, something just...shocked me.” 

“That’s one way to put it,” Namie muttered. He listened for a second.

“Did Izaya sneak up on you? I could have sworn I heard him snickering in the background,” he asked suspiciously. I looked at Izaya, biting my lip, who just looked back at me, not giving me any indication if I should tell him or not. 

“Maybe?” I said, which he took as confirmation.

“Great! Can you hand the phone over to him?” he asked, still sounding kind but in that scary sort of strained way. I swallowed, nodding though he couldn’t see it, and offered it to Izaya, holding it cautiously by the phone charm, as if I expected it to explode. Those two had such huge beef, was this even a good idea? He looked at me in questioning.

“It’s Shinra. Um, if you don’t wanna talk to him right now I can just…” I began and he scoffed at me, snatching the phone from my hand.

His face immediately became harsh and I couldn’t help but jump at the sudden shift.

“ **_What!_ **” he asked, putting both me and Namie on edge. She swallowed down all her snarky remarks.

“Izaya, you’re seriously starting to worry me!” Is all I could manage to hear as Izaya listened. His usually calm demeanor almost cracked immediately. He paced around like a caged animal as he listened to Shinra’s voice, his eyebrows bending down violently and his grip on the phone only tightening. He even started gritting his teeth, and I could hear Shinra reply, “Don’t do that, it’s not good for you!”, which clearly didn’t help, his body vibrating in anger. I could see in his eyes he was about to yell again and I didn’t think I could bear seeing that again. I constantly wanted to keep the calm before his storm, or storms, more accurately. Put the soothing clouds and warm breeze in a bottle I’d hold close to my chest forever. I loved them, I loved being friends, I loved the idea of, after everything he had done, my original optimistic view of him actually panning out. I wanted to stay in this weird limbo, the day, afternoon, minute, whatever, before he tried to manipulate me and before I broke. We could both be happy like that. I didn’t know that as I fact, I simply wanted it to be the case. Yet, I was a coward. I held all these things in. I just sat there forever, waiting for it to happen, burying the possibility in my mind until it inevitably popped up again.

“You-” he started to shout, the ache in his voice and rigidity of his body stabbing me in the heart. With that one word, my forever broke, my mouth just moving on its own.

“Izaya!” I interjected and he fell silent in shock, trembling eyes moving over to me. He looked so stressed, as if he could just start pulling out his hair at any minute, and, despite the fear I felt as he stared at me, I couldn’t help but smile kindly. “It’s okay,” I wanted to say, but I knew such emotional appeals wouldn’t stick with him.

I nervously held out my hand, indicating for the phone. He gave me a curious look then placed it in my palm, hand shaking and brushing mine, my chest warming at the brief touch. 

“Izaya! Are you still there?” I heard Shinra shouting and I furrowed my eyebrows. I was about to do something pretty mean to him and possibly Celty too, but enough was enough. If he asked, I’d just say it was my petty revenge against Shinra. I was mad at him, in a way. I couldn’t help but keep thinking, “if he just hadn’t left me there yesterday…” or “if he hadn’t made Izaya mad...” or “if he had just never mentioned lust…”. I was the type of coward that couldn’t help but blame other people for my own actions. Plus, how could he say all those things and just leave me with him? Before I could continue to overthink it, I swiped to end the call, glancing at the red screen, debating my actions, before looking back at him, still smiling, hoping to calm his nerves.

“Hey, if talking to Shinra really stresses you out that much, you shouldn’t talk to him. All that anger really isn’t good for you and Shinra will live. He can just hear from me instead, okay?” I proposed. If I could just keep the peace, maybe… I swore Izaya nodded slightly, his gloom for eyes showing letting in a few specks of light, but, when he waved his hand dismissively, I assumed it was nothing.

“You’re one to talk. You’re always talking to others and coming back worse for wear,” he teased, seemingly calming down, though he still shook. Namie sighed in relief. His comments hit me to my core. In this case, they all had a right to be critical of me or warn me, because they were all right. I just didn’t want to see it. 

"M-maybe. But they mean well and I never get that upset!" I insisted, though I could tell from his chuckle in reply and glittering eyes that he hardly believed me. _Did_ Shinra mean well?

“Not him,” Namie chimed in, speaking of Izaya, but he only gave her a light glare before addressing me. 

“If you say so,” he replied simply, heading over to his desk, arm placed on it, resting his chin in his hand. He was quiet, thinking to himself, mentally absent for longer than I was used to, then his eyes fell menacingly back on me. “More importantly, what on Earth were you dreaming about? It made you rather flustered.” I flinched, my face becoming red despite how hard I tried to hold my reaction in. I shuffled my feet nervously and chewed on my lip as I thought through how to respond. He already knew too much! There was no way I could tell him about the dream, if I did, he might try to replicate it, though he’d probably push for an answer. 

“I...it’s personal. I don’t want to talk about it,” I tried, pulling my good knee up to my chest and looking down, avoiding eye contact. 

“Oh? I wasn’t going to judge you for it. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t bother me, it _is_ only natural, after all,” he said in a mocking tone, clearly trying to rile me up with the implication it was, in fact, _not_ normal. I squirmed uncomfortably, refusing to respond and he reeled back, “But, if you don’t want to discuss it, that’s fine.” So he really was going to try to be friends...if only a little. My chest fluttered in relief and I grinned at him appreciatively.

“Thanks,” I said softly and he side-eyed me silently, biting down on his lip hard and finally using his computer, his focus shifting. I was starting to wonder more and more what Shinra said to him. What was his offer? It didn’t have anything to do with me, did it? Namie searched us both with her eyes, as if to find some sort of answer then, unsatisfied, went to the kitchen with an agitated click of her tongue.

A thick tension filled the room. I couldn’t help but worry about being around him, after all, he was just itching for a fight and I didn’t trust myself not to ruin this. If either of us so much as poked the other, we might accidentally clash. If only I could just retreat to my room. Wait…

“Crap!” I shouted out of the blue and they both turned to me in surprise. “We forgot my crutch!” Izaya smiled, looking at Namie, who was using the coffee machine, as if expecting her to do something. Namie looked back at him with the exact same energy, as if to say, “do it yourself!”. She grumbled when he didn’t give in, not surprising, and went over to one of the suitcases near the front door. A few suitcases and boxes sat there, she probably brought things over from his apartment. She opened it, revealing a crutch inside, handing it down to me. It took me a moment to process.

“Thank you so much, but um, _where_ did you get this from?” I asked, starting to suspect I might not really want the answer.

“I used to work in the medical business. I have a lot of leftover clutter I barely need,” she explained to my relief.

“Ah, gotcha. Well, at least it came in handy now!” I said optimistically and she smiled a little, going to get her finished coffee. The smell was so bitter it nearly made me gag.

The silence fell again and I played out my next actions in my head. I didn’t know how to ask which one was my room, plus, I wasn’t sure how he’d react to me going off. “U-um,” I began carefully and Namie looked up. Izaya didn’t, scrolling through something on his screen. After what happened yesterday, that made me uneasy. “I’m still not feeling the best, I might go lay down...which room is mine?” He sneered, finally peering over at me. I probably should have been concerned, but it reassured me.

“Why don’t you go explore and find out? It’ll be good physical therapy,” he said and I held back a groan. He didn’t want me to become hesitant to walk again, well, that’s fair. 

“He has a crutch and a leg cast, probably your fault, can’t you just tell him?” Namie said in annoyance, sitting on a stool next to the kitchen island. I stood, leaning on my crutch and hopping over to the steps, beginning my very difficult climb.

“That wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining. I’ll give him a hint though. Masaomi, I left a small present on your desk. It’s nothing big, but, considering you’ll be trapped here for a while, it’ll ease your boredom for a couple of hours at least. I hope you enjoy it,” he said, and it wasn’t as if anything he said was that suggestive, but the large smirk he had on his face and mischievous, sparkling eyes, just made my mind go to The Bad Place. Namie was also mildly concerned, giving him a look of questioning as she sipped her coffee. 

“Okay,” I squeaked, my voice sounding more confident in my head, which caused him to stop whatever he was doing, double-checking to see if he actually heard what he just heard, then broke out laughing. 

“I knew you were mousy, but I never knew you could act so downright timid! So distressed over a simple present. I wouldn’t get you anything _weird_ ,” he promised me, though it didn’t sound sincere at all. I hobbled to the hallway.

“For some reason, I don’t entirely believe you.”

“So suspicious,” he said. I made my way into the hall, staring at the doors, searching for any sort of hint. They weren’t marked or anything and all the doors were closed. “Oh, Masaomi, by the way,” he called and I jumped, “you can talk to your friends, just don’t tell them where you are. Well, you probably don’t know, do you? You suck at keeping secrets, so it’s a good thing you were passed out for the journey.”

“A-alright,” I agreed, looking back in his direction for a second, waiting to make sure he was done, before focusing back on the doors. There were four doors, wooden and well polished, all made out of wood with door handles rather than knobs. So, fancy, basically, like a hotel. It amazed me some people were lucky enough to live like this all the time.

My eyes leaped from door to door, considering. The first door to the left would be a decent start. I jangled the handle a bit, but it wouldn’t open. It was locked, right. Must be Izaya’s room. I tried the one next to it, nearly tripping a few times as I stumbled along. It opened and I peeked in. Nothing was on the desk and female clothes were left on the bed. Definitely not, must be Namie’s...I hoped. I then went to the one across from it. It was a nice though small bathroom decorated in a brownish orange. It was warm feeling, which I couldn’t help but be comforted by. This house definitely was a lot lighter than his apartment. Finally, I went to the door next to it, the first door on the right, praying this wasn’t all just some wild goose chase. My room might be the locked on for all I know. I opened the door but it hit something, which bounced back. I looked in, grinning as I saw the familiar white and puffy plush. 

“Cocoa!” I said happily, as if greeting an old friend, rushing over and, rather than picking them up as planned, tripping over them instead. I fell into the room and my crutch knocked against the door, closing it. Well, that was one way to make an entrance. I sat up, rubbing my throbbing leg until the pain settled, then picked up Cocoa, hugging them tightly. “I missed you so much!” I sat there for a while, resting and enjoying their uber-soft fur, before searching for the desk. A box was on it, half-opened and draped over the “gift” so I couldn’t see what it was right away. It was probably put together at the last minute, but it still felt like it could be anything. I got my crutch, forcing myself up, only standing for a second, quickly falling into the spinning chair. I was fortunate it didn’t keel over. I checked the desk, grey with some wooden parts, modern in design, for dust before setting Cocoa down, patting their head. I would never get their cushy little paws dirty.

I examined the box in dread, poking it, though that didn’t give me any information. Well, I at least knew there wasn’t something living inside. I took a deep breath, which got caught in my shaking throat. I’d just have to see what it was for myself. I mustered up all my courage then dramatically pulled it off, throwing it to the floor. Underneath it was...a _laptop_. It was small and white, clean, and in fairly good condition. I let out the breath I had been holding in relief. So, not what I expected...but. The realization came to me that he could very possibly have put tons of things on the laptop. There was a note on top and I read it: 

_I found this old laptop of mine and, since neither I or Namie needed it, I thought I’d give it to you. It’s cleared out and reset, so absolutely nothing is on it and I’m not monitoring anything either. The internet is yours to freely explore. Don’t get a virus,_

_\- Izaya_

I couldn’t help but feel like that was all a lie and what the heck kind of websites did he think I frequented? I gave the note to Cocoa and very slowly lifted the screen, glad when something didn’t suddenly start playing or anything, then clicked the power button. I swiped Cocoa off the desk and used them like a shield as I waited for it to boot up, Izaya’s note left on the desk. It took what seemed like centuries for it to finally load, asking for a new user. So, it was reset, he didn’t lie, unless he knew some way to hack it to seem like that.

I picked a picture of a golden retriever and tried writing in my full name. It didn’t fit. It became Masa. He definitely rigged that somehow! I sighed, just rolling with it and logging in without setting a password. It didn’t technically feel like my computer, so it'd be weird locking it. I waited, and waited, and waited, watching the circles go around and around and around. It opened up to a beautifully empty, generic desktop. Oh if the heart could sing! I sat on it for a while, just to see if anything strange would happen and I celebrated too early, but it was just normal. I smiled. It’d be good for me to have access to a computer again. It’d help me be more connected with the outside world. That made me remember what Izaya had said about my friends. I hadn’t properly caught up with Anri and Mikado after the incident really, and the phone call probably didn’t assure Celty at all. I should probably log in to the chat and just make sure they’re okay. I opened the web browser, typing in the familiar url, originally planning to save it to my desktop but deciding against it. I logged in and decided not to save my password, just in case. I really didn’t want Izaya getting into the chat, let alone using my handle, and he wouldn’t attempt to if he had no idea it existed. I should leave no traces behind. 

Mikado, Celty, and a new member were online. They were named Nakoudo, which meant matchmaker, and had a brown person icon with a hair bun. Definitely Erika, though the current chat confirmed it for me. I scrolled up and read the conversation.

**[Joō: Welcome!]**

**[Nakoudo: Omg omg I’m so excited! It’s been forever since I’ve been on one of these! \ (•◡•) /]**

**[Hisho: I’m glad you’re happy, but don’t overexert yourself.]**

**[Hisho: We can’t visit the hospital as much as we’d like so, so this should help out]**

Crap, that’s right, Erika was still in the hospital. I had forgotten since everyone else left. Would she be safe there? I mean, she had Walker, but still. It was weird Anri wasn’t online too. Please everyone, just be alright.

**[Nakoudo: You guys are so sweet! Oh, but I have no idea who everyone is so, I’ll just have to assume.]**

**[Hisho: Oh sorry, we forgot to email you that!]**

**[Hisho: Things have been pretty busy lately.]**

**[Nakoudo: It’s no problem, guessing is fun! Wait, that means almost any of you could be the Black Rider! This is so exciting! I still can’t believe they’re on this chat! ^.^]**

**[Joō: I guess we should all keep quiet and let you guess then lol.]**

I laughed a little, though nervously, messing with my bangs in thought. Maybe I could mention Erika to Celty, if she wasn’t mad at me for earlier. She’d know what to do better than I would.

**[Ōji has entered the chat]**

**[Nakoudo: Oooo more people! (｡◕‿◕｡)]**

**[Hisho: Hey man! It’s been so long!]**

**[Ōji: Heyo! It’s good to see everybody!]**

**[Ōji: Where’s Gādo?]**

**[Hisho: Oh, did you want to talk to her? She’s busy right now.]**

Busy? That seemed like it was a lie. Poor Anri, her and Erika went through so much, too much. I was about to ask him more when I pulled into a private chat with Celty. 

**< Joō: Thank goodness! He hung up, I was so worried!>**

**< Ōji: Yeah, I’m really sorry about that.>**

I grimaced guiltily. I wasn’t sure how to explain why I hung up, and I didn’t want to upset her.

**< Joō: Are you okay? He didn’t actually kidnap you, did he?>**

**< Ōji: Yeah, everything’s fine. We’re just hanging low for a while.>**

**< Joō: You’re positive? If you’re in any danger, physical, emotional, whatever, I’ll come to get you, no matter what.>**

I smiled to myself. Celty really was a true friend till the end.

**< Ōji: I really am okay. But thanks so much. For everything. I mean it.>**

**< Joō: Don’t mention it!>**

**< Joō: Whenever you need me, I’ll be here.>**

**< Ōji: You’re the best.>**

I didn’t deserve her. I frowned as I remembered. 

**< Ōji: Hey, sorry, random thought.>**

**< Ōji: Do you think Erika’s gonna be okay in the hospital?>**

**< Ōji: I mean, Aoba ** **_kidnapped_ ** **her. >**

**< Joō: You make a good point, but don’t worry.>**

**< Joō: I’ll make sure she stays safe. She’s our friend, after all.>**

**< Ōji: When we see each other again, remind me to hug you.>**

**< Joō: Sure thing! I’m looking forward to it.>**

I closed the private chat after our discussion ended. I couldn’t help but think things were going to be okay with someone like Celty on my side. If this all went up in smoke, she’d be there, right? How long would I last if things were this _tense_ already? My hands balled into fists. I wasn’t just going to give up now. Call me stubborn, ignorant, whatever.

**[Nakoudo: Hmmm, so who is this new person? I haven’t gotten enough info to know for sure.]**

**[Nakoudo: Ōji-san, please let me study you! You’re such a delightful mystery! ◉_◉]**

**[Ōji: Haha, you’re making me blush!]**

**[Ōji: But sure, just try to figure me out! Three bucks says you can’t!]**

**[Hisho: You’re giving it away so early.]**

**[Joō: They do have a pretty specific way of talking.]**

**[Ōji: Pfft, I’m not** **_that_ ** **obvious!]**

**[Hisho: You totally are.]**

**[Nakoudo: (¬‿¬)]**

Damn, Erika was pretty observant sometimes. Her, Mikado, and Anri would make a pretty scary trio. 

**[Ōji: ???]**

**[Ōji: Am I found out?]**

**[Ōji: Oh no, that message is so ominous. I’m spooked!]**

**[Nakoudo: Not yet, but I’m getting there, hehe (^▿^)**

**[Ōji: Thank goodness!]**

**[Nakoudo: Let’s see...you’re clearly a jokester, but also kind. >**

**[Nakoudo: So, a soft class clown! Probably a jock then too.]**

**[Hisho: That’s such a cliche.]**

**[Joō: Aw, soft class clown, that’s cute!]**

**[Joō: It’s a perfect descriptor.]**

**[Nakoudo: Am I right, am I right? (◉◡◉)]**

**[Ōji: Pretty much.]**

**[Ōji: I’m kind of basic.]**

**[Nakoudo: The basic ones always hide the most secrets ( ≖‿≖)]**

That emoji gave me the creeps. I wasn’t even going to try to understand what she was implying.

**[Ōji: Do you know who I am then?]**

**[Nakoudo: Yes! There is only one reasonable answer!]**

**[Ōji: Oh? Prove it!]**

**[Nakoudo: I have found you, my cane holding ninja! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕ﾉ)]**

**[Ōji: Dammit!]**

**[Ōji: Wait, I’m a ninja?]**

**[Nakoudo: Of course! You seem so innocent and then bam! You reveal your ✦special abilities✦!]**

**[Joō: Special abilities?]**

**[Hisho: Oji, have you been holding out on us?]**

**[Ōji: ...Maybe.]**

**[Joō: Do tell.]**

Ah damn, it’s not as if I’m creative or anything, at least, not as much as them. I’ll go with the cliche then.

**[Ōji: My cane totally has super-secret gadgets and stuff.]**

**[Nakoudo: Ooo, like what!? (⊙.⊙)]**

**[Hisho: Aren’t you the one that’s supposed to know all about this?]**

**[Nakoudo: Oopsies!]**

**[Ōji: It’s got like, rockets, and a sword hidden inside, but like…]**

**[Ōji: ...one of those electronic swords!]**

**[Ōji: And missiles!]**

More like it was stuck to me _forever_. I shook my head, rushing the thought away.

**[Joō: Wow!]**

**[Hisho: That sounds amazing!]**

**[Ōji: It is.]**

**[Nakoudo: Why do you all have superpowers while I don’t?]**

**[Nakoudo: (╥﹏╥)]**

**[Hisho: I don’t have any cool powers!]**

**[Nakoudo: At least not that we know of** **( >‿◠)]**

**[Hisho: Oh no?]**

I laughed and smiled, the upbeat mood falling as I realized; _none of them knew_ . The true scope of my feelings were a complete mystery to them, they weren’t there when everything got screwed up. They still saw the Masaomi from back at that carnival, likable, simple, not as corrupted. I wished I could walk in his shoes again, despite how horrible that night had been. Meanwhile, I just played along and joked around as if nothing was going on. It’s just like back then. I closed my computer, resting my chin on top of it as I stared at the white wall. It didn’t escape my thoughts that Izaya had previously handled this laptop. He flipped the lid open and once tapped on the keys I had just used. That thought made me giddy and it disgusted me. I kept wondering “seriously, why am I here?” but, at the same time, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Is this what lust is? No, I didn’t even want to use that word. I peered around the room and spotted a window. I desperately needed the fresh air, I kept feeling like I was breathless. I limped over, struggling with the window for a while and eventually opening it, letting the cold, fresh air and sunshine hit my face and stream into my nostrils. I plopped down on the bed and leaned against the wall, trying to center myself, but it felt like trying to place something in the middle of an imperfect circle. What constant could I grasp onto when it felt like _I_ was changing drastically all the time? I was learning so many new things about myself I had never known before and it never felt quite right or I just would have preferred if it stayed in the dark. My mind was shattering like glass and I didn’t know how to fix it or if I could in the first place. Still, I refused to run. I was a lamb waiting for the slaughter completely willingly.

There was a knock on my door and I jumped a little. It had been so quiet.

“Yeah?” I called and the door opened, Namie leaning in.

“I’ve made lunch if you’re hungry. It’s a beef rice bowl,” she explained and I smiled at her politely. 

“Okay, t-thank you,” I said, standing up shakily. Eating might calm me down. She stood in front of the door, keeping it open for me as I walked out, closing the window before leaving. She looked as if she wanted to say something but just kept quiet. As I went down the hall, my eyes stuck by the entrance, as if I expected to see the boogie man there or, more accurately, a more furious Izaya. 

“Don’t worry, you can sit next to me,” she said. When we arrived Izaya was already sitting at the table, a bowl of the dish in front of him, smiling. He was acting as if his mood improved, but he still had that tense, ominous look. He looked at me and patted the seat next to him. I bit my lip, looking from Namie to him, eventually sitting next to Izaya due to his insistence. I leaned my crutch further down on the table.

“I don’t bite,” he assured me jokingly and I forced a small smile. I know he said my...condition didn’t bother him, but he acted as if something did, and it was either that or Shinra. Seriously, what had he offered to make Izaya so pissed? Namie got me and herself a bowl, passing it to me. It had rice on the bottom with a mixture of pork and noodles on the top, an orange sauce spread over it.

“Thanks.” She sat down across from us. 

“So, are you feeling better?” he asked me and I blinked. How did he...oh, that’s right, I said I wanted to lay down because I wasn’t feeling well.

“A b-bit,” I said, worried. Maybe he was just able to bounce back that quickly. 

“Good, we wouldn’t want you getting sick again,” he said. Namie and I watched him suspiciously as we ate. “Oh, what are those looks for?”

“That’s the look I usually give you,” Namie replied dryly. He laughed, then looked at me, which nearly made me choke.

“What about you, then? Did our conversation earlier ruffle your feathers,” he said and I shivered. There it is.

“Well, it’s sensitive, so…” I said quietly. He tilted his head.

“As I’ve told you before, I don’t plan to do anything with it. I friend-zoned you, remember? I just find it a curiosity is all. I enjoy these parts of people,” he explained and I blushed a little despite myself. 

Namie gasped in shock, rice getting stuck in her throat, coughing for a long time before speaking and dramatically standing, her chair falling over behind her. 

“ **_What!”_ ** she asked, mostly to me. 

“You see-” Izaya began.

“No, _you,_ shut it. _Mason_ , whatever, what _is_ he saying?” she asked. My face reddened.

“I-it’s embarrassing to talk about,” I said in a shaky voice. 

“Oh dear God, I leave you two alone for a few days and you fornicate like animals. Izaya, he hasn’t been with you for _that_ long, can’t you show some restraint?” She rubbed her forehead. The redness from my face traveled to my ears and neck. Izaya was calm, as always.

“That’s not what we meant!” I shouted instantly. 

“Your opinion of me has always been so lowly. What do you take me for, a serial seducer?” he asked her, smiling in amusement. 

“I take you as someone who completely lacks control and _him_ ,” she pointed at me, “as someone that doesn’t know any better. Now fess up, what sort of deranged stunt did you pull?” she asked. 

“I never touched him,” he promised. She scowled, then walked over to me, smelling my arm.

“Hey!” I said in alarm and her frown worsened.

“He smells like you!” she said, pointing at him accusingly. 

“We’ve shared jackets and _other_ things. We’re friends, is that so odd?” he said with a shrug.

She turned her intense gaze to me.

“What did he do? You can tell me, I blame _him_ entirely.”

“N-n-nothing like that! I swear, we’re completely _platonic_ ,” I assured her. She seemed uncertain. 

“Then _why_ do you keep blushing and _why_ does he keep talking about you as if you _should_ be _attracted_ to him?” My face felt like it was burning.

“Well, you see…”

“Masaomi has taken a bite from the forbidden tree, one might say. The poor single young man craves physical affection and this desire has fallen on me. Though, as I said, I haven’t done anything with it and don’t plan to,” Izaya butted in. She stared, dumbfounded, blinking as Izaya’s words cycled through her mind, then burst out laughing, causing us both to jump back in surprise. 

He raised his eyebrow at her.

“Do you find this amusing?” he asked. It took her a moment to be able to speak, holding her hand up to indicate for us to wait before doing so.

“Him...sexually attracted...to _you_ ? Just like that, without you even doing _anything_?” she said, the words causing her to laugh more. “Don’t be absurd!” His eyes shot at her like daggers, but she didn’t care.

“What do you know?” he uttered.

“Wait, hold on, I’m confused. Didn’t you imply we er...slept together?” I chimed in, blinking as I tried to sort this all out in my head. 

“I thought he had made some emotional appeal to you, convinced you into it, and was now acting petty over it, but _this_? Oh my God!” She was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes, having to brush them aside. When she calmed down, taking a few breaths, she patted me on the head. “You two don’t understand the first thing when it comes to affection.” Despite her words, my tense body relaxed. She was probably right, since that didn’t clear up my confusion at all but, just one having one person around that didn’t see me as lustful helped.

“You say that as if _you_ do,” Izaya replied bitingly.

“I at least know more than you,” she snapped back, to which Izaya had no reply but a simple annoyed glance as she finally sat back down. She moved her bowl and chair over to the end of the table so she could sit closer to me.

“So, you’re not worried anymore?” I wondered and she shook her head.

“Not really. You both are clearly too boneheaded to do anything of the sort,” she said, eating some of her rice. More like boneheaded enough to be tempted to.

“That’s so mean!” I said, playfully offended.

“Especially that one,” she joked, pointing her spoon at Izaya.

“What? Just a couple of minutes ago you were accusing me of initiating it! You make _no sense_ ,” Izaya whined.

“I forgot that, despite the fact you act all clever, in reality, you have a brain the size of a _pea_ ,” she said and I was just about to eat some pork and noodles but paused at that insult, the food falling off my fork. I looked to Izaya for his response. I had never heard anyone call him dumb. He just chuckled.

“Harsh! Well, whatever, as long as you don’t accuse me of anything, it doesn’t really matter what you think,” he decided, smiling widely. 

“That hardly makes your hands clean,” Namie murmured through mouthfuls of rice, but he seemed satisfied with this resolution and wasn’t letting anyone take it away. It became quiet and my thoughts filled the empty space. I wished Namie was right, well, maybe she was right. Was there more than just love and lust? An in-between, or several levels? What level did I fall on? Was physical attraction and lust different?

I went back to my food, picking at it, having only eaten a few bites. Izaya leaned forward, studying me.

“Really, what’s wrong? First, you suddenly go to lay down and now you’ve hardly touched your food. You usually eat everything so quickly,” he observed, causing me to look up at him. I didn’t think he cared that much.

“I guess I just don’t feel well,” I admitted, looking away, letting my bangs fall in my face. They were skillfully swept away before I could properly react, spoon and fork in my hands falling to the table. My heart nearly leaped out of my chest as he stuck the back of his hand on my forehead, feeling for a temperature. I stayed as still as I could possibly manage. When he didn’t find one, he pulled away, frowning.

“You probably made him lose his appetite,” Namie scolded him.

“That doesn’t explain earlier. Unless…” he said, eyes shifting in thought. 

“U-unless?” I asked nervously and he smiled.

“Nevermind. You’re probably just exhausted from everything that’s happened. After all, nearly _dying_ and _fainting_ causes a lot of stress. When you’ve eaten, you should take a nap,” he said, and butterflies danced in my stomach.

“I’m not very hungry, though,” I said quietly, placing my hand on my irritated stomach.

“You don’t have to eat _all_ of it, just, more than crumbs. Half at least,” he said, indicating this with his hand.

“ _Half_! T-that’s so much. I’m not sure I can. Maybe I can try to eat again later,” I said, about to get up, but Izaya put his foot on one of the back legs of my chair. For real, when did he care so much? 

“Just try. If you keep having to force yourself, I’ll let you go,” he said, refusing to remove his foot until I picked up my utensils. 

“F-fine,” I grumbled in annoyance, yet, in reality, it made me happy. I began to down half carefully, starting out with small pieces. Izaya made sure I kept going, not even touching his bowl. I had started to notice he rarely finished his meals. Back at his apartment, plates of half eaten food would be left on his desk all the time, and he hadn’t finished his breakfast at the hospital either. No wonder he was so skinny, I hoped he wasn’t getting into the habit of eating less and less. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Only if you do,” he said easily, his stubborn streak continuing. Two threats within the span of a couple of minutes, why was he so eager for me to eat? It didn’t seem as if he was worried about Shinra’s wrath anymore, so. I got more confident as I continued on and didn’t become nauseous or anything. Passing the hurdle of taking my first few bites, I ate the whole thing. Food always comforted me, so, in this circumstance, I couldn’t help but keep eating. 

“See? That went much better than I expected. When you just kept going and going, I was waiting for you to start blowing chunks, but, you seem just fine. Either you were overexaggerating or Namie’s cooking isn’t all that great,” he rambled. 

“Yours is barely any better,” she retorted. I ignored this and gave him a look, motioning to his bowl. He raised his eyebrows at me but picked up a fork, taking a small portion and eating it. “Does that reassure you? I’ll eat the rest of it, I promise. You can go and rest,” he said, shooing me off, but I shook my head.

“I can nap later and I’d rather wait for my stomach to settle,” I half lied, resting my head on the table, waiting for him to continue. We stared at each other for a bit, Izaya looking peeved, that not discouraging me, but, in the end, he did go back to eating. Namie watched this all go down in interest, having finished her meal before both of us, sucking the sauce off her spoon. I didn’t watch him the entire time though, that’d just be unsettling and he always paused when I looked for too long. Instead, when I wasn’t shooting him glances, I peered out the kitchen window at the softly descending snow. It was gathering in the small backyard, shining in the sunlight. My anxiety steadily melted away as things stayed peacefully hushed. He took longer than me to finish, yet I waited and he did. He dropped his spoon in his bowl triumphantly, stretching. “I have no idea why you insisted on watching me eat, but there you have it! Are you satisfied? You _must_ have some kind of food fetish, why else would you do something so tedious?” he said, eyeing me. 

_“Maybe because I care, dumbass,”_ I thought but no, I couldn’t say that.

“Hm, who knows,” I said, grabbing my crutch and forcing myself to stand. When my anxiety died down it had replaced itself with _exhaustion_. I honestly almost fell asleep at the table, listening to the clink of his spoon on the bowl. “I’m going to try to take a nap, then.”

“Oh, now that things are getting interesting you want to leave? I see how it is,” he mocked and I laughed faintly. 

“It’s not like _that_. You’re right, I’m feeling pretty tired, I think my body just needs rest,” I said. He nodded in agreement.

“We’ll talk to you later then,” he said and I nodded.

“Rest well,” Namie chimed in lazily, standing and gathering the dishes to be washed.

“Yeah, thanks,” I said, almost saying goodnight but, if the stove clock was accurate, it was only two am. So, instead, I offered them both a small, awkward smile and left. 

When I entered my room, I closed the door behind me, almost turning off the light before I spotted the laptop. I had stopped responding to the chat without logging out or saying anything, hopefully, it didn’t worry any of them. I hobbled over and lifted the lid, causing it to wake back up. As suspected, I had timed out. Most of the time, I think, I’d log back in briefly to explain what happened, just in case, but, right now I wasn’t sure I could stay awake for that long. In my state, I’d probably just make it worse. I considered it for a bit, then powered it down, turning off the light and finally allowing myself to collapse into bed. My worn and torn body sunk into the sheets desperately, straining muscles doing their best to loosen as my head hit the pillow. The only light that remained in the room came from the window and I pulled the blinds closed, making the room as dark as I possibly could and shoving my face in the pillow. I wanted to forget I was here, I wanted to forget everything Izaya had done and everything Shinra and Namie said. None of it made sense, apart or together. Why did he...no, now wasn’t the time. I closed my eyes. If I just drifted off for the rest of today, maybe it’d all be more manageable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since not everyone is aware, I also have certain scenes written out in Izaya's perspective. The one pertaining to this chapter is here https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775478/chapters/70984098 but I have others there as well. Thanks so much for sticking with this series!


	17. Setting The Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Izaya picks up the phone, Masaomi surprises him once more. Why does he have so much power over him?

He knew the moment he snatched the phone he’d be enraged, yet he did it anyway.   
“Izaya, you’re seriously starting to worry me! Running away from the hospital in the state you’re in...where’s your mind? Where’s the logic? Tell me, I’m listening,” Shinra’s voice said over the phone, slowly softening as he spoke and it drove the info broker ballistic. He paced, needing an outlet for his intense energy. When did he suddenly need all this  _ gentleness  _ or to be  _ babysat _ ? It wasn’t as if he was mentally or physically broken. He had one PTSD attack and now everyone was trying to give him a handout, restore the damaged piece in his pottery. They were wasting their time, he thought. He  _ wasn’t  _ broken. He gritted his teeth, which alarmed both Shinra and Masaomi. “Don’t do that, it’s not good for you! Just take a deep breath and start from the beginning. Why did you leave?” His whole body was shaking in anger. To him, it seemed as if Shinra expected him to make some heartbreaking confession. Something along the lines of “I’m scared, help me,” or “I didn’t want to fix the problem,” both which were  _ terribly  _ false. “Were you worried a specific  _ someone  _ was going to visit you? They wouldn’t, I promise, we have a firm agreement.” Izaya was amazed that he of all people would make such a promise. He used to trust him as a friend not to put him in any immediate danger, after all, that’s just what friends do, isn’t it? But no, he had to introduce him to that  _ monster  _ and his life was a living Hell for it.   
“You-”

  
“Izaya!” Masaomi suddenly cut in, immediately making the man fall silent. He looked over to the young man that sat there, offering that sugary sweet grin Izaya had become far too accustomed to. He stared, he toned Shinra out as he blabbered on in his ear. He couldn’t help himself. Whenever he spoke or acted, Izaya wanted to watch. The anticipation as he waited to see what he was about to do thrilled him every single time! He was a drug and Izaya was an unwilling addict. He held his hand out tenderly for the phone and Izaya placed it in his palm, handshaking yet settling slightly at the brief touch of their fingers.    
“Izaya! Are you still there?” they could hear Shinra’s voice rattling on, but neither cared. Masaomi delicately took a finger and swiped to end the call. Izaya’s eyes widened in slight alarm as he looked at the red “ended call” screen. He had never predicted he’d act out against a friend, if anything, he was always loyal to them to a fault, so why? He looked back up at his face that still held that smile.   
“Hey, if talking to Shinra really stresses you out that much, you shouldn’t talk to him. All that anger really isn’t good for you and Shinra will live. He can just hear from me instead, okay?” he asked and he almost found himself nodding until he pulled himself out of his trance, waving his hand dismissively. What was wrong with him? Izaya didn’t know. It was as if he was subconsciously giving Masaomi control every once in a while, when he wasn’t being vigilant with his thoughts. Honestly, he was a wonderfully dressed mess. He convinced himself it was fine and smiled, after all, he had a stricter handling on himself than Masaomi did over himself, the human cursed with a wide variety of emotions. He managed to be a million combinations of colors all at once, rageful red, jubilant yellow, and sorrowful blue colliding and flooding together, though never fully mixing. That must give him some advantage and, after all, he couldn’t help but want to stain his hands with all those vibrant shades.

“You’re one to talk. You’re always talking to others and coming back worse for wear,” he teased. Namie, a nearby human he somehow forgot, sighed in relief at his lighter mood. He didn’t look over at her, eyes trapped on that sparkler of a young man. He could tell by Masaomi’s expression that he might have hit too close to home.   
"M-maybe. But they mean well and I never get that upset!" Masaomi insisted. He doubted that. He noticed his red eyes last night when he returned to the hospital. In his mind, either he, Celty, or Shinra made him cry. He had cried in the middle of the night too, so twice in one day, he yelled at him even with this knowledge. Shinra had no idea what he was talking about, framing him as soft. Yet he still called them his friends. How ridiculously loyal of him. Still, it made him  _ grin  _ . He chuckled, even, perhaps almost in pity or frustration.    
“Not him,” Namie chimed in and he finally managed to look away, offering her a light glare before addressing Masaomi.   
“If you say so,” he replied simply, going over and sitting at his desk, almost hoping the distance would make this feeling inside of him subside. He rested his arm on the table and his chin in his palm as he thought. If the man was being honest, he hated the idea of being so easily forgiven by anyone, it caused him to lose his power. If someone so easily decides to forgive and forget, such as Shinra, who couldn’t be bothered no matter how much Izaya screamed or snarled, then offenses became meaningless and he could hardly use them. Masaomi was slowly starting to fall in that category and the now vulnerable man despised it. It was for this very reason that he couldn’t chase him away that night, and the man hated himself for giving up back then. Why, why had the fact the male bit back make him so  **_elated_ ** _?_ When was he ever happy that a plan failed? To the male, Masaomi was poisoning the well of his mind and breaking him at the seams. Izaya couldn’t help but wonder when a human had so much force over him or if it was entirely his fault, if he was handing over this power for some unknown reason. Have they just been chipping away from their God all these years? It would be just like humanity to rebel, but no, this toxic human didn’t even want that! 

Yes, worst of all, was the fact he didn’t realize at all! He could keep smiling, laughing, living comfortably by his side without realizing how much he was draining the man at all. Hell, he even occasionally feared him despite his alarming lack of control. He was handed the key to the heavens and he didn’t have a clue! Just thinking about it put his nerves on edge and made him irrationally emotional, so he forced it down. No that isn’t the case, he decided, there was one thing he had control of, could bend and manipulate that Masaomi couldn’t get a grasp on, no matter how hard he tried. After all, he was someone who constantly hated his own desires, the ones the God adored. “More importantly, what on Earth were you dreaming about? It made you rather flustered,” he said, smirking widely and Masaomi flinched, his face shamefully turning fuchsia. That was another thing Izaya was beginning to favor. Despite being someone that tried to live for everyone else, he was so dreadful at hiding his longings. Though Masaomi didn’t smile about it, he refused to ever take pleasure in his own yearnings, unlike the man, and that made him terribly curious. Instead, he pensively shuffled his feet and chewed on his lip. Izaya paused to watch him curiously. He couldn’t help but think his theory about him being sex-repulsed held some ground. 

  
“I...it’s personal. I don’t want to talk about it,” he decided, pulling his good knee up to his chest and peering down solemnly, bangs falling over his face. That was fine, he didn’t need the answer when he already knew so clearly.   
“Oh? I wasn’t going to judge you for it. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t bother me, it  _ is  _ only natural, after all,” he said, lashing out in a small manner, as if to attempt to wind himself up. He kept telling himself he needed to push the young man, break the sword before it inevitably stabbed him. Yet, when he saw him squirm uncomfortably, he just couldn’t force it. The flame inside him was instantly extinguished. “But, if you don’t want to discuss it, that’s fine.” Masaomi would truly be the  **_death_ ** of him. Masaomi smiled, more fully than he had earlier.   
“Thanks,” he said and the genuine appreciation in his voice nearly made Izaya shiver. He bit back his response, pressing down hard on his lip with his teeth, swallowing it deep down, and focusing on his computer. Leave it as fuel for later, fuel he desperately needed. The room fell deathly silent.

He kept telling himself he just had to get to the same point he was at the hospital, build up his tolerance to the young man’s charms and finally break loose. Just because you enjoy him  _ especially  _ as a human doesn’t mean you have to  **_succumb_ ** to him, he told himself. He had never fallen into the trap of a human before, he had never thought to treat anyone as special, pick them out from the crowd like a jewel among disposable waste, and he always respected this about himself. He would fight desperately to get it back, he had to. Yet, this scenario felt  _ different _ . So intensely and suddenly had he tumbled that he’d have to break all the bones in his body just to escape. Reassembling himself would be an awful pain, he wished he didn’t have to do it, but now was the time for last resorts. He needed another spark, something to remind him of why he started and what drove him. A strong enough glue that Masaomi couldn’t dissolve.  _ Seriously _ , what was wrong with him? He had spent several sleepless nights, unbeknownst to Namie or the destructive young man, trying to dissect himself. He planned to, upon finding the problem, hit it where it hurt. That’s how he stayed so restrained most of the time, unless he was allowing himself an appropriate burst of enthusiasm thanks to his lovely humanity. His plans, a second time, crumbled in his befouled fingers. He hadn’t found anything but a messed up bunch of thread he couldn’t unknot no matter how hard he tried. Anything he did only made it worse! Masaomi certainly had influence over him, being able to shuffle things up so terribly without him noticing. In a  _ way _ , a very small way, it  **annoyed** him, in  _ another  _ way, a bigger way, it  **terrified** him.


	18. Releasing The Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masaomi wakes up in the middle of the night, struggling to comprehend the situation around him. He may find he isn’t the only one up and pondering. As the conflict starts to reach its climax, he may find he is the center of the storm. No, the hurricane.

“It’s been so long since we’ve hung out like this,” Mikado said, wearing that old, stupid grin on his face. I never thought I’d see it again and its reappearance comforted me

“Yeah, things have been so busy lately, we haven’t really had the time to talk,” Anri agreed, smiling softly. I couldn’t help but beam back at them. I felt so at home with them, so safe. I pulled them both into a side hug. 

“I missed you guys!” I said, giving them both a little squeeze. Anri blushed and Mikado laughed. 

“Sit down already,” he joked. We were at a restaurant for dinner and sat down at a booth, Anri and Mikado across from me. Obviously, I couldn’t get in between those two. We were greeted by the waiter and ordered our drinks.

“So, what have you two  _ love birds _ been up to?” I teased and both of their faces turned red. 

“U-um,” Anri said.

“N-nothing like that, we swear!” Mikado assured me and I laughed. 

“I was only messing with you. Knowing you two, you’ve probably just been busy studying your butts off,” I said. She nodded.

“School’s been pretty difficult, so, sorry for being so busy all the time,” she said, bowing her head.

“It’s no problem at all!” I assured her. They both smiled appreciatively. 

“On the bright side, we only have this year left before graduation,” he said.

“Yeah…” I said, frowning, remembering the fact I’d never graduate high school. It was as if I screwed up my whole life really. Anri and Mikado exchanged glances.

“Hey, listen, we know you won’t be graduating with us, but, we hope you still come to the ceremony,” Mikado said.

“It wouldn’t be the same without you,” Anri chimed in. I smiled.

“Aw, thanks, guys. I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” I said and they giggled. 

“Promise?” she asked, holding out her pinky finger and I chuckled, connecting it with mine.

“Promise.” Mikado placed his hand on ours affectionately, giving them a small squeeze. If only we could smile like this  _ forever _ .

I woke up with tears in my eyes, which I immediately opened. It took me a second to come back to reality, the dream still so clearly in my head. I could practically feel Mikado’s hand on mine. I stared into the pitch dark, feeling the bed underneath me. That’s right, I wasn’t with them right now and things were far from peaceful. I was stuck at one of Izaya’s safe houses, which seemed like it was miles away from them, and things were far from peaceful. We weren’t those giddy high schoolers anymore, nor had we managed to go back to that quiet life. Mikado was _mentally screwed_ , I was slowly _going down the_ _drain_ , and Anri would probably _suffer_ for it. Why she put up with us I had no clue. I wanted to go back to those lazy high school days before everything got screwed up, I wanted to be _normal_ again. Heck, a part of me wishes I never came to this city in the first place. Still, I was grateful I got into contact with Mikado again and had met Anri, Celty, and Erika, it just would have been nice if we had all met under nicer circumstances. I laid there for a bit, letting the tears run down my face and taking deep breaths before brushing past the curtains to check the time. I had expected to see the sun setting but it was completely dark outside. I hadn’t meant to _actually_ sleep all day, was my body that tired? 

I wondered if either of them were still up or if it had simply gotten dark early. I sat up slowly, rubbing my eyes and listening. I didn’t hear any chattering and the only sounds were the faint creaking of the house and the soft sound of a keyboard being typed on. The taps were gentle and precise, so I doubted it was Namie. She wailed on her keyboard. Either Izaya was up really late or Namie went to bed early, both would make sense. At least my body felt better, but that’s probably only because I hadn’t fully woken up yet. I stretched and lazily took out my phone, checking the time. It was 11 pm. Well, he  _ did  _ say he worked late sometimes. I scrolled through my emails for a while (mostly just spam, I gave my email way too willingly), before deciding to check the chat. Everyone was probably asleep, I mean, Anri and Mikado always went to bed super early, Celty was busy most of the time, and Erika was in the hospital, but, at least I’d get to see if I had worried them or not. I clicked on the app and logged in. What the heck, Mikado was still online. 

**[Ōji has entered the chat]**

  
  


**[Ōji: Dude, you’re still awake?]**

I was swiftly taken into a private chat.

**< Hisho: Yeah. Couldn’t sleep.>**

**< Ōji: Oh.>**

He was so upbeat in my dream, it took me a moment to adjust.

**< Hisho: What’s your excuse then? You’re still recovering you know.>**

**< Hisho: You shouldn’t push yourself too much.>**

**< Ōji: I just woke up from a nap, actually.>**

**< Ōji: I wasn’t feeling great, so. I ended up sleeping through the whole day.>**

**< Hisho: Oh wow! I’m sorry to hear that man.>**

**< Hisho: Do you think you’re getting sick again?>**

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, he’s probably anxious enough as it is if he can’t sleep. I wondered if that night haunted him too...

**< Ōji: I don’t have a temperature so.>**

**< Ōji: I just don’t feel that great.>**

**< Hisho: Your body might just need extra sleep because of your leg.>**

**< Hisho: What are your symptoms?>**

I laughed a little.

**< Ōji: Are you a doctor now?>**

**< Hisho: Oh shush.>**

**< Hisho: I know enough from stuff online and my own experiences.>**

**< Hisho: Tell me so I can help.>**

**< Ōji: Okay, okay.>**

He  _ would  _ look up medical advice online.

**< Ōji: Well, my chest keeps hurting.>**

**< Ōji: No, maybe “hurt” isn’t the right word? Idk, it feels weird.>**

**< Ōji: And I keep feeling breathless.>**

**< Ōji: I’m not very hungry either.>**

**< Hisho: Maybe it’s a chest cold?>**

**< Hisho: What do you mean “feels weird”.>**

**< Ōji: I had a chest cold before and it didn’t feel like this.>**

**< Ōji: It’s hard to describe? Like...butterflies, maybe?>**

**< Ōji: It’s off and on too.>**

It took a moment for him to reply.

**< Hisho: Do you feel this way around a specific person?>**

His question caught me off guard. 

**< Ōji: Oh um...Izaya, maybe? I’m not sure anymore.>**

**< Ōji: It doesn’t always happen when he’s around.>**

**< Hisho: But does it happen when you’re ** **_thinking_ ** **about him? >**

I blinked. What was he getting at?

**< Ōji: Maybe...>**

**< Hisho: That’s probably just your feelings then, or anxiety.>**

**< Hisho: Whichever one it is, I’m sorry it’s making you feel bad.>**

Should I tell him I had reconsidered what it was or would it be better not to bother him with all of that?

**< Ōji: Yeah. Anyway, what’s keeping you up?>**

**< Hisho: You’re so obvious, even over text.>**

**< Hisho: Don’t change the subject like that. What’s up?>**

I sighed. Why did I have to be surrounded by the most observant people in the world?

**< Ōji: It’s just, my feelings, I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately.>**

**< Ōji: I don’t think they’re what I originally thought.>**

**< Ōji: But I’m not sure what they are either.>**

**< Hisho: What changed?>**

**< Ōji: Why would I be in love with Izaya? It just doesn’t make sense.>**

**< Hisho: Does it not make sense or are you just ashamed of it?>**

His words sent a pang to my heart. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure anymore.

**< Ōji: I don’t know. I can’t think of any reason why I would be though.>**

**< Ōji: Physical attraction or something similar just seems more likely.>**

**< Hisho: Well, I don’t know what side of him you see exactly, so I can’t say much.>**

**< Hisho: I mean, it surprised me at first too but.>**

**< Hisho: Love can be strange.>**

Izaya’s voice echoed in my head,  _ “You’re ruled by your emotions and emotions can be wild and cruel! Emotions don’t follow rules, they can switch sides constantly or betray and mislead you.”  _ It felt like he was in my head all the time and I was a complete wreck for it.

**< Ōji: I just don’t get it at all and it’s stressing me out.>**

**< Hisho: Well, maybe you should think of reasons you’d be physically or emotionally attracted to him.>**

**< Hisho: Like, make a bullet list.>**

**< Ōji: But I have no idea what I’d put on either of them.>**

**< Hisho: Okay then. Forget about Izaya. What makes you attracted to a person in general?>**

I paused for a moment. The only person I had really felt in love with, truly, was Saki. Let’s see, she was…

**< Ōji: Probably someone that’s smart, kind, funny, and quirky.>**

**< Hisho: And how many of those descriptors do you think fit Izaya?>**

**< Ōji: None! Well, besides being smart and quirky but like, he’s creepy about it.>**

Although, he did manage to make me laugh sometimes and…  _ “If that was true then why didn’t you ask for painkillers?”, “You heard me. Saki wouldn’t want you to be depressed forever. What would she say if she saw you like this? Surely she’d be disappointed”, “How unmotivated of you. It’ll never be easier if you don’t practice”, “You don’t have to worry about careers right now anyway, just test things out and have fun with it. It can be your resolution for the new year” _ . My cheeks flushed and I pulled my knees up to my chest. Then there was the moment at the festival when we just held each other. 

**< Hisho: I see. That does sound tricky.>**

**< Hisho: Anyway, I have faith that you’ll figure it out, in the end.>**

**< Ōji: Yeah, thanks. Sorry to bother you with it.>**

**< Hisho: It’s no bother at all!>**

Now that the conversation had ended, I was starting to realize Mikado was giving off some serious depressed vibes.

**< Ōji: Hey, are you okay?>**

**< Hisho: Not really.>**

I was right for once.

**< Ōji: Did something happen or are you still thinking about that night?>**

**< Hisho: Honestly, both.>**

**< Hisho: I got into a fight with Anri, actually.>**

**< Hisho: It was about you and Izaya. She wanted to take you back with us from the hospital and I disagreed.>**

**< Hisho: She wouldn’t talk to me a day after then, today, out of the blue, she left and went to Celty’s.>**

**< Ōji: I’m so sorry!>**

**< Ōji: It’s my fault, if I had just told her what was going on, that might not have happened.>**

**< Ōji: I can tell her, if you want, I don’t want you guys to fight because of me!>**

**< Hisho: You’re so self-sacrificing. I wish I was more like you sometimes.>**

Really, like me? I was such an embarrassing mess. Though, I originally thought Anri and Mikado got on so well. I can hardly imagine them fighting, they were so insync. 

**< Hisho: That’s okay. You should tell her when you’re ready and things are too tense now as it is.>**

**< Hisho: I’m going to make it up to her, I just have to figure out how.>**

**< Ōji: Damn. I wish I had some suggestions but, I suck at this sort of thing.>**

**< Hisho: Lol clearly.>**

What was  _ that  _ supposed to mean! Still, it made me laugh whenever he was so blunt.

**< Ōji: Hey!>**

**< Hisho: Ha, sorry.>**

**< Hisho: Maybe we’re all just crappy at romance, truly.>**

**< Ōji: It’s too late to start getting all philosophical.>**

**< Ōji: I’m sure you guys will sort it out.>**

**< Ōji: I mean, you love each other after all, right?>**

**< Hisho: Yeah.>**

**< Hisho: I feel a lot better now.>**

**< Hisho: When we started this conversation, I was pretty depressed. I was scared about losing everything.>**

**< Hisho: But, when I have you supporting me, it’s like I can do anything!>**

**< Hisho: I’ve missed you so much. It was starting to feel like it used to.>**

So I wasn’t the only one that was starting to worry about that.

**< Ōji: Yeah, I was starting to think that too.>**

**< Ōji: I didn’t mean for it to get like that.>**

**< Hisho: Me either. It’s okay.>**

**< Hisho: Just don’t be a stranger, okay?>**

**< Hisho: Whatever you want to talk about, I’m always willing to listen.>**

**< Hisho: You’re my best friend for a reason.>**

**< Ōji: You too.>**

I grinned to myself. Oversleeping was totally worth it just so I could be with him.

**< Hisho: I’m going to try to get some sleep.>**

**< Hisho: Thanks for talking to me though.>**

**< Hisho: Good night, I love you.>**

I jumped back, nearly dropping my phone. My heart was racing out of my chest. He meant platonically, right,  _ right _ ? I’ve never heard of a dude telling another dude they platonically love them. How do I respond?

**< Ōji: Aw shucks! I love you too bro.>**

**< Hisho: Haha.>**

**[Hisho has left the chat]**

Mikado in a good mood was sort of scary sometimes. I waited for a bit, just in case he came back, then left as well.

**[Ōji has left the chat]**

**[No one is in the chat]**

  
  


I stared at my phone. I just couldn’t shake the feeling there was more I could be doing for them. I mean, I was their best friend, how could I just sit here and ignore it all? Should I really not tell Anri? I wouldn’t want to worry or upset her even more. Besides, what if she saw it as a betrayal or something? Her and Mikado were so close, I mean, he adored her, so, if she didn’t want to be friends anymore then… No, I couldn’t let them keep fighting because of me. Not telling her is what got us in all these messes in the first place. I debated it for a while then opened up my email. In the scenario that Anri hated me for it, I’d be fine with it as long as they were both happy. Sorry Mikado, I can’t just let it go.

**To: @anrisonohara**

**Subject: I’m Sorry**

**I heard about what happened between you and Mikado. I’m so sorry, I feel like it’s my fault. There’s a reason Mikado did what he did, please don’t be mad at him. The thing is**

I paused, staring at the screen. Just write it down, it doesn’t matter how she reacts as long as she makes up with Mikado. My finger hovered over the letters, trembling slightly. I couldn’t get myself to write it out.

**To: @anrisonohara**

**Subject: I’m Sorry**

**I heard about what happened between you and Mikado. I’m so sorry, I feel like it’s my fault. We should talk soon. I’m wishing you the best and again, I’m sorry.**

I checked over the email hesitating, then sent it. I was such a coward. If I had just told her I could have fixed everything. I laid back down, staring at my email for a long time, constantly waking my phone up and reopening the app just to be sure. I waited for twenty minutes then gave it up. She was probably fast asleep, knowing her. If only I had woken up in the morning.

I twisted my lips, trying to figure out what the Hell else to do. I needed a distraction. It wasn’t like I could go back to bed, I was hardly tired and my head was buzzing. I checked the time. It was officially midnight now. I listened to hear if Izaya was still up. He was still typing, quickly then slowing down until he eventually stopped. Finished up for the night? His chair rolled back and he started walking, except, it didn’t come closer or further away consistently. It went closer and further and closer and further. Hold on was he pacing? He  _ paced _ _?_ He just came off as so calm most of the time it was sort of difficult to imagine. I bit my lip then, after locating my crutch, stood, limping over to the door. I just wanted to see what was up, I couldn’t help myself, I was dangerously curious. I opened it carefully to make sure it didn’t squeak, and peered out. I could see the main area and couch from this angle. Sure enough, his figure passed through there, hand on chin, head tilted slightly, going in circles. He was wearing a completely black robe, the ends swaying back and forth as he walked. I couldn’t see his facial expression and I found myself inching closer, and closer, and closer. He was like a leopard in a cage. Intimidating, precise, beautiful. 

I stopped at the end of the hall, doing my best to stay in the shadows, watching. He was frowning, his eyes narrow and sharp, glowing like poppy flowers, staring at the ground in deep thought. He looked so composed but the energy could just be felt, his shoulders trembling lightly, as if he was physically forcing it down, his robe making every movement all the more noticeable. He seemed so different in the dark, the few times he stepped into the light from the windows giving me a view of the more vibrant Izaya I was used to, only for it to quickly vanish. He always laughed, smiled, and teased, now he looked deeply dissatisfied and it was difficult for me to even imagine a smile on his face. He was almost like a shell of his former self, no, the other side of him was, this was more honest.

He suddenly stopped and I froze, all my nerves on edge. I should leave, I should leave! I tried to move but my legs were stuck in place. Luckily, he didn’t turn around, instead, focusing on the trash can next to his desk and softly kicking it over.

“Dammit,” he muttered, forcing back a shout, snarling, though his anger soon melted to something else. Sadness, acceptance, I couldn’t tell, he just stood there, head down. I should help, that was my first instinct, but it was never the one I followed. I always just watched, I clammed up, I didn’t know what to say or do. I was a  _ useless  _ friend. It was the situation with Mikado all over again. So, instead of saying anything or going over there, I turned around and headed back to my room door. I planned to go back inside and play around with my computer until it was light out, the guilt building at every step. I was distracted thinking of him, that defeated pose wouldn’t get out of my head, and maybe that’s why it happened. When I was only a few inches away from the door, reaching out for the handle, I stumbled forward and thudded loudly to the ground. My leg screamed out in agony and I did my best to hold back my pained grunts as I grabbed onto it. I tried to grasp my crutch, but it was just slightly out of reach. I wiggled around, struggling like a turtle on their back, trying to get closer to it or at least adjust so the pressure was off my leg. I only made the problem worse and eventually gave up, my leg throbbing no matter where I positioned it. There were no railings, no furniture to hold onto to pull myself up. I was  _ stuck _ .

The panic soon set in. How long would I be trapped here? What would it do to my leg, how far would it set it back? Tears filled my eyes and my breathing quickened. I tried to push myself back up but only fell over, my leg clashing against the wooden floor. Dammit, that hurt! I gritted my teeth in agony, becoming still, hoping at least that could help with the pain. Please, someone...then I heard it. A footstep, just one, and my eyes widened. I was so terrified I had forgotten he was even there. I waited in anticipation, trying to hide in the shadows of the hall. Another footstep could be heard down the hall and my body quaked at the sound. Then another, then another. They sounded hesitant at first, only getting sharper, faster as they continued down the hall. Those familiar slippers came into view, stopping by my head. I didn’t even bother to try to look up at his face, knowing my neck couldn’t crane up that high.

I weakly reached my hand toward him, tears streaming down onto the wooden floor. He stepped back, not allowing me to grab onto his leg.

“Help...please…” I practically whispered, knowing he must be annoyed or finding this all very amusing. For a while, everything was silent and still. To my shock he took my hand, flipping me over and onto my back in one swift motion. I was forced to stare into his face. Those red orbs stared down at me, gleaming through the darkness and staring directly into mine. He suddenly smiled and my cheeks flushed. I took in a sharp breath.

“Stop your insistent crying, it isn’t as if something terrible happened to you, you only fell,” he said, as if talking to a whiny child, eyebrows raised. However, after a moment his eyes softened and he added gently, “Are you hurt?” My hand was still in his. It was so cold, but I found mine going limp and I couldn’t imagine moving it. What Mikado said came back to mind. No, Masaomi, don’t let him fool you, it’s probably just an act. 

“N-no. Sorry, I was just scared,” I confessed, quickly wiping the tears away from my eyes as they began to dry. 

“Oh? Were you worried you’d be stuck here all night?” he asked in amusement and my face turned red in embarrassment. 

“W-well...yeah. I didn’t think anyone had heard me,” and I had been too afraid to call him over.

“Aw,” he replied simply.

There was a tense silence as we just stared at each other. It felt as if his eyes were undressing my very soul. My heart pounded in my chest, banging against my rib cage. My hand still didn’t move. “Are you just going to lay there, or?” he teased and I blinked. I finally and carefully moved to sit up, my hand easily slipping from his, his fingers lingering on mine for a quick second, so I could push myself up. I did so then leaned up against the wall. He chuckled, his head tilting at me. I looked at him, hesitating. Has his mood improved?

“Thanks, by the way,” I told him, ducking my head. His eyes just kept searching me. Had he realized what I had seen and was looking for my reaction? Did he realize what I was thinking about? My conversation with Mikado? Did he lie about not monitoring my computer? A dozen thoughts raced through my head, building up inside and making it begin to ache. I felt so exposed, trying to squish down in my hoodie a little. 

“It was no problem, really,” he said with a shrug. I was starting to think I had just imagined his frustration earlier. What I sensed from him in the present was different from earlier. I could feel...energy, a suffocating amount of it, barely containing itself in his skinny form and dancing in his vibrant eyes. 

“If you’re sure.” He simply smiled.

“Does your leg still hurt,” he asked, changing the subject and kneeling in front of me. Though, since I was sliding down the wall a bit and he was taller, I had to look up at him. Again, Masaomi, it doesn’t mean anything, he just wants you to be able to walk. That’s all. I debated lying or not, not wanting to bother him. It still twinged a lot.

“No, it’s fine,” I lied and he gave me a look.

“Why don’t you stand up, then?” I physically cringed and he laughed. “I thought so. Will you allow me to look at it, then?” he asked, motioning to my cast. It had straps that kept it closed. I paled a little. Surely, even if he was angry, he wouldn’t do anything  _ that  _ bad, right? I usually didn’t suspect this of him but, he had been acting so strange. _ “You think I considered violence and changed my mind, so now you’re grateful. That’s the whole point of Stockholm syndrome, though I  _ **_never_ ** _ considered it  _ **_at all._ ** _ I didn’t realize before because I forgot how  _ _ illogical _ _ you are,"  _ I remembered Izaya’s words and, in a strange way, they comforted me. My chest was warm and I put my hand there. Illogical was a pretty good descriptor, since, not only had I given him the weakest parts of me emotionally, I was granting him access to my biggest physical weakness. I nodded with a nervous swallow, staring down at the dark floor.

He reached over, delicately opening and removing the cast, his fingers moving quickly but precisely on the latches. I didn’t feel it, my leg starting to go numb. The leg of my pants was already pulled up and, as he looked at it, not touching it, he wrinkled his nose in disgust. I couldn’t blame him, it was all red, swollen, and gross. As he examined it, he seemed to be lost in thought, only coming back to the present when his eyes lit up and he smiled. That didn’t bode well. I held my breath. 

“Masaomi, can I ask you something?” he asked me and I bit down on my lip hard. He must have known I was watching him earlier and was going to ask about it. “Don’t get upset,” he said and my eyebrows furrowed. I had done my best to hide how much his question worried me. 

“Y-you’re not  _ mad  _ at me for anything then, right?” I asked to make sure and he laughed.

“Of course not. Why, should I be?” he asked playfully and I held back a sigh of relief. He had...well, he acted as if he had no idea, at least. I simply shook my head.

“No...go ahead then.” Izaya paused for a moment, smile widening. I expected something strange but, what came out of his mouth next shook me to the core.

“Do you still see yourself as human?” He looked at my leg, then peered up at me, eyes as bright as  _ blood _ , pooling into mine. The look made my whole body go rigid and I started to tremble. What the Hell did that mean, how did I answer? Should I be scared, what would he do if he thought I  _ wasn’t  _ human?

“W-what’s that supposed to mean!” I said, struggling to say the words. Izaya stood and wandered around as he thought.

“You see, I’ve come to a realization recently. I don’t think I can  **_love_ ** you as a  _ human _ ,” he said with a cruel smirk. Where did this come from and what had I done to deserve it? It was like he leaped between dimensions and I was completely left behind.

“Huh?” I asked, horrified, breathing becoming rapid. I gripped onto my hoodie. He peered at me before continuing. Wherever he had taken me, I didn’t want to be here. It was dark and cold, self doubt and fear were everywhere. 

“I usually don’t have any issues loving humans, the feeling comes naturally to me, yet, with you, it’s  _ different _ ,” he said, clearly enjoying this. I was completely at his mercy. Then I remembered. 

“What about Shinra?” I pointed out and he paused. I had a feeling I probably shouldn’t have said anything. He snarled at nothing in particular, fingers shuffling uncomfortably, before tilting his head back and looking at me with a lurid expression. 

“Shinra is  **_not_ ** human. He lost his humanity a long time ago. As far as I’m concerned, the moment you make love to a  **monster** is the moment you become one yourself!” he said in frustration and my face turned red. I mean, I should have  _ suspected  _ they had, after all, they were adults living together and Shinra was...Shinra, but still to have him confirm it like that...wait.

“Hold up,” I said, putting my hand out then, remembering who I was talking to, “um...if you don’t mind.” He stopped his pacing.

“I don’t mind,” he confirmed and I relaxed a little. At least it felt like we were having more of a dialogue. 

“In this metaphor or, whatever it is, what are  _ you  _ then?” I asked. He stared at me then grinned. It was good to see I hadn’t insulted him at least.

“I’m human just like everyone else, or well, perhaps I’m a little different. I play the role of observer and prefer not to get involved. I just watch and tug on their strings from behind the curtains. I’m not sure what you would call me, yet that sums up the basic idea,” he explained, waving his hands around dramatically as he did so and I processed this. My eyes widened, face paling.

“So, you’re basically God,” I said and he flinched back. I probably sounded insane just going along with this. I wasn’t a religious person, but still, metaphorically, Izaya being the God of the city made sense. 

At first, I thought I had hurt him, but then his smile widened. 

“You could say that,” he agreed with a satisfied nod and gleaming eyes. I might have just fed into something I really shouldn’t have. But, getting back to the point…

“Then, considering my  _ feelings  _ towards you, what does that make me?” I asked fearfully. I couldn’t help but think of that dark  _ thing  _ inside of me. Was I just that?

“Who's to say! It’s such a fantastic mystery that even I don’t know the answer! Magnificent!” He exclaimed, stomping his feet in giddy joy and I blushed, finding it sort of adorable. 

"You don't hate me for it?" He laughed.

"No. If anything I find you fascinating! A human losing their humanity, I never realized it could happen in such a manner!" He jumped up and down, slippers brushing on the ground. Was Namie just a deep sleeper or was she too afraid to interrupt? “So tell me then, how does a being such as you view himself?”

“Y-you mean...do I see myself as human or not?” I asked and he nodded. “Well, I still see myself as human just, how do I word this?” I thought out loud and he tilted his head. “I’m just strange or suck at it or something? I guess that's my weird way of saying I don’t see myself as a good person. I do things I  _ shouldn’t  _ and have feelings I  _ shouldn’t  _ all the time, so,” I explained, looking down and pulling my good knee up to my chest self consciously. 

“Yes, I agree, you make for a  **horrible** human. That might be why these changes have befallen you. In a way, it might have been inevitable from the very beginning, though neither of us saw it coming,” he said enthusiastically and I didn’t fully understand it. He said he hated non-humans in one sentence, then celebrated my lack of humanity in another. I could hardly even wrap my head around the idea of not being human in the first place. Why was I considering the idea when it was just some insane metaphor of his? Still,  _ metaphorically _ , what if I  _ was  _ becoming a  **monster** ? These feelings represented so much, I couldn’t untangle them. I just knew it was all dark and wrong, that the effect of them was looming over me and would crash down when I least expected it. When he said it with so much confidence, I just couldn’t help but start to believe it.

“The question then becomes, how do you view me? What am  _ I  _ in your world?” Izaya asked, surprising me once again. I looked up at him, startled, wondering why it mattered to him. He never seemed to care how people saw him. Izaya to me was...completely contradictory. He was gentle but rough, kind yet cruel, insecure and the most confident person I knew, intelligent but a complete dumbass sometimes, beautiful in an entirely twisted way, and someone I just kept going back to, no matter how much I tried to stop it. Simply put, I didn’t know what he was. He could never be completely pinned down, like a shapeshifter. When I fell silent he asked, “am I  _ your  _ God?” Maybe he was. A God is someone you always pray to when you need help, A God is someone you struggle to blame when things go South. A God is someone you  _ always  _ want to look up to and admire. No, I didn’t worship him, not like Saki had and I wouldn’t let him completely control my life either. I wasn’t a puppet, sort of as he said, I didn’t want to be just another one of  _ his humans _ . Did that desire  _ doom  _ me? 

I shook my head.

“You’re  _ not  _ my God,” I said, more to myself than to him. “You’re just... _ something _ . Yeah,  _ something _ , and that  _ something  _ is my friend, so, I guess it doesn’t matter,” I said. 

“You don’t care  _ what  _ your friends are?” he asked.

“No,” I said, chewing on my lip to see his reaction. He seemed confused, raising an eyebrow.

“You don’t even differentiate between the humans and nonhumans?” I shook my head.

“They’re all just my friends,” I confirmed. He scratched the back of his neck. It was oddly...vulnerable of him. 

“And I’m just  **_something_ ** ?” he asked, pointing to himself and I nodded. That seemed to trouble him. “On a scale of human to non-human, where does that lie?”

“Well, I don’t know. I’m not sure what I see you as fully. So I guess...you’re sort of in the middle?” I guesstimated and he made a face.

“You can’t decide if I’m human or not? How come?” He gave me a wide-eyed look of interest. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was being insecure. Did he not realize how weird he acted sometimes and didn’t he just call himself  **_God_ ** _? _

“I mean,  _ physically  _ you’re human but  _ metaphorically  _ I just don’t know what I’d call you. I’m not good with that sort of thing and our relationship is too..er,  _ unique  _ for me to be able to decide what you mean to me that easily,” I explained, starting to get a stomach ache from trying to follow all of this. Izaya smiled, standing up straight again, and I could tell he found this answer satisfactory. 

“I see, so basically, you have no confidence in your own perspective? Either that or you’re just being secretive. I should have suspected that from you. Oh well, I’m sure you’ll give me your answer at some point,” he said with a shrug.

I fell silent, looking at him through my bangs. He didn’t say anymore. Was that it? Was I just somehow supposed to accept this? His words swam in my head and made my skull pound. I didn’t want to lose my humanity, I didn’t want to give in to the thing inside of me, despite how much it fought against me. Yet that part of me, it wondered which he’d prefer. I wanted these feelings to go away, I wanted everything to just go away. With no one else around to ask for help, I was forced to just fall back on him.

“Izaya?” I said, barely above a whisper. 

“Hm?” he asked, tilting his head. 

“What’s happening to me...do you think there’s some way we can reverse it?” I asked, looking up at him desperately. 

“I thought you didn’t discriminate against humans and non-humans, so why does it matter to you?” he pointed out and I flinched.

“I don’t!” I said quickly, then, “it’s just, at the rate I’m going, I’m worried about what I might become.” He frowned.

“Which is?” I hesitated, biting my lip.

“Well..something like...a  **monster** ,” I said quietly. 

I looked at his face to see his reaction. For once he looked genuinely afraid. I shouldn’t have said anything. It took him a moment to respond, which was unusual for him.

“I would  _ never  _ let that happen, don’t worry,” he assured me. “After all, I am a lover of all things human. Given the opportunity, I would much rather pull you to the side of humanity than allow you to be consumed by those  **monsters** .” I peered up at him. I shouldn’t have been comforted by that, he’s the one that  _ caused  _ this whole mess, but still, his words made me feel so glad. Someone finally understood why I was so scared and wanted to work through it with me. 

“Really?” I asked. Izaya stared at me, frowning for a moment before grinning once more.

“Of course, I’m always happy to serve my wonderful humanity,” he said with flair and I smiled, feeling my body relax. Even if he was lying, I  _ wanted  _ to believe him. I wasn’t sure how to explain how special that was to me. With someone else knowing what was inside of me, I just felt, I’m not sure, maybe...less  _ lonely _ . A quiet “thank you” was all I could manage.

After that, neither of us knew what to say. I held my hands tightly together to reassure myself and built up the courage to speak.

“Listen, this whole human and non-human thing is stressing me out. Can we change the subject?” He grinned wildly, letting his perfectly white teeth show in the low light, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Of course, I wouldn’t want to unnecessarily burden you. After all, inhuman or not, you’re still wounded,” he said. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be supportive or if I should be concerned. Still, it meant a lot that he of all people would decide to change the subject, so. I realized what I was doing and frowned. Seriously, Masaomi, stop seeing him as nice!

“Thanks,” I said, forcing a weak smile.

“Anyways, about that wound, your leg is simply swollen. If we ice it down it should heal in no time,” he said, finally changing the subject. Our conversation made me forget about it, but, remembering it again made it hurt like Hell.

“R-right, okay. Sounds like a good plan,” I said with a small nod. I’d do anything to relieve this pain. He seemed to think for a while, tilting his head.

“You know, you must have already known it was swollen, yet you said nothing. Why is that?” he asked and I blinked in alarm. 

“O-oh well...I just didn’t want to bother you. The swelling was going down on its own anyway,” I assured him. He  _ had  _ been in a terrible mood yesterday, not that I’d say anything either way. 

“Hm,” he hummed, clearly not convinced, then, “let’s move you somewhere more comfortable and ice down your leg. Are you hungry? You haven’t eaten all day. I could move you to the kitchen,” he proposed and my stomach grumbled, answering his question for me, causing him to laugh. I blushed in embarrassment.

“Y-yeah, guess I am,” I admitted. He grinned playfully and knelt down.

“Can I pick you up?” he asked and I nodded slowly. He smirked in amusement. “You don’t seem so sure.”

“I-I'm sure...go ahead.” He reached to grab under my legs and I flinched in pain the second he lightly touched them. He quickly pulled away. “Sorry,” I said and he chuckled in disbelief.

“Why are  _ you  _ apologizing?” I ducked my head shyly. He thought for a moment, smirking widely and looking lower. “I could always just…” It took me a bit to catch his meaning. I squeaked and held my hands out in protest.

“Absolutely not!” I exclaimed.

“Aw, you’re no fun. Oh well, I have a better idea!” he said, crawling closer. I watched him carefully. He took me with one arm and slung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. 

At first, I was surprised, blinking, unable to believe he just did that, then, afraid as he stood and I stared at the hardwood floor. It seemed too close to my head for comfort. I gripped onto his silk robe, which constantly slipped beneath my fingers. 

“Don’t claw at me,” he whined, though he didn’t sound genuinely annoyed. He began to walk.

“Wait, hold on!” I said and he stopped. “T-this doesn’t seem very stable, does it? Are you sure this is a good idea?” He laughed.

“You truly are terribly turbulent. Would you just relax? I’m not going to drop you and even if I did it wouldn’t do much damage,” he insisted, though I was still unsure. “Can I continue now? It isn’t that far of a distance.”

“Okay…” I said quietly, grabbing onto his pajamas more tightly. He sighed but continued on without much complaint. He walked slowly so as not to bounce me too much. A couple of steps felt like a dozen and I constantly thought I was going to tumble. Eventually, he stopped, trying to put me down, but I was clinging onto his pajamas too tightly. He tried a couple of times then just laughed.

“You act as if you despise physical intimacy yet here you are, clinging onto my robe desperately! What, are you afraid I’ll drop you at the last minute or, are you finally giving into those  _ desires  _ of yours?” he asked, sending a shiver down my spine and I immediately let go. 

“I-it wasn’t like that!” I said and I knew he was smirking despite not being able to see his face. 

“Sure, sure.” He gave me a pat on the back then gently slipped me down into a chair. “There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” he teased, pulling up another chair and motioning to it. I was confused at first, then very carefully lifted my leg and set it on the chair, the cold wood making me cringe. 

After making sure I was secure, he went to the fridge and took out two ice pads, placing them lightly on the most swollen parts of my leg. I bit my lip. “It’s uncomfortable now but it will help your leg feel much better in the long run, so bear with it for a while,” he said, yawning and stretching a little. I nodded.

“Y-yeah, um...thanks,” I said, bowing my head. He simply smiled, going back to the fridge and taking out the container of leftovers. He dumped the soup into a bowl, placing a plate over it before putting it in the microwave. All of this, him helping me in the hall, trying to make my leg recover faster, preparing food for me, it made me genuinely happy. I kept wanting to grin like an idiot and I had this weird sort of feeling in my chest. My head was all screwed up. This isn’t how Izaya usually is, he has his own motives. I knew he said he’d fight against the  **monster** deep inside me, but, without even trying he made it so strong. I watched as he stood there in front of the microwave, back facing me, tapping his fingers on the counter. I hadn’t noticed before but his body looked...tense, just like when he was pacing. His shoulders jutted upward, his back was forced straight rather than lounging around like he usually did, and he was scarily still, only moving to tug on his bangs and brush them aside. I guess our conversation hadn’t fixed whatever problem he was having at all. I was starting to think he just wanted to ask me that question, I guess not. My thoughts drifted back to possibilities, to Shinra. I swallowed.

“Hey, Masaomi-”

“Hey, Izaya-” we both stopped, stunned. We stared at each other. 

“Y-you go ahead,” I said, losing my nerve entirely. 

“No, what were you going to say?” he said, refusing to let me off the hook.

“Nothing important! I was just going to make some small talk is all,” I lied and he seemed to believe it, smiling and finally moving on.

“Alright.”

“What were you going to say?” I asked.

“I wanted to ask a question, if you wouldn’t mind,” he said, turning back to the microwave, his face reflected a little in the window.

“Oh, sure,” I said. At this point, I should have known better than to let him ask questions, but he’d probably just end up asking them later no matter what I said. I mentally prepared myself for something else that would crumble my expectations. I couldn’t read him most of the time but, now, it was completely impossible.

“This fear of yours, that you’ll become a  **monster** , how long have you had it?” he asked and I blinked. “The way you spoke about it earlier makes me believe you’ve been thinking about it for a while, though perhaps not exactly in the same context.”

“Well…” I had started to worry about this dark side of myself when I realized I had some sort of feelings for Izaya. I still had no idea what they were, yet, I felt like whatever this is was a part of me all along, I just never realized it. “...Really recently, actually.”

“When we met again, perhaps?” he asked and I looked up, confused. Did he realize the  **monster** I was referring to was the same one he had named lust?

“N-no, it was after that. Why?” I asked carefully. 

“No reason,” he said, opening the microwave as it finished before it could beep. 

He placed the bowel delicately on the table in front of me, lifting away the lid and getting out a spoon, placing it to the side. “Here you are. It’s quite warm, don’t burn yourself now,” he half teased and I looked at him for a moment before picking up my spoon. This whole night felt so surreal, I was starting to wonder if it was a dream, but even then it’d be confusing. It had all the makings to be a nightmare and the best dream ever. I scooped up some soup and blew on it before sipping it. Izaya pulled up a chair and sat next to me, swinging one leg over the other and staring up slightly vacantly at the ceiling. I ate silently, scarfing down the soup, soon realizing how hungry I truly was and Izaya just watched in amusement. The heat went through my body and calmed me down.

“I see you’ve regained your appetite,” he said after I had finished.

“Y-yeah, my stomach doesn’t feel as bad anymore,” I explained. I was a little breathless though. 

“Good, I was starting to worry you were becoming ill again and I’d hate to have to call Shinra out here. He invades my space enough as it is,” he complained, yawning once more and covering his mouth slightly. If he was so eager to run away from it, maybe I shouldn’t really worry about whatever the Hell Shinra’s offer was. Then again, it would have been nice to know what was stressing him out so much.

I bit my lip, hesitating. It felt as if he watched me carefully whenever I was about to speak. My heart fluttered anxiously.

“U-um...Izaya?” I asked, tugging a little at my hoodie for the air, and he tiredly rested his chin on his hand.

“Yes, Masa~?” My face turned red. Whenever I thought that nickname had died it always came back somehow. I laughed nervously and he smiled at me. I metaphorically dragged my feet even more, fighting back the temptation to fan myself as he leaned towards me in interest, robe sagging slightly on his shoulder. His skin looked like marble in this light, gleaming blue and white.

“Er, it’s sort of late, isn’t it? Yeah, super late! We should probably go to bed so we aren’t zombies tomorrow,” I said quickly, turning away from him and taking a few breaths. 

“Is that really all you had to say?” he asked, trying to see my face but I kept turning away.

“Yep! I-I mean, look,” I said, gesturing over to the clock on the stove. “It’s two already so…” He stood up and walked over to me, causing me to sink back in the chair. I instinctively held my hand out, as if to hold him back, though he stopped a couple of inches in front of me and never touched it. He bent down, his face so close to mine our noses were almost touching, chest slightly exposed as his robe hung down. My whole face, my ears, my neck, turned red and I swallowed.

“Is that  _ really  _ all you had to say?” he repeated in a whisper that was perfectly loud at this distance. I swear I felt a bead of sweat fall down my face. I forced a nod. He reached for me then stopped, standing up straight and letting out a breathy laugh. I was stuck staring straight ahead, my whole body froze. All this time I was so afraid of what that  _ thing  _ wanted, of giving in, yet, when he was inches away from me in that context, it didn’t reach out at all. My whole being had wanted to run, including  _ it _ .

“If you say so. You’re tired then? Should I carry you back to your room?” he asked in a gentler tone and I struggled to speak, blinking.

“Y-yeah,” I said shortly and he gave me a curious look.

“In any case, how am I supposed to carry you? If I do what I did earlier, you might throw up chunks,” he said playfully and my eyebrows furrowed tiredly. 

“Oh,” I hadn’t thought of that. “I can probably deal with the pain from my leg, if it makes things easier.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“I-I think so,” I said, starting to become rather nervous about it. It was only a short walk, I could handle it, right? He gave me a look then took the ice packs off my leg, giving them to me. 

“Hold onto them, I won’t be able to pick them up if you drop one,” he said and I nodded, putting them snugly in my hoodie’s pocket. The cold was so refreshing against my heated body. He then picked me up bridal style, an arm on my legs, aiming for the least swollen part, and another around my back. As he pulled me up I did my best to hold back a flinch, my leg twinging. I let out a small grunt and he stood, immediately heading in the direction of my room, gradually breaking into a speed walk as he went. 

His touch was oddly  _ soft _ , I found myself melting into his arms, my body finally starting to relax again, tension slowly draining down from my head to my toes. My weakened body fell back despite my attempts to stop it, head resting on his mostly bare chest. It was warm, just like that night, but there was also something else. I heard it before I felt it. A thudding making his whole chest tremble, and as more of my body rested there, it made me tremble too. It was so loud, yet so fast. I never expected it to be pounding, he always acted so unaffected. I wanted to somehow make it stop racing, to calm it down, though I wasn’t sure how. I found myself putting my hand there, gripping onto his silk pajamas. His chest jolted and he paused. I looked up at him and he looked down at me.

“Does it hurt?” he asked and I shook my head. He laughed and smirked. “What’s wrong with you then? Are you _ in heat _ _?_ ” Wait, was his heart beating so quickly because...my face flushed and I quickly shook my head again. “What would you call your reaction then? Explain it to me.” He continued on, though he paused from time to time. 

  
  


“Y-you’re heart, it’s so...loud,” I managed to explain quietly and he stared at me, startled, before he burst out chuckling. 

“My my, needy, are we? Honestly, it’s not my fault you decided to rest your head there. It’s obviously going to be loud if you put your ear right up to it and there’s nothing I can do about that. Though, I can attempt to slow it down if that would satisfy you, my highness. Does it make you anxious?” he wondered. 

“That’d be a good idea, if you can, and yeah, a bit,” I said nervously and he laughed in disbelief. I half expected him to just blow it off, yet, then he started taking deep breaths. They were slow and steady, like syrup dripping down from a spoon, he was much better at doing them than I was, that’s for sure. I always panicked and just got faster and faster. I found myself following the movement of his chest as it rolled carefully with air, the motion comforting me and causing my own breathing to even out. My grip on his robe loosened as his heart calmed, the beats now following a soothing rhythm. My eyelids lowered as I listened to it, almost entranced. The other sounds became muted as I leaned more into his chest, becoming sleeper and sleeper by each beat.

“Oh, you really enjoy that, don’t you? I hadn’t pinned you as someone with cardiophilia, yet, considering how empathetic you are, it makes sense,” he said but the only response I could offer was a small whine as my eyes closed shut. The sound of his slippers shuffling on the floor and the dull ache in my body began to slip away, my body becoming still. “Goodnight~,” he chimed as I drifted off. Yet, despite everything falling silent, the sound of the heartbeat stayed.

It became louder and louder, echoing against the walls and back to me. It became so much warmer, the warmth traveling from my head and upper body down to my legs and feet, encapsulating me like a bubble. I grasped onto the feeling as much as I could, trying to hide further and further in it. When I opened my eyes I saw a glowing light, causing me to squint. It was icy blue in tint, the light starting out faint but surging and, after my eyes adjusted, I finally saw what it was. It was a heart, beating soundly in a pale chest, slightly covered by a robe that I carefully moved so I could see it more clearly. It was beating and...shivering. It looked so cold, each shake making the chest spasm painfully and I heard a discomforted breath off in the darkness. I just wanted to cup it in my hands and warm it, but I couldn’t touch it no matter how hard I tried. So, instead, I hugged the chest, bringing it as close to me as possible, trying to transfer some of my warmth to the heart inside. The closer I pulled it, the more it pulsated, becoming brighter and brighter, the shivering settling. When we were both in that wonderful bubble, the light finally became bright enough for me to see the person’s face.

My eyes widened.

“I-Izaya?” I said, knowing I should be terrified but truthfully...I really wanted it to be him. He was lounged back on the bed comfortably, wearing a mischievous grin, his usually clashing red eyes oddly still.

“Of course! Didn’t I already tell you? Feelings are like daisies, whenever you destroy the old conceptions others just pop up even stronger. Ironically, by trying to avoid them you are doing exactly what you feared the most, falling further and further down the long well you have made for yourself. So, naturally, your mind is consumed with thoughts of  _ me _ ,” he rambled excitedly and I clung onto his chest.

“But I don’t  _ want  _ to feel this, whatever it is. It doesn’t make sense, I want it to go away!” I shouted in frustration and he reached over, stroking my hair. 

“Does it not make sense or are you simply refusing to accept it?” he said, making me remember Mikado’s words. “You throw away your raw passion out of terror instead of simply allowing yourself the pleasure of going through the motions. It will end the same either way, so why not at least enjoy the ride?” he said and tears filled my eyes.

“I can’t just sit back and let it happen! No matter what it is. If I do that I’m gonna get hurt, things are gonna fall apart!” I said, placing my hand on my heart. He laughed.

“You’re so immature, thinking you can avoid pain by just sticking your feet in the mud. If you ask me, what you’re doing  _ right now  _ is sitting back and letting it happen,” he said then sat up, putting his hand under my chin and leaning towards me. “Do you know what actually requires choice, in this scenario?”

“W-what?” I asked, lips trembling. He leaned towards me more, face dangerously close to mine.

“Admitting to it and giving in,” he said breathily and, as my eyes widened, I heard the heartbeat, another heartbeat actually, closer this time, start to boom in my ears. My chest ached. My hand, still placed on my heart, could feel it under its fingers. “Do you hear that? I think it agrees with me.” 

He grabbed my hand, moving it out of the way and I looked down to see a dark heart underneath. It was pumping weakly, slow, some sort of black gunk going through it and clogging it up. I stared at it in terror. What the Hell, I don’t want that there, get it out! “Aw, look at what you’ve done to yourself. Somehow I’m more pure of heart than you’ll ever be,” he said with a chuckle. “It’s alright, I’ll fix it for you.”

“You’re the one that caused this, you liar!” I yelled, glaring at him then looking down at my chest to see something dark seeping inside. It was...hands, that ghostly figure I remember seeing before, grabbing onto my heart, pushing it out of my chest and holding the dripping mess out to him. The dripping made me feel nauseous. He grinned widely, reaching out. “I’ll be taking this now then.” As his cold hands touched its surface, gripping onto it, my eyes  _ truly  _ opened.

I woke up with a start, sitting up and panting, putting my hand on my chest, still feeling his hands there. My heart seemed to be trying to escape from my chest and I gasped for air. The image of that corrupted heart wouldn’t get out of my head, it terrified me, I couldn’t help but think I’d really gone off the rails. As I tried to calm down, I almost began crying, but was distracted by the buzzing off my phone, jumping back. I wiped at my eyes and took it out, checking the notification. I had received three emails from Anri, crap! I quickly read over them. The clock on my phone read 10:00 am

**To: @masaomikida**

**Subject: It’s Okay**

**It’s alright, it’s not your fault.**

I skimmed through, the next words making me nearly choke.

**Celty told me everything. We really should talk. If you’re awake, please respond!**

Then I opened the next email.

**To: @masaomikida**

**Subject: Goodnight**

**You’re probably asleep then. I’ll call you in the morning. Please don’t be sorry! We’ve both been unfair to each other and we need to make it right. I’ll talk to you then.**

The next email was sent only a while ago and I scrolled to it.

**To: @masaomikida**

**Subject: Good Morning!**

**Good morning! I hope you’re awake. I’m going to try to call you now, I think it’s better if we do it now rather than later. Please answer.**

I half didn’t believe it or thought I had missed the call when her ringtone started playing (I had special ones set for Anri and Mikado) and her icon popped up, asking if I wanted to answer or ignore. I stared at it for a moment, hands trembling, before taking the leap and answering. I held it up to my ear and heard her sigh in relief.

“Oh good, you answered! I was worried you’d ignore it or wouldn’t be able to pick up...” she admitted, then, “are you okay?” It took me a moment to be able to speak, a knot forming in my throat.

“Y-yeah, I’m  _ fine _ . Listen Anri I…” I said but trailed off.

“At the festival, Mikado said you thought you had betrayed us. Was it because of your feelings?” she asked and I nodded, despite the fact she couldn’t see me. She took my silence as a yes. “I don’t hate you for it! Please don’t ever think that! I’m not angry either, though I wish you would have told me,” she began, hesitating. “Sometimes I think you and Mikado are better-”

“That’s not true!” I quickly cut her off, knowing exactly what she was about to say. “I didn’t want to tell him either, Mikado just has a way of weaseling these things out of me. I’m not proud of it.” She fell quiet. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I didn’t know how you’d react and I was scared.”

“Why do you have that impression of me?” she asked suddenly.

“W-what do you mean?”

“You always avoid telling me things as if I’ll hate you. Where did you get that impression from? If I’m hurting or scaring you, I want to know. Please tell me, I can take it!” she promised and I blinked. I looked down, tugging on my bangs. She sounded so desperate, I couldn’t help but be honest.

“Back then, when everything went down between the Dollars and the Yellow Scarves, I was pretty sure you hated me. I mean, you had good reason to,” I said, laughing pitifully, “I was an asshole. Ever since then, well, I never wanted either of you to hate me again. You mean so much to me, so…” 

“Masaomi, that was such a long time ago and besides, I didn’t even hate you! I was just scared. We all misunderstood each other and that’s the reason. That’s why it’s so important now that we tell each other things, so that never happens again,” she said. I knew she was right, I knew she was right and still.

“But, it was because I was with the Yellow Scarves-” I said and she butted in.

“That’s not true! We never judged you for that! I was just worried you’d get hurt or do something you’d regret. I want the best for you, that’s all!” So, basically, she didn’t trust me. I didn’t blame her, I didn’t trust me anymore either. I fell silent, peering away from the phone in shame. “Please, let’s not do this, not again. Anything but this, it hurts too much. Talk to me. How did this all start?”

“You mean, my feelings for Izaya?”

“Yes. I want to understand and I want to hear it from you. What happened?” she said. No one had ever asked the whys or whens of it all, no one had really asked for my feedback at all, besides maybe Mikado. It actually meant a lot, I was starting to remember why we three became so close in the first place. Though I couldn’t remember how it started anymore, or more of, I didn’t trust my own experience. 

“I-I’m not sure, I can’t...I don’t know,” I admitted fearfully. Massaging my temples. 

“Masaomi, please, you can tell me.”

“No, Anri, I mean it! Everything’s so complicated, it’s hard to pinpoint when things all started,” I said and Anri processed this for a moment. 

“Then, why did you run away with him?” she asked and I chewed on my lip. I wanted to tell her the truth, I promised myself I would, I didn’t want it to become like it used to be. Still, it was so hard.

“I know you won’t understand, but Izaya he’s... _ important _ to me, in a way. I want to stay near him, I’m not completely sure why but,” I explained as best as I could. I wanted to stay, despite the fact it was destroying me.

“Important? As a friend or...as  _ something else _ ?” she asked, sounding afraid of her own words. My eyes widened.

“A friend,” I said quickly, though it felt like a lie even to myself.  _ “You’re such a liar!”  _ Izaya’s voice chimed in my head, but I tried to ignore it.

“Oh,” she said. “Yeah, that’s what Shinra told me.” She hesitated. “Masaomi, you remember what happened last time, right? Izaya pretended to be your friend only to hurt you, what if he’s doing it again?” That hit me hard. She was right, why was she always so right?

“Yeah, I remember, how could I forget?” I said darkly. I wanted to believe things were different now, they felt different, but how could I be sure? “I know it’s stupid Anri, I know it’s wrong, but I just...I’m following my gut.”

“Masaomi, I want to apologize,” she said, startling me.

“For what?” Anri had never truly done anything to hurt me or anyone really, maybe that’s why I tried to protect her so much.

“It’s just, you’ve been in a vulnerable place for years and I’m not sure I ever gave you enough support,” she confessed. “There’s probably a lot of things you’ve buried that Mikado and I never properly attended to. That’s what scares me the most. Are you friends with Izaya because you want to be or because he’s made you feel like you need him?” she asked, and I had no idea to reply. It’s true, he saw the things I hid that others never noticed, and, maybe, I was becoming dependent on that. That would explain why I was so desperate to stay. Yet, that wasn’t the only thing I liked about him.

“I think I’m friends with him because I want to be, but, at the same time, the idea of leaving him upsets me,” I said, kind of hoping she’d have the answers. Things wouldn’t be that simple.

“L-look, I’m not asking you to leave right now, but could you at least tell me or Celty where you are? Just in case something happens,” she said. If only I could, but, if I told her I didn’t know that would only cause her to panic.

“If anything happens I’ll call Celty right away, promise,” I said instead. She paused.

“Okay, and you’re not avoiding telling us because Izaya threatened you or anything, right?” she asked.

“No, nothing like that is going on. He’s not even in the room with me right now, I just don’t want you guys jumping the gun too soon.”

“Listen, Masaomi, If wanting to stay with him is where you are right now I can’t argue. But, I will say, considering the vulnerable state you’re in, it’s dangerous for you there,” she said.

“I’ll be okay. I’ve made up my mind, anyway. I’m sorry if it upsets you,” I said.

“Don’t be sorry,” she said politely and I smiled.

“Thanks. You made some good points though, so, I should probably go and think it all over,” I said, wanting to give her some hope. Though, I  _ did  _ plan to try to straighten out my head today.

“Really?” she asked.

“Yeah, I appreciate you looking after me. I’m sorry I can’t give you any straight answers right now but, if I think of any better explanations, I’ll let you know,” I said.

“Okay. I’ll be waiting, feel free to call whenever you need anything!”

“Yeah, you too,” I said, about to hang up when she spoke again.

“Um wait, actually, before you go!” she said and I stopped. “If it wouldn’t be too much of a bother, can I call you tomorrow too?” I grinned. Things with my friends were finally starting to stabilize. 

“Of course, my lady, call whenever you’d like,” I joked and she giggled a little.

“It’s good to see some things never change. Thank you for answering my call, I feel a lot better now, I hope you do too,” she said.

“I do. I’ll see you tomorrow then,” I assured her.

“Yeah, talk to you then.” With that, I hung up.

That went a lot better than I had expected, then again, nothing was going as I had expected. I frowned, my face becoming serious. I dropped my phone on the bed, lying back again. Izaya’s words were stuck in my head and I needed to sort them out, or at least, try to. Last night I was overloaded with information, possibilities, worries. Was I becoming a  **monster** ? How do I prevent it? If these feelings aren’t lust, what are they and what can I do about it? Anri only added to the constantly growing pile of questions. When  _ was  _ the first time I felt this way, really? Did I  _ just  _ see Izaya as my friend or what? Was he lying about being friends, what was his angle? I sighed and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else today, especially Izaya, they’d just make me question everything all over again. I just wanted to get lost in my thoughts and have a moment to breathe. So, I kept the lights off and laid there for hours, letting everything I had been holding back pour through me. It wasn’t a pretty sight, if I was being honest. I cried a couple of times and other times I punched my fist in the air in frustration. I ended up staying in my room for the rest of the day, not in the mood to be seen or talked to, and, to my surprise, no one bothered me. I managed to escape for a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since these are sort of important to this chapter, I just wanted to make you all more aware that I am posting bits from Izaya's perspective [The Jet-Black Smoke That Looms](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775478/chapters/71676468) along with extra sections that follow the other characters and what they do behind the scenes [The Leftover Embers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28520586/chapters/69887343)


	19. Choking Up Smog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Izaya attempts to figure out what Masaomi is and why he has such a large effect on him, he might be in for a shocking surprise.

That night he hadn’t been able to sleep. As the day went on, he waited and waited anxiously for the young man to return from his slumber, yet he hadn’t. Though he’d never admit it, he was even tempted to rouse him from his sleep once or twice. He pushed the desire down, it made him scoff even. There was no reason for it, he was hardly alone, Namie sat directly beside him, flipping through a few files absentmindedly with her thumb. That’s right, all he needed to fulfill his growing desire for entertainment and pleasure was a human, any human. He loved their reactions, their little quirks, their habits. Yes, all he needed was her. So, when his boredom had reached its peak that day, he turned to her with a smile on his face, attempting to pull out one of his all too familiar remarks or teases from his frizzled mind.

“Namie, do you suppose your lunch was so awful Masaomi has fallen into a  _ coma  _ ?” he asked and she simply smirked at him.   
“If you miss him that badly, why don’t you just wake him up?” she proposed and he held in his surprise. Namie had always been sharp, but he quite despised how much she was able to read him now.   
“I don’t  _ miss  _ him, today has been boring, that’s all,” he said, lounging back in his chair and yawning.   
“Right, well, let me rephrase that. I’m making dinner soon, you should wake him up. Better you than me. With your personality, you suit being an alarm clock,” she said and he laughed at the insult.   
“Fine,” he said standing, making his way to the hall as Namie prepared to start cooking.

He approached the door, staring at it. He knew he was entering a dangerous zone and would have to keep a close eye on his emotions, or else. He remembered Shinra’s words. He hated to admit it, yet Shinra was right. Now, however, he wondered who was more to blame, him or the man. At first, he knocked to ensure Masaomi hadn’t just locked himself away. There was no response and, from peering under the door, he could see the lights were still off. He opened it carefully and slowly. The light from the hall poured inside and landed onto the blanket wrapped blob resting on the bed. “M-a-s-a-o-m-i~!” he chimed playfully, stepping inside and creaking the floorboards. “It’s dinner now, time to wake up.” Other than a light groan, the human in question hardly responded to his chattering. He pouted slightly, walking over to stand beside the bed, prepared to shout and jostle him awake.    
“M-” he began again, but something stopped him in his tracks as he looked the young man up and down. Never in his life had he been  _ gentle _ . It wasn’t in his nature. He  _ greedily  _ took everything with  _ forceful  _ hands. He treated humanity like a goldfish, violently shaking them in their bag until they finally stopped moving, Hell, even that sometimes didn’t stop him. That was another thing about himself he quite enjoyed, the voracious hunger within, the desire and ability to destroy with just the flick of a finger. Yet, looking at Masaomi as he slumbered deeply, the intense feeling inside him was quelled and replaced by something  _ calmer _ . The yellow-haired beauty appeared so innocent when he was asleep. He hugged onto his pillow as if his life depended on it, face buried in it, head falling onto the bed, which he imagined must be straining for his neck. He was curled up into a tight ball, well, with his good leg, his other forced mostly straight. The info broker laughed, thinking he looked akin to a wounded rabbit, huddled on the cold ground and waiting to be eaten. Izaya supposed that made him the wolf, staring down with readied, sharp fangs. What a thrilling concept, and yet...he was so vulnerable, helpless, weak, Izaya could feel no concern or animosity towards him despite himself. He was a rose, a beautiful array of petals hiding the thorn underneath, his carnage incarnate and, for a reason he hadn’t discovered, that concept thrilled him much more. An innocent rabbit suddenly springing up, showing its concealed fangs and tearing out the throat of the wolf rather than the other way around, what a wonderful twist! Though he supposed that yes, he was still the wolf in this scenario. How horrendous! Even with all that knowledge, he couldn’t help but treat the sleeping young man delicately, as if maintaining the seal on his destructive nature, smoothing out the edges and skillfully closing up the tears in hopes that it would remain another day.

He pushed the thoughts aside and focused on his task at hand, carefully prying the pillow out of his arms. Masaomi immediately protested, letting out distressed sounds reminiscent of the scared meowing of a cat. He flailed slightly and reached for it eagerly. “Shhh,” he hushed him, reaching over and performing the secret little trick he had discovered to calm him down. He ran his fingers down from the top of his head to the nape of his neck, stroking the area several times until he quieted and stilled. His face, previously wearing an expression of distress, scrunched up into a pouting expression of defeat that always managed to make the man smile. “Now, now, it isn’t so bad,” he said, moving the pillow under his head, pulling up his blankets and wrapping them around his head as a hoodie of sorts. “That’s much better now, isn’t it?” he said, though Masaomi couldn't respond, still reaching for something to grab onto. Izaya looked around and spotted that fluffy, white monstrosity on the desk, staring vacantly at the wall with its ridiculously dumb expression. He sighed, standing and fetching it, laying it next to Masaomi's hand. The moment he felt it he wrapped his arms around it, bringing it close to his chest. The poor thing was so touch starved Izaya doubted Masaomi could sleep without that plush. He found himself smiling slightly, watching him fall back into a peaceful slumber before standing and exiting, closing the door softly behind him.

Namie watched as he entered the main room, Masaomi not in tow, raising her eyebrow.   
“Weren’t you supposed to wake him up,” she pointed out and he paused. He had been and he very much intended to, yet somehow his plans got turned upside down just by looking at the young man. How was that possible, he wondered. His hands balled into fists, which he soon forced to relax by his sides.   
“Yes well, I did my best. It’s as I said, he’s horribly sick and needs all the rest he can get,” he said, plopping down in one of the dining room chairs.    
“If you say so,” she said with a sigh. “That’s fine, I’ll put some in the fridge for later,” she decided, turning back to the pot and mixing its contents with her ladle.   
“That’d be for the best,” he agreed shortly, his mind racing. He wanted to figure the man out once and for all, he wanted to eliminate the horrible fragility in himself. It wasn’t good for him, he believed, in fact, it could mean utter destruction if not properly wrangled. It was some sort of sickness of the mind he had to drill out, chipping away at his own bone marrow without hesitation. Masaomi was at the center of it, that he was certain of. So he thought and he thought. Dinner and his working hours passed without the young man making an appearance. Namie went to be at ten and still, he did not stir. He showered and prepared to go to bed himself. Nothing. It’s what he should have expected, yet he couldn’t help but hope. That feeling, searching for Masaomi when he wasn’t there, was something he couldn’t name and constantly tried to brush off. Knowing he couldn’t sleep, he tried to dive into his work and allow that to occupy his mind, but his mind had other plans. Sooner rather than later, he found his thoughts shifting back to the human, theories formulating and past events passing through his head. The filing cabinet in his brain dedicated to Masaomi had been kicked over, contents scattered all over the floor.

Eventually, he could not contain his frustrated energy and stood, pacing around the now dark and empty room. The smooth fabric of his robes flitted on his legs as they took him around in circles. The action caused his bottled thoughts to break loose. What made Masaomi so  _ special  _ , he asked himself. He wondered why, very recently, it seemed as if everything revolved around  _ him _ . Everyone was focused on him, either enjoying the human, sharing in their concern for him, or absolutely despising him. Izaya was no different and that made no sense. He was always on the outside, everyone else was merely pawns in his hands that he meddled with as he pleased. Now the tables had been turned and  _ he  _ was one being meddled with. Such a dramatic turnaround had never happened to him in his life and it angered him to no end! He stopped, focusing his rage on a nearby trash bin. He kicked it over though not at full force, refusing to receive a lecture from Namie.   
“Dammit!” he said in a muffled yell, snarling and shaking at first before settling, staring at the wall. It wasn’t helping, he decided, planning to go back to his pacing and thinking.

As he was pondering all of this, trying to gather the files on the floor, he heard a thud and a light grunt, his head immediately turning to the sound. His first thought was the young man. That was fine, it was only logical to suspect someone with a crutch to eventually stumble, it was his second thought that  _ scared  _ him. The moment he heard the sound, his body wanted to move, to run, to rush to him. It was such a powerful instinct he had to buckle his knees to stand still, the mere refusal making his stomach churn. It was an instinct he’d never had before or, if he had, it was so puny it wasn’t worth a bat of his eyelashes. Now that he was feeling it so strongly, he loathed it. He wanted to take the feeling from his chest and somehow crush it in his hands. His mind was racing, a part of him still thinking about the trouble Masaomi could be in, the other wondering  _ what  _ on Earth he must be to somehow plant the sensation inside of him. He stared into the hallway, squinting, unable to fully make out the figure in the darkness. They were struggling, hand reaching around and grasping at the air, body shaking. He wanted to move closer, see who it was and confirm or deny his theory, but he stopped himself. No, he internally shouted at himself like a dog, forcing himself to yield. How far he had fallen to take such a  _ humiliating  _ stance. You don’t have to give into these  _ temptations _ , he reminded himself. He wanted to prove he could have self-control, he was the  _ king  _ of self-control. So he stood there and watched. 

The dark blob flailed around like a fish out of water for quite a while then, finally, became still. He should have been laughing, clapping in outright amusement, yet he was too distracted by their hidden identity. Every flail they took or grunt they made, he couldn’t help but attempt to guess who they were. They couldn’t be Namie, no, she wouldn’t struggle as much, she would have already stood up by now and, if she couldn’t, she’d proceed to call one of his emergency phones, screaming into the receiver for him to wake his sorry  _ ass  _ up and help her. Unless she had dropped her phone and that’s what they had been reaching for, but still, that was only if she couldn’t get up and she had no reason not to be able to. He then came to the conclusion that it  _ must  _ be Masaomi, his self sacrificing nature would cause him to be quiet rather than ask for help, his injured leg would cause him to struggle in such a manner and be unable to pull himself up, and what he was reaching for was obviously his crutch. He gritted his teeth. He had only meant to be an observer, to lap up his fill of their suffering and then return to his important thoughts as if he never saw it. He soon realized it hardly mattered if he physically halted or not. His brain had made up for his lack of action and run off on its own. This was another thing he wasn’t used to. His love for humans was passionate, wild, but it did not scare the info broker. Every meal was planned, rationed out carefully in his mind, the beast depended on him and therefore respected him, no,  _ feared  _ him. He had it on a tight leash and, when things became too dangerous or personal, wasn’t afraid to pull back, strangling the thing until it finally gave in and laid down to rest. He was satisfied with this. He saw himself as strong for refusing to tame it yet still somehow controlling it. He had  _ no  _ control now.

Masaomi had either turned the beast feral, fed into its already destructive and consuming nature, or had set another beast off entirely to slowly devour the previous one piece by piece. The beast did not respect or fear him, it was being fed by Masaomi entirely and he was dragged along. He was starting to realize that fact. It was despicable, completely underhanded, and  _ only  _ he had managed it. Him, overly giving, disgustingly sweet, aloof him. The young God had met so many humans in his life, completely underhanded crooks that would happily shoot a newborn if it meant saving their own skin or innocents hiding wonderfully twisted insides, but it was  _ Masaomi  _ that had done what he deemed impossible! What made him so  _ special _ , he wondered once more. Why did he have so much power and why didn’t he follow the rules? It made no sense,  _ unless… _

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a familiar and melancholy sound of crying. Before he knew it he was taking a step forward, attempting to stop himself, his body moving on its own. He couldn’t stand that noise, whenever he heard it something  _ cracked  _ in him and he just  **had** to stop it. His legs were dragging but as it continued on and on, his will became more adamant and his walking more confident. Within minutes he went from completely fighting all urges to feeding into them completely, and all because of a cry. Humans did not have this power, he decided. Masaomi was definitely  _ not  _ human. The anomaly froze as the God approached, his steps assertive enough to make any being pause. Izaya stopped at his head and took in the scene. Masaomi was lying on the ground on his stomach, crutch pushed just out of his reach, his body, especially his casted leg, quivering in what he assumed was agony. The position would put an uncomfortable amount of pressure on his leg. Izaya’s assumptions were right and that bothered him. The being stared at his feet, not moving his head, perhaps unable, tears streaming down his face and pooling on the floor beneath him. It was such a human reaction it almost took him aback. He weakly reached out his arm, almost as if to grab for Izaya’s legs and he took a step back, raising an eyebrow.

“Help...please…” he whispered, his pleading hitting quite differently for the God now. It was a plea of fear, but it could be a rather manipulative one and, if he was being honest, he loved the sobbing siren playing the innocent act. The question was if Masaomi knew what he was doing or if he was completely blindsided to it. Either way, it still helped him feel in control and, at this point, the pleasure starved man would take anything. If Masaomi was truly manipulative or simply very needy, did he know that? Was he trying to use this to gain his favor? Is that why he acted so shy around him? Was he a  **monster** , then? Oh no, he could never identify him as such.  **Monsters** were heartless and selfish by nature, constantly taking and never giving, not to mention, a  **monster** could never be crippled. Frankly, he couldn’t hate Masaomi, and, therefore, he wasn’t a  **monster** . The anomaly didn’t fit that description at all. He was something entirely brand new and it was up to the young God to weed out what exactly he was and free himself. Despite his better judgment, he enjoyed the mystery, wanting to know what creature could make him so fixated. What could make him betray humanity as he did? He wanted to somehow beat it.

Izaya took his hand and, with one swift movement, easily flipped him over onto his back, relieving the tension from his leg. As the being panted, finally feeling some relief, Izaya stared at him in deep fascination, searching those golden-brown eyes for some kind of answer. “What are you? Tell me, tell me everything, I want to know,” he wanted to say, but he contained his excitement, a small smile oozing onto his lips.   
“Stop your insistent crying, it isn’t as if something terrible happened to you, you only fell,” he said instead then, in a gentler tone, “are you hurt?”   
"N-no. Sorry, I was just scared," Masaomi said, wiping away his tears with his arm, face slightly flushed. That was right, the anomaly also lusted for him, or, was it that desire that made him lose his humanity? It was true he had never quite interacted with a human the way he had with Masaomi. If you're infatuated with God and he feeds into that interest, does being touched by such a thing make you lose your humanity? It was possible he had somehow created something, how fitting yet irresponsible of him.   
“Oh? Were you worried you’d be stuck here all night?” he asked in amusement. As if he’d allow that to happen, well, he probably would if he could.|   
“W-well...yeah. I didn’t think anyone had heard me,” he admitted in embarrassment and he would have asked why he didn’t call for help if he hadn’t already known the answer. He found it fascinating, losing one’s humanity in such a manner that he still couldn’t completely rely on himself, yet still refused to rely on others.   
“Aw,” he said simply and the young thing looked away, biting his lip nervously. What did he have to be nervous about, Izaya thought, did he truly view himself as that weak or did Izaya truly have the upper hand now?

An eerie silence fell between them. “Are you just going to lay there, or?” he teased and Masaomi blinked. He slowly pushed himself up and leaned against the wall. Whatever he was, intelligence must not be their strong suit. He chuckled, tilting his head.   
“Thanks, by the way,” Masaomi said, ducking his head shyly. The thing had such little faith in those around him, he most likely suspected everyone would leave him for dead if given the chance. Another theory formed in his head as he ventured the idea that, in some circumstances, perhaps stress could be so extreme a human was crushed beneath it and started becoming something else. Similar to how carbon, when put under extreme pressure, creates a diamond.    
“It was no problem, really,” he said with a casual shrug in spite of all the things he had suffered through to get there. The being tried to hide in their hoodie, as if sensing this.   
“If you’re sure.” He was beginning to understand, Masaomi was a non-human that adamantly refused to use humanity, for the most part. He was nothing like that parasite, Sonohara. Good riddance, he thought and found himself grinning again.   
“Does your leg still hurt?” he asked, finally kneeling down, though he was still taller than the slouching Masaomi. He fiddled with his bangs for a moment, considering this. The critter was so afraid, Izaya couldn’t help but fall back into his previous theory that he didn’t realize the control he had. He wasn’t sure if he should find that relieving or more concerning. Damn, why did this have to be so complicated, he whined in his head.    
“No, it’s fine,” he said, his voice trembling ever so slightly and he gave him a look of disbelief.   
“Why don’t you stand up, then?” he suggested and Masaomi shivered at the thought. He laughed though he was becoming sickeningly  _ concerned  _ again. I pulled and shoved at the feeling but it simply wouldn’t budge. “I thought so. Will you allow me to look at it, then?” Izaya motioned to the anomaly's leg, his abnormally human trait. Once again he took a moment and the info broker watched his facial features, trying to understand what was going on inside his head. The creature put his hand on his chest, as if feeling something there, deep in thought, then nodded, swallowing. He refused to make eye contact. Izaya’s eyes widened. He couldn’t read him at all. The interaction made no sense to him.

He pushed it aside, focusing back on his leg. The God began tenderly unstrapping his cast, fingers working nimbly on the buckles to examine the wound of the creature. Izaya was watching him, examining him, biding his time, and taking mental notes. Masaomi was acting strange, which was unexpected from someone he had originally perceived as quite predictable. Usually, he’d enjoy such an interaction but now, it put him on edge. He wrinkled his nose in distaste, which Masaomi seemed to assume was directed at his leg as he looked at it, though truthfully his mind was distracted and some swelling wouldn’t bother him. He had seen worse. He was formulating possibilities and ideas. Something occurred to him and he suddenly smiled in satisfaction. Yes, it was the perfect plan, he thought. If Masaomi was going to be confusing, he’d just baffle him right into his old self.    
“Masaomi, can I ask you something?” he said out of the blue, seeming to worsen Masaomi’s nerves. “Don’t get upset,” he scolded him lightly, he wanted him to answer his question honestly, if he could. He was surprised, he must be thinking something like “Izaya must have read my mind”, as if he wasn’t  _ obvious  _ .    
“Y-you’re not mad at me for anything then, right?” he asked and Izaya laughed in disbelief. He had no idea what he was supposed to be mad at him about, besides maybe taking up his time, which he never minded.    
“Of course not. Why, should I be?” he asked in a slightly playful manner. The critter shook his head shyly.   
“No...go ahead then,” he decided and Izaya smiled more. He knew for a fact Masaomi wasn’t seeing this one coming.

“Do you still see yourself as human?” He let himself dwell in his own words for a moment before looking up at the anomaly to check his reaction. He was shell shocked, frozen, terrified at the mere suggestion, lips quivering.   
“W-what’s that supposed to mean!” Masaomi finally spoke, voice shaking. He stood, walking around as he formed the words in his head. The words that appeared there were cold, sharp, and bitter. Finally he had broken the curse, if only for now.   
“You see, I’ve come to a realization recently. I don’t think I can  **_love_ ** you as a  _ human  _ ,” he said, a smirk twisting his lips.   
“Huh?” the creature asked in horror, his breathing quickening. He gripped onto his hoodie tightly, grabbing near his heart. What this meant he still wasn’t completely certain. He wondered why not just his chest, why specifically there every time.   
“I usually don’t have any issues loving humans, the feeling comes naturally to me, yet, with you, it’s  _ different  _ ,” he said. He knew he was being unnecessarily cruel, warping reality so it sounded worse than it was, yet, that was just the way he was. He wanted his power back, if just for a brief moment. Masaomi paused, thinking.   
“What about Shinra?” he pointed out and Izaya stopped. His eyebrows turned down violently by the mere thought of him. Shinra, human? The idea was absurd. He had allowed himself to become completely consumed by those  **monsters** , he might as well be one of them. He tilted his head back and looked back at the critter with a wicked grin.   
“Shinra is  **_not_ ** human. He lost his humanity a long time ago. As far as I’m concerned, the moment you make love to a  **monster** is the moment you become one yourself!” he said and grinned in amusement as Masaomi’s face turned bright red. For a creature that was so lustful, he certainly dealt with the topic horribly. 

Then something seemed to pop into his head and he held out his hand, indicating for him to stop. Izaya found his legs slowing down and eventually coming to a stop, as if, simply by using the signal, Masaomi commanded them.   
“Hold up, um….if you don’t mind,” he said oddly politely considering the circumstance. No one had ever told him to “hold up”, he found the fact he actually listened quite pitiful.    
“I don’t mind,” he lied. He very much minded.   
“In this metaphor or, whatever it is, what are  _ you  _ then?” The anomaly's question caught him off guard. People rarely truly asked how Izaya viewed himself, they just made assumptions and ran with it. The fact Masaomi had asked him directly made him feel quite pleased. He smiled.   
“I’m human just like everyone else, or well, perhaps I’m a little different. I play the role of observer and prefer not to get involved. I just watch and tug on their strings from behind the curtains. I’m not sure what you would call me, yet that sums up the basic idea,” he said, speaking with his hands and staying as concise as possible. He could see the gears turning in the creature’s head and his brown eyes lit up, almost looking gold.   
“So, you’re basically God,” he said and the young God flinched back. He felt horribly called out, exposed, and only by a glance and a few words. Some would view it as karma, but he never believed in such a thing. Karma is just what humans called the destructive actions of others, ones that tended to cause a domino effect. They placed many titles on many things to cope with their day-to-day lives.

Though, in the end, his smile only widened. He couldn’t help it. He adored the position, the adoration, the fear that came from it. He sucked it all in, letting it fill his lungs. This was going better than he could have hoped for!    
“You could say that,” he replied simply.   
“Then, considering my  _ feelings  _ towards you, what does that make me?” the creature asked curiously, the question Izaya also asked himself desperately over and over, the question that made him go ballistic with agony and joy!    
“Who's to say! It’s such a fantastic mystery that even I don’t know the answer! Magnificent!” He shouted, stomping his feet a little in absolute excitement. He swore he saw the critter smile a little at that.   
"You don't hate me for it?" he asked and the God just laughed. Masaomi expected everyone to hate him for everything, intentionally caused by him or not. Though in this instance Izaya wanted to hate him. Now knowing what he was, he wanted to cast him viciously aside and focus back on the humanity that had always ruled him. Though, no matter how long he searched inside himself, the emotion simply wasn’t there. He’d have to settle the score, cut through the lifeline connecting them, to finally feel normal again.    
"No. If anything I find you fascinating! A human losing their humanity, I never realized it could happen in such a manner!" he said, leaping on the wooden floor, the sound echoing down the hall. Masaomi’s head bobbed up and down along with him, Izaya was surprised he didn’t become dizzy. 

“So tell me then, how does a being such as you view himself?”   
“Y-you mean...do I see myself as human or not?” he asked and Izaya nodded, waiting for the answer intently. “Well, I still see myself as human just, how do I word this?” The Info broker tilted his head in extreme interest. “I’m just strange or suck at it or something? I guess that's my weird way of saying I don’t see myself as a good person. I do things I  _ shouldn’t  _ and have feelings I  _ shouldn’t  _ all the time, so.” Masaomi pulled his knee up to his chest sadly, looking down in what Izaya assumed to be  _ shame  _ . Oh yes, he knew about the creature’s self-loathing nature all too well. It drove almost everything he did and took a part in all of his relationships, almost like a shadow or a best friend. To Izaya, it was almost as alien as Masaomi himself, as he had no idea why or where he developed it.   
“Yes, I agree, you make for a  **horrible** human. That might be why these changes have befallen you. In a way, it might have been inevitable from the very beginning, though neither of us saw it coming,” he said, gaining too much joy from this than he had hoped. He should be furious, another human was being consumed by the other side, but no, he reminded himself Masaomi wasn’t a  **monster** , he liked to imagine he  **never** could be. At this point, he was more of a demihuman at best. Once he got himself under control, he would throw Masaomi away when every spec of humanity was finally lost in him. In a way, he even wanted to prevent it, in another, he wanted to forget he had ever noticed it. This whole new development gave him a headache. “The question then becomes, how do you view me? What am I in your world?” he inquired, rather curious. If he knew what the world looked like to him, he would be able to identify what he was easier. When the being remained quiet, he chimed in, “am  _ I  _ your God?” He perked up at that, the thought circling in his head. Izaya could practically see it going around and around.

When he finally processed it, hands held nervously together, he shook his head.    
“You’re not my God,” he said determinedly, making him take a small step back. “You’re just... _ something  _ . Yeah,  _ something  _ , and that  _ something  _ is my friend, so I guess it doesn’t matter.” It was terribly vague. The young God could barely believe what he was hearing. He was  _ just something  _ ? Had he not left some kind of impression or was he implying he was some sort of  **monster** that wasn’t worth mentioning? More importantly, he had no idea how it  _ couldn’t  _ matter. In his mind, one’s position between humanity and the  **monsters** was very important.   
“You don’t care what your friends are?” he asked, bewildered.    
“No,” Masaomi clarified, chewing on his lip, which Izaya hoped meant he was lying.   
“You don’t even  _ differentiate  _ between the humans and nonhumans?” He knew Masaomi would never refer to any of his friends as  **monsters** and therefore didn’t use the term. He shook his head and the young God’s heart stopped beating for a second.    
“They’re all just my friends,” the demihuman said. The so dubbed  _ something  _ scratched the back of his neck, utterly baffled. 

He began to wonder if Masaomi was purposefully straddling the realms of the human and nonhuman due to his intense altruism, or perhaps the fact he tried to remain a blank canvas for others to use. Everything, even his feelings towards the God, occurred due to his desire to remain grey in a world of black and white. That way either side could use him as they saw fit. The puzzle was slowly coming together. He just wanted to know where on Earth he fit in.   
“And I’m just something?” he wondered, pointing at himself, frowning as the critter nodded again. That wasn’t informative at all. “On a scale of human to non-human, where does that lie?” Masaomi wrinkled his face in thought.   
“Well, I don’t know. I’m not sure what I see you as fully, So I guess...you’re sort of in the middle?” he admitted and the Young God scowled. He failed to see how he could be compared to any of those  **monsters** in any way. He would rather be seen as a simple human or somewhere above them.   
“You can’t decide if I’m human or not? How come?” He asked, giving him a keen look of interest.   
“I mean,  _ physically  _ you’re human but  _ metaphorically  _ I just don’t know what I’d call you. I’m not good with that sort of thing and our relationship is too..er,  _ unique  _ for me to be able to decide what you mean to me that easily,” Masaomi said, placing his hand on his stomach as if it hurt. Izaya was starting to understand. What he had seen as dismissive was actually the opposite. Masaomi was recognizing his complexities and was too afraid to put a name to it. Not that he saw himself as that complex, everyone was simply small-minded. He smiled, standing up straight again, the logical conclusion soothing his pounding head.

“I see, so basically, you have no confidence in your own perspective? Either that or you’re just being secretive. I should have suspected that from you. Oh well, I’m sure you’ll give me your answer at some point,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. He’d rather have all the answers now so he could start piecing it together but he knew the more he pushed the more the critter would bury it deep within. It was truly an annoyance, one of his least favorite parts of Masaomi perhaps. His desire to understand him, despite his slow descent into the realm of the  **monsters** , was a carnal one. 

Masaomi fell silent and Izaya allowed him a moment to think. He hoped he would come to some exhilarating conclusion or realization, show him more of the inhuman side that haunted him so. He hid behind his bangs, eventually speaking, though in a very hushed voice.

“Izaya?” he began and the God smiled. He loved being called on.   
“Hm,” he asked, tilting his head.   
“What’s happening to me...do you think there’s some way  _ we  _ can reverse it?” Masaomi asked, startling him. If he didn’t see a line between the world of the humans and Inhumans, Izaya didn’t see why he should care. In fact, he had originally thought that negligence is what caused the change in the first place. Though, perhaps he saw the line and was constantly trying to remain in the middle.    
“I thought you didn’t discriminate against humans and non-humans, so why does it matter to you?” he pointed out and the demi-human flinched.    
“I don’t!” he immediately clarified, “it’s just, at the rate I’m going, I’m worried about what I might become.” Izaya frowned anxiously, though he still wanted to know his meaning.   
“Which is?”   
“Well..something like...a  **monster** ,” the creature said, causing Izaya’s body to go rigid. 

As he was now, the side Izaya could see, he couldn’t imagine him as a  **monster** . It made him wonder how truly dark the inhuman side was underneath. He wondered how it became so terrible and, despite himself, he wanted to fix it. He should want to run, this hidden depth of Masaomi should scare him, but, instead, he was more scared  _ for  _ him. The feeling made his chest lurch. He was shocked at himself, he never felt  _ afraid  _ for anyone, not even his ex-friend. Shinra basically ran off with a  **monster** and he hadn’t cared. He never tried to save him. He just stood by idly as he was consumed by her. The  **monsters** could take anyone else, but not  _ him _ , he kept thinking to himself. He still hadn’t a clue what made him so special. Why was it vitally important he remains grey? Izaya despised the conundrum. After a while he spoke, forcing on a smile to try to hide his internal panic.

“I would  _ never  _ let that happen, don’t worry,” he assured the critter. “After all, I am a lover of all things human. Given the opportunity, I would much rather pull you to the side of humanity than allow you to be consumed by the  **monsters** .” Masaomi didn’t know it but, in Izaya’s head, that was nothing less of a promise. He was trying to uncover his bindings and was only getting more and more tangled in the chains. Oh well, the deeper he became the closer he got to the truth.   
“Really?” Masaomi asked, looking up with pleading amber eyes. It alarmed him how much power a simple look could hold. His smile faltered for a second.    
“Of course, I’m always happy to serve my wonderful humanity,” he said simply.    
“T-thank you,” the critter replied softly yet meaningfully after a moment of consideration. With just those few words, a rescue mission for himself became one for someone else. As he looked at Masaomi, he kept thinking over and over again…

_ What are you? _


	20. Inflamed Lungs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Masaomi attempts to sort out his feelings, he finds himself more confused than he’s ever been. During his emotional battle, he may find an unexpected source of advice, though he might not like the answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know, you're probably saying "wasn't this chapter sixteen? What on Earth happened?". Well, you see, I started to realize I was putting way too much of a workload on myself, for one, and secondly, that Izaya's POV is actually pretty important and there was no reason for me to keep it separate. Yes, right now his POV is mostly just a repeat of Masaomi's but, it will soon have more importance and help progress the story. So, instead of getting a bunch of stuff at once, to assist my creative output and time management, you will get Masaomi's chapter first then the next chapter will be Izaya's. They will occasionally rotate, Izaya not always getting a chapter and never getting a chapter twice in a row while Masaomi's will be more frequent. The extras section is still separate and there is still one for [for this chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28520586/chapters/72992805) If you want more updates on my writing process and more information on changes and progress, I have a Tumblr for this [specific AU](https://talesofaweatheredcity.tumblr.com/) Literally just for it, nothing else. I know it appears at the end of the most recent chapter but I wanted to offer you more context. That Tumblr is for updates, is a great way to ask me questions, and is an in-progress wiki. I thought that'd be helpful since this thing is becoming huge and even as the writer I forget some earlier details. Since it is there for you the reader I also allow you to submit posts. It's a fun time so please check it out if you feel so inclined. Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble, thank you once again for all the love and support and enjoy!

The more I thought about it, the more I started to realize I didn’t know what _love_ was , and then, I went down a spiral of wondering if I’d ever felt it _at all_ . I understood platonic love easily. That kind of thing just came naturally to me, I guess, but romantic love? I wanted to believe I truly loved Saki. I had always believed she was the one, that I’d do anything for her, that I'd go all the way with her, yet, time and time again I _never_ did. Throughout our relationship, I constantly failed her and kept my distance. How could that be love? It seemed entirely selfish. Was it something shallower, then, and how do I know for sure? Did I have the same feelings for Izaya? That didn’t seem possible, although...it did feel the same. At this point, I wasn’t sure if I could trust my feelings. Not that I knew what lust was either. I flirted with girls a lot but, it wasn’t something I actively fed into really. Beyond the words and phone numbers, I didn’t do much. No, lust still didn’t sound right. When I thought he might do something my whole body had rejected it. With all of that in mind, were my feelings for Izaya somewhere in the middle, or were they something unique? Anri had asked, “Important? As a friend or...as _something else?_ ” and it haunted me. The truth was, I honestly _didn’t know._

I wish I could say my thinking session was productive, it lasted all of yesterday and long into the night, but I was as confused at the end as I was at the start. Throughout it all there was only one constant; **_Izaya_**. I kept thinking about him, seeing his face in my head; smiling, laughing, talking. My thoughts drifted back to that night over and over. I had missed him. I just wanted to rest in his arms. I shoved it aside but it wouldn’t stop replaying. The **monster** inside of me daydreamed without my consent, controlled my brain with heavy doses of poison. It scared me. Before that night, I never quite realized how easy it was to give in to the _thing_ inside and...I kind of wanted to do it again. My own thoughts made me freeze, eyes widening. I remembered that heart from my dream, the one pumping waste, and I was starting to understand how it had gotten that bad. It was because of **_me_** , it was _all_ because of me. I couldn’t control it, heck, I had probably been feeding into it for a while now, in the background. I talked to Izaya as if I even had a fighting chance, but had I really? In the past, I might have, but it felt like I passed the point of no return without realizing. I clenched my fist as I laid there, staring at the white ceiling. Still, _still_ , I had to try. What kind of person would I be if I just gave up and threw in the towel now? Especially when I knew what that meant. Maybe it’d be safest if I just stayed in my room again. 

My phone rang, causing me to jump. The ringtone was Anri’s. It was a pretty cute tune, a cheerful little piano piece playing softly. Most of the time I’d find it comforting, yet, it’s meaning had changed. I took my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. It was twelve in the morning, around the same time she had called before. I let the ringtone play for a moment, debating whether I should answer. If I told her how I was feeling, I knew it’d worry her, heck, she might even end up hating me for real this time. However, if I didn’t answer, she’d assume something happened. Besides, I had just gotten back to talking to her properly, could I really ruin that? Maybe I could manage to avoid the topic. I put on a brave face and picked up.

“Hey Anri! It’s so great to hear from you again!” I said with forced bravado. She giggled a bit.

“You’re in a good mood. You sounded so upset last time, did something happen?” she said and I bit my lip. This act of mine, whenever I managed to pull it off, it always fooled everyone. A part of me sort of wishes it _didn’t_.

“Yeah, I’m talking to you right now!” I said, laying it on pretty thick. She took a while to respond. Crap, I might have messed up.

“I’m glad it makes you happy, Masaomi,” she said, sounding hesitant.

“Anri? Is everything okay?” I asked, knowing full well I was being hypocritical. 

“It’s just, feels so sudden. Did Izaya...say something to you?”

“No, I didn’t talk to him yesterday at all actually,” I said truthfully.

“I feel like you’re lying to me,” she admitted. That _hurt_ , she was right not to trust me, I know, but...

“I’m not, I promise. I stayed in my room actually and I only talked to you,” I said.

“All day?” she asked, alarmed.

“Y-yeah,” I confirmed shakily then, “It wasn’t because of anything serious! I just needed the time to clear my head.”

“Okay, and want conclusions did you come to? Are you happy with them?” she finally asked.

“I-I…” I was stunned silent.

“You’re not really happy, are you?” she asked and I sighed.

“No, not really.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me? I thought we were being more honest with each other,” she said, clearly irritated. 

“I don’t know! I got scared again…”

“Did I upset you last time by asking for the address? Was I too pushy?” she asked worriedly.

“No! You didn’t upset me last time, I just...I’m sorry!” I said, bowing my head, though she couldn’t see it.

“Sorry for what?” she asked, alarmed.

“I thought through all your questions and I don’t really have any clear answers. I know what I said before but, I’m not really sure _how_ he’s important to me. It sort of feels like I want him to be more than a friend, but I’m not sure. I don’t understand why I see him the way I do either. I really wish I had better answers and I know none of that is reassuring, but.” She let out a small gasp.

“M-more than a friend?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure in what way. Again, I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong and I know it makes me a certain kind of person, but that’s just how things are for me right now,” I said, sitting up and looking down, anxiously waiting for a response.

“Certain kind of-” she began, then, interrupting herself, “Wait, listen, I remember Celty talking about this. Masaomi, that might be Stockholm syndrome, and, if that’s true, it’s really not safe for you there.” I shook my head.

“No, I’ve already thought about that possibility. It’s not that, I _wish_ it was. It’s not lust either it’s...I don’t know,” I said, pulling my knee up to my chest. “Do you hate me?”

“What? No, of course not!” she assured me. “I-I’m just surprised. I mean, you feeling that way about Izaya, well, anyone feeling that way about him, is shocking, but..” I knew her unspoken words.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” I said for her, “I mean, after everything he’s done. Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” She paused.

“You’re not in the best headspace right now. You haven’t been for a while now, ever since...He’s probably taking advantage of that, I think he's gotten into your head,” she suggested gently. I wanted to think that yet, he didn’t even know I had these feelings until I told him and things had gotten horribly twisted since then. It seemed like we were both just as confused about it, the only difference was Izaya was confident his theory was right and I had no clue. Between now and then, what had changed?

“I…” I struggled to say the words. “...I don't think he has.”

“But, Masaomi, why else would you feel that way?” I flinched back. Because, I’m not a good person. I’m becoming a **monster**.

I fell silent, gritting my teeth.

“I-I don’t know, I’ll figure it out though. I promise,” I lied. She hesitated.

“You keep saying that. I can’t help but wonder, are you really figuring it out or are you just _avoiding_ it?” she asked. My eyes widened and I froze. “Or maybe, you have the answers and you just don’t like them? If so I understand. You’re in a scary situation and it’s hard to think about, but you can always get out. Celty is always willing to come find you.” She was right, she was so right, I wish she wasn’t.

“You’re right, but still, I want to _stay_. Why do you suppose that is?” She processed this.

“I’m not sure,” she finally admitted anxiously. 

“Yeah well, that makes two of us,” I said, smiling weakly. 

There was a knock on my door. I was relieved, I wasn’t sure how much more of this conversation I could handle. “I should probably go, but, thanks for calling. I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your questions.”

“O-okay,” she said and I could tell she didn’t want to hang up. “Masaomi, I’m calling you tomorrow!” Her usually soft tone became determined. I found myself laughing a little.

“Sure, talk to you then,” I agreed.

“You’re not going to fight me?” she asked, confused.

“No, I like talking to you and, besides, I appreciate you listening to me.” Before her and Mikado, I had no one to really talk to about all this.

“I’m glad it helps! Tomorrow then,” she said.

“Yeah, goodbye for now.”

“Bye!” she chimed, sounding more assured. 

I finally hung up, my tense body relaxing. Anri had a habit of asking all the questions I didn’t want answered, and, honestly, that’s probably what I needed right now. I’d keep holding myself accountable even when I wanted to give up, even if the fight was for nothing, if not for me but for _them_. 

“Come in!” I called to the door and it opened. Namie walked in, switching the light on and I squinted at the sudden light. She carried a tray with two ice bags and a covered plate. She looked over at me though didn't smile, she usually didn’t, I don’t think she meant anything by it. Still, it was _dead intimidating._

“I brought you breakfast and some ice for your leg,” she told me, closing the door behind her with her foot. She put the tray on the bedside table and I watched her curiously. She never came off as the caring type, though she could be nice in her own ways and she only seemed to worry in small spurts. So, I expected her to see me locking myself in my room as temporary or think it’d be better if I was left alone. It was good she came, I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to leave my room for food. I grinned at her.

“Thanks so much!” I said and she offered me a small smile.

“Can I look at your leg? I may not be a doctor, but, I know enough to be able to tell if Izaya’s assessment was correct,” she asked, sitting on the side of my bed. What the Hell kind of job did she have, then?

“S-sure,” I said, nervously.

I pulled my covers down, revealing the casted leg. I woke up with it back on yesterday, Izaya must have put it on when I was sleeping. As I watched Namie undo it, I remembered what she said. “You two don’t understand the first thing when it comes to affection”, she hadn’t been wrong, but, maybe she understood it better than I did. After all, she’s the reason I had started to think maybe there was more than just love and lust.

“Namie, can I ask you something?”

“Hm?” she wondered, examining my leg carefully.

“Um, it’s sort of awkward,” I warned. She didn’t even look up from my leg or respond at all, so I continued. “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about affection. You seem to know a lot so, I was sort of wondering...what’s the difference between love and lust?” I expected her to be surprised or have some sort of negative reaction, but her smile only widened and she kept her concentration.

“When you’re in love with someone, or emotionally attracted to them, you enjoy their personality. Meanwhile, if you’re sexually attracted to someone, you appreciate certain physical attributes of theirs,” she said matter of factly, which I appreciated.

“O-oh. Is there a difference between sexual attraction and physical attraction?” I asked, face flushing slightly and I looked away.

“It depends on how you define them. If by physical attraction you mean you like certain aspects of their appearance, but don’t want to sleep with them, I would say so,” she said. Was I physically attracted to him then?

“So then, is physical attraction sort of...the in between of love and lust?” I asked and she finally seemed surprised. She stared at me, wide-eyed, then burst out laughing. My face turned completely red in embarrassment and I bit my lip. 

“You can feel both, you know.”

“Really?” I asked, blinking.

“Of course! Attraction isn’t a perfect scale. You can love someone and _also_ be physically or sexually attracted to them, that doesn’t make that love any less valuable,” she told me. I felt dumb for not realizing. Of course, it was more complicated than I thought. My eyebrows furrowed. “Why did you think married couples sleep with each other?”

“I-I don’t know. I never really thought about it,” I admitted. That part of relationships was always in the dark for me. “I guess, it just all fell under love for me.”

“Oh, you were trying to put it all under only _two categories_?” She grinned in amusement. I nodded shyly. “Now I understand why you were so confused. Do you feel better now, or worse?” A million times worse.

“Well, it’s a little overwhelming. It’s like...I didn’t know where I fell before and now there’s just more options,” I explained carefully.

“You shouldn’t find more options intimidating, it just means your result will be more accurate,” she pointed out, then, “We’re talking about that scumbag, right?” I found myself laughing at her aggression. It was honestly therapeutic to hear her say that, in a way.

“Yeah, that sounds right,” I joked and she smiled.

“Are you questioning how you feel about him?” I looked down, my bangs falling into my face.

“I thought I knew how I felt, but, recently, I’ve been bouncing around ideas and I’m not really sure what one’s right,” I said. I hoped she did.

“What were your ideas?”

“At first I thought it was just love, then Stockholm syndrome, then lust, then some sort of physical attraction, and now, I have no idea,” I explained. She laughed again.

“How did it get so distorted?” I wondered the same thing, though I didn’t mind her asking. It didn’t feel like it did with Anri. There was less of an urgency for answers, she was just curious. She just wanted to hear me ramble.

“Well...I’m not sure. I originally went with love because I hadn’t really considered anything else, and, when I was trying to figure it out, people kept making suggestions. They all sounded right so…” I said and she raised her eyebrow.

“Let me guess, one of those people were Izaya?” I hesitantly nodded and she sighed, standing and crossing her arms. I might have accidentally annoyed her.

“Look, he isn’t going to tell you so I _will._ He parades around as if he’s some sort of genius, but, in reality, he’s an idiot that knows just as much about this as you do. It’s the same with most things. He only fools people into thinking he’s smart by either lying or confidently asserting something provably false over and over until people just start to believe him,” she said, gesturing dramatically. 

“I’m not sure about that. I mean, I hardly understand myself, so he probably knows me better than I do. Oh, but, in this case, I know he’s wrong. Though, he seems to genuinely think it’s true,” I said, pausing at my own words. When was the last time I said, no, truly _believed_ he was wrong?

“So you can admit that he’s not always right? Good, he’ll completely mess up your head otherwise,” she said. I looked down in shame. I’m pretty sure he already had and I was a complete sucker for it. Although, in this case, did he really intend to? “Whatever he said to you, just forget about it. Does that make things clearer?” I shook my head.

“Not really. Even without his theories, there’s still plenty of questions and things people pointed out that I don’t have answers for,” I confessed.

“Well then, the solution is quite simple really. _Throw out_ anything anyone ever told you about it. Stop working with theories and assumptions that don’t make sense anymore. Start from scratch,” she said, motioning for me to “go ahead”, giving me a moment to clear my thoughts.

It was hard, but I did my best to just forget about it. I’d put anything Izaya, Celty, Shinra, Mikado, or Anri on the back burner for now. “Have you done it?”

“I-I think so,” I said, unsure.

“Good. Now, with all of that out of the way, without any subtext, how do you feel about Izaya? Describe it to me,” she said. There was that question again, the question that always stopped me in my tracks and made my head spin. I fell silent. She flicked my bangs out of my face scoldingly. “You’re overthinking it. Don’t try to clean it up, just let it out.”

“But, Namie, it doesn’t make any sense. You’re going to think I’m insane,” I said, tired of everyone painting me in that light. They were right, but it _hurt_ more than anything.

“That’s fine. We’re starting from scratch, remember? It doesn’t need to make sense right away, you just have to get all your ideas out there. Go ahead, I won’t make fun of you.” I looked at her for a moment. She probably wasn't very judgemental...considering, and it was possible this could help. I was desperate for solutions, so. I took a deep breath.

“Okay, so, I guess…” I paused, chewing on my lip, cheeks flushing, “I sort of like him. I mean, he makes me laugh when I’d rather be crying, and I kind of hope he knows that but, it’s probably just a coincidence. He’s just, weird, or well, maybe quirky is the word, and I guess I find that funny.” I looked up at her to see her reaction. Her face was neutral.

“Go on,” she said simply, reassuring me. I peered away, too embarrassed to say any of it while looking directly at her.

“I guess I see him as nice, to me at least. I mean, I know he isn’t really and he has other _motivators_ , but it means a lot to me when he realizes I’m upset or worried and tries to work through it with me. He sort of sees the pain I’m hiding that no one else does,” I explained, looking up again and she smiled.

“Would you find it overwhelming if someone took a more emotional approach?” she asked. I hadn’t considered why I liked his way of helping before.

“Oh. Since you mention it, I guess I do kind of like the way he walks me through things. It helps me see all the little details, which then makes it all less intimidating. I can come to the conclusion by myself too, so it feels more complete. I wonder if he always walks through things logically like that. He’s pretty smart, I can’t help but admire that about him.” I could tell she didn’t agree but nodded. I was getting a strange feeling of deja vu. “For these reasons, well, it’s stupid but, I like being around him and I...oh gosh.” I stopped, face flushing, cringing at myself.

“What?” she asked, tilting her head.

“Lately I’ve sort of missed him, a lot. I can't stop thinking about him,” I said, butterflies fluttering in my stomach and I smiled to myself. What the Hell?

“In more than a friendly way, I imagine,” she said and my face turned red.

“I-it’s nothing like that! I just want to talk to him...really badly. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t talked to him for a few days,” I said and she chuckled.

“It’s only been a day and a half. You certainly don’t feel that way about a friend, no matter how much you like them.” She made a good point... My heart stopped and my eyes widened.

Suddenly, it came back to me. Her words, that weird feeling in my chest, trying to separate the possibilities, made me remember my conversation with Mikado and why my words sounded so _familiar:_

_“Forget about Izaya. What makes you attracted to a person in general?”_

_“Probably someone that’s_ **_smart_ ** _,_ **_kind_ ** _,_ **_funny_ ** _, and_ **_quirky_ ** _.”_

 _“And how many of those descriptors do you think fit Izaya?”_ His last words echoed in my head. That night I thought maybe some of them might, but I pushed that idea aside because I thought it was insane. Besides, I meant like Saki, Izaya wasn’t like Saki...was he? No, he couldn’t be, yet even so. When Anri had asked if I saw him as a friend, I knew I didn’t, and just before I...

_“Important? As a friend or...as something else?”_

_“It sort of feels like I want him to be more than a friend, but I’m not sure.”_

I began to quiver and I could feel myself holding my breath. I knew, I knew but I couldn’t say it, I couldn’t think it, I wanted to delay it as much as possible. I just wanted time to _stop_.

“Has it sunk in?” Namie asked with a gentle smile.

“I-I-” I said, stunned speechless. She frowned.

“Is it _really_ that surprising?” she wondered.

“It can’t be, or, I’m confused. I mean, none of that fits Izaya at all, right?” I asked, looking at her desperately.

“Why not, why can’t it?” she said and I blinked. 

_“What?”_

“I personally wouldn’t describe Izaya the way you did, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Why isn’t it possible that he just treats you differently, or that you see a side of him no one else does?” she asked. I stared down at my lap.

“He’s only treating me differently because he finds me interesting, or something, he’s done it before,” I said. I doubted it would last. I had managed to extend my time but, only for a while. If I was lucky, my dilemma would keep him interested for a little while longer. I was running out of time. She calmly placed the ice bags on my legs, probably worried they’d become warm, before responding.

“Oh, so he’s made it a habit, then?” she asked with a smirk. “He called you his friend, didn’t he? He doesn’t usually do that, at least not to anyone directly. If you ask me, he _clearly_ cares about you in _some_ way.”

“You think so?” I asked and she nodded. It made me sick that I was sort of getting my hopes up. “B-but even if that were the case, it doesn’t make sense for me to feel that way about...someone like him. It’s just, _wrong_ , and if I did, even after everything he’s done and will probably do, doesn't that mean I’m a _bad person?_ ” I knew the answer. It meant the thing inside of me had been growing, taking over in a direction I hadn’t realized.

“You just explained to me why you liked him, it makes sense to me and anyway, what does the way he treats others have to do with _you_ ?” I looked over at her, completely baffled. “Love isn’t about anyone else but you and them. If you ask me, everyone else is irrelevant.” I knew she was intense but _that_ surprised me.

“Well, because they mean the world to me, and I don’t want them to ever get **_hurt_ ** ,” I never want to **_betray_ ** them, **_disappoint_ **them, anything, but I couldn’t say that. “Even without them, it’s still a part of his personality and he’s done things to me too. Yet…”

“Yet, you can’t help but see the best in him,” she finished for me, giving me a soft look. I just stared at her. She had said the words I never thought I’d hear from anyone else but me. “It’s up to you to decide how you’re feeling. I won’t force a classification on you. However, in my opinion, that sounds like _love_.” I hid behind my bangs, covering my dark expression.

“ _How?_ How did I go from absolutely _hating_ him to... _this?_ ” I asked, mostly to myself. Until...well, I’m not sure, I never saw any good qualities in him. I was on the straight and narrow, I was being careful! When did that _thing_ start to take over, what planted it, where did it come from, and why did a part of me _not even care?_ Namie thought it over.

“I’m sure something happened between you two that made you change your mind. Do you remember?” she proposed and I gave it some good thought before shaking my head.

“I don’t even know what could change my mind that dramatically…” _and it scares me,_ but the idea of going back, unraveling this, scared me too. What if I remembered and discovered nothing was there?

“I doubt it happened dramatically, it must have changed gradually over time,” she argued then, heading to the bedside table, “It’ll come back to you, don’t push yourself.” She took the tray of food and carefully placed it on my lap, focusing most of the weight on my good leg. My other leg stung slightly in protest, but I didn’t complain. “For now, eat your breakfast before it gets cold.” Her tone was oddly light and she patted my head.

It took a lot of effort but I managed a smile.

“O-okay. Thanks for listening to me, Namie,” I said and she grinned.

“No problem…” she trailed off, biting her lip as she tried to remember my name.

“Masaomi,” I told her.

“Masaomi,” she repeated. She shuffled to the door. “I’ll just be in the sitting room if you need me.” She hesitated, hand lingering on the handle and giving me a glance. In the end, she shook the thought away and left. I watched after her curiously, yet, at the time, I didn’t think much of it. I couldn’t read her if I tried, after all. I listened as her footsteps became quieter and quieter. She never could remember my name and she had her... _quirks_ , but, you know, she was sort of a good friend.

I carefully took the bowl off from over the plate, the trapped heat escaping and warming my face. She had made scrambled eggs with a side of jam toast. I stared at it. I didn’t want to let her cooking go to waste yet, I wasn’t exactly hungry either. My stomach kept churning and my head was racing. That realization, I knew I should be thinking through it but, I couldn’t help but I want to forget it all. It changed everything for me and I wasn’t sure how I would cope. Still, Namie had helped, eating at least some of it was the least I could do for her. I sucked it up and picked up the fork, forcing my trembling hand still. I cut through the eggs and began to eat them. The same thought echoed in my head over and over again, “what am I? What the _Hell_ am I?” I tried to push it back, yet it was too loud, the volume only increasing the more I fought it. “What am I becoming, or am I already something else? How long have I been this way? Was it because of something I did or would it always have ended up like that?” they screamed. If this wasn't lust and what Namie said was true, didn’t that mean I was also _something else_ entirely? The shaking of my hand worsened, the fork rattling against my plate. I could feel the tears form in my eyes. I ignored them and they only became larger, pooling there. I was quickly becoming overwhelmed by all the confusion, emotions, and possibilities, my mind, my body could hardly contain it. I thought all my tears had dried last night yet, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking into a sob. 

The tears fell down, slow at first then fast, gathering on the plate and making my eggs soggy. I tried to continue eating, as if it wasn’t happening at all, tried to pretend things were the same as they were before, tried to run away from the gripping fear instead of me. But, I couldn’t. I was running and my time was up. It had always been this way, hadn’t it? With every new realization, I was trapped. I couldn’t peddle backward, I’d always end up at the same spot with the same realization over and over. It was like I was riding between two mountains, the hill behind too steep to go back up, the one in front seeming just as tall, too mysterious for me to soar over. I was stuck going back and forth in the ravine and, eventually, all the mud on my bike caused it to be stuck in the middle, leaving me alone with the _truth_ . Either that or I was stuck at the top, finally realizing the other side was a sheer drop down into pointed rock. It didn’t matter, I would still lose in both scenarios. I struggled to swallow my food, the rabid spinning of my stomach and rumble of my throat making it difficult. I ate as much as I could before giving up, putting the tray aside so I could lay down and curl up. I buried my face in my pillow, letting my muffled sobs finally become louder, grabbing onto the sheets. The thoughts wouldn’t shut up! I wished I could just drift away to _somewhere else._

I cried and cried, eventually giving up on fighting and letting all my thoughts run wild. They filled my head, banging at the side of my skull and giving me a headache. It was so bad I had to turn the lamp off, the light only making it worse. I must have laid there for hours, mourning a reality I didn’t fully understand, letting out confused and terrified tears. I wasn’t interrupted and, after what felt like centuries, I exhausted every last drop, the lake becoming smaller and smaller until my eyes, despite my continuing dramatic mental state, were left completely dry. My shivering body became still, my muscles beginning to protest until I let them rest. With all my emotional outlets burned out, all I could do was stare at the blank wall in front of me. I looked at it, unmoving, until it didn’t seem so plain anymore, noticing the tiny details. After that I looked even further until the details began to blend together, my vision becoming hazy, and my gaze didn’t move until my eyelids shut and my disgruntled body granted my wish. My body relaxed and my mind silenced as it went black. If only that artificial peace could have lasted. 

When I opened my eyes I was greeted by a dark, empty, crossroads. It took me a moment to even realize I was in the city. I was placed smack dab in the middle and I stood there, glancing around in confusion. The area around me was partially lit up by a dim lamp post and the rest of it was pitch black. Though, as I squinted into the darkness of the closest alley way, I swore I saw something nearby. It was yellow in color, sticking out into the light, folded as if it were fabric. In a way, I recognized it. But...no, it can’t be. I hesitated, swallowing. Was it even safe enough to call out or move toward it? I needed answers and it would come out eventually, whether I liked it or not, so.

“H-hello?” I called out quietly and I heard a laugh. The figure moved out from the shadows and my eyes widened. That yellow was, infact, a _yellow scarf_. Though, it didn’t look exactly how I remembered, having a sort of greenish tint.

“You know, I wasn’t really expecting you to say anything. After all, you’re as skittish as a mouse now, isn’t that right?” the familiar voice asked, almost mockingly, eyes covered by his sickly yellow bangs.

“You’re…” The me from my past, the me before this mess ever even happened. Hell, maybe even before the incident.

“You? Well, sort of. I’m like your left brain, let's say, or, the Jekyll to your Hyde. You get my meaning?” He smiled widely but I knew from experience it was strained. I nodded slowly. 

“So then, why are you here? I asked then, biting my lip, “Are you here because you’re mad.”

“Mad? Why would I be mad, hm? Tell me,” he said in a threatening tone and I looked down.

“B-because I...I…” I fell silent. I couldn’t say those words, not out loud.

“You can’t even say it? So you realize how awful it is, and yet you don’t do anything about it?” he asked.

“That’s not true! I promised myself I wouldn’t give in, that I’d keep fighting it no matter what,” I told him, putting my hand on my heart.

“Yet here you are, shacking up with that bastard, talking to him like a friend and daydreaming about him in your free time,” he said with a sharp smile. “You make me sick.”

“It isn’t like that!”

“Oh really? Then why did you run away with him, answer me that,” he said, but I didn’t have any answers besides… “You may make promises and say you’re trying, but in reality, you’re doing nothing. I’d dare to say you aren’t even fighting it, Hell, I’d say you’ve been purposefully feeding into this all the time.” I clenched my fists, biting my tongue. Reality, I was becoming sick of that word. What he said probably wasn’t wrong, if anything, it was the truth. In the long run, what had I really done to try to stop this? 

“Do you get some sick pleasure out of getting off on the guy that hurt Saki and Mikado? Is that it?” he asked.

“I’m not getting off on him! What I’m feeling isn’t lust, it’s…” I trailed off again.

“Does it even matter? You’re still enjoying yourself with _him_ , it’s perverted no matter how you try to paint it,” he said bitingly. I began to tremble. In the past this is what I wanted, wasn’t it? Past me to come and beat me back into my senses. Yet, now, the last thing I wanted was to hear this.

“That doesn’t mean I think the things he did are okay, and I’m still mad at him for what happened to them.” I stared down at my feet.

“Must be why you failed to get revenge for both of them and let that dirtbag win. I can’t believe you! After everything you went through for them, how could you just abandon them!” he shouted, his eyes finally showing. They blazed like the fiery sun in a desert, the tears there doing nothing to distinguish the flames. I took a step back. He was right, I was being completely disrespectful to both of them. I might as well be taking joy from their misery. As far as I know, Izaya might be planning to manipulate Mikado again, and what have I done about it?

“I...I didn’t mean to-” I tried to explain but, before I could finish, he reached over, slapping me hard on the face.

I stumbled back, falling down and staring up at him in stunned silence.

“I’m tired of hearing your bullshit! Stop making excuses and doing nothing! What were you going to do about it? Stay with that monster and just mop about it for a while? You’re a coward!” he said and I stood, gritting my teeth.

“As if you’re one to talk! What have you ever done?” I shouted. Why was I biting back when he had good reason to be mad at me? Why was I fighting against the one person that could put me in my place?

“What have I done? Oh I don’t know, I only saved your sorry ass from Izaya, the one you were stupid enough to get involved with, and dug Mikado out of all that shit he was in. Clearly, I’ve done more than you!” The anger inside me faded at his words. Tears filled my eyes.

“I don’t mean to be so stupid,” I whispered, taking in a shaky breath. “I don’t mean to be so weak or selfish, I’m just trying to do what seems best in the moment.”

“And there’s your problem! Constantly letting people in, allowing them to mess with your head, growing attached,” he said, walking over and putting his arm around my shoulder. 

“ _I’m_ the only one that can keep you safe. I’ll keep you onguard and ready to fight. People like Izaya can’t touch you when _I’m_ around,” he said and I looked away as he leaned his face toward mine.

“But it hurts, being so scared and angry all the time,” I said quietly. The city was calm now, why couldn’t I be calm too? Why could I never relax?

“So you’re just giving up then? You’re going to let it consume you and _betray_ them?” he asked.

“No! I just…” Want to be happy. “It isn’t fair.”

“There you go, whining again. _Life_ isn’t fair and these are the cards you were dealt _. I_ know how to deal with them, _I_ know how to save you,” he said, tightening his grip around my shoulder. “So, are you going to get yourself out of this or not? _I’ll_ tell you what to do, just listen to _me_.” He offered his hand to shake on it. I hated this. I wanted to scream, to yell, I wanted to run away and I wanted to punch myself in my stupid God damn face, even if he was right, even if I should listen to him. It was becoming clearer and clearer how deep into this I had gotten, that I couldn’t save myself. I slowly moved my hand towards his, fingers trembling. His toothy grin only became larger as I got close to making contact. I was just about to grab it when we both heard an alarmed voice.

“Wait!”

I immediately stopped, coming back to my senses, or, lack thereof as my hand fell to my side. We both turned to see a figure rushing towards us. It was me, again, but strange, corrupted. He wore a jacket similar to Izaya’s, zipped all the way up, furry hoodie bouncing as they ran. Unlike the original, the fur was purple, the color bleeding down slightly onto the black, Hell, even onto their pale skin. It ran up from their neck to their face, seeping into one of his eyes, but it didn’t seem to bother him. At first I was scared, yet, his face didn’t show any aggression, wearing a gentle though panicked expression. In fact, something about him felt oddly _warm_ and, as he came closer, I slowly relaxed. He stopped at the intersection just in front of us, panting and the other me scowled at him in disgust.

“No one invited you here, _blueberry_. Don’t get involved,” he said harshly, which didn’t seem to bother him. Unlike me, he wasn’t intimidated by that side of me at all. Once he caught his breath, he looked at me, completely ignoring him.

“Don’t listen to him, he’s a snake!” he said and, due to something in their words, some innocent honesty, I found myself pulling away from him, stepping back onto the intersection behind us. He snarled, stepping back into his own intersection. We all watched each other, the middle empty.

“Don’t listen to him Masaomi, his head is screwed. He’s a _weak_ traitor that doesn’t know what's good for you,” he said and the purple me finally acknowledged him, shooting him a glare.

“I can’t believe _you_ of all people are calling me a traitor! Yeah, maybe I’m a coward, but so what? At least I don’t hurt people,” he said, pain filling his infected eyes. “You talk about loyalty and betrayal as if you’ve never turned your back on anyone, but that’s all you ever do!” The other one laughed.

“Oh, and when did I do that? As I said earlier, I helped both Masaomi and Mikado. All you ever did is abandon Saki, so don’t talk to me about _loyalty_ ,” the leader of the Yellow Scarves said and the corrupted one flinched, but stood their ground.

“You’re forgetting what you did to Anri and Celty,” he said, pointing at him accusingly and his smoldering eyes widened. My eyes narrowed.

“What did you do?” I asked accusingly. He didn’t reply, grinding his teeth and staring down.

“He accused Anri of betraying you and Mikado and harrassed Celty. He’s the one they both hated and caused those gang wars that only made problems worse,” the purple one explained and I stared at him in shock.

“That was...you?”

“You say that as if it’s a _bad thing!_ I was just doing what was _necessary_ to keep Mikado safe and, now that we know them better, we can keep them safe too. Those gang wars were the only solution!” the aggressive one argued.

“Only solution? We could have talked things out with both of them! No one had to get hurt!” I screeched, gripping onto my hoodie. “I never want things to get back to the way they used to be. The three of us not talking to each other, going behind each other’s backs, lying all the time...I don’t ever want us to fight again! If anything, _that’s_ what made Mikado spiral. If that’s what you want, I won’t let you get your way!” I said, looking at him in determination. He just laughed, shrugging.

“Fine. Hate me, whatever, but how else do you plan to escape Izaya? Surely you’ll have to use me at some point, I mean, this idiot won’t help you, unless...you want to become a **monster**.” That word shook me to my core, making me flinch back. 

There was a tense silence before the purple one, looking away in thought, spoke.

“You know what I think?” he asked and we both peered over at him. “If cruelty is the only way for you to fix your problems, maybe you’re the real **_monster_ **.”

"That's funny, coming from the person that gives into all his desires without even putting up a fight. I mean, just look at him! Wearing his jacket and letting that bastard's influence spill into him. Can that _thing_ even be considered human anymore?” the yellow-scarved one said, giving him a cold look. The purple one’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“I might not be human and most people don’t agree with me, but I don’t care. I’m happy, and is the desire to be happy really so **monstrous**?” 

“If you find your happiness with him! Doesn’t the saying go if you lie with dirty dogs you’ll get fleas? You could have fallen for anyone in the city yet you chose him? What do you think that says about you?” the gang leader asked, grabbing onto the lover’s shoulders. “Are you attracted to the twisted? Did you get a taste of the dark side and desperately needed more? But no, you didn’t just need a little, you have to cross that line then go all the way to the top! I guess Izaya is perfect for that if you need to constantly be fed _poison_. Now, explain it to me, how is that pure?” he asked, leaning in threateningly close to his face. I wasn’t the one being interrogated, but his words made my heart sting. If it had been me I would have broken, yet, they still didn’t.

“I didn't _choose_ anything. The only then I chose was to be true to myself! I’m not attracted to the horrible side of him, I’m attracted to the things _you_ refuse to see. If seeing the good in someone makes me a **monster** , then so be it! You’re so caught up in the idea of revenge, it's as if you want to be angry for the rest of your life. You don’t want Masaomi to be happy, no, you’re asking him to be dissatisfied for the rest of his life. Have you ever truly forgiven yourself or anyone? Mikado and Anri, are you just going to treat them horribly like you did before?” he yelled back, stepping toward the aggressive one and causing him to take a step back. Why, why did I find myself rooting for him?

“Everything I did was for their own good and all I’m asking is for him to control himself!” the other one insisted.

“Bullshit! You’re the one that lacks control! You give into every aggressive inclination as if that makes you strong, but, really, you’re the weakest of them all because you refuse to ever change! You’re too afraid to let yourself feel anything and, maybe I feel too much, but that’s a much better fate than just being a hollow shell!” the purple one said and I could tell it hit him hard, the yellow one staring at the ground, frowning and not saying a word. I felt another pang in my chest and, for once, it finally fell silent. The wind blew briskly through the intersection, ruffling all our hair and clothes, cold to the touch, just like our words.

“You ungrateful...” the fighter said, clenching his fist, then, with a smile, “Fine, turn into a **monster** if you want. I’ll be there to say, ‘I told you so’ when you come crawling back,” he said, turning and walking past me. “You know where to find me,” he murmured to me before going down my crossroad and disappearing into the night. We stared after him. After I was certain he wouldn’t return, I looked over to the purple one. I wasn’t sure how to thank him. I mean, if it wasn’t for him, what would the other have convinced me to become? Idiot, I’m not supposed to be agreeing with him! He stared longingly in the distance for a moment before speaking.

“So…” he began and I listened curiously,” after all of that...do you still _hate_ me?” He suddenly turned to me, his infected purple eye shining in the darkness, staring into my soul. Except, that wasn’t what happened at all. No, because my vision suddenly shifted and, instead of looking into that bright violet, I looked into a set of amber eyes. They were trembling, contorted in fear as they looked at _me_ . He gasped as if to speak, to shout, yet the words simply wouldn’t come out. _My fears were right._

I woke up with a start, bursting up. I let out a gasp, as if I was underwater that whole time and only now just resurfaced for a breath of air. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I was sweating. His question haunted me. Deep down, I knew I should have hated him and, in reality, I really didn’t. His words made sense to me, completely pulled me under and seduced me. They made me feel warm inside and I couldn’t help but settle for them. This part of me is what doomed me to become him. Actually no, I _already_ was him. Humanity is so fragile, you can just have it snatched out of your hands just like that. I didn’t even see it coming. The other one was right, no, he was corrupted too. I bit down hard on my lip in irritation, the force causing it to bleed. Why was being good so difficult, or, was every side of me just not capable of it? Not even this one? I punched the air. “Why is it all so complicated!” I wished I had the courage to yell.

I reached over to the curtains on my window, practically shoving them aside, hoping looking outside would make this body feel like less of a jail cell. The tray was gone from my bedside table, Namie must have taken it. It was night out and I could barely see a thing. I just kept sleeping through the days and waking up at odd hours. I was losing my mind. As I stared out the window into the snow-covered backyard, the ice reflecting in the setting sun, taking deep breaths to attempt to center myself, my phone rang. It wasn’t Anri or Mikado’s ringtone, yet it wasn’t the default one either. It was...different. Menacing is the way I’d describe it. It was a creepy, horror-like piano piece that set my nerves on edge. I had never heard it, let alone remember setting it for anyone. Was it possible for someone to hack into a phone and change it? Either way, it was too strange for me to ignore so, despite not feeling up to it, I picked up. I didn’t say anything, I just listened. There was silence and my eyebrows furrowed, heart stopping. I swallowed.

“H-hello? Who is this?” I asked anxiously, preparing myself for the worst. I heard a familiar laugh and my heart started beating again. Hell, it beat faster than before.

“Oh, it’s just you,” I said, the relief showing in my voice. It didn’t really surprise me he had my number after all these years and, well, he had snooped through my phone before so, he must have changed the ringtone then. I actually felt a bit dumb for not suspecting it was him.

“ _Just_ me? I’m offended,” Izaya joked and I smiled weakly. “I hope your day wasn’t too dreadful without me. Did you and Namie have fun together or did you just try to ignore each other? I imagine the latter, you and that woman have nothing in common.” Guilt filled me. He had no clue what I had become and I hardly had the courage to break it to him. It was wrong of me to hide it from him, to not tell him what was sleeping just a couple of rooms away from him, what was eating his food, what he had decided to call a “friend” despite everything. I knew that, but how do you break that to someone? Out of everyone, he’d take it the hardest, I just knew, and he was the person I wanted to hurt the least. But why? I gripped onto my hoodie. I couldn’t help but just want to pretend everything was normal. 

“We talked some,” I admitted, trying to build up my nerves.

“What on Earth about? Do you two have some shared hobby I don’t know about or, perhaps, are you scheming behind my back?” I should just tell him, everything, my feelings, what I was, rip the bandaid off before I can even process the pain, yet I couldn’t. I pushed and I pushed and the words wouldn’t come out. Selfish worries filled my head and I couldn’t let them go. I didn’t want him to hate me, not after everything, not after I managed to become his friend at least. I always had the option to pull the plug, yet I didn’t. That part of me that desired this more than anything, whose feelings could be described as a _twisted love_ , is now becoming my _whole_. That purple is spilling all over my skin. So, I lied.

“Nothing interesting, just small talk,” I said, trying to sound as casual as I could.

“That sounds terribly boring. Honestly, you two are hopeless without me,” he teased. He sounded so upbeat, so happy. I wanted to cup that joy in my hands and keep it there. “Don’t tell me that’s the only thing you did. Did you eat today or talk to any of your friends? What did _you_ do?” Why did he care so much?

“I ate breakfast then fell asleep, I guess,” I said and he laughed in disbelief. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest.

“You went back to bed? Why? Did you stay up last night?” he asked and I bit my lip. I hoped he hadn’t heard my crying. To think I was so scared back then, yet it didn’t hold a candle to the fear I felt now.

“Yeah, I was texting with someone and didn’t notice the time,” I said as convincingly as I could.

“Is that so? That was silly of you,” he said though his voice suddenly sounded a bit annoyed. I hesitated. I wasn’t able to ask before but, when I couldn’t see his face, maybe I could ask now. It was the least I could do.

“I know this going to sound stupid, um...are you okay?” I asked. I expected him to take a while to respond, yet he shot a response back immediately. 

“Are you?” I blinked. That’s right, he could just tell. No matter how much I tried to mask it, he could always tell. Everyone else had to back me into a corner, yet he didn’t even have to ask anything, it was already clear to him. In a dumb way, that meant a lot to me. When I was talking to him it was just me, the real me, and him. _Just us_ , or well, whatever version of him he showed. I could be honest, I didn’t have to fight so much, I knew that’s what he wanted me to feel. I knew it was a trap, and I was walking into it, completely willing.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. How could I know how I was feeling when I didn’t know myself anymore? What was I, why was I feeling the way I was? I had become something I didn’t recognize.

“That’s not good,” he mused, then, “what’s on your mind?” _You_.

“Well, a lot,” I said vaguely, messing with my bangs.

“Are you playing with your bangs again?” he guessed. My eyes widened and I immediately stopped.

“How did you know?” Did he _seriously_ have cameras around the house? I looked around self-consciously. 

“Watching humans is my hobby, so I tend to pick up on body language. You always fiddle with your bangs when you’re nervous about something,” he explained.

“O-oh…” I hadn’t really noticed.

“If you’re not disagreeing with me, that means you _are_ worried about something. I’d be willing to bet it’s something more specific than ‘a lot’. That must be why you were struggling to sleep,” he said and I blinked. I totally didn’t catch that!

“Yeah, maybe,” I agreed shortly, chewing on my lip nervously.

“What’s wrong?” I looked down.

I couldn’t just say everything was fine now, he wouldn’t believe that anymore, yet, if I told him the truth...I fell silent. I hoped he’d move on but he just waited so patiently. In any other circumstance, I might find that reassuring.

“It’s...personal,” I finally said, hoping he’d leave it. I mean, that’s worked before, oddly.

“ _How_ personal is personal?” he wondered slyly and I put my hand on my chest, heart aching.

“Like, _really_ personal. It means the world to me, so…”

“So you’re keeping it to yourself?” he finished for me.

“Y-yeah, sorry,” I said. There was an uncomfortable pause. “Izaya?”

“That’s fine,” he decided suddenly, though I felt this odd tension.

“Are you sure?” I glanced at my phone as if glancing at him, looking to check a face that wasn’t there.

“Of course, although,” I should have seen that one coming, “Can I try to guess?” It would be sort of nice if he somehow could figure it out. Left this weight off my shoulders. Hoping he’d pull one of those “I knew all along” stunts, I swallowed.

“I-if you want.”

“You sounded very hesitant, are you certain?” he checked and I nodded.

“Yeah...go ahead,” I said.

“Alright, if you insist. I’ll just throw out the ideas I have. You can agree or disagree with them if you want, Hell, you can even just say nothing. Does that sound alright?” he made sure once more. Why did it matter to him if I was comfortable with it or not? Still, it meant a lot.

“That sounds fine,” I confirmed.

“Good. Let’s begin then, shall we?”

“Does it have something to do with your friends?” he guessed first.

“No, well…” I hesitated.

“Well?”

“It doesn’t involve them directly but, I don’t think they’d approve,” I said quietly.

“I see. Yes, it is just like you to be so worried over something of that nature. Yet that could be a million things…” he said, murmuring to himself. It surprised me, I didn’t expect him to so easily show uncertainty in front of me. 

“Oh! How could I have forgotten something so simple,” he said, laughing and I paled. Had he realized that things had reverted, did he remember _that_ night?

“W-what is it?” I asked anxiously.

“Relax. This is about your lust, isn’t it? It all makes sense. You always avoid discussing it with me and you hate hearing the reactions of others. You fear they’ll hate you or otherwise look down on you. Am I right?” he asked confidently. Ever since he came up with the theory I had done nothing to disprove it. Even when I didn’t think he was right, I didn't disagree. Yet now, things were different. If I couldn’t get myself to say it outright, the least I could do was stop leading him in the wrong direction.

“ **_No_ **,” I said honestly. 

“No?” he asked, sounding startled.

“No,” I repeated. He took a moment to process this. The silence was suffocating.

“...Then, is it about becoming a **monster** ?” At his words my whole body screamed, becoming frigid in terror. _That_ word resonated in my brain over and over in his voice, turning from a question to an accusation. **_“Monster? Monster...Monster!”_ **My whole being wanted to collapse in on itself and I fell back. “Masaomi?” he butted into my sea of thoughts and I took a sharp breath in.

“No comment,” I said and it was deathly quiet on the other line. He mauled over my words.

“Can I help?” he said, causing my heart to warm at the gesture, then chill over at the reality. He didn’t _hate_ me, he wanted to _help_ . He wanted to help. I wasn’t sure what made me want to cry more, his intent or what I knew now, and the other side of my brain was driven crazy by his kindness. _Why? Why? Why?_

“I don’t think anyone can help me anymore,” I said then, bowing my head as if he could see me, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” He was unsure what to say, letting out a defeated laugh. “I’m so-”

“Stop apologizing,” he scolded me and I quickly sat back up.

“Okay…” We both became quiet, the silence somber and ominous. I promised myself I wouldn’t give up, right? And yet...

“Izaya?”

“Yeah?” he said. The shift in his speech and the pure gentleness in his voice made my whole body relax. It was as if the world had stopped, no ended, and any chains or outside influence were gone. I wished he’d stop being so... _wonderful._ It was unlike him, it broke my heart, making the gunk flow out and into my lungs. I was choking on poison. 

“If you feel really strongly towards something, something you shouldn’t, and you hate that about yourself, do you think those feelings ever go away? Can you like, just sit out the storm and wait for it to pass?” I asked. I wondered if he’d catch on, maybe I was too obvious. He took a breath.

“If you feel really strongly towards it?” he said though it sounded rhetorical. He thought it over and for a while, all I could hear was the steady sound of cars and his breathing. Not footsteps, he was just standing there, wherever he was. I imagined he was looking at the sky. I wasn’t sure why. Several minutes passed before I finally heard him prepare to speak, “no, I don’t think so.” My shattered heart sunk. He had practically signed my death sentence.

“I think so too,” I practically whispered.

“Really?” he wondered and I nodded. It somehow felt like he knew I had, he didn’t say anything when I remained silent.

  
  


“Hey, Izaya?” I began again, then, “are you looking up at the stars?” He chuckled but it sounded surprised. It made me smile.

“Maybe, why?”

“I just had a hunch. You always look out your window a lot when you’re thinking,” I said, the image now clear in my head. I could see him there, standing on a sidewalk with a phone in hand, staring at the sky as the wind blew through his hair and jacket. He had that expression he always wore when no one was looking or when he was so deep in thought they just didn’t exist to him.

“Do I?”

“Yeah,” I said. I peered out my window. I could just feel him out there, despite the fact I knew he wasn’t anywhere near. “Can you see them? The stars?”

“Not really,” he admitted and I laughed weakly.

“Then why do you look at the sky?”

“Hm, you’ll find it ridiculous,” he said.

“I won’t!” I promised easily. 

As he tried to respond, he kept laughing at himself.

“You see, the truth is... _I don’t know!”_ he said and I blinked, then burst out laughing as well. Something about that was just so strange it was funny.

“That _is_ stupid,” I said through the exhales.

“You said you wouldn’t make fun!” he pouted and I tried to contain myself.

“You’re right, I’m sorry, it just-” I took a few deep breaths and calmed down, “it just took me off guard is all.”

“Oh? I am full of surprises,” he said. He really was. 

“Yeah, I know. You’re like an Easter egg hunt, except, while you’re searching for eggs the bunny is trying to _kill_ you,” I joked dryly and he chuckled in amusement. Is that why my feelings for him didn’t make sense either? I had found one thing, one solitary egg, the one he presented to me now, and grew attached?

“Harsh! Why are you being so mean all of the sudden? We were having a lovely conversation about stars and quirks just a few seconds ago, what changed?” he whined. I grinned.

“It was getting too cheesy for me, so I defaulted to insulting you instead,” I said playfully.

“Ouch! Everyone is always so mean to me. Well fine, I can default to being rude to you too, _jerk face,_ ” he kidded back.

“ _Dirtbag._ ”

“ _Dumbass._ ”

“ _Sugar fiend._ ”

“ _Trash bin._ ”

We jeered at each other like children and, in the end, were both laughing our asses off. I was literally crying, I was giggling so hard. Was he too? I hoped he was, though it was hard to imagine. I felt so... _happy_. It was as if the hole I always carried around, the gaping pit in my chest that had only gotten worse over the years, was finally filled. So this was really...was I just designed so only horrible things would fit?

“You’re so immature,” he said when his laughter settled down.

“You say that as if you aren’t,” I shot back and I could hear him smiling.

“Fair point. I’m still more mature than you.”

“What? How?” I insisted, narrowing my eyes at the wall like it was him.

“It’s quite simple. I have a job, I know how to cook, and, unlike you, I dress and speak professionally. Can you beat that?” he challenged.

“Of course I can! I...okay, maybe I can’t.”

“You sounded so confident to begin, then your dreams of being smooth and mature were swiftly crushed under the asphalt of reality,” he said dramatically.

“You don’t have to rub it in!” I groaned, then, “Well, I mean, you might do all that stuff but you’re still immature, so clearly you have it _worse_. I win, you lose!” 

“Woe is me, always stuck between the gap between immaturity and maturity. How will I cope?” he teased and I giggled. 

“You’re a real conundrum, you know that yeah?” I said, half-joking half venting. 

“Conundrum? I had no idea you knew such a complicated word! I’m so proud of you for finally expanding your vocabulary, yes, well done,” he said and I could hear him clap.

“Hey!” I said though it didn’t upset me really, the conversation dying down as we just rolled our eyes at ourselves.

As it came to an end, the light mood slowly started to fade and we were forced to remember. The time we had to laugh like this might be limited. With all of this wedged between us, would we be able to talk in person, or would we keep avoiding each other? If we did talk, would that same peculiar discomfort return? Why did it all have to be so convoluted? I just wanted to keep talking with him, and smiling and laughing too, as if none of it existed. I wanted to take the bubble, the small universe we sometimes managed to create, and stay in it forever. It was self-indulgent and silly, but I didn’t care! Still, we both knew the world wouldn’t allow that. The world, no, this city, went on without ever caring who it trampled or devoured. I knew this, I thought I was ahead of the curb and that I was safe. Just like how I thought I knew enough to stop Izaya from getting to me, I was wrong on both accounts and neither forgave you when you were down. In a world without second chances I was always bound to screw up. Am I a complete idiot for not giving up or does that make me strong? I thought I knew.

“Are you coming back tonight?” I said in a hushed tone.

“I’m walking back as we speak. It shouldn’t take long,” he told me. I wondered if that was his original plan or if he...no, Masaomi, stop, don’t feed into his games so much.

“Oh, alright.” I smiled in relief. I wanted to see him so badly, even if I didn’t know what to say or do. If I really was a **monster** , let him stay blissfully unaware for a short while, let him think the change was still happening, so I can spend as much time with him as I can manage. He overlooked my relief. 

“Are you disappointed?”

“No!” I said quickly, face turning red at my eagerness. “I-it’s just a little boring around here without you.”

“Is that all? Are you sure you won’t just avoid me again?” he asked, as if reading my mind. How could I now? The ticking clock I thought I had was shattered, who knows when it’d all just _end._

“I-I’ll try not to...I think we should talk,” I said, shuffling on the bed nervously. I might not be able to tell him the whole truth, still, I wanted to tell him some of it before he pushed me away. I needed him to know my side of the story. I hoped he’d remember it. 

“How wonderfully out of character of you, but yes, I think we should too,” he agreed, a part of me wanted to believe he was as happy at the idea of seeing me as I was of seeing him. Considering everything, I doubted it. “Will you talk to me tonight, or do you need more time to adjust and think it over?” I wanted to run forever, I knew I couldn’t. Now that I could see the end right in front of me, I wasn’t going to waste any more of my time. Fate was greedy and had stolen enough as it is, made me think I had more than I really did.

“I...I want to talk to you about things, though I’m not sure if I’ll be able to talk about _that_ fully. I wish I could.” We didn’t have to talk, just having him there physically would be enough, yet I knew he wouldn’t see any value in that, so, I refrained from mentioning it. I ducked my head. “Is that okay?” He laughed.

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be,” he said then, after a pause, “Now that we have all that sorted out, I’m going to hang up. Talking on the phone slows me down and anything else we have to say should be done in person anyway.” That was abrupt. Did he have something to say to me? Hopefully, I wouldn’t completely lose my will, talking with him on the phone was definitely less intimidating.

“Right, I’ll see you soon, then,” I said. He hummed slightly in agreement.

“Bye-bye, Masa~!” he chimed, the fact he still used that nickname meant the world to me. I couldn’t help but grin.

“See ya, Izaya,” I concluded and with that, he hung up.

I sat in bleak silence for a moment, staring in front of me vacantly and letting my phone drop on my lap. _What had I done?_ I stared out the window, squinting into the shadows. For better or for worse, all I could do was wait.

  
  
  



	21. The Unavoidable Cough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya looks back on that afternoon spent out and about, recalling the strange interactions he had, his theories coming to a conclusion. What he will do with these realizations only time can tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, considering it was written before the change occurred. We're in the final strange parts of the story where Izaya's perspective is important, however, it is hard to have Izaya's chapters completely separate and continue the story. So, keep in mind some of these Izaya chapters will not reflect his chapters in part two.

Izaya recalled that afternoon as he made his way to the house. He had been certain he had lost his mind. He must have to be walking around the city in the middle of winter, aimlessly. He only ever went outside to go somewhere or to conduct what he liked to call “fieldwork”, yet, today, he was walking simply for the sake of it. He had hoped the biting air would clear his mind, as much as he  _ hated  _ it. He deserved to suffer in the frigid cold for his thoughts and actions as of late.

For the past two days, he hadn’t been able to rest, let alone sleep, at all, his thoughts constantly shifting to the critter every time he closed his eyes. The way that creature had nuzzled its way into the man’s shallow chest, the way the sensation had made his heart pound, the fact he even allowed it, he couldn’t take his mind off it. Why did it haunt him, why had he spent the entire night just thinking about that one little action? It was the action of a creature that lusted over him and that was all. Yet, in fact, even right now he found himself drifting off. It was commonplace for him to become lost in his thoughts. He adored thinking about what his chess pieces were up to and predicting what they’d do next, fantasizing the potential crises and chaos. This, decidedly, was not that. How on Earth did his effort to distance himself from the creature, to regain control, end up with him acting as Masaomi’s toy? He was starting to believe his siren metaphor was more plausible than he previously expected, though he couldn’t help but question who was the siren in this case. He had a longing for that warmth, he’d remind himself of how wonderful the cold, freedom could be. Then there was the crying. It nearly drove him ballistic last night, it took every fiber of his being to lay in that bed and not go over there and knock on the door. At this point, he had no idea what would have been crueler and it made him sick. He wanted to believe he would have told Masaomi, “If you want to cry yourself to sleep that’s none of my concern, just try to keep it down, I need to get my beauty sleep,” or something similar. He wanted to be able to laugh at the creature’s unstable state and brush it aside, though his curiosity got the better of him. More likely, he would have asked him why he was crying, he couldn’t help but wonder what anomalies such as him cried about. He had been extremely excited about asking him that morning, forcing himself out of the house before he could fulfill that urge. It wasn’t compassion, he kept telling himself, just an interest. Although, now that he was gone, perhaps the creature would finally leave his room and relax some.

The lost info broker kept his eyes peeled as he walked, certain with his decaying luck that he’d either bump into the Blue Squares or that  **monster** . He had to go somewhere, do something, distract his poisoned mind. He’d go to the library, he decided, maybe he could do some research. He  _ would  _ get out, he kept promising himself, even if he had to crawl on his knees to do so. He may be in the deep end, yet that never stopped him before. He turned and headed that way, his long coat swaying in the icy wind. He passed many people along the way, though no one in particular stuck out to him. At this point, he wasn’t sure if it was because none of the faces were familiar or if he simply was too distracted to notice. It was truly peculiar of him. Though one person stood out to him, only because they called his name, demanding his attention until he was pulled out of his thoughts.

“Izaya!” the voice shouted to him. His crimson eyes widened and he quickly turned, alarmed, his whole body screaming in fear. Yet, when he turned, all he saw was a familiar tall and dark figure, not that blonde-haired  **monster** ready to attack. He stood there in a sushi chef’s uniform, despite not being in the restaurant and not even being the chef, a bunch of flyers in his hand. It was only Simon, he really was out of it. Still, unable to ignore him now, he forced on a smile and walked over. It didn’t seem to convince Simon, who frowned at him.

“Hello Simon, it’s been a while,” he said cordially. It wasn’t that he liked Simon, if anything, he’d completely despise him if he hadn’t tried to save him from that  **monster** . No, it was simply that he couldn’t beat Simon, no matter how hard he tried. He had avoided him for that reason, though, until recently, he avoided the outside world entirely. Simon was always physically too strong for him and could read him like an open book, so he just tried to stay on his good side whenever they met. A string of kind hellos and polite banter was enough to repay him, it was certainly more than he offered most.

“Da. You look unwell,” he observed and Izaya laughed.

“Do I? Well, I  _ was  _ recently released from the hospital. I suppose I haven’t fully readjusted yet,” he lied. It wasn’t like Simon would know he had run away, people didn’t tell him these things.

“This becoming habit for you. You look skinny and tired,” he said, his serious expression suddenly falling as he smiled. He couldn’t stay stern for too long, he had an act to maintain and Izaya had learned he was keen to keep it, unless no one was around or he was speaking in Russian. “Is half-price day, you come eat, Sushi help feel better.”

“That sounds lovely, but I have somewhere to be right now. Maybe some other time,” he said, giving a small wave and trying to walk away from the conversation before he could notice anything else. Naturally, it wouldn’t be so easy. Simon was always inserting himself in the middle of his plans.

The sushi chef put his hand on the informant’s shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

“ _ Celty told me everything _ ,” he began in Russian, making Izaya freeze, “ _ Kida is a good kid. He doesn’t deserve to have his heart shattered. One can only take so many tragedies before they break. _ ” Izaya could almost laugh. Masaomi was hardly a kid anymore and he was far from whole. Though he wouldn’t tell Simon he was partially to blame, nor would he tell him the sweet little human he had grown to love was becoming something else. That was beyond him. Izaya smiled slightly.

“ _ Masaomi will be fine. After all, as I’ve told you before, I love humans _ ,” he said, and, to his surprise, upon searching his face, Simon smiled back.

“ _ Yes, I’m inclined to agree with you _ ,” he concluded. The info broker examined him with narrowed eyes before moving on. He didn’t have time to decode Simon’s dribble. He had to make sure what he had said to the man was indeed the truth. He needed to figure out if he was truly becoming a  **monster** , why, and if he could stop it. So he turned the curb and went to the library as planned.

It wasn’t very crowded that day, then again, with online resources becoming more popular, it was never that crowded to begin with, and that’s why he liked it. It was the perfect spot to think and indulge his ever-changing curiosities. He borrowed some books on mythology and the like before settling down in a booth and starting his search. He went uninterrupted for a blissfully long time, reading for many hours, taking mental notes, and making it through most of the books he had gathered. The sun slowly descended outside as he worked and people came and went. There were a few mythological creatures known for manipulation and mischief, he had learned, such as fairies and sirens. Most of them were rather malicious in intent and, despite it all, he couldn’t view Masaomi in that light, especially not towards humanity as a whole, and most of these creatures’ aggressions were targeted towards them. He liked to believe Masaomi wasn’t that far gone, so he decided to continue his search. He was about to start on the next pile of books when his momentary peace was shattered.

“It really is you!” A voice said and Izaya looked up to see that all too familiar face. Ah yes, the angel with the broken halo, he thought. He couldn’t be too angry, he never fully minded him. He plastered a smile onto his face. “I didn’t expect to see you here,  _ Izaya _ .” He closed the book delicately and placed it back down on the table.

“I didn’t expect to see you here either,  _ Mikado _ . What are you doing wandering around the city at such a late hour? Don’t you know that kind of thing is  _ dangerous _ ?” he teased and Mikado laughed. The boy was no longer that bothered by his comments, he had noticed, nor was he as naive as he used to be.

“Oh, I have my reasons. Can I sit down?” he asked, motioning to the seat across from him. The informant had grown tired of his own thoughts and supposed it wouldn’t do him any harm. If anything, it might be helpful to hear from someone so alike to him. A human that wants to be God, that’s what Mikado was, he couldn’t help but wonder if some of that desire rubbed off on Masaomi. Perhaps together they had pushed the critter to the brink.

“Go ahead,” he said and Mikado sat down, scooting into the middle of the booth seat to mirror Izaya.

“So then, what  _ are  _ you doing here? I heard from Celty you and Masaomi sort of disappeared,” he asked, shooting the man a calm, questioning look. He laughed.

“Did that concern you?” Izaya asked and to his surprise, Mikado shook his head.

“No, not really. I mean, Masaomi’s pretty tough, so, no matter what happens, I’m sure he’ll be fine,” he said, almost coolly. Izaya maintained a smile yet, in all honesty, that  _ irritated  _ him.

“Even so, aren’t you the least bit worried? You have no idea what I’m doing to him behind closed doors, it could be truly  _ terrifying _ .” Mikado just smiled.

“Oh, I doubt it’s anything  _ that  _ terrible. It doesn’t seem like he’s really that upset or scared right now. I mean, as long as he’s with you, he’s happy. There’s no reason for me to worry,” he said, causing Izaya to frown.  _ Happy?  _ He wouldn’t call that happy, Masaomi was simply feeding into his strange desires, perhaps hoping it’d fill the void inside of him that Saki left. He couldn’t help but wonder what effect that had on a person. After he became what some might view as a God, no human had ever used him in such a manner. 

“Your best friend may or may not have developed a dependency on me, yet you remain unbothered. Hell, you sound almost as if you want to feed into it,” he observed, staring at what he hoped was simply a misguided lamb. Mikado just chuckled.

“I’m feeding into my own tendencies, I’m not sure why Masaomi shouldn’t do the same, if it makes him happy,” he said, shooting the man I calculated look. Just what is he playing at, he thought. Izaya narrowed his eyes at him. He was starting to understand why the critter looked so relieved when he promised to help pull him to the side of the humans. His one human best friend wanted him to become some sort of all-consuming beast. He would just watch as Masaomi greedily gulped down poison, calling him his best friend the whole while. Now that he thought about it, Masaomi was surrounded by more  **monsters** than he was comfortable with. Mikado, Erika, and Walker were the closest humans to him, the rest, the  parasite , the  dullahan , the  traitor , were all  **monsters** . It was a frightening amount, and still, there was an odd balance. Masaomi really  _ was  _ toeing the line, and, if he inserted himself into that equation as a human, Izaya realized he completely destroyed that. Then he remembered, Masaomi didn’t see him as human. That meant the scale was completely tipped towards the  **monsters** . He was starting to understand the problem increasingly well.

“Did I hit a nerve?” Mikado asked, amused and Izaya forced himself to regain his composure and push aside his theories.

“No, I just never realized you were so rough with him. What are you playing at? Are you trying to make Masaomi as beautifully twisted as you are?” he fibbed, watching him carefully. If Mikado was attempting to turn Masaomi into a  **monster** , that made him a threat.

“I know it wasn’t intended as one but, I’ll take that as a compliment. As for your question, I just want to loosen his screws a little, that’s all,” he said in a lurid tone and the informant’s hands balled into fists. He shouldn’t care so deeply, he didn’t understand why it was bothering him so much. He kept telling himself it wasn’t personal, he simply didn’t want the number of  **monsters** in this city to keep growing. The truth was, the idea of Mikado breaking the creature had his blood boiling.

“Why, are you planning to use him for something?” he asked as calmly as he could, teeth slightly gritted. He hadn’t realized Mikado might still be someone to look out for, he thought his darker tendencies were starting to fade, though it made sense they’d flair up. After all, the Blue Squares had put him under an intense amount of stress. They probably broke his halo completely, or, whatever was left of it, and fallen angels become demons. Mikado gave him a side glance.

“Maybe, is that a problem?” he asked. It was most definitely a problem. He wouldn’t let Mikado, or  _ anyone  _ for that matter, human or otherwise, turn Masaomi into a  **monster** .

“Yes, in fact, I think it is. I don’t really appreciate you playing God,” he said in a threatening tone. Mikado smiled widely.

“You didn’t seem to have a problem with it before. I mean, what are you gonna do about it?” the devil mocked, not seeming scared in the least. He’d soon regret that confidence. Izaya smiled wickedly.

“You know, I find it odd you’re not with your little girlfriend right now. Then again, it makes perfect sense. She doesn’t know about this side of you, does she?” he asked. Mikado nodded and listened intently.

“I try to keep it on the downlow with her,” he said then, narrowing his eyes, “why?”

“No reason. Although, it’d be an awful shame if she somehow heard the things you were saying about Masaomi, wouldn’t it? She’d be terrified!” he said, feeling he had won.

Yet, the boy’s eyes suddenly lit up and he grinned. The God had to hold back a flinch at the intense mood shift.

“You do care?” he asked, putting his hands together happily. Izaya, for once, was utterly stunned. Mikado played him like a pawn and he completely fell into it. First Masaomi now Mikado, he was starting to believe he had completely lost his grip. He knew once upon a time he said he wouldn’t mind being Mikado’s toy, but now that it was happening, he wanted to retract that statement. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry if I did. I do think Masaomi will be fine, however, I still kind of wanted to know your intentions. That’s why I came out here actually, I wanted to think about it, then I saw you and sort of went for it,” he explained. As much as it infuriated him, he did like the boy’s honesty and felt strangely relieved. The tension in his body relaxed, then rekindled as he tried to wrap his head around how he was so easily fooled. With all these speculations and questions swirling around in his head, he felt a headache coming on. It was clear to him that he was growing weaker by the day, no, the minute, and he was more closer to solving Masaomi’s problem than he was his own. Although, he was beginning to believe they were one in the same. Masaomi was chipping away at him only because the God gave him the tools and drive to do so. He tried to remember when exactly that happened, how his hand could have slipped so suddenly but, the knowledge escaped him. Though simply becoming too involved with him might be the problem, he assumed.

“So, you were pretending to want to hurt a friend in order to protect them? Yes, that does sound like you,” he finally spoke, massaging his temples. 

“Actually, I don’t think I can protect anyone. I’m not strong enough for that. Although, if it did seem like you had bad intentions, I’d probably try to take him away from you,” Mikado said, which Izaya deemed the more desirable reaction. Maybe his halo wasn’t so broken after all. He tilted his head.

“You don’t think I have bad intentions?” the God asked curiously. Mikado thought it over for a moment, then shook his head. 

“Not really. You didn’t sound like you usually do when you want to mess with someone, actually, you didn’t really sound like yourself at all. Are you feeling alright?” he said with a hint of playfulness and a smile. He absolutely wasn’t, yet, he wasn’t going to tell Mikado that.

“Yes, I feel just fine. I simply don’t like to share,” he said as a way of explanation. He didn’t mind if Mikado saw him as the villain, he wouldn’t mind if he tried to  _ save  _ the demi-human.

“If you say so,” Mikado said, sounding unconvinced as he peered out the window. It had become dark out and, seeing this, he scooted out from the booth and stood. “Time sure does fly! Well, it’s probably for the best that I head back home now. Like you said, it’s dangerous staying out too late. I’d suggest you do the same but, you can handle yourself better than I can.” If Izaya was asked to compare Mikado to an element, he’d find it impossible, the boy was so hot and cold. One moment he acted all warm and gentle or was attempting to be soothing, the next he was burning the people around him or freezing them over. In a way, he was dry ice. Pleasant in concept, yet dangerous to touch.

Izaya sighed. 

“I might as well,” he said, deciding he wasn’t gaining anything from this anyway. His mind was too strained now to make any more progress. He stood as well, carefully beginning to pick up his pile of books.

“Here, let me help,” Mikado offered, picking up the other half. Together, they put all the books back on their respective selves and left the library in a timely fashion. After exiting from the front entryway, the boy turned and offered Izaya a smile. No one else had ever treated Izaya so cordially, and he knew it met Mikado’s fear for him had simply vanished. Actually, it may have never been there in the first place, and that fascinated him. “I suppose we’ll be going our separate ways then,” he said. Izaya stared at him, in disbelief at his own thoughts. He was unsure why he’d consider such a thing, all he knew was Masaomi would be worried if the boy went off into the city by himself.

“I should walk you back to your apartment. It’s not safe alone,” Izaya said and Mikado glanced over at him, startled though clearly appreciative.

“Alright then.” 

Neither said much as they walked. Izaya hardly wanted Mikado to analyze him further and Mikado seemed to sense this tension, not pushing his luck. Though neither seemed to mind the silence. Mikado was perhaps one of the few individuals that could casually walk with him without showing any regret. He allowed himself to be quietly dropped off at his apartment, standing in front of that wrecked building as he looked at the man. Izaya had no idea how he managed to live inside that _ thing _ . He’d rather drop dead. “Thanks for coming out all this way. Are you sure you’re going to be okay on your own?” he asked the informant, who found his concern quite amusing.

“Of course. I didn’t walk with you because I was worried for myself, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Izaya replied and Mikado’s eyebrows furrowed. He was certainly a worrier, the man thought. Izaya wasn’t as fragile as glass, even if he physically looked it. He was becoming slightly tired of everyone treating him that way, as if he would break. What reason did he have to break now?

“No, that’s not it. I just feel sort of bad. I mean, you walked all the way out here. I wish there was something I could do in return,” he said and Izaya smirked. He saw an opportunity. That was another useful thing about Mikado, he enjoyed giving tit for tat. 

“Alright then, I have a question. All you need to do is answer it seriously and I’ll call us even. Does that sound fair?” Mikado nodded.

“I think so. Go ahead.” Izaya's smirk widened. It was quite brave of the boy to so easily allow Izaya to seek information from him. 

“Metaphorically, if Masaomi was something other than human, what would you consider him?” he inquired, surprising the broken angel. It took him a moment to reply, looking around nervously as he considered his words. At least he could react normally every once in a while. 

“That’s a strange question. Is that why you were reading about folklore and mythology? Should I be concerned?” he asked outright. Once again, he found the boy’s inability to not express himself refreshing.

“There’s no need to worry, it’s just a curious question is all,” he bluffed easily. He didn’t expect anyone else to understand his theory besides Masaomi and himself. 

Reassured, to his word, Mikado thought it through, biting his lip and concentrating. He fell silent, mulling it over until an idea seemed to come to him. Izaya waited, finding the suspense suffocating. 

“Well, if I had to choose something, I’d probably pick a  _ phoenix _ ,” Mikado finally said. The God looked at him, dumbfounded. 

“A  _ phoenix? _ ” The man was thinking along the lines of something more humanoid but, he was still intrigued.

“Yeah, at least, that’s what comes to mind. It seems like no matter what happens, Masaomi always gets back up again. So, in that sense, I guess I could have picked any strong creature but, that’d be ignoring a whole side of him. See, it’s not that nothing can bring him down, he has his periods of depression and has been known to run away from things, it’s just that, in the end, he always cheers up or comes back. So, similar to how a phoenix burns into ashes and then rises up again,” he explained and the informant smiled largely. That amount of thought was something he had grown to expect from Mikado. He was disappointed in himself for not thinking of the metaphor sooner. It was brilliant and explained the part of Masaomi he enjoyed the most. How could he forget? That was right, as long as he had the right tools, the critter would dig himself out of this, Izaya only needed to tip the scale somehow. 

"Does that satisfy you?" Mikado asked with a lightly playful smile. Perhaps he was mocking him, he didn’t care, he had what he wanted.

“Of course, all I wanted was your genuine response. That’s all I needed to repay me for my services. Although, don’t make wandering around the city alone a habit,” he joked and Mikado laughed.

“I’ll try not to. Goodnight,” he said, waving and making his way up the stairs. Izaya was about to turn and leave when the fallen angel suddenly stopped. “Hey, Izaya,” he said and Izaya looked up at him. “I know you only said it because I threatened Masaomi,  _ however _ , if you actually meant what you said, if you really plan to tell Anri about me, well, then I’d probably take Masaomi away from you _ for good _ .” Izaya's eyes narrowed and became a deep red. He wondered if his addiction towards the creature was that obvious. 

“Is that a  _ threat _ ?” he asked, annoyed at first, yet calming when he reminded himself of the facts. He was safer without Masaomi, Masaomi was safer without him. Together they were similar to TNT and a lighter. If he couldn’t separate them, someone else might as well, before it was too late.

“Actually, it’s a  _ promise _ ,” Mikado replied with a lurid smile. He stared down at the informant for a while to let it sink in, then turned around and began to ascend the stairs once more. “Have a safe walk home.” With that, he disappeared into his apartment without another word.

For a brief time, all the God could do was stare up at the apartment door. The shattered angel always managed to surprise him when his silver tongue suddenly turned sharp, they were quite similar in that regard. It was a shame he was wasting it on that  **monster** . The more he thought about it, the more Mikado’s actions began to remind him of a certain underground doctor and every sordid thing he would do, had done, in the name of “love”. Both had fallen completely under the spell of  **monsters** and gave in to their temptations without a second thought. Those were the people influencing Masaomi, those were the people running the bizarre theatre act he had started years ago. Though perhaps, they had influenced him more than the critter. He couldn’t help but think, in  _ another way _ , he was falling for the charms of a  **monster** . Was that simply the fate of the people that occupied this particular city or had the  **monsters** found some way to push back? No, he wasn’t a  **monster** yet, he reminded himself, finally turning and walking away. He quickly pulled out one of his phones from his pocket, nimbly scrolling through his contacts with a slender finger and finding the familiar phone number. He hesitated, then clicked on it. He just had to be certain his belief was correct, that some unforeseen Boogie  **monster** hadn’t snatched him away when he wasn’t looking.

He paused as he waited for the Masaomi to pick up, his red eyes widening. He had agreed to spend a whole day away from that creature, and, even so, here he was. 

_ What was he doing? _

**Author's Note:**

> [AU Tumblr](https://talesofaweatheredcity.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Chapter Announcements](https://fanschaotictrash.tumblr.com/post/640995642140999680/burning-yellow-with-black-smoke-chapter-1)   
>  [My Fandom Tumblr](https://fanschaotictrash.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Kizaya Ask Blog](https://izzyandmasa.tumblr.com/)


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